Title: Till the Day We Die
Author: thepielady
Rating: K
Genre: Friendship, Angst
Pairing: Kuzco/OFC, Kuzco/Pacha Friendship
Warnings: None
Spoilers: ENG
Disclaimer: The Emperor's New Groove is the property of Walt Disney Pictures.
Summary: "I'll never be able to make friends like you," said Kuzco. "Why d'you say that?" asked Pacha. Kuzco glared at him across the table. "Oh. Emperor. Right," Pacha said.

A/N: I've watched ENS, but I didn't incorporate any of that here. So no Malina. But I gave names to all the potential brides! Title taken from 'My Funny Friend And Me.'

Till the Day We Die

Chapter 1

"He's different," the servants whispered to each other. "He's changed."

The royal dresser whispered to one of the guards in the hall: "Yesterday, when he saw me, he asked, 'How are you?' Can you believe that?"

"That's nothing," the guard muttered. "I brushed against him this morning – he actually apologized. Apologized!"

The whole palace was abuzz.

The royal record keeper paced outside the breakfast room while the last of the servants filed out, carrying dirty breakfast dishes, napkins, and a tablecloth so large it took three servants to carry it through the door. Finally, the chef himself emerged, bowing as he retreated. "Thank you. Thank you your highness," he said. He bowed once more and shut the door.

"How is he?" the royal record keeper whispered to the chef.

"Quite an appetite for a man back from the dead," the chef whispered back.

Upon his return, Emperor Kuzco had summarily explained his absence: "Yzma tried to poison me, but she mixed up the potions and gave me a sedative instead! Knocked me out for three whole days, isn't that right Pacha?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah. That's exactly what happened. Yep."

"And Pacha here was good enough to keep the jaguars from mauling my unconscious corpse, weren't you buddy?"

"I did save his life a number of times."

"Aha ha ha… You can't turn your back for one little second without someone staging a coup, am I right?" the Emperor had said.

Despite his explanation, most of the palace staff was sure that Emperor Kuzco had returned from the dead. Some even whispered that the Emperor was dead and a new man had taken his place. His strange change in attitude had done nothing to quell the rumors.

The royal record keeper entered the breakfast room to find the Emperor with his feet propped up on the table, leaning back in his chair. "Aaaah. I'll never miss a meal again…"

"Your highness, you sent for me?" asked the royal record keeper with a bow.

"Yep!" Kuzco exclaimed, sitting upright. "New orders, my man. Tell me everything Yzma did in the past three days. Ready?"

"Yes your highness."

"Okay – go."

"Upon learning of your death, Madame Yzma arranged for your immediate mummification and for the construction of your tomb."

"Cancel the tomb – next."

"Madame Yzma arranged to develop and install new palace decorations–"

"Scrap 'em. Next?"

"Um… she then ordered construction on a new wing of the–"

"Cancel it."

"She ordered a new dress made by–"

"Don't care." Kuzco put his feet back up on the table. "Is that everything?"

"That is all, your highness. Madame Yzma and Mr. Kronk were not seen again until yesterday."

"Uh huh. Well first things first. Are you taking all this down?" He gestured to the purple banners, stenciled with an outline of Yzma's profile that still hung from the ceiling. "Those things are seriously throwing off my–"

The royal record keeper paused in his note-taking as Kuzco suddenly stopped talking. He looked up to see the Emperor staring into space.

"Your highness?"

Kuzco turned to look at him, and seemed to consider him for a moment. "Sorry," he said. "What's your name again?"

The royal record keeper realized he was staring. Immediately, he looked down and began to fiddle with a knotted string. It's like he's a different person, the servants said. When he looked up, the Emperor was still waiting for an answer.

"My name is Tupo," he said.

"Uh huh. Just curious: How long have you worked here?"

"Thirty-five years, your highness."

"Huh," Kuzco said. "Well Tupo, do you remember what's-his-name from the other day? The guy who uh… fell out the window?"

"Yes, your highness."

"Who was he?"

"Um, who – who was he?"

"Yeah – I assume he had a name, a hometown… loves ones maybe?"

"Well, the man's name was Rudy, your highness. He is a new member of the Advisory Council for the–"

"Yeah, I thought he looked familiar. Is he still around?"

"Um… yes your highness."

"Great. Summon him to the throne room, all right? I need to apologize."

Again, Tupo was speechless.

"I did something else that day," Kuzco said, staring at the far wall. "The last day before I left. What was it?"

"Uh…" Tupo looked back over his records. "I see you attended the ribbon cutting of the new aqueduct… then you blessed the sick children from Huacachi, then you blessed the new imperial caravel… then you ate lunch, then you met with the royal matchmaker to choose your bride, then–"

"Oh right! I remember. Those ugly ladies that might not have been so ugly after all. Are they still all around?"

"Um… no your highness. You see, after your… ah… death–"

"Got it. Well, better round them up again. And send Rudy into the throne room, 'kay?"

"Yes your highness," Tuco said, and the Emperor smiled at him. Not just a haughty, abrasive smirk. A smile that reached his eyes. The royal record keeper was halfway down the hall before he realized that the polite thing to do would be to smile back.

Being nice took so much work, Kuzco reflected.

When the world had revolved around him, he didn't have to think about anything. He didn't have to worry about making good decisions. And he certainly didn't have to care about disappointing anyone.

Now it was all different.

Kuzco hadn't been a bad ruler. Really. After all, the kingdom practically ran itself. A small army of bureaucrats shipped crops from the lowlands to the highlands, and shipped wool from the highlands to the lowlands. Whenever someone needed a new storehouse or temple, they rounded up peasants to build it. Sometimes there would be a flood or storm or plague and a village wouldn't meet its quota, but the royal accountants always seemed to know how to move numbers around to fix it. All Kuzco had to worry about was saying yes or no at the right time, and dealing with the peasants who brought complaints before the Emperor.

Who had started that tradition anyway? he wondered. His father, probably. The man had established such an efficient bureaucracy, and built up such credibility for the throne, that his son could have lived, as Pacha had put it, like a selfish brat for the rest of his life.

