Chapter 4 – Laid Bare

Yamaku Academy

A year ago

I woke up and immediately wished I hadn't. The sun was shining bright outside my window, unimpeded by the curtains which I had neglected to draw shut during the night. The birds were making a godawful racket. Anyone who has ever described the tweeting of birds as 'merry' clearly never found it impossible to get back to sleep.

I looked around, yawning, trying to get my bearings and remember why half of my bedsheet and my blanket seemed to be on the floor. There was a girl with red hair in my room who had fallen out of bed, yet remained fast asleep. She was lying in the weirdest position with her back on the floor, her legs resting on my bed, but looked like the most comfortable person in the world.

It took a second before my brain snapped back to reality. That girl was Rin. She had come over to my room last night and we...well...fooled around a little. It was rather a lot of fun for us both. Then we got to talking about completely random things and that ate up a lot of hours. Then it was late and she didn't feel like going back to her own room, so she lay down on my bed and went to sleep and I got in next to her and drifted off myself. And apparently in the middle of the night she had tumbled out of bed and either didn't realise it, or decided it was too much bother to climb back up and so she had gone back to sleep.

I remembered something else, and that something made me smile. Rin was my girlfriend, and I was her boyfriend, and right now that was everything that I wanted in the world.

Rin snorted in her sleep, making her fringe fly up for a moment. I decided to wake her. The sun already looked high in the sky and I wanted to make the most of every moment I had with Rin. I stretched out a leg and prodded her with a toe. Rin scrunched up her nose, but continued snoozing. I prodded again, harder. After a while, Rin gave a huge yawn and opened her lovely murky green eyes.

"Hisao," she said, her voice thick with sleep. "You're upside-down."

"No I'm not," I said, looking down at her. "You are."

Rin focused on the ceiling and grudgingly admitted that I was right. I helped her up and she sat on my bed and observed me while I looked for a t-shirt and some shorts to put on.

"I like your room, Hisao," said Rin after a while.

"Really? It's so small. I think your room's more interesting. It has more personality."

"Personality?"

"Yeah, like your paintings and art supplies and stuff. Anyone could guess it was your room."

"I see. But your room has personality too. Those books. The college pamphlets on your desk. The poster of the Urawa Red Diamonds on your wall. Did Shizune Hakamichi give that to you?"

I laughed at the idea of Shizune giving me a gift without expecting me to tackle something crazy like archiving twenty years of student records in return. "No, my mom gave it to me. She knows they're my favourite team."

Rin looked interested at the mention of my mother. "What are your parents like, Hisao?"

I paused for a moment, thinking of my parents. Funnily enough, it was the first time someone had asked me that question in a long while. Part of the reason was that I had hung around only with Rin a lot after my accident, and she wasn't the type to make polite inquiries about family.

Or so I thought. Clearly something had piqued her interest. But the other part of the problem was that I couldn't really think of anything interesting to say about my parents. Sure, I loved them, but they had never really been a big part of my life. I wasn't complaining, they never beat me or starved me or anything like that. However sometimes I found myself thinking that if I ever had kids, I would be far more involved in their lives than my parents were in mine.

"I don't think I have too much to say about them," I said lightly. "They're pretty boring." To my surprise, Rin frowned at my answer.

"No one's boring Hisao. I used to think you were boring at first."

"Hey!"

"But then I found out I was terribly wrong, like that guy who thought he discovered India and later thought he discovered America when in the end all he discovered was part of the Caribbean. No one's boring, not if you've known them long enough. And you've known your parents all their lives."

I had to admit that Rin had a point. I thought about it some more, before speaking slowly.

"Well my mom...I guess she is pretty extraordinary, now that I think about it. She's not an average housewife, she has a high-level job at a public relations firm that works quite closely with the government. She's rather proud of her position, and that she managed to climb that high."

"Why?" asked Rin.

"I suppose it's a traditionally male-dominated industry, and there are not many women in her position."

