Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from the show.

A/N: I debated with myself about whether or not to put any chapters up before the story was complete. In the end, I decided that I am so new to writing that any criticism/pointers/comments from reviewers would be invaluable to me in this process. So please read and review. Thank you.

1.

Duty

"Jack. It's David. Look, I know this isn't standard procedure. I'd prefer not to leave a message like this on your machine. I called up to the house but your neighbour said you'd headed to the cabin with Sara and Charlie. Technically, the usual seven days applies, but we need you in ASAP. See you in Florida, Jack. I am sorry. Oh, and give me a call before you head down."

August 4th 1990, Minnesota

In the pre-dawn chill, a thick blanket of mist had settled over the lake and surrounding countryside. Daylight broke over the horizon. Jack stood at the edge of the deck, feet bare, arms folded across his chest. He'd pulled on an old Cubs jersey to keep himself warm, but now it seemed like a comfort that he didn't really deserve. He discarded it at his feet, standing in just jeans and a t-shirt, and sucked in a breath as the cold air hit him full force.

He stared at the water's surface, still inky black but brimming with activity as the fish rose to feed. For a minute he thought about going back inside for his pole, but that too felt like it would be a reward of some kind. He wasn't out here for fun. This morning, he wanted to be an observer to life instead of a participant. He wished he could disappear, flow along with the air currents and dissipate with the rising of the sun.

Minutes went by and the air rushed over him as the sun gained strength and started burning up the haze. It was like a cool finger against the back of his neck and it raised the pale hairs on his arms. It was often like this on autumn mornings in Minnesota. The days were still warm, but the cold was taking firm hold of the nights. It matched the coldness in his gut that was creeping slowly up into his chest. He thought, wished, standing exposed the way he was, pretending to be one with his surroundings, that the sun would chase it away and leave him lighter and warmer. But he'd been recalled to active duty and he knew nothing would shake this feeling. He was all twisted up with fear and anxiety and guilt. He was leaving Sara and Charlie again and it was too soon. Charlie was so young and Jack knew he was missing some of the most important moments of his life. He might not get a second chance at this, and always the same questions came to him. Why was he still doing this? How much more could Sara take? His limbs were taut with the tension, his jaw clenched and unclenched. The feeling welled up into his throat, looking for escape. It came out as a hollow, snorted, laugh and in the heavy air the sound seemed to drop like a stone at his feet. He imagined that it was a tangible thing that he could kick off of the deck, that it would hit the water and sink straight down into the murk. Even on the brightest day, with the lake at its calmest, it would be impossible to find.

He was feeling something else too, and he hated himself for it. He was excited. The anticipation was growing along with the guilt. His body remembered the rushes of adrenaline, and he suddenly felt like an addict about to fall off of the wagon. He hoped that Sara couldn't see it in him. It would be like a kick in the gut for her no matter how much she knew this was tearing him up inside. He wasn't that kind of man - not some cliché action hero who lived from mission to mission and kept a family to fill up the time in between.

He stood perfectly still then, but he was already aware of her, even before she'd set foot on the creaking deck, even before he'd turned his head. It was as if wishing she would never see him this way had instead caused her to materialise, conjured from the gathered morning light. The universe was a cruel and unusual place.

He turned towards her, hoping she would see everything he wanted to tell her written on his face, that he wouldn't need to say the words. He wasn't great with expressing himself that way and he didn't trust his own voice. Her mouth was set in a grim smile but her eyes were desperately sad. Even though she walked towards him he felt her pulling away from him. He was looking at her from a great distance and no matter how much ground she covered she wasn't getting any closer.

"Jack, you must be freezing."

Always the mother. He gave her the best smile he could muster, but it came out lopsided and weary. "It could be worse."

"No. It really couldn't." She practically choked the words out and it was quite clear that she wasn't talking about the cold.

"Sara…"

"I know. I know you have to go. I know you thought you had longer. I know." She was standing right at his shoulder now but she still seemed so far away. Her voice was small. "Knowing doesn't make it any easier to bear."

"I'm sorry."

"I know that too." She slipped her hand into his and then pulled it up against her chest. She gripped him so hard her knuckles were turning white and her nails started digging into his flesh. Jack took the pain without flinching. It gave his mind something else to focus on, and he thought he deserved it anyway. It was nothing compared to what she was enduring for him. Had been enduring for years.

He wondered how many times she'd thought about leaving him. Sara was a strong woman but he knew her limits and he knew her, the way she reasoned things out, the way her mind worked. She'd likely given herself ultimatums on numerous occasions. If he walks away one more time, then I'm walking away too. How many times had she talked herself into staying? There was no lack of love between them. It was so evident that Jack knew that without Sara he'd probably be dead. In desperate times his mind reached for her, clung to her, and his body followed. Somehow, he always made it back. And she was always there, so he always felt loved. Did his returning to her each time make her feel the same way? Or did she need more?

