Author's notes:
This takes place years after Weiss. In this timeline there is no OVA and no
Dramatic Precious cds. Those events never took place. I wrote this a long
time ago, but never posted it for some reason. I'm still not sure if I like
it, but I hope you do. Enjoy!
Warning: This contains spoilers for both Yohji and Ken's past and well you should probably be familiar with the whole series. Also, this is shounen-ai so leave now if male/male relationships bother you.
Disclaimer: I don't own Weiss.
----------------------------
What If I Said.
by samuraiheart
-------------------------
"Hi, Yohji." Ken said smiling as he opened the door and let his friend into his small apartment.
"It's good to see you, KenKen." Yohji said sincerely as he looked around the apartment. It was a reasonable size for one person. The furniture was sparse and casual. A few soccer trophies were set up on a shelf to the left. Yohji smiled. It was so Ken.
"Yohji! Why do you always call me that?"
"Because you're so cute when you get upset about it." Yohji ruffled his hair playfully and walked towards the kitchen. "Dinner smells good. What is it?"
Ken beamed. "It's take out. I didn't trust myself in the kitchen." He shrugged and reached into the cabinet to pull out plates and cups to set the table.
Yohji nodded and tried to suppress a grin. Ken wasn't the best cook. It felt so good to smile again. Sometimes it was so hard, but somehow when Ken was around he could always find something to lift his spirits. He leaned on the counter a little and looked over at his friend. His gaze wondered over Ken's dark hair and the way that it fell in delicate strands over his sparkling brown eyes so that Ken occasionally had to brush it away. Yohji felt his heartbeat quicken a little at the way Ken's smooth, black t-shirt was just a little too tight. He shook his head and decided that he should try to carry on some sort of conversation. He couldn't spend the night drooling over his best friend. What had gotten into him anyway? He had never felt this way before towards Ken. Well, that wasn't exactly true, but there was no reason to dwell on that now.
"So, how have you been lately?" Yohji asked nonchalantly.
Ken paused to look over at Yohji. Green eyes stared back at him for a moment. Then Yohji's gaze shifted and he focused on some indeterminable point in between. Ken was glad. If he wasn't looking, there was a less of a chance that he would see the words for the lie they were. "Not too bad. Things are going well. How about you?"
Yohji sighed. "Well, you know how it is." he shrugged and smiled, but it didn't quite reach all the way to his eyes. They still held a hint of melancholy that never seemed to go away. Tonight was no different.
Ken set down two plates at the table and frowned. He wished he could help erase that look, but he didn't know what he could do. "What's wrong Yohji?"
Yohji leaned against the counter again in a vain attempt to brush off the comment and ignore the situation. He closed his eyes and shook his head. He just couldn't find it in him tonight. "I guess I've been thinking about Asuka too much. You know, today would have been our anniversary."
Ken nodded. He remembered. This happened every year. It was part of the reason he had invited Yohji here tonight. "I'm sorry, Yohji." Ken said simply. He knew it wasn't much. It had certainly never helped him, but that was beside the point. This was about Yohji.
Yohji took a deep breath and shook his head. "It's all in the past, Ken. I should just let it go." He looked down at the floor.
"It's okay, Yohji. I understand." Ken said quietly. He hoped that Yohji wouldn't hear the pain in his voice. He tried so hard to hide it, but sometimes it pushed through unwillingly and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Especially on nights like these. When something hung in the air that was so close to what he longed for and yet so far away from what he had once had.
Yohji nodded and clenched his fist. "I guess I'm not being a very good guest, am I?"
Ken looked up. "Oh no. Don't worry about it, Yohji." He said as he finished setting the glasses on the table and gestured for them to sit down. They each pulled out a chair and sat across from each other.
"You really loved her didn't you?" Ken asked. He had to know. Maybe if they both felt a pain so similar they could share it without adding to either of their burdens. Ken didn't want to risk it any other way. He was always so afraid that his pain would seep into someone else's life and then he would have another soul to feel guilty about.