"You see?" said Rin, smiling a little. "Your mother is interesting. And she knows which football team you like."

"I guess she is," I said. My mom in her high heels, sharp, sensible suit and cellphone by her side at all hours of the day. Looking like she was girding herself for battle every time she went off to work.

"What about your dad?" asked Rin next.

An image of my father came to mind. Solid, dependable, comfortable, always there in the background of my memory, never quite coming to the fore. With his thinning hair and slightly rumpled clothes, he looked like an absent-minded professor. In reality he was anything but. My father once worked as a civil servant in the Ministry of Transport, but willingly resigned after he realised his position might compromise my mother at her firm. He had always been interested in sailing and the sea, and now worked to design better safety measures in ship-building.

I described him to Rin and she looked pleased. "That's better. I feel like I've met them already. You are a good observer, Hisao."

"Why are you so interested in my parents anyway?" I asked, as Rin stood up and looked around for her clothes.

"You never talked about them," she said. "I was curious."

I helped her get dressed, pulling her shirt over her head and helping her put on her pants. "I just wonder what brought that on, that's all."

"I don't understand you, Hisao."

"Huh?"

"I don't understand you. I mean, I understand you a little, but it's a bit like when Dr Livingstone went deep into the jungles of darkest Africa and got terribly lost. So I want to understand you better. Except that you don't come with a map and getting a compass probably wouldn't help me much."

"So how is asking me about my mum and dad help with that?"

Rin gave me a look that suggested I was being particularly dense. "Didn't you tell me once that the best way to observe someone was to look at how they affected others?"

I thought back to one of Mr Mutou's lectures. "I guess that's true when it comes to science."

Rin went on with the mini-lecture of her own. "I thought about doing that, but then I realised you don't exactly hang out with a lot of people other than me and Emi. And even for Emi, not all that much. I don't know the people in your class that well either."

I was leaning on my desk, a little bemused at Rin's earnestness. But I had to admit this was intriguing me more than I expected at first. "Go on."

"I thought about it for a really long while. I even spent a whole day thinking about it."

"Was that why you said you had a really bad cough and that I shouldn't go near you that time?"

"Shhh, don't interrupt. Then just as I was about to give up, right before I wanted to eat that bowl of plum jelly I'd been saving for days, it came to me."

"What did?"

"Sometimes the best way to do something is to reverse it, like wearing a hat or sleeping on a couch. So instead of looking at how you affect others, I decided to look at how you were made."

"Rin, please don't make me think of my parents doing it."

"Not that, silly. Where you came from. How you were shaped. Your origin. Like a radioactive spider or aliens from the future granting you superpowers. Except you don't have superpowers. You're just Hisao."

"I'm just me, alright."

"And I like you like that," said Rin, suddenly coming close and touching her nose to mine, and that made me grin.

"You know, you'd make a pretty good scientist yourself."

"I would?"

"If you can't observe an object directly, examining its origin is a good way to go about it."

Rin looked very pleased with herself. "I thought it would. So I asked you about your parents. And now I know more."

She was standing in front of the door. I grabbed my wallet and we walked out of my room, not caring if anyone saw us. Only Kenji was on my floor anyway, and as it was the summer holidays he had gone back home. Probably to some alien planet.

"Do you think that I would do better in my science classes now?"

"It's possible," I said.

"That's good. I want these summer classes to be over already. They're so boring. Even more than usual. I sit in class and try to listen to the teacher but all I can think of are clouds and giraffes, and giraffes shaped like clouds."

"There are some good things at least," I said, throwing an arm around her shoulder. "I don't have any classes."

"That's because you didn't need to work for most of a year for an art show you never really wanted to have anyway."

"That's true. But I was thinking more of the fact that we get to spend more time together this way."

"Do you like that?"

"I like it very much."