No, he hadn't been a bad ruler, Kuzco reflected. Just not a very good one. He hadn't really listened to any of those peasants who came to him with complaints. He never cared who would be displaced by a new temple or road (or vacation home). And he never bothered to remember anyone's names. He hadn't known the royal record keeper's name until a week ago, and he had worked at the palace longer than Kuzco had been alive.

It was little wonder no one cared when he had 'died.'

"Your highness?" A small voice broke through Kuzco's thoughts. From across the table, Yupa, Potential Future Bride #4, gave him a polite, ladylike stare.

"Yupa! Right," said Kuzco. "Props for coming in on such short notice. I just really wanted to apologize for… Uh… what was it I said again?"

"'Yikes,' your highness."

"Riiiight. Sorry about that. I was having a bad… fill in the blank. Anyway, I think it would be great if we could just start over."

"I would like that very much your highness."

"Great! I'm Kuzco. I like eating delicious food, line dancing, and taking long naps on the beach. Ha! And uh… what's your story?"

"Your highness, I am an accomplished panpipe player and have extensive knowledge of spinning techniques as well as weaving patterns and designs. I was given a classical education–" What is up with this girl's voice? Kuzco found himself thinking. It's like a swirling vortex of boring. I'm so tired all of a sudden… Is she still talking? I'm gonna die in this room…

"And both of my older sisters have born healthy children," Yupa finished.

Kuzco cast around for something to say to that. "Sooo… you're the youngest?"

"No your highness. I have two younger brothers. My father is the district judge of Hupanki Province and my mother's father is a commander in the imperial navy. I–"

"Oh no kidding?" Kuzco interrupted. "I had to bless one of your granddad's boats the other day."

"A very happy occasion your highness."

A servant – Hualpa – reappeared to refill their sweet drinks. He seemed to flash Kuzco a look of sympathy as he retreated.

"Well Yupa, thanks for coming in. We'll be in touch… don't call us, we'll call you."

Yupa stood up and bowed. "Thank you very much your highness for your kind attention." She left the way she had arrived, with short, even steps.

Kuzco slumped down in his seat, closed his eyes and groaned.

"She was pretty," Hualpa offered from the corner.

"What?" Kuzco said, opening his eyes. "Oh yeah, I know she was pretty. They're all pretty. It's like I'm interviewing clones. Are you sure they're not sending in the same one over and over?"

"Positive, your highness."

"Any chance they're septuplets?"

"No, your highness."

"Distant cousins?"

"No."

Kuzco sighed and rubbed his eyes. "If you say so. Okay. Show in Number Five."

"Mom, mom!" Tipo yelled. "Kuzco's home!"

"Kuzco is what?!" Chicha asked, wiping her hands on a towel.

"Let me see!" said Chaca. "Tipo, get out of the way!"

Chicha exchanged a curious look with Pacha, sitting at the kitchen table. With a grunt, he got to his feet and shuffled across the room to their squealing children.

"There's light in the windows, honey," said Pacha. Chicha joined her husband and children by the living room window. True to Pacha's word, there was a light in the window of Kuzco's vacation home on the neighboring hilltop.

"It's very unlikely that Kuzco would come back to soon," Chaca reasoned. "Someone probably turned him into a llama again and stole his house!"

"Can I go see who it is mom?" Tipo asked.

"If he goes, I want to go!"

"Kids, no one's going tonight, it's too dark," Chica said.

"Maybe it's one of the workers?" Pacha wondered aloud.

"No… They should be gone by now, the house was finished a week ago," Chicha said. She glanced at Pacha. He was staring up at the house on the hilltop, frowning. Chicha cleared her throat, inclined her head toward Kuzco's house and raised her eyebrows meaningfully. Pacha's eyes twinkled in response.

"Okay kids," Pacha said. "Time for bed. I'll tuck you in."

"Yay!" the oblivious children yelled in unison, holding up their arms to be picked up. Pacha settled both kids on either of his broad shoulders and climbed the steep wooden staircase to the attic. Chicha winced as the steps creaked under his feet. From the kids' room, she heard Chaca giggling as Pacha lifted her into bed, and Tipo asking for "Mom." Minutes later, Pacha descended the staircase.

"They're all yours," he muttered, reaching for his green poncho.

"Be careful," Chicha said.

When Pacha arrived at the house on the neighboring hilltop, the lights had been snuffed out. Yet holding his torch up, he realized that the door was slightly ajar. With a frown, Pacha shifted his torch to his left hand and opened the door, letting the light illuminate the living area.

"Hello? Is anyone there?" he called out. "Kuzco?"

There was no reply.

Pacha mounted his torch on the wall and lit a small candle. As he inspected the living room, he noticed the new furnishings, installed last week: a long bench by the window, an untouched fireplace, soft woolen rugs on the floor, and a table and chairs near the kitchen. There was a candle on the table, as well as a thin stone tablet. Carefully, Pacha lifted the tablet up to the candlelight. It was a carving of seven beautiful women.

"None of them are as pretty as me."

"Gah!" Pacha yelled. He lifted his candle up to see Kuzco standing in an open doorway, rubbing his eyes.

"How'd you get in here?" Kuzco yawned.

"The door was open," Pacha said. "What are you doing here? I thought you weren't coming for another few weeks."

"When I need a vacation, I need a vacation," Kuzco said with another yawn, crossing the room. He slumped into one of the chairs. "How is Clan Pacha?"

"Good! Oh, really good!" Pacha said. He reached out to light the candle on the table. "The kids are really excited about your new house. Man, the way they lit up when they saw the lights on up here. They were saying, 'Kuzco's home!' Ha ha… oh, and of course the baby is due any day now." Pacha settled himself in a chair.

"That's great, that's… really great. How's Chicha?"

Pacha smiled. "She's doing better this time around. When Chaca was born, I'm telling you, she was climbing the walls. Actually, we were both climbing the walls, but don't tell her I admitted it."

