Panel Discussion Chapter 1

A/N The dragon-riders attend a convention of fanfic writers. The results will be funny, surprising, touching, and a lot of other things. Rated T for adult themes; the language is all K.

o

The First Annual How-To-Train-Your-Dragon Fanfic Convention was going wonderfully. Nearly a hundred budding authors (and the parents of the younger ones) had gathered in the fancy motel's convention area, along with several hundred avid fanfic readers who hoped to meet their favorite authors in person, and a handful of misguided bronies and pegasisters who didn't realize their convention was next week. The buzz of conversation was broken every few minutes by a shriek of "Oh, it's you!" from someone who recognized a user-name on someone's "Hi, my name is _" sticker.

Over in the Vendors' Hall, an astonishing variety of plotbunnies were being sold or given away by authors who couldn't give them a good home. They were also selling print-outs of digital pictures, autographed manuscripts, and hand-made plushies of Toothless. There was a Room of Sadness, where distraught readers could console each other over the fact that stories like "I Hear Him Scream" or "Crash Courses in Marriage" would probably never be finished. In the LARP area, five Hiccups, three Astrids, and one each of Ruffnut and Tuffnut took turns acting out their favorite scenes from the movie and the CN series. The Astrid-whacks-Hiccup-in-the-arm scene was especially popular.

A female voice came over the PA system. "Ladies, if I could have..." The sound system fed back with an earsplitting squeal, and someone fiddled with some knobs. "Ladies, if I could have your attention, please. We will now... oh, I'm sorry. Ladies and gentlemen – I guess we do have a few of those – if I could have your attention please, we will now have the highlight of our convention, a panel discussion featuring some of our favorite people. Will you please welcome... the dragon riders of Berk!"

To a blast of orchestral brass and skirling warpipes (better known as the "Test Drive" music), Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III made his way to the second chair at a row of folding tables, audibly squeaking with every other step. The crowd cheered and shouted hysterically, mingled with some shrieks of "Oh, he's so CUUUTE!" He seemed very embarrassed by all the attention.

The music faded out and was replaced by the swelling strains of the "Romantic Flight" music. That was Astrid Hofferson's cue to stride into the convention hall, to many cheers and much applause. A security guard at the door tried to take her axe away; she indignantly snatched it back and marched to her seat on Hiccup's left.

Now the music faded to the "This Is Berk" theme. Fishlegs Ingerman tried to be innocuous as he crept to his seat next to Astrid. Whoever had set up the chairs didn't have a big person in mind, and he had to walk sideways to avoid hitting the wall, which didn't help him stay innocuous.

At this point, the music stopped. The female voice came back on. "Uhh... are you sure this is the music you want me to play?"

"They told me I could pick any music I wanted!" a brash male voice shot back from just outside the hall.

"Okay..." To the brassy march called "Hail to the Chief," Snotlout Jorgenson strolled casually to his seat, blowing kisses to his fans, of whom there weren't nearly as many as he seemed to think.

When he was seated, the music shifted to the delicate strains of "Vikings Take Their Tea." The Thorston twins, Ruffnut and Tuffnut, stepped into the hall... and stopped dead. "Hey!" Tuff shouted. "What is this? How come we don't get cool music like the others?"

The music stopped. The female voice returned. "We thought this would be appropriate for your sister."

"Well, you thought wrong!" Ruff shouted in no particular direction. "I like cool music, too! What do you think we are – a couple of idiots?"

"No comment," the voice replied. After a moment, the sound system played the "Dragon Battle" music, the twins nodded and high-fived each other, and they took their seats at the far end of the table. The first seat was taken by one of the convention organizers, who clutched a wireless microphone.

"Thank you for coming, all of you, and welcome," she began. "I know that all of our guests have a lot of questions for our panel, so we'll get started right away. As we agreed, each of our panelists will read a few prepared remarks, and then we'll take questions from the floor." She passed the mic to Hiccup, who stood and addressed the group, somewhat nervously.

"Hi, all of you," he said. "It's great to see that we have so many fans, especially the kind who love us so much that they like to whump us, hand us over to the Outcasts, and turn us into dragons." A few laughs rippled across the auditorium. "Seriously, the whole fan-fiction thing is an amazing way for people to show their loyalty to a realm that they can identify with, and even forge a kind of personal connection with it."

"Forge! Ha ha! I see what you did there!" Fishlegs called. Hiccup shook his head and went on.