I walked Rin back to her own dormitory, noting how much more quiet and peaceful the school seemed during the holidays. True, compared to other schools, Yamaku had more students staying over instead of going back home. Those who did tended to have severe medical conditions and the availability of the nursing staff made things easier for them. But enough had left to turn the school into a different, quieter place.

While Rin had a shower, I busied myself tidying her room up a little. Now that Emi wasn't around to nag her, Rin's room had begun the slow migration from a slightly messy but liveable space to ground zero for a nuke test. I did what I could, picking up stray brushes and tubes of paint off the floor and placing them in some order on her table.

Rin emerged and I helped her put on a clean uniform. She looked around at her mysteriously neater room, but didn't see fit to comment. We lingered in the room, in no particular hurry to get going. Summer school classes started later in the day than during the normal term (an initiative lobbied hard by the teachers, not the students) and Rin still had more than enough time to get to her first class.

"What's on the agenda today?"

"I believe it is science. Mr Mutou is helping us to catch up on the theory of gravity and associated developments."

"Gravity eh? Pfft, that's easy. You'll be done in no time."

"I hope I don't fail the exam again," said Rin. Her face was in its usual neutral expression, but the very slight worry of her tone belied what she was thinking. "I wouldn't be able to graduate."

"Lucky for you then that your boyfriend is interested in science," I said, hamming it up, trying to put her at ease. "With me around, you'll have no problem acing the exam."

Rin gave me a long, hard, searching look. It looked as though she was trying to say something, but couldn't find the words. Eventually she shook her head.

"Never mind. Maybe later."

"Later what?"

She ignored my question and asked one of her own. "What are you going to do while I'm in class, Hisao?"

I decided not to push it, Rin would tell me what was on her mind in due time. The trick was to recognise when she was trying to. Since I had no summer classes, I spent most of my time finding things to occupy myself with until I could meet up with Rin again. The other day I had literally done nothing but watch a trapped grasshopper flit all around my room until I finally opened the window and let him fly out. I loved how lazy the days were, with absolutely no obligation to do anything until Rin was free once more.

"I might hang out with Hanako," I said. "Maybe the three of us could have dinner together in town."

Rin nodded. "That would be nice," she said. Ever since we had toured Tohoku University together, I had actively tried to include Hanako in our lunches and other activities. She hadn't gone back home for the holidays either, although she hadn't explained why and we didn't want to pry. Still, I thought she liked hanging out with me and Rin, especially with Lilly Satou no longer in Yamaku.

We reached the main school building, and I slung Rin's bag over her shoulder. "Bye then. I'll see you later."

Instead of saying goodbye Rin stepped close and gave me a quick kiss. I was surprised, but kissed her back and gave her a hug for good measure. Then she was off and I waved until she couldn't see me anymore.

"Well well," I said out loud. "What am I going to do now?"

There was no one around, and I might have been asking the universe for all I cared. The universe had no answers for me. But that was alright. I had all day to find them, and many more.

I decided to head down to the swimming pool. During the normal school term the indoor pool was far too popular and crowded. Along with the students who needed to perform physiotherapy in the water, it was a magnet for most of the athletic students. Because of that I never really visited the pool before. Also, the scar on my chest from my heart surgery was something that I still wasn't ready to reveal to everyone. Well, anyone except Rin.

My father made a present out of my goggles and swim cap, reasoning that a bit of exercise would be good for me. Although Emi had bugged me to run with her a million times, there was something I liked more about swimming. I enjoyed the sensation of being buoyed up by the water, while cutting my way through it at the same time.

The place was quiet and empty when I walked in, the water perfectly clear and still. I dipped gently into the shallow end, watching the ripples made by my movement for a while. Then I struck out for the other side, favouring a steady breast stroke to get my heart pumping.

After about twenty laps I began to feel myself getting tired, and floated awhile at the edge of the pool. I tried not holding on to anything and felt myself slowly rise to the surface, suspended weightless in the water. It was the most relaxing feeling in the world to let the currents take me where they would, drifting with the waves.