Kuzco regarded Pacha from across the table. "Hey Pacha…" he said. "How did you and Chicha meet, anyway?"

"Hmm? Oh – We met when I was… gosh, how old was I?" Pacha thought. "Let's see, thirty years ago… fifteen, I was fifteen. Yup."

"Thirty years ago?"

"Yup."

"Wow you're old. You're like the oldest old to ever old."

"Gee, thanks."

"So why did you two lovebirds wait so long to tie the knot?"

"Well, Chicha was a bit younger than me when we met. She was… Oh how old was she? Ten? She was actually a lot like Chaca is now – bossy but tough. Heh. Chicha was always trailing after me and my friends, trying to play ball with us. We all thought she was kind of annoying. But then I got a little older, and she got a little older…" Pacha trailed off with a grin. "We had to wait a long time to get married because her family needed her at home. But it was worth it. I swear – every year with her is better than the last."

Pacha looked across the table. Kuzco was staring at him like a puzzle piece that didn't fit.

"So," Pacha said. "Am I invited?"

"Invited to what?"

"To your wedding," Pacha said.

"My what? What wedding? There's no wedding. What's a wedding?"

"Kuzco."

"Okay, okay," Kuzco said. "I have to marry one of these 'ladies…'" He made air quotes with his hands. "But they're not making it easy," He pointed at the women on the tablet. "These two don't talk. This one only says 'Yes' and 'No.' This one's voice puts me to sleep. This one still hasn't forgiven me for calling her ugly one time. This one wouldn't shut up about her hair, and this one just agrees with whatever I say."

"Uh huh," Pacha said with a small grin. "And your problem is…?"

"It's not like I'm choosing a prom date!" Kuzco exclaimed, oblivious to Pacha's amusement. "I'm gonna be stuck with this woman forever. And it's all your fault."

"My fault!? How is this my fault?"

"If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have ever had any friends. I could have just sunned myself on a beach for the rest of my life and I wouldn't have to worry about… you know…"

"Wouldn't have to worry about what?"

Kuzco seemed to be sinking lower into his chair and muttered, "You know… being alone. And… stuff."

"Kuzco," Pacha said. "You aren't going to end up alone. You're going to make lots more friends!"

"Yeah, but how? That's what I can't figure out!"

Pacha hoped his pity did not show in his face. "It just takes some time. After all, you've only been back at the palace a month."

"Hey, unlike some geezers, I have all the time in the world," Kuzco muttered. "But I'll never be able to make friends like you."

"Why d'you say that?"

Kuzco glared at him across the table.

"Oh. Emperor. Right," said Pacha.

They sat in silence for a moment.

"I should be getting back home," Pacha said. "You sleep on it, all right? You know, my mother always told me that things look better in the daytime."

"Wow. That's a real gem. Be sure to thank Mommy Pacha for me."

Pacha reached across the table and rested his large hands on Kuzco's shoulders. "Hey. Stop it," he admonished. "Okay?"

Kuzco looked down. "I'm serious," Pacha said. "It'll be okay. I won't let you end up alone."

"Whatever you say," Kuzco said, looking down.

"Okay." Pacha gave Kuzco's shoulders a gentle squeeze. "I'll be seeing you," Pacha said, standing up. "You know you're welcome up at the hill anytime."

Kuzco nodded.

"Good night," Pacha said, almost saying 'Good night kids,' out of habit. With a last smile, he turned to go. It was only after his back was turned that he heard Kuzco mutter, "Thanks."

There must be a trick to it, Kuzco thought as he drifted off. Pacha had said it took 'time' to make friends. But the two of them had become friends almost overnight. And now that Pacha was his friend, Kuzco wondered how he had lived his entire life without one before. No matter what Kuzco said, Pacha only seemed to care about what Kuzco did. Pacha gave Kuzco warm smiles, and affectionate touches, and friendly advice, and bone-crushing hugs whenever Kuzco came to visit Chicha and the kids.

It felt good.

But barring another life-altering adventure through the jungle, he was stuck. Stuck at the palace with no one to talk to, no one who cared about him, and trying to choose a wife from seven random girls, not one of whom smiled at him the way Chicha smiled at Pacha.

If only he wasn't Emperor, he thought. That was the problem. Pacha didn't treat him like the Emperor. He had 'made friends' with Pacha as a llama, not as a king. No guards, no crown, just him and his big mouth–

Wait. Wait a second.

What if–

No… it would never…

But what if–

Yes! Yes, it could work!

When Kuzco explained his plan to Hualpa, the servant looked as though Kuzco had just given birth to a llama. When Kuzco finished giving Hualpa a tour of Yzma's "Secret Lab," Hualpa looked as though the llama had whipped out a top hat and cane and started tap dancing.

"After Yzma left, I came down here and labeled all of them. See?" Kuzco said, showing Hualpa the vials. "No way am I turning into a llama-turtle-bird-whale again."

"Your highness," said Hualpa, with feigned calm. "There must be someone else you trust to help you with this endeavor…"

"Are you going to kill me and usurp power in a crazy evil coup?"

"No…"

"Then I trust you! Now. Here's the human potion." Kuzco tossed it to Hualpa, who almost dropped it twice, and finally clutched it to his chest. "I'll make my rounds and come find you later. No one will even know I'm gone," Kuzco said.

"Yes your highness."

"You know, if we're going to be friends, you should start calling me Kuzco. What do you say?"

"Yes Emperor Kuzco."

"…Yeah okay, we'll work on that. Bottoms up!" Kuzco downed the potion.

The next thing he knew, Hualpa was looking down at him in shock. Kuzco held up his hands – now paws – and reached up to feel his ears and whiskers. "Hah! Boom baby!" he yelled, spinning around on one leg. "Check this out! I'm an adorable, irresistible furry ball of cuteness! This might just be the best idea I've ever had."

Hualpa sat down, hard.

"All right," Kuzco said, easily leaping up onto the table, eye level with Hualpa. "So the story is that I'm still kicking back at my vacation home for some much deserved R&R."

"What if something goes wrong?" Hualpa asked.