"We really appreciate all the work you fanfic authors put into your stories, knowing that the only reward you can hope for is a few 'favorites and follows' on a web site. It amazes us, the thought and creativity that some of you put into your work. The only down side is that a few of you don't put as much thought or creativity into your work as others, and that leads me to my one big complaint with the whole fanfic thing.

"Me and Toothless are never going to get intimate, okay? It doesn't matter if you turn him into a human, or if you turn me into a dragon, or if you switch our genders, or whatever creepy stuff you come up with – why can't you people accept the idea that two people, or two beings, can have a passionate, powerful love bond between them without having to express it physically? Besides, I really like girls, not – OW!" Astrid had just belted him in the arm. "Rephrase. I really like one girl, not guys, and definitely not dragons! I mean, with all the amazing things we can do with dragons, why is boinking them so high on your lists of things for me to do? I just don't get it.

"Anyway, I had to get that out of my system, but it's really neat to see all of you here, whether I agree with your story ideas or not. You're a great bunch of fans, and... well, if it wasn't for you, I might not even be here." The crowd applauded loudly. He passed the mic to Astrid. She pulled out a sheet of paper and began reading from it.

"Thank you. I am also glad to be here and see all of you. It gives me a thrill every time I see myself in one of your stories, because it shows that you care about me. I especially like the stories that show my softer, feminine side, because I..." She stopped and glared at the moderator. "Who wrote this? I can't say this! It's not true!"

The moderator looked embarrassed. "We thought it would be good for your image if you didn't come across as a girl with anger issues who abuses her boyfriend all the time."

Astrid crumpled up the paper and threw it over her shoulder. "You know something? It took some serious anger to get where I am today! If I didn't have an angry side, there goes half your movie, right? Would that romantic flight be so interesting if it was Barbie, or Dora the Explorer, riding behind Hiccup? Not much! Yes, I'm a girl, and yes, I do have feelings, but the thing that defines me isn't my skill at flower arranging, is it? It's my temper, and my ability to control it when I think it needs controlling. I do have anger issues, and I'm not going to resolve them, because I'd be totally boring if I did! Would you want that, Hiccup?"

"Yes! I mean no!" he exclaimed.

"Right!" she went on. "So if you fanfic authors are going to write about Astrid, don't you dare make me into some kind of Viking Stepford-wife, okay? I'm going to make this guy an awesome wife some day, if he's lucky, but he's going to have bruises on his arms until his dying day, and don't any of you ever forget it!" The crowd went wild.

Now it was Fishlegs' turn with the microphone. "Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, I'll keep this short. You guys are awesome. You take time and effort to make stories about people like me who, technically, aren't even real, and you make us come alive, both in your own imaginations and in the minds of the people who read your stories. The creative people at Dreamworks took some rough ideas and turned them into six well-rounded, interesting characters, and most of you have taken us and run with us in ways that Bonnie and Chris and Dean, and even Saint Cressida herself, never dreamed of.

"So how come some of you treat us like two-dimensional animated characters from a cartoon movie? Sure, you do a good job with the Big Two here, but what about the rest of us?" His eyes began to fill up. "We have feelings! We have passions! Take me, for example! Can I be more than just a walking encyclopedia for Hiccup to call on when he needs an obscure fact? Am I good for more than just a second-rate love interest for Ruffnut because she can't get Hiccup? Could I ever make an important discovery, or save someone's life, or kiss a hot OC babe with violet eyes?"

"Legs, I think that's enough," said Snotlout, who was acting embarrassed.

"And what about my dear, sweet Meatlug?" Fishlegs went on, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Some of you treat her like the Tuffnut of the dragon group!" ("I resent that!" Tuff called.) "She has emotions, just like a human. She nuzzles and nurtures her young babies with motherly affection. She and I share a bond that goes deeper than most of you imagine, even though your imaginations are so good in other ways! She... she..." He handed the microphone to Snotlout and sat down, weeping.

"Well, that was different," Snotlout began. "I want to thank all of you for coming out to see me, even though very few of you give me much time in your stories. I mean, seriously, you guys are inventing smart, talented, beautiful OC girls all the time, and who do they always fall for? Hiccup, Hiccup, and Hiccup! By sheer random chance, one of them ought to fall for me now and then, shouldn't they? Even if I wasn't awesome, there ought to be a one in four chance that, when a mysterious girl falls out of the sky or gets found in the forest, she ought to think I'm the guy, right? And don't even get me started on me and my Astrid! What's with you people? How come I never get the girl? I'm Snotlout! I'm the greatest! I'm –"

The moderator made a throat-cutting gesture, and the microphone went dead. Snotlout disgustedly tapped it with his finger a few times, muttered, "This thing is busted," and handed it to Tuffnut.