Yohji's eyes widened at the sincere question. He couldn't remember anyone ever asking him that before. It had always been so obvious. "Yes. She meant everything to me." He shook his head again. He was trying very hard to push away the emotions and focus on the present, but the memories kept flooding back and he could see her so vividly in his mind's eye. It was funny, the memories of Asuka were clearer than the ones of Neu. It was like some sort of cruel joke. He could remember the innocence and the joy they had shared and then he would be met with the images of death and blood and violence and it would all fall away.
"I guess we've all lost people that we loved." Ken said softly. It was more of a reminder to himself than anything else.
"Yeah." Yohji whispered and brought his hand up to his face as the emotions threatened to spill over and reveal themselves as crystal droplets streaming down his cheeks. He wiped them away quickly before they could fall, but that didn't stop the pain or the bitterness from finding their way into his heart. He wished they could fall so easily, but things like that were not so simple. They were like stains on his soul that would never wash away. They would always be there to haunt him until he found some way to see past them.
Ken stood up and walked over to his friend. He touched Yohji's shoulder gently and tried to comfort him. He bent closer and put one arm across Yohji's shoulders and hugged him loosely.
"It's okay, KenKen. You can sit down. I'll be okay." Yohji said a few moments later as he pulled away from Ken's embrace. He didn't need pity and Ken could never really understand what he was going through. No one could ever understand. That's what made it so hard.
Ken nodded and let go reluctantly. He understood, but he didn't want to give up so easily. He pulled his chair a little closer to Yohji so that they were sitting side by side at the small round table. He stared down at the edge of the table. He wondered if he should say something. He only wanted to help. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Okay, here goes.
"Yohji. I know how you feel." The words seemed flat and dull in comparison to the storm of emotions raging through Ken's heart as he said the words. They were hard for him to admit. He had tried for so long to forget the things that made those words so true, but after all of these years, he still felt them and knew that he would never be able to erase the past. He just had to learn to live with the sorrow and try to push past it. He hoped Yohji would someday be able to do the same.
"Don't worry about it KenKen." Yohji brushed the comment aside with a small wave of his hand and tried to reassure Ken with a small half-smile. He looked up expecting to see Ken's concerned face focused on his. He was surprised to see Ken staring intently at his clasped hands before him and apparently trying to take deep breaths. His next words came out quiet and forced.
"No. I think it is important that you know. Besides, I've wanted to tell you this for so long." Ken shifted slightly in his seat and looked up into emerald green eyes.
Yohji tilted his head slightly. "Go ahead, Ken. I'm listening."
Ken nodded and moved his hands to his lap. "I always invite you here on this day. I always say it is so that you won't have to be alone, but really, I have another reason."
"Oh?" Yohji said cautiously. He wasn't sure where this was headed.
"I don't want to be alone either. It's not a real anniversary or anything like that, but this time of year I can't help but think about the one that I loved." Ken shifted in his seat and paused for a moment. It was clear that he was having a tough time holding back tears. Pain filled the space between words and wavered in Ken's deep brown eyes as he looked up at Yohji briefly for some sort of reassurance. Yohji nodded slightly and Ken continued.
"We used to celebrate the stupidest things. I've always been kind of sentimental, I guess." He unclasped his hands and shrugged again. There was a bitter edge to his words this time. "Today would have been his birthday."
His? Yohji's eyes widened briefly and he hoped that Ken didn't see his reaction. The brown-haired man didn't seem to notice as he continued his story.
"After all this time, I can still see his face and hear the way he said my name." Ken swallowed with difficulty and leaned his head back against the wood of the chair in defeat as the tears started to fall.
"Ken." Yohji took in a sharp breath at the ache he saw in Ken's eyes for an instant before it was quickly drowned again behind that brown gaze.
"I know I should hate him for everything he did to me." Ken shook his head. "The gambling. the fire. the betrayal. I know I shouldn't believe a word he said, but I. I. I want to believe it so badly." Ken could no longer hold back the sobs. It had been so long since he had cried for Kase and he had never told anyone the full extent of their relationship before. It proved to be too much for his weary soul to handle tonight. Something snapped and he was glad that Yohji was nearby. If anyone could understand, it would have to be him. Ken closed his eyes and clenched his teeth in an effort to stop the tears, but it was no use. They kept coming.