"Wrong? Please. Nothing will go wrong," Kuzco said, and turned to go. "But in case it does, get Pacha."

"Who, the village leader?"

"Yeah. He'll know what to do. Time's a-wasting my man – wish me luck!"

Kuzco scampered across the room, out the door, and down the hall to the guest rooms.

Kuzco crept forward along the wall, towards a servant who was awkwardly knocking on one of the doors while balancing a breakfast tray on one hand. At just the right moment, he darted in past the servant's unsuspecting legs and leapt onto a windowsill.

"Serving Girl!" Potential Bride #1 snapped. Her name was Moaca, Kuzco remembered. She was the one who had agreed with everything he said. "I said I wanted wheat toast."

"I'm terribly sorry my lady," the servant – Nachi – said, bowing low next to the offending breakfast tray.

"Take it back," Moaca ordered. When Nachi made to take the toast and leave the omelette, Moaca scoffed. "Don't leave that. It'll get cold and nasty if you leave it out. Make another one and do it right this time."

"Yes my lady. Right away my lady." Nachi scurried out of the room with the tray. Kuzco watched her go with a mix of pity and amusement.

Moaca slipped on her bathrobe over her nightdress and yawned before finally noticing the cat on the windowsill.

"Hello kitty," she said, reaching out to scratch Kuzco behind the ears. Kuzco felt his eyes close in bliss. Focus! he thought to himself.

There was a knock at the door.

"Come in," Moaca called. The doorknob twisted open and Yupa slipped in.

"So?" Moaca asked her.

"They say he's gone to stay at his vacation home," Yupa said. "Hopefully making a decision."

"I suppose it's out of our hands now," Moaca said, checking her fingernails.

"I suppose," Yupa said. "Whose cat is this?"

"Oh, I don't know honey, he just wandered in." Moaca rubbed Kuzco's belly, causing Kuzco's leg to twitch.

"The Emperor will probably pick someone like Huachi," Yupa said, sitting down on Moaca's bed. "A bimbo with nothing to say. Boys are all like that."

"Please, hon. Just because you babbled and lost your chance doesn't mean the rest of us didn't know what to say."

"Oh?" Yupa inquired with a blank smile, the perfect model of genteel politeness. "And how did you approach him?"

Moaca sighed. "I just agreed with his asinine comments and laughed at all his stupid little jokes," she said. Kuzco stopped purring. He stared up at the girl through narrowed eyes. She continued to stroke him, unconcerned.

"And you don't think he saw right through that?" Yupa inquired sweetly.

"Some of us aren't so completely transparent," Moaca said, examining her reflection in the mirror. "You really think he doesn't know all about your grandfather's career? Or the fact that you're trying to get all your brothers posts in the royal army?"

Yupa's eyes hardened. "At least I care about someone other than myself. And my morning toast."

"Sticks and stones honey," Moaca replied. "You know the way out, don't you?"

As Yupa stalked to the door, Kuzco leapt down to the floor and ran ahead of her. Yupa slammed the door shut and made an obscene gesture at Moaca through the wall.

Ordinarily, Kuzco would have laughed at the put-out look at Yupa's face. But he was in no mood after that little display. Asinine little jokes? Didn't she know he could have her thrown off a cliff? Imprisoned for life? Banished from the Empire forever?!

He should have known something was wrong with her. She had been so nice to him. No one was that nice.

Kicking himself, he padded along the hallway until he reached a door that was slightly ajar. He heard laughter from inside. Reaching up with one paw, he pulled the door open and trotted in.

hree of the girls were sitting on the bed in the middle of the room – Chipa, the one who had talked non-stop about her hair, Wanti, the one who had only replied 'Yes' and 'No,' and Wayna, the one who still held the 'great personality' comment against him.

"Aww, look, a cat!" Wayna exclaimed. Kuzco eagerly leapt up on the bed and rolled on his back so the girls could rub his belly.

"I wonder if it belongs to the Emperor," Wanti said, rubbing Kuzco's cheeks with her fingers. "Don't you think the cat kind of looks like him?"

"Huh, you're right," Wayna said. "But this guy's a big sweetie – Aren't you? Aren't you, you little cutie? Yes you are!"

"Wayna, you have to let that go," Chipa said. "He apologized to all of us for before."

"Please, that apology was as fake as his dumb personality," Wayna said. Kuzco fought to keep his claws in. "It was obvious he didn't mean it."

"Yeah. Like I totally meant it when I told him I loved line-dancing and disco music," Wanti said, rolling her eyes. "We all do what we have to do."

"He'll probably just let his advisors pick his bride," Chipa said. "I can hope. Then maybe it won't count against me that I lost it and started babbling about my shampoo."

The girls sat in thought.

"At least he's kind of cute," Wanti said.

"Eww! No, no," Chipa insisted. "I've seen llamas is cuter than him."

The rest of the girls laughed.

"'Hate your hair,'" Wayna mimicked with a grin.

"'Yikes, yikes, and yikes,'" Chipa chortled.

"I bet your llama has a greeeat personality…" Wanti said, and they all burst out laughing. Kuzco hopped to the floor and trotted out the door, tail firmly between his legs. The girls' laugher echoed down the hall after him.

He retreated under a table and tried to take deep breaths. It was hard when his lungs were so small.

After a long while, he dragged himself from his hiding spot. He heard two voices coming from behind the last door on the hallway. For a moment, he wondered if he could really stand it, listening in again.

Knowing was better than not knowing, he tried to convince himself.

With a raised paw, he scratched at the door until he heard footsteps approach. One of the girls – Ticha, her name was – stared down at him.

"Meow?" he asked.

"Aww, how cute!" Ticha said. "Come here kitty." Kuzco stood up on his hind legs and allowed her to pick him up in her warm arms. She carried him to the bed where the last girl, Huachi, was lying face down, sniffling.

"Whose cat do you think it is?" Ticha asked, scratching him behind his ears.

Huachi did not answer. Her face was covered in tears. She tentatively reached out to give Kuzco a pet along his spine.