He wished he could just ask her, but when he opened his mouth, nothing came out. Thankfully, she hadn't noticed him gasping like a fish out of water as he tried to articulate his thoughts. She was looking out over the lake. He studied her profile carefully. Even in this light he could tell she'd been crying. Oh Sara... He pulled her into him then and held her tightly, resting his cheek on her crown of dark hair. For a moment she still clung to his hand which was now trapped between their bodies. Finally, she released it and he felt her arms slide around his waist. They trembled against him and so he gripped her tighter. Her whole body was shaking now, wracked with sobs. She was trying so hard to be dignified about it too, which made it so much worse. Even though she was so raw, she still had her shield up, still had to be the tough military wife. Jack felt despair bloom in the pit of his stomach.

"You don't have to be so goddamn brave all the time, y'know." His tone was stern but soft. "I know this isn't what you signed up for."

There was a long pause and he could feel her trying to get herself under control again. She took deep, shuddering, breaths.

"Yes I do. There isn't just one of us waiting for you anymore Jack, so I have to be brave for Charlie. He's too young to be worrying about his daddy. It was easier before..." She trailed off but Jack knew what she meant. Before Charlie, she didn't have to hide her pain and uncertainty, or her loneliness. Now she bottled it up for the sake of their child and it was eating away at her.

"Maybe Charlie should go stay with your folks for a little while?"

She extricated herself gently from his embrace and swiped at her eyes with a sleeve. But Jack saw that she was smiling, genuinely smiling.

"You are such a 'guy', Jack."

"Well… yeah…" He was confused by the sudden change in tone.

"No, what I mean is that you think you can just fix things. Sara needs some time alone, so give her some time alone."

"Seems pretty logical to me?"

"Except that things never actually work that way. It's never THAT simple. Daddy leaves and then Mommy sends him to Grandma and Grandpa's. He'll be so confused."

"But he loves your folks. And your mom spoils him rotten. He'll be so hepped up on sugar that it'll take him a week to calm down and start missing you." He smiled to himself at the thought of his little boy bouncing around and getting into mischief. "Besides, your folks can focus all their time and energy on him, and you can't. You need to focus on you for a little while."

There was silence between them, but it wasn't uncomfortable. Jack felt the space between them closing. She was here with him now. All of her.

"You're better at this than you think." She placed her hands on his chest, fingers spread, palms flat. It sent a little jolt of electricity through him.

"Like a B movie. I'm so bad I'm good."

She chuckled and the sound was light and warm, spreading through his insides. The chill was gone, from the air as well as his body. Sara was his sun. He hooked a finger under her chin and tilted her face up to his, searching for any signs of hesitation. He was feeling uncertain about this new ground they were standing on – still not quite sure it was steady enough.

She met him half-way, pushing up on the balls of her feet to close the distance between their mouths. He was a little surprised by her sureness, her sudden strength, but he was heartened and more than a little relieved. Not half-an-hour earlier he'd been thoroughly convinced this day would end with his world crumbling around him. That he would leave for his assignment separated, contemplating visitation schedules for Charlie. Thank goodness for Sara.

He came out of his reverie when she started backing out of his arms, but she didn't break their contact. Instead, threading her fingers through his, she pulled him back towards the cabin. His eyebrows shot up, and he looked so bemused that she laughed. It rang in his ears. He hadn't heard her laugh like that in a while.

"Charlie won't be up for ages." She smiled. "He's like you – hates getting out of bed."

"Only when I don't have to!" He replied defensively. "Years of getting nothing more than catnaps will do that to a man."

"Makes you age prematurely too."

"Hey! Now that was uncalled for. What kind of 'school of seduction' did you attend anyway?" He pretended to pull away from her but she held tight and gave him a tug. He practically fell through the doorway into the cabin.

This was now more familiar ground to him. Jack's default mechanism for dealing with tough situations was humour. Sometimes, he thought blackly, it was a P90. But humour was better. He often thought that the world would be a much better place if only he could disarm an enemy soldier with a quip. Not that he didn't try on occasion – they just weren't really big fans. In any case, somewhere along the way he'd taught Sara to do the same thing. So this was the game they played when he was about to head off on a mission. They joked so that their love-making wouldn't seem so melancholy. There was no escaping the fact that they were saying their goodbyes and neither of them knew if he was coming back.

Jack tried to push the swirl of chatter in his head aside, and focused instead on his beautiful wife. After all these years she could still look at him with a hunger that made his body hum. He took a step over towards the bed, but then turned back to the door to lock it. It caught a little because it was hardly ever used. Charlie probably wouldn't be up for a few more hours, but he wasn't taking any chances.

He made a face. "Hope we can get that back open again."

"If we don't you won't be able to leave."

"But you'll have a five-year-old running rampant around the cabin."

"Trust you to see the bad side."

"I'm not. He could tire himself out and we'll have the rest of the day to ourselves." He grinned at her and her smile widened to match his. "Or, he'll probably just fall in the lake. Or eat the soap under the sink when he gets hungry."

She was kneeling on the bed now and reached out to pull him towards her. "Shut up, Jack." He didn't resist. No more games this morning.

Later that day, Charlie would bring Jack his Cubs jersey and ask him why it had been lying out on the deck. Jack just smiled and ruffled his son's hair. When Charlie asked him again, he lied that Bigfoot had borrowed it because he was a huge Cub's fan, but had taken it off to go for a swim and forgotten it when the ranger came along. Jack told him that was the sort of thing little boys missed out on when they slept all morning. Luckily, Sara hadn't heard.