A few laps later I finished my workout and headed to the changing rooms to shower. The hot water felt good after the coldness of the pool, and I felt my muscles gradually relaxing. I towelled off and wrapped it around my waist, before going out to the lockers to get my clothes.

Whistling a merry tune, I reached the lockers. I bent down to open mine – and realised something. Our lockers had a little key to prevent people from swiping your stuff. But mine just happened to be lying on my table, back in my dorm room, a million miles away.

I froze in place as a single thought hammered my brain. "Oh, no."

Oh god I was stuck outside with only a towel to wear and my clothes were locked in the locker and oh god I was so screwed...

My heart started beating faster, and I instantly realised that dying of embarrassment could very well be literal in my case. I sat down on a bench to try and compose myself, taking deep, slow breaths. Luckily it worked, and my heart settled into a more-or-less normal rhythm. I tried to think things through logically.

Ok, maybe it's not the end of the world. It's the holidays after all. The place is practically deserted. The kids who are still here are at class. Maybe nobody would notice if I hightailed it all the way to my dorm room.

Realising that if I left it any longer I would very well have stayed in that locker room for the rest of my life, so I forced myself to walk outside. After tying and re-tying the towel around my waist about fifty times to make sure it didn't fall off.

I moved in a kind of half-scurry, half-crouch, my bare feet slapping the concrete with a dull plap-plap sound, leaving a wet trail of footprints behind me. Nobody interrupted me on my way out of the swimming complex. Taking another deep breath, I pushed open the door that led to the grounds with one hand, the other clamped firmly on my towel. The gentle breeze raised goosebumps up my arm. I hadn't taken my shirt off outside ever since the surgery, and it felt twenty kinds of weird to be outside while half-naked.

Thankfully, the school grounds appeared to be as empty as the swimming complex. With a nervous glance at the main school building, I moved off in the direction of the school dorms. The door of the boy's dorm was just in sight before another thought struck me. The key I needed to open up my locker was in my dorm room. But the key to my dorm room was in the pocket of my trousers – which happened to be in the locker back at the swimming pool.

It was probably this sudden realisation of how stupid I had been that made me neglect to look where I was going, and crash into someone on the path, sending both of us flying.

I scrambled to my feet, feeling a blush burning my cheeks a deep red. This was the personification of my nightmares come to life. Just about the only thing that hadn't gone wrong was that my towel had managed to somehow stay on my waist.

"I am so sorry, I am so so sorry..." I babbled, backing away as best I could. Then I actually got a good look at the person I had collided with. She had long dark hair, was wearing long black tights, and had dropped a couple books on the ground. She was staring at me, her face a deep red, the half of it that wasn't obscured by her hair. My mouth fell open in shock. Of all the people in the world to run into, it had to be her.

"H-Hanako!"

"Hisao? OhmygoshI'msosorry!" she said in a high pitched squeal, whipping her head around so fast I thought I heard her neck crack.

"No, it's my fault," I mumbled, getting to my feet and helping Hanako up as well. She was still determinedly averting her gaze, even when I picked up her books and handed them back to her.

"I uh, was wondering if you could help me," I began, wondering how on Earth I had managed to land myself in this situation. I described what had happened to Hanako as fast as I could, while she stared fixedly at a tree somewhere off to the right.

"I...I s-suppose you could...come to my room for a while," Hanako managed to say at last, in a whisper so low I could barely hear it. Oh god I was blushing again.

"Thank you so much," I blurted out, and Hanako nodded her head frantically. Still not looking at me, she hurried off towards the girl dormitories. If anyone was watching us, it might have resembled the worst kind of pornographic video set-up. I followed her, praying to all the gods I knew that no one else would see me going into Hanako's room in just a towel.