"Don't worry sweetie, he probably won't pick you," Ticha said, dropping him on the bed. Kuzco lay down in front of Huachi and rolled over onto his back.

"I don't know what I'll do if he does," Huachi said with a sniff, rubbing Kuzco's belly.

"Maybe we should have a Plan B. Just in case Plan A doesn't work." Dimly, Kuzco remembered that these were the two girls who had just stared dumbly at him during their interviews. Had that been their 'Plan A?'

"Maybe Plan B should be to act crazy," Ticha continued. "That's how my aunt got out of marrying the senior magistrate."

"Act crazy? What do you mean?"

"You know…" Ticha got out of bed and bowed low to Kuzco and Huachi. "Hello your highness. It is a pleasure to see you again–BARK BARK BARK!"

Kuzco was under the bed before he realized what had happened.

"Oh, Ticha, you scared him," Huachi said through tears of laughter. "Here kitty, come on out… oh, Ticha, that was so funny…"

"It was supposed to be scary. At least I scared the cat."

"I have an idea!" Huachi said, sitting up. "Maybe if we were just really boring. Like, reciting old poetry and talking about the weather."

"Uh, maybe," Ticha said, looking down.

There was an awkward pause.

"I'm just not ready to get married," Huachi whispered. "I don't want to leave home."

"I didn't want to leave home when I was your age either," Ticha said. "You know, the Emperor's pretty young also. Maybe you could try to just telling the truth. Just be honest with him." Kuzco found himself nodding before he remembered that cats did not nod.

"I don't know…" Huachi said.

"I mean, he does seem kind of self-centered. But at least he's honest about it. And I'm sure he gets people sucking up to him all the time. Maybe he'd appreciate the honesty."

"Or maybe he'd get mad at me and imprison me for life," Huachi muttered.

"Huh. I didn't think of that. Maybe you should go with the barking plan."

Huachi chuckled. "Maybe."

Suddenly, Kuzco felt himself being lifted off his feet and draped over Ticha's shoulder. "Come on kitty. You can help me pack," Ticha asked him, rubbing down his spine.

"What are you packing for?" Huachi asked.

"I already decided I was going home today," Ticha said. "I only live a day's walk away. I don't need to wait around here for him to make up his mind – I can just as easily wait at home."

"What if he picks you, but then finds out you left?"

"If he waited this long to decide who to marry, he can wait another day."

Ticha carried Kuzco back to her room and deposited him on her bed in a basket of folded clothes. "Now, where was I?" she asked herself. She sat on the bed and began sorting through a box of jewelry, untangling the necklaces from each other.

Kuzco peered up at her face. Without any makeup on, she looked less like a pod person. She had a full, heart-shaped face with pointed eyebrows and soft lips. She locked eyes with Kuzco and smiled. Her eyes were warm and intelligent. His stomach flip-flopped.

"You're cuter than your master, that's for sure," Ticha said, stroking Kuzco's back. "He's attractive and all, he's just not my type. He's just so… silly. You know? I really prefer them strong and silent… a bit more meat on the bone, you know what I mean?" She smiled again. "It is what it is."

She closed the jewelry box and wrapped a piece of twine around it, sealing it shut.

"Huachi is so young," Ticha muttered. "I happen to like learning about the weather and poetry. I practically know every line to Apu Ollantay. But maybe the Emperor would find it boring enough to refuse me." She smiled. "Let's experiment. 'In spite of all I swear to love / My heart is as a lamb with her. / That lovely star, that tender dove; / I shall not yield nor shall defer.'"

Kuzco remembered seeing that play. He hadn't really been paying attention. He was paying attention now.

"I've only seen it so many times because it's one of Qolla's favorites," Ticha said. "But it does help in showing people I'm well-educated."

Kuzco put his head down on the bed and closed his eyes as she started to recite again. He imagined, just for a moment, being married to her. He would be laying half-asleep on the bed, like this, as she puttered around and put things away. He would always tell her, 'Hon, let the servants do it,' but she would like to do things for herself, and it was one of the things he would love about her. After she would run out of things to do, she would crawl into bed with him and they would be warm and together and never alone again…

Kuzco woke to Ticha scratching his belly.

"Wow kitty, you slept the whole way home," Ticha said.

Kuzco's eyes snapped open.

He was still sleeping in the same clothes basket. But the bed was different. The woolen blanket was courser than the sheets at the palace. The room was smaller, but lived-in, with personal knick-knacks strewn about.

"It must have been the way the palanquin was rocking," Ticha said. "I've never seen a cat just conk out like that. Anyway… I'm been thinking I should call you 'Kuti.' What do you think?" Ticha asked.

"I think you're cute too."

Ticha shrieked and fell backwards off the bed.

"Ticha?" someone called from outside.

"Oh no… oh no… oh no… stay out! Stay out of here!" Ticha yelled at the person outside, scrambling backwards. "The cat is possessed!"

"What?!" the person yelled. The door latch started to rattle.

"I'm not possessed," Kuzco said.

"Well, cats aren't supposed to talk! I would know if cats talked, and they don't!"

"Ticha, who's in there with you?" the voice called through the door.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm not a cat, I'm the Emperor. I turned into a cat to spy on you. I didn't mean to fall asleep. It's not my fault your poem was so soothing."

"You – how – what–" Ticha blinked as she took in his red fur coat and black mane, which looked suspiciously like shoulder-length black hair.

Someone pounded on the door. "Ticha! What's going on?!"

Ticha glared down at Kuzco before turning to unlatch the lock. A younger woman barged in. She was several inches shorter than Ticha, but otherwise looked almost exactly the same. "Ticha, what happened?" she demanded.

"Our new cat is the Emperor."

"What?!"

"Hi there," Kuzco said.

The young woman screamed and jumped back to hide behind Ticha.

"Look, I'm sorry for the inconvenience," Kuzco tried again. "But I'd really appreciate it if you sent word for the palanquin that brought you here, so they could take me back to the palace."

"Why is the Emperor a cat?" the young woman asked, completely ignoring Kuzco's request.