Yohji shook his head. Kase. He reached out for Ken the moment he heard the first sob. His world and his pain seemed to fade away for a moment as he focused on the image before him. KenKen. Why did you hold it in for so long? Yohji held Ken close as the soccer player laid his head against Yohji's shoulder and struggled to fight back the sadness.
After a few moments of silence and ragged breaths, Ken pulled away a little and looked up into Yohji's sympathetic eyes. "In my mind, I don't see those things." He said slowly. His voice was still rough and pained from crying, but he needed to say this. He wanted to know that Yohji understood. "I see the way he smiled at me and I feel his arms around me and it is too much. Did he lie all of those times he said he loved me? Was it all just a game to him?"
The last words echoed in the silence of the small room. Ken shook his head and leaned back in his chair. "I'm sorry, Yohji. I know you feel the same way, but what can we do?"
Yohji frowned slightly and closed his eyes only to find himself met with images not of Asuka but of Ken's sad brown eyes. Images of the pain that love had caused him and the ache in his own soul that told him he had borne similar pain. Everything seemed to be crying out that love was painful, dangerous, fleeting and insincere, but he could not allow himself to believe those things. He knew that it was such thoughts that had caused his friend such pain. It was those thoughts that kept Ken from moving on and seeing how wonderful he really was. It was such thoughts that kept even him from looking for a new love or realizing that one had been there all along.
It wasn't a perfect kiss, hindered by tears and hesitation, but as Yohji leaned forward and pressed his warm lips against Ken's yielding mouth something clicked between them and a love that had never before had a chance to shine began to glow a dim ember that would someday ignite a glorious flame. Two friends wrapped their arms around one another and leaned closer to deepen the kiss seeking a comfort and companionship that neither had dared to hope for. Golden brown bangs fell across dark ones and a soft blush crept across pale cheeks. A delicate hand came up to brush the last tear from the other's cheek and new memories drowned out the bitter sharpness of older ones.
~Owari~
Thanks for reading!
Warning: This contains spoilers for both Yohji and Ken's past and well you should probably be familiar with the whole series. Also, this is shounen-ai so leave now if male/male relationships bother you.
Disclaimer: I don't own Weiss.
----------------------------
What If I Said.
by samuraiheart
-------------------------
"Hi, Yohji." Ken said smiling as he opened the door and let his friend into his small apartment.
"It's good to see you, KenKen." Yohji said sincerely as he looked around the apartment. It was a reasonable size for one person. The furniture was sparse and casual. A few soccer trophies were set up on a shelf to the left. Yohji smiled. It was so Ken.
"Yohji! Why do you always call me that?"
"Because you're so cute when you get upset about it." Yohji ruffled his hair playfully and walked towards the kitchen. "Dinner smells good. What is it?"
Ken beamed. "It's take out. I didn't trust myself in the kitchen." He shrugged and reached into the cabinet to pull out plates and cups to set the table.
Yohji nodded and tried to suppress a grin. Ken wasn't the best cook. It felt so good to smile again. Sometimes it was so hard, but somehow when Ken was around he could always find something to lift his spirits. He leaned on the counter a little and looked over at his friend. His gaze wondered over Ken's dark hair and the way that it fell in delicate strands over his sparkling brown eyes so that Ken occasionally had to brush it away. Yohji felt his heartbeat quicken a little at the way Ken's smooth, black t-shirt was just a little too tight. He shook his head and decided that he should try to carry on some sort of conversation. He couldn't spend the night drooling over his best friend. What had gotten into him anyway? He had never felt this way before towards Ken. Well, that wasn't exactly true, but there was no reason to dwell on that now.
"So, how have you been lately?" Yohji asked nonchalantly.
Ken paused to look over at Yohji. Green eyes stared back at him for a moment. Then Yohji's gaze shifted and he focused on some indeterminable point in between. Ken was glad. If he wasn't looking, there was a less of a chance that he would see the words for the lie they were. "Not too bad. Things are going well. How about you?"