"Thank you all," he began, reading from hand-written notes. "As the others have said, it's because of you that we're here, and we are all grateful for the chance to give something back to the fanfic community. The sheer number of stories you've written is evidence, not only that we are awesome, but that you are as well. I mean, there are more chapters about us than about Big Bang Theory!" The crowd cheered.

"Like the others, I have one personal issue I'd like to air out," he continued, "and that's the fact that somebody, somewhere, chose me to be the comic relief in this group. For some reason, that means I have to act stupid. Okay, it's a challenge to my abilities as an actor, but it's getting tired, okay? Would it be the death of you if somebody let me be good at something, just for a change?

"I mean, think about that other animated feature with six main characters that I won't mention." He mumbled, "My Little Pony," then resumed talking normally. "Do they need comic relief to be successful? Hardly! And when they did add a comic-relief character who was, shall we say, sub-optimal in the smarts department, the politically-correct crowd went insane and demanded that the show make her look and act more normal!

"Now, I'm a professional, and I know the difference between playing a role and living in real life. But this kind of unfairness just can't go on. So, from now on, I am going to make Derpy eyes until I get the respect I deserve." He passed the microphone to his sister and turned one of his eyes upward, while the other stayed normal.

Hiccup shook his head and murmured to Astrid, "That's just disturbing."

"That'll get him respect for sure," Snotlout commented to Fishlegs.

"Thanks, bro." Ruffnut stood and straightened her helmet. "Conventions like this are an awesome chance for... Tuff, could you quit it with the eyes? You're creeping me out!"

"Not until I get some respect," he shot back. "Derp!"

She tried to look away from him. "Well, anyway, these conventions are great for the fans to meet each other and share ideas. It's not just fanfics, either. There's fan art, there's cosplay, there's making dolls and plushies, there's all kinds of ways for you to get involved in our universe." She dropped her voice to a whisper. "I like that." She got the laughs and applause that she hoped for. She continued.

"Now, I don't want to sound like a complainer, but... well, okay, maybe I am. But I'm a girl, and I have feelings, and some of you guys are just mean! I mean, think about it! When Astrid grabs Hiccup and forces him to kiss her, everybody is all, 'Oh, isn't that romantic!' But if I put some moves on him, everybody is all, 'Date rape! Date rape!' "

"And when, exactly, did you put some moves on Hiccup?" Astrid demanded.

"I didn't," Ruff answered, "but if you look me up on deviantart, they make it look like I'm trying to jump his bones every time he takes a breath. And he never likes it! You'd think the only way I could ever get a guy is to club him on the head and drag him off by the hair. I mean, I know I'm not a swimsuit model or anything, even though some of you draw me that way, but with the guys in Berk outnumbering the girls by two to one, you'd think somebody would like it if I smiled at him!" She swept her arm in a gesture that took in the entire audience. "Tell me, do you think that's fair?"

Calls and mutters of "no" could be heard all over the room.

"Then what are you fanfic authors going to do about it?" she demanded.

A college-age girl stood up. "I'm going to write a story about you and Hiccup, as soon as I get home! A good story, with a lime at the end!"

"Oh, you think so, do you?" Astrid snarled as she jumped to her feet, axe at the ready. "I might have a thing or two to say about that!"

"Meow," Snotlout murmured to Tuffnut.

The moderator reached desperately for the microphone. "This has been very interesting, I'm sure, but we do need to move on to the question-and-answer period. Please don't shout out your questions until I call on you. We'll get to as many of you as we can for the rest of this hour. Yes, young lady in the front?"

A teen-age girl in a hoodie stood up. "I think I speak for everyone when I ask, where's Toothless?" Many people nodded and murmured in agreement. The moderator gave Hiccup the mic.

"We tried to bring Toothless here, and he really wanted to come. But we couldn't get permission from the fire marshal. He said there's some rule in the building code about dragons and people being in the same building. The convention would have had to take out an extra fire-insurance policy, and they just couldn't afford it this year. Maybe next year."

"Thank you, Hiccup," the moderator smiled. "Does anyone else have a question for our panel?"

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A/N: Reviewers – if you send me some questions that you'd like the panel to answer, not only might your suggestion wind up in the story; you'll make it easier for me to write another chapter, which means more stuff for you to read. I'm looking for the kinds of questions that modern people would ask the teens if they could, preferably emotionally-charged questions. For example, the first question in the next chapter will be, "Hiccup, when are you going to propose to Astrid?"