"He was spying on us, apparently," said Ticha.

"The Emperor can turn into animals?" the woman asked. "That's so cool!" She turned to Kuzco. "Does this mean you're going to marry my sister?"

"No," Kuzco and Ticha answered at the same time.

"Look," Kuzco said. "I have to get back to the palace, so I can drink the potion to turn back–"

"I'll take him!" Ticha's sister cut in.

"Qolla, no," Ticha said. "He still has a lot of questions to answer."

"Uh, I have a question to ask you," Kuzco said. "Why did you kidnap a random cat and take it home with you? Huh? Huh?"

"I asked the servants!" Ticha exclaimed. "None of them had ever seen you before – I assumed you were a stray! Why did you spyon us?!"

"Hey, I know it was a stupid thing to do. But I had to find out what you all were really like and no one was telling me the truth!"

"Maybe if you didn't throw people out of windows who disagreed with you, people would be more honest!" Ticha said.

"I haven't thrown anyone out of a window in over a month," Kuzco scoffed. "And look, I'm not even going to punish any of you for saying mean things about me! So there."

"I didn't say anything mean about you!"

"Not you, the others. Moaca… and Chipa, and Wayna and Wanti…"

"I don't blame them," Ticha said. "We're dragged up to the palace once, put up for display like we're on auction, shunted away, dragged up a second time… What did you expect?"

"Hey, at least I tried this time," Kuzco said. "I tried to get to know you. But that didn't work. So I tried something else. It's called adjusting."

"Yeah, but why did you decide to turn into a cat?" Ticha demanded.

"Duh! Because everybody loves cats!"

"And what, everyone hates you?"

Kuzco tilted his head. "Well, when you say it like that, it sounds super-depressing."

Both girls stared at him.

"That's kind of sad," Qolla pointed out.

"So are you going to take me back to the palace or what?" Kuzco demanded.

Ticha sighed and rubbed her eyes. "I can't believe I'm doing this," she said. "I can take you as far as the village outskirts. But no further."

"I'll come to supervise," Qolla offered.

"No, Qolla. I need you to head off mom," Ticha said.

Qolla gave a dramatic sigh. "I never get to do anything fun."

"This isn't going to be fun," Ticha said. "This is a pain in the neck."

"Hey. You're the one who kidnapped me, remember?" Kuzco said, hopping down off the bed.

"You could've stopped me from rubbing your belly!" Ticha snapped. "Ugh, I need to wash my hands about fifty seven thousand times."

Qolla headed out Ticha's room and down the hallway. Ticha and Kuzco tiptoed the other way, down a side staircase. When they reached the bottom, Ticha remained out of sight and motioned for Kuzco to wait.

"Mom!" Qolla said, emerging from the main staircase into the living area where a middle-aged woman sat weaving a poncho from bright red and white thread. "Ticha brought a cat home!"

"What?!" the woman exclaimed. "She knows she's not allowed."

"Come see," Qolla said. The woman set her weaving down and followed Qolla up the staircase. Ticha and Kuzco slipped through the living room and out the door.

"Sneaky," Kuzco nodded approvingly. "Why do I get the feeling you've done this before?"

"You'd think mom would catch on eventually," Ticha said. "But she never does."

Ticha lived in a two story stone house at the end of a courtyard decorated with slate rock pathways and flowering plants. Kuzco hopped from one stone to the next as they crossed the yard. It was afternoon, and the street was moderately busy with messengers running errands and peasants herding llamas one way or the other. No one noticed the girl walking alongside a cat down the main road.

"Remind me what your family does again?" Kuzco asked.

"They're scholars."

"Ah."

After a moment, Ticha continued. "Dad studies meteorology."

"So… the weather."

"Yeah. The weather. Mom is studying poetry."

"Oh. Good," Kuzco said, and inwardly winced. You sound like a bigger idiot than Kronk.

"Your mother appointed my parents to their posts at the university," Ticha said.

"She did?"

"Yeah. Twenty-four years ago, two years before I was born."

"Oh."

"You didn't know that? Their friendship is probably why the matchmaker picked me for the lineup."

"No, I uh… guess I didn't."

They walked in silence for a few minutes.

"What was wrong with Huachi?" Kuzco asked.

"Who?" Ticha asked.

"The girl with water spurting from her eyes?"

"Oh, right. Huachi is… I think she's just going through some rough times. Apparently her father died recently and now she feels obligated to move out so her mother doesn't have to provide for her. But she's not really ready – she's only sixteen. So she's upset."

Kuzco thought for a moment what Chica and her children would do if Pacha died. "That's awful," he said.

"Yeah. So she's hoping if you pick her, she could convince you to let her live at home for a few years."

"I won't pick her. You were right, what you said."

"Which time?"

"About her being honest with me. I mean… if a girl had a sob story like that… no one's that heartless."

"So if not me, and not her… who are you going to pick?"

Kuzco sighed. "Maybe I'll just marry all of you, and send you all away. That'll make everyone happy. All your parents will be thrilled, the matchmaker will be thrilled, my advisors will be thrilled. And none of us will have to actually be around each other."

"Why do you need to get married now anyway?" Ticha asked. "You don't sound like you want to."

"Well, I did want to," Kuzco said. "I figured…" He trailed off.

"What?" Ticha asked.

"Nothing."

"Oh come on..."

"Oh come on yourself."

"Fine," Ticha snapped, and they walked in silence for another few minutes. Kuzco risked a glance at her and saw her considering him thoughtfully.

"What?" he asked.

"What if I carried you the rest of the way?"

"Whoa, really?"

"Hop on up."

Kuzco bounded off a nearby stone wall into Ticha's arms. She draped him over her shoulders.

"Aaah," Kuzco said, letting his head rest on Ticha's collarbone. "Now is this so bad?"

"Feels like a little fuzzy neck warmer," Ticha remarked.

"I've been called worse."

Ticha laughed, causing Kuzco's head to perk up. "You thought that was funny?" he asked. "You think I'm funny?!"