Yohji sighed. "Well, you know how it is." he shrugged and smiled, but it didn't quite reach all the way to his eyes. They still held a hint of melancholy that never seemed to go away. Tonight was no different.
Ken set down two plates at the table and frowned. He wished he could help erase that look, but he didn't know what he could do. "What's wrong Yohji?"
Yohji leaned against the counter again in a vain attempt to brush off the comment and ignore the situation. He closed his eyes and shook his head. He just couldn't find it in him tonight. "I guess I've been thinking about Asuka too much. You know, today would have been our anniversary."
Ken nodded. He remembered. This happened every year. It was part of the reason he had invited Yohji here tonight. "I'm sorry, Yohji." Ken said simply. He knew it wasn't much. It had certainly never helped him, but that was beside the point. This was about Yohji.
Yohji took a deep breath and shook his head. "It's all in the past, Ken. I should just let it go." He looked down at the floor.
"It's okay, Yohji. I understand." Ken said quietly. He hoped that Yohji wouldn't hear the pain in his voice. He tried so hard to hide it, but sometimes it pushed through unwillingly and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Especially on nights like these. When something hung in the air that was so close to what he longed for and yet so far away from what he had once had.
Yohji nodded and clenched his fist. "I guess I'm not being a very good guest, am I?"
Ken looked up. "Oh no. Don't worry about it, Yohji." He said as he finished setting the glasses on the table and gestured for them to sit down. They each pulled out a chair and sat across from each other.
"You really loved her didn't you?" Ken asked. He had to know. Maybe if they both felt a pain so similar they could share it without adding to either of their burdens. Ken didn't want to risk it any other way. He was always so afraid that his pain would seep into someone else's life and then he would have another soul to feel guilty about.
Yohji's eyes widened at the sincere question. He couldn't remember anyone ever asking him that before. It had always been so obvious. "Yes. She meant everything to me." He shook his head again. He was trying very hard to push away the emotions and focus on the present, but the memories kept flooding back and he could see her so vividly in his mind's eye. It was funny, the memories of Asuka were clearer than the ones of Neu. It was like some sort of cruel joke. He could remember the innocence and the joy they had shared and then he would be met with the images of death and blood and violence and it would all fall away.
"I guess we've all lost people that we loved." Ken said softly. It was more of a reminder to himself than anything else.
"Yeah." Yohji whispered and brought his hand up to his face as the emotions threatened to spill over and reveal themselves as crystal droplets streaming down his cheeks. He wiped them away quickly before they could fall, but that didn't stop the pain or the bitterness from finding their way into his heart. He wished they could fall so easily, but things like that were not so simple. They were like stains on his soul that would never wash away. They would always be there to haunt him until he found some way to see past them.
Ken stood up and walked over to his friend. He touched Yohji's shoulder gently and tried to comfort him. He bent closer and put one arm across Yohji's shoulders and hugged him loosely.
"It's okay, KenKen. You can sit down. I'll be okay." Yohji said a few moments later as he pulled away from Ken's embrace. He didn't need pity and Ken could never really understand what he was going through. No one could ever understand. That's what made it so hard.
Ken nodded and let go reluctantly. He understood, but he didn't want to give up so easily. He pulled his chair a little closer to Yohji so that they were sitting side by side at the small round table. He stared down at the edge of the table. He wondered if he should say something. He only wanted to help. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Okay, here goes.
"Yohji. I know how you feel." The words seemed flat and dull in comparison to the storm of emotions raging through Ken's heart as he said the words. They were hard for him to admit. He had tried for so long to forget the things that made those words so true, but after all of these years, he still felt them and knew that he would never be able to erase the past. He just had to learn to live with the sorrow and try to push past it. He hoped Yohji would someday be able to do the same.
"Don't worry about it KenKen." Yohji brushed the comment aside with a small wave of his hand and tried to reassure Ken with a small half-smile. He looked up expecting to see Ken's concerned face focused on his. He was surprised to see Ken staring intently at his clasped hands before him and apparently trying to take deep breaths. His next words came out quiet and forced.