The gods were kind for once. There was nobody in the elevator with us, during the longest four minutes of my life as Hanako and I were trapped in a small enclosed space, with my towel doing sterling service in the name of protecting both of our reputations. The walls of the elevator were shiny as well, so Hanako compensated by staring at the floor instead, her hair falling round her face in waves. I had never been more glad to hear the click of the door behind me, as Hanako let me inside her room. But the relief of not being exposed outside was now quickly being replaced by the very uncomfortable thoughts that began to creep into my head about being half-naked in the room of another girl who wasn't my girlfriend.

It was decided that Hanako would lend me one of her gym shorts, a t-shirt and a pair of slippers so I could go down to the Student Affairs Office and get them to open up my door for me. Underwear was out of the question, and both of us took care not to mention it. I pulled on Hanako's clothes as quickly as I could, while she stood with her back to me. They were a bit starchy, as though they hadn't seen much use. Unlike Emi, Hanako wasn't known to be active on any athletics or sports teams.

"Thank you so much Hanako," I said again, as I prepared to leave her room. "I'll bring back your clothes as soon as I can. Uh, well-washed of course."

"D-don't mention it, Hisao," she said. She still wasn't looking at me. I left her room as quickly as I could and livened up the day of a bored looking assistant at the Student Affairs Office with my tale of woe.

Rin and I had dinner just by ourselves that night. I couldn't bear the thought of facing Hanako so soon after the incident. When I finally explained to Rin everything that had happened, I expected her to either get mad, or laugh. She did neither, but just reminded me to make sure I brought my keys along with me the next time I went for a swim. Rin's capacity to find wonder in the mundane while simultaneously remain impassive in the face of everything else never ceased to bewilder me.

It was a few days later when I saw Hanako again. I told myself it was dumb to let embarrassment drive a wedge between us. I was determined to walk up to her dorm room, hand her back her clothes and thank her once more for helping me, like a good friend should.

Hanako opened her door and looked up at me, her face half-hidden once more by that curtain of hair. I handed her the bag with her clothes inside, stepped back and bowed.

"Hanako, you really helped me out of a tight spot the other day. I don't know what would have happened to me if you hadn't brought me to your room. Thanks again."

Well she was looking at me instead of blushing and running away, so I presumed it was a good sign.

"Um, Hisao?"

"Yes?"

"I...I wanted to...ask you something."

"Sure, anything." She had seen me completely without secrets, as it were, I couldn't imagine having to share something else that would be quite as embarrassing.

Hanako pointed to my chest and I realised with a sinking feeling what she wanted to talk about.

"That scar of yours. Is that why you're here? At Yamaku?"

My condition and surgery were still sensitive subjects, but spending so much time around Rin made me realise I wasn't the only one with a sob story and a tale of painful readjustment. I was dating a girl who couldn't put a shirt on in the morning without some help. She didn't even see it as anything more than a minor bother, just something to be dealt with. It had made me come to terms with my own heart condition, and be more open about it.

I went inside the room and sat on her chair while Hanako sat on the bed and listened to me speak. She didn't interrupt me as I recounted that snowy day when I suffered my first heart attack, the emergency surgery, the long, wretched stay in the hospital afterwards.

"I was in a very dark place. I felt...empty, I suppose. As though the world could fall down around my ears and I wouldn't care at all. Numb. I thought my life was over. Then my parents told me I had to change schools."

Hanako listened in rapt attention as I told her of my misgivings when I first came to Yamaku, and the doubts and fears that I had. But I managed to overcome them, and not without help.

"It was Rin, you see," I said, smiling. "She showed me there was more to life than feeling sorry for myself. She showed me that I could choose what I did next, not my heart or any whim of the universe. And you know what? If you ask her I'm not sure she'd understand. But she did it anyway. She helped me through a very difficult time."

"I didn't know," said Hanako, in a low tone. "I'm sorry..."

"No, there's nothing to be sorry about," I said. "In fact, I'm sorry I didn't get to know you earlier. Having another friend would have helped me out a lot. But I'm glad things worked out the way they did after all."