"Don't push your luck your highness," said Ticha.

Kuzco settled back down. "Okay. Okay, about the marriage thing. It's just that… My whole life, I've had servants, and I've had peasants to rule over, and that was about it, right? But then I made a friend about a month ago and… it's nice. Really nice."

Ticha waited for him to continue.

"He and his wife are great. They're best friends too. So I figured if I got married…"

"You'd have another friend," Ticha realized.

"Right. I don't have to get married for women to – uh… nevermind. Forget I said anything. I want to keep this PG. The point is I don't want to just pick one that's pretty or has great hair. I want one who… you know… likes me. And stuff."

"That's… really sweet."

"Sweet?"

"Yeah. You know what? Girls really like it when you say stuff like that. Show your emotions a bit."

"I thought you prefer strong and silent types with meat on the bone."

Ticha dug her fingers into Kuzco's tail.

"Ow… ow… ow!"

"Girls also like their privacy," Ticha said.

"I'm really sorry, okay? I didn't really see another way."

"I'm getting that," Ticha said.

"When I made my other friend, I was a llama."

"Wait – what?"

He told her the story as they walked out of town. "Wow," Ticha said, shaking her head in disbelief. "Your life is a lot weirder than I thought it was."

"My life got exponentially weirder when Yzma decided to kill me."

"Oh hey, there's Manca!" Ticha pointed to a llama herder kneeling in the dirt by the side of the road, trimming her llama's toenails. The peasant girl wore a simple peasant smock, had long hair in a single brown down her back, and a seemingly permanent frown as she bent over her llama's back feet.

"Hi Manca," Ticha said, approaching her.

Manca looked up, blowing her bangs out of her eyes. "Hey Ticha," she said. "What's going on?"

"I have a favor to ask," Ticha said. "This talking cat accidently came back from the palace with me this morning, and he needs to get back to the city."

Manca considered the cat as Ticha lowered him to the ground.

"Did you say talking cat?" Manca asked.

"Yes," Kuzco and Ticha both said. Manca looked from one to the other, then shrugged. "All right. I'll be a minute here."

"Take your time," Ticha said. Kuzco and Ticha settled on the nearby stone wall while Manca put the llama's hoof down and moved onto the other leg. "Foot," she said to the llama. "Foot." The llama deigned to place his back hoof in her hand. "Good boy," she said.

"This girl seems suspiciously okay with talking cats," Kuzco whispered.

"She told me once that all animals can talk in some way or another," Ticha whispered back. "She's a character. But her bark is worse than her bite. Don't let her bully you."

"Hey. Would I let anyone boss me around?"

"Maybe if they offered to rub your belly," Ticha teased.

"Funny."

Ticha smiled down at him. "It was nice getting to know you," she said. "I'm sorry I didn't actually talk to you during the interview thing."

"Well… the barking dog thing might have just made you more attractive, who knows."

Ticha laughed.

"Thanks," Kuzco said. "For you know… bringing me out here."

Ticha shook her head. "It was nothing."

Kuzco swallowed. Okay Kuzco. Just say it. You're the king of the world. You have nothing to be afraid of, he thought. "Listen. Ticha. Um…" he began. "Do you – I mean… I really sort of liked chatting with you and I know the whole marriage thing isn't going to happen but…"'Can I come visit you sometime.' "Do you think when I'm in the neighborhood… do you think I might…" 'Can I come visit you sometime.' "And of course if you're ever in the city you're welcome to… um… that is–"

"Stop!" Ticha laughed. "Just stop. Of course I'll visit you. And I'd be happy to have you over anytime. My mother would be even happier."

"You two lovebirds about done?" Manca asked.

"Oh sure," Ticha said, standing up and dusting off her skirts. "Thanks again Manca." Ticha scooped Kuzco up and deposited him on the llama's back.

"Yeah, thanks Manca," Kuzco added, struggling to find his footing.

Manca grunted and yanked on the llama's lead.

"Bye Ticha!" Kuzco called as the llama train began to move. "Don't be a stranger! Drop me a line!"

"See you soon!" Ticha called, waving good bye.

Kuzco watched her until they rounded a corner. Ticha gave him a big smile from as she faded from view. If he hadn't been so worried about falling off the llama, he would have danced for joy.

"Aww," Manca said. "I think I'm gonna cry."

"Wouldn't have pegged you as such a delicate little daisy," Kuzco replied. Manca turned to glare at him. Kuzco raised his eyebrows.

Finally, after a tense moment, Manca's glare turned into a smirk. She turned back to the road without another word.

"So," Kuzco said. "Are we there yet?"

"I'm sorry," Hualpa told Pacha. "I'm really, really, really sorry! The Emperor said I should get you but I know you must be busy and I didn't want to bother you but–"

"It's okay… just calm down. We'll figure this out together. Now, where did you last see him?"

"He was going up to the guest rooms," Hualpa said.

"Okay. We'll start there. Don't worry, we'll find him." As Hualpa seemed to calm down, Pacha could feel his own worry growing. He should have known Kuzco was planning something crazy. He should have stayed with him longer that night… should have talked to him…

When they arrived at the guest rooms, there was a servant coming down the steps.

"Nachi," Hualpa said, hurrying forward. "Did you see a red and black cat around here?"

"Yeah, this morning," Nachi said. "One of the girls took it home when she left."

"She what?!" Hualpa gulped.

"She asked if it belonged to anyone. I had never seen it before, so I told her it was a stray. Did I make a mistake?"

"No, no, you didn't do anything wrong," Pacha assured her as Hualpa gnawed on his nails. "Which lady was it?"

"Ticha. The scholars' daughter."

"She lives to the South," Hualpa said, perking up. "Close by. Closer than any of the others. Her village is only a few hours' walk." He let out a long sigh of relief.

Pacha did not voice his own fears. Did not say aloud that during Kuzco's last stint as an animal, he had almost died several times, and it was only thanks to Pacha and Kronk's pity that he was alive. Pacha and Hualpa hurried to the South entrance, where they could see Ticha's village.