"No. I think it is important that you know. Besides, I've wanted to tell you this for so long." Ken shifted slightly in his seat and looked up into emerald green eyes.
Yohji tilted his head slightly. "Go ahead, Ken. I'm listening."
Ken nodded and moved his hands to his lap. "I always invite you here on this day. I always say it is so that you won't have to be alone, but really, I have another reason."
"Oh?" Yohji said cautiously. He wasn't sure where this was headed.
"I don't want to be alone either. It's not a real anniversary or anything like that, but this time of year I can't help but think about the one that I loved." Ken shifted in his seat and paused for a moment. It was clear that he was having a tough time holding back tears. Pain filled the space between words and wavered in Ken's deep brown eyes as he looked up at Yohji briefly for some sort of reassurance. Yohji nodded slightly and Ken continued.
"We used to celebrate the stupidest things. I've always been kind of sentimental, I guess." He unclasped his hands and shrugged again. There was a bitter edge to his words this time. "Today would have been his birthday."
His? Yohji's eyes widened briefly and he hoped that Ken didn't see his reaction. The brown-haired man didn't seem to notice as he continued his story.
"After all this time, I can still see his face and hear the way he said my name." Ken swallowed with difficulty and leaned his head back against the wood of the chair in defeat as the tears started to fall.
"Ken." Yohji took in a sharp breath at the ache he saw in Ken's eyes for an instant before it was quickly drowned again behind that brown gaze.
"I know I should hate him for everything he did to me." Ken shook his head. "The gambling. the fire. the betrayal. I know I shouldn't believe a word he said, but I. I. I want to believe it so badly." Ken could no longer hold back the sobs. It had been so long since he had cried for Kase and he had never told anyone the full extent of their relationship before. It proved to be too much for his weary soul to handle tonight. Something snapped and he was glad that Yohji was nearby. If anyone could understand, it would have to be him. Ken closed his eyes and clenched his teeth in an effort to stop the tears, but it was no use. They kept coming.
Yohji shook his head. Kase. He reached out for Ken the moment he heard the first sob. His world and his pain seemed to fade away for a moment as he focused on the image before him. KenKen. Why did you hold it in for so long? Yohji held Ken close as the soccer player laid his head against Yohji's shoulder and struggled to fight back the sadness.
After a few moments of silence and ragged breaths, Ken pulled away a little and looked up into Yohji's sympathetic eyes. "In my mind, I don't see those things." He said slowly. His voice was still rough and pained from crying, but he needed to say this. He wanted to know that Yohji understood. "I see the way he smiled at me and I feel his arms around me and it is too much. Did he lie all of those times he said he loved me? Was it all just a game to him?"
The last words echoed in the silence of the small room. Ken shook his head and leaned back in his chair. "I'm sorry, Yohji. I know you feel the same way, but what can we do?"
Yohji frowned slightly and closed his eyes only to find himself met with images not of Asuka but of Ken's sad brown eyes. Images of the pain that love had caused him and the ache in his own soul that told him he had borne similar pain. Everything seemed to be crying out that love was painful, dangerous, fleeting and insincere, but he could not allow himself to believe those things. He knew that it was such thoughts that had caused his friend such pain. It was those thoughts that kept Ken from moving on and seeing how wonderful he really was. It was such thoughts that kept even him from looking for a new love or realizing that one had been there all along.
It wasn't a perfect kiss, hindered by tears and hesitation, but as Yohji leaned forward and pressed his warm lips against Ken's yielding mouth something clicked between them and a love that had never before had a chance to shine began to glow a dim ember that would someday ignite a glorious flame. Two friends wrapped their arms around one another and leaned closer to deepen the kiss seeking a comfort and companionship that neither had dared to hope for. Golden brown bangs fell across dark ones and a soft blush crept across pale cheeks. A delicate hand came up to brush the last tear from the other's cheek and new memories drowned out the bitter sharpness of older ones.
~Owari~
Thanks for reading!