She smiled, and it was a rare sight, like the sun peeping through the dark clouds. "I'm happy for you too, Hisao."

We sat in comfortable silence a moment longer. I didn't ask the obvious question, sensing that now wasn't quite the right time. Hanako had scars of her own, scars that were less easy to hide than the one on my chest. Maybe she would never tell me what had caused them. But that was her own decision to make. For now, it was enough that I had made another friend.

Hanako joined us for dinner that night, a lazy affair in Rin's room. She sat at the desk while Rin sprawled across the bed, leaning on my shoulder. We were listening to some dumb pop band, the night breeze was rustling the leaves on the trees outside, and I wished the moment could last forever.

"Did Hisao ever give you back your clothes?" asked Rin, apropos of nothing. Hanako looked surprised.

"Y-yes. Yes, he did," she said.

"Good," said Rin. "Hisao shouldn't wear another girl's clothing any longer than he has to."

"Rin," I said. "Don't tease Hanako." The poor girl was blushing again.

"I'm not," said Rin. "I'm glad she helped you out. Otherwise you'd be known now and forever as the Streaker of Yamaku, forever tainting the reputation of our school and the innocence of countless schoolgirls if your towel had happened to blow away on the wind..."

Hanako giggled first, and it was so unexpected that I started laughing helplessly, and the two of us just laughed and laughed, holding our sides, while Rin gazed serenely at us as if she was watching a film.

"Did you tell her?" she asked, once we were finished.

"Tell her what?"

She laid a hand on my chest. "About your scar. She must have seen it."

I was stunned, but only for a moment. Rin could be scarily insightful at times.

"I did."

"Mm," said Rin, closing her eyes. "You have scars too," she said, to Hanako. The shy girl looked away and lowered her head, an instinctive reaction that shielded most of the right side of her face from view.

"Rin," I said in a warning tone. "Maybe we shouldn't be talking about this."

Rin opened one eye and stared up at me. "Why not?"

"It's a sensitive subject."

"Hanako's scars? I don't see why. We all have scars," said Rin, while Hanako looked at her, bewildered.

"Sorry?" she said. Rin nodded sagely.

"All of us have scars. You do. Hisao does. I have scars too."

"Of course, y-your arms -"

"No, I don't mean that," said Rin. "I mean...every time you feel like saying something and the rest of the world doesn't understand. Every day you spend behind a locked door instead of going outside to talk to another human being. Every cut, every nick, every little moment of anger. We all bear them."

I put my arm around her waist. "Rin's right," I said to Hanako. "No matter what we look like, all of us have scars. Some are just more obvious than others."

"You see?" said Rin, smiling a little. "Hisao understands. It takes a while, but he gets there in the end."

Hanako's lips were set in a line. It was clear she was thinking hard about what we just said. There was something familiar about the way she looked, and I racked my brain, trying to place it. Then it dawned on me. Hanako reminded me, strangely enough, of Emi. If Emi was here, there would be a sense of stilled energy about her, the feeling that she could jump up and leap at you at a moment's notice. The girl was hyperactive at the best of times. With Hanako that same stillness was there, but it was the reverse. In Hanako, you got the feeling that she was never quite comfortable no matter where she was, that she would like nothing better than to suddenly get up and run away.

But as I watched, Hanako began to relax, until I no longer felt that she was apt to flee at a moment's notice. Maybe Rin's words were getting through to her.

"I understand, Rin," she said, with a small bow.

"You don't have to tell us anything if you don't want to," I added. "But if you ever want to, we'll be here."

"That's what friends do. I think," said Rin, with the air of someone imparting a great secret. We had a pleasant time for the rest of the night, talking about less serious stuff until Hanako had to go back to her room and I decided to sleep over at Rin's. As I held her in my arms and we drifted off to sleep, I felt warm and fuzzy and like everything was all right with the world.