"See?" Hualpa pointed from where they stood on the Southern courtyard. The village was closer to the palace than Pacha's village was to the West. "It's not that far at all."

"Yeah, but it's going to be dark soon," Pacha said. "We shouldn't start searching at night."

"You're probably right. This was so stupid," Hualpa said, fisting his hair. "I should have done something…" He sighed. "But then again, what was I supposed to do, tell him 'No?'"

Pacha frowned. "I do all the time."

Hualpa stared up at him. "Really?"

"Oh yeah. It's how we became friends."

Hualpa considered Pacha's words. "You don't work for him, though."

"That's true," Pacha acknowledged.

"You know he had a guy thrown out a window once?"

"Oh yeah, I saw that."

Hualpa sighed and rubbed his temples. He opened his mouth to speak, but suddenly, stood up straighter. He had heard a familiar laugh.

"Do you–"

"Yup."

They watched as a llama herder and a flock of llamas came around a bend in the path up to the palace. Kuzco the cat was trotting along at the herder's feet. In the next moment, he said something that caused the herder to burst out laughing.

"Thank you sweet merciful Inti," Hualpa breathed.

Good job Kuzco, Pacha thought.

"–more than one way to skin a cat," the herder, a peasant girl, said as they came into hearing range.

"Hey, there you go with those implications again," Kuzco said, and the girl laughed.

Kuzco's ears flicked up when he saw Pacha and Hualpa. "Hey hey hey! If it isn't my main village man and my new bestest buddy! What, were you looking for me? I had everything under control."

"We're just glad you're okay," Pacha said.

"I'm the Emperor – I'm always okay."

"He almost died twice on the way back here," the girl pointed out.

"Ix-nay on the eth-day," Kuzco muttered. "By the way, Manca, this is Pacha and Hualpa, Pacha and Hualpla, this is Manca."

"I saved his life twice," Manca said by way of introduction.

"I saved his life at least three times," Pacha said.

"Hey hey, less talkey more changey. Hualpa, you got the goods?"

"Yes your highness." He kneeled down and handed Kuzco the vial.

Manca watched with fascination as Kuzco transformed into a human. "Ha! I'm me again!" Kuzco yelled in celebration. "Boom baby!"

"Wow. I gotta get me some of that," Manca said.

Kuzco spun around. "Manca," he said, taking one of her hands in his. "How can I ever repay you for saying my life?"

"I'll think of something devious," Manca said.

"Hey baby, remember my powers are limited."

"You? Mr. King of the World? Mr. 'Quintessence of Perfection That Is He?'"

"You know what they say about people who always need the last word?" Kuzco asked.

"I don't know. I never let them say it," Manca said, and Manca and Kuzco both burst out laughing. Hualpa glanced at Pacha, raising and eyebrow.

"All right Kuzco. Take care," Manca said, turning to go.

"Hey, don't be a stranger, all right?"

"You come visit me sometime! I'll teach you how to trim Liko's toenails!"

"Yeah, all right, I'll see you on the flipside of never!"

"I know where you live!"

"Bye!"

"Bye!"

Manca waved and disappeared around the corner with Liko the Llama. Without missing a beat, Kuzco whirled around to face Pacha and Hualpa. "So," he said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, the usual," Pacha said. "Chicha's doing fine, Chaca learned a new equation at school… oh, and Kuzco turned into something small and furry. Just another day."

"Hey," Kuzco said. "I'll have you know I spied on all my potential future brides and made two new friends. Three if you count Hualpa. Speaking of," Kuzco said, turning to his servant. "When was the last time you saw your family?"

"Um… several months ago your highness."

"Take a vacation," Kuzco said.

"Yes your high – I mean… Kuzco."

Kuzco could not quell a brief, delighted smile. "Get going and get gone, my buddy."

Hualpa bowed and left.

"That was nice of you," Pacha said.

"Hmm? Oh yeah. Yeah. It's the new me. Changed man and so forth."

"Yeah. Yeah I see that."

Kuzco was still watching the corner where Manca had disappeared.

"So," Pacha said, already knowing the answer to the question he was about to ask. "Have you decided who you're going to marry?"

"Nope," Kuzco said cheerfully. "But I can tell you right now I'm not going to marry any of those girls my advisors picked. None of the like me. Except for Ticha, but only as a friend. Pacha!" Kuzco said excitedly. "I made a friend! On purpose!"

"It looks like you made two," Pacha said. "Manca?"

"Oh, Manca's great. She's funny, and she thinks I'm funny… Ha! She can be my friend too! Pacha," Kuzco grabbed Pacha's hands. "I like people! I like meeting new people! I just never knew how much fun it was! Or how easy it was!"

Pacha suddenly reminded of Tipo tugging at his hands, saying 'Dad, watch me do a hand stand! Dad, look!'

"I'm glad for you," Pacha said, squeezing Kuzco's hands. "I really am. But listen… don't forget about your old friends, okay? Especially with all the new ones you're gone to make."

Kuzco was about to say something clever. Pacha could tell. Maybe something like, 'There's more than enough Kuzco to go around!' But Kuzco seemed to stop himself. "I won't," he said with a nod.

"Good. Well… okay," Pacha said, and before he could say or do anything else, Kuzco had jumped forward into a hug. Pacha wrapped his arms around Kuzco and squeezed him to his chest, easily lifting the younger man off his feet. They stood there for a long moment before Pacha lowered Kuzco to the ground and dropped a quick kiss on the top of Kuzco's head.

"Hey hey hey, no touchey," Kuzco said, pulling away.

"Right. Forgot."

"So." Kuzco coughed. "Dinner? Or do you have to be–"

"No, I can stay," Pacha said. "What's it going to be, seafood?"

"Oh yeah, Tuesday's usually fish tacos."

They walked up the stairs to the palace together.

A/N: I conceived of this as one of three chapters following Kuzco and Pacha's friendship throughout their lives. I haven't written the other two chapters yet but I have a general idea of what I want to happen. Now we'll just see how long it takes me to write it.

Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!