Title: The Hazards of Freezers

Pairing: Josef/Mick

Rating: R

Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Summary: Josef and Mick attempt to have sex in Mick's single vamp freezer, things do not go according to plan.

Notes: This was thrown together in less than an hour in response to a 'logistics of freezer sex' discussion on a fan blog. So totally not meant to be taken seriously in any way at all.

Josef struggles with an itch on his leg that he can't quiet reach, and for what feels like the umpteenth time since they started he wonders why Mick can't be like any other self-respecting Vampire and buy himself a decent freezer. Not Mr Frugal, Not Mr I have a wardrobe full of Henley shirts and maybe three decent suits at a push, no of course not, that would involve doing things like accepting you've been around long enough to amass a decent nest egg. He feels Mick's feet in his face then, Mick is perched on top, his legs outstretched, and the only reason Josef is putting up with this writhing mess of wayward toes is the fact that he also happens to be buried balls deep in Mick's arse.

At some point this evening Josef's hoping to have the usual mind bending, toe curling, fangs descended and pricking into muscular flesh type orgasm they eventually get round to, if only he can just take care of that maddening itch, and goddamn it can you get those feet out of my damn face. He doesn't say that out loud though, not when Mick's concentration is honed so tightly on maintaining just the right amount of movement – too slow and Josef will be tempted to start doing bad renditions of Barry White tunes, too fast and they're both likely to end arse up on the floor as the freezer slides of its bearings.

A decent base, just one decent base, something that actually held up to some punishment, was that too much to ask for?

Josef tries to adjust their position then. Sitting up he hooks Mick's legs over his shoulders only to watch as the momentum sends Mick careening backwards, the back of his head cracking hard enough against the bottom of the freezer to send the sound reverberating around the room.

At this point Josef's had enough. This is ridiculous, farcical even. And whose bright idea had it been to fuck in the freezer anyway.

"You know there's a perfectly good couch downstairs, or the kitchen bench, or at this point I'd quite possibly take the floor," Josef complains bitterly as he reaches for Mick and helps him to sit up. "It's got to be better than you nearly smashing the back of your skull open when I make a minor adjustment in our position."

"Minor adjustment?" Mick retorts with that side eye look he reserves for those extra special occasions when it feels like Josef's cynicism is about to take full flight. "You could have warned me you were going to just sit bolt upright like that, we're in a freezer you know, freezer as in ice –

"- Freezer as in completely inappropriate place to have sex," Josef interjects, and the mood is rapidly waning then. "Just tell me why we can't go downstairs and fuck where any two normal people would fuck."

"What if someone comes in?"

"Who's going to come in, Mick? I'm the only one who has a spare key, unless you've started handing out copies with your business card."

"No, but I do happen to be a private detective" Mick huffs and purses his lips at Josef's lack of understanding. "Do you have any idea how many people I've tracked down who would jump at a chance to break into this place."

Somehow Josef manages to look both amazed and perturbed at Mick's response. "You're expecting a surprise burglary during sex?"

"Well they're not exactly going to ring the doorbell and announce their presence now are they?" Mick's hands are on his hips then and the look on his face tells Josef this is one argument he's not going to win.

'Well if you're that keen on tight and uncomfortable spaces I have a house filled with closets we could fuck in," Josef raises his hands in a gesture of placation then. "Okay fine, we'll stay up here away from the burglars I'm sure are just lined up around the block waiting to catch you going at it with your best friend."

He still can't resist getting at least one barb in, and Mick is rapidly losing patience along with his erection.

"You're the one that goes on about torch bearing mobs, and the need for paranoia in the modern age, Josef. What's the big deal if I happen to choose to fuck in the most secure part of my apartment?"

"But the freezer? It barely holds your weight, let alone the both of us, not to mention I have an itch that I can't scratch, and for fucks sake can we please just fuck on the floor." Josef throws up his hands in sheer frustration and Mick is climbing out of the freezer then, muttering "Fine" under his breath as he attempts to perform a move any gymnast would be proud, and that's when the whole thing comes crashing down.

"Great, oh this is just bloody marvellous. I've gone from being pinned under you, to be being pinned under two tonnes of ice and metal," Josef strains against the weight on top of him as he curses Mick's fancy arsed move, and asks what the hell he was thinking.

"I didn't want to squash you anymore than I already had," Mick replies, as if performing a cartwheeling hand stand out of a freezer that would probably fall over if you looked at it the wrong way was a perfectly logical and well thought out idea.

And that's when Josef breaks down laughing at the sheer stupidity of it all. He's still trying to push the weight of the freezer of his chest, but the laughter is sapping the strength in his arms, and Mick isn't helping as he lies alongside spluttering with his own amusement.

"Come on, this isn't funny," Josef manages finally, which only sends Mick into further fits of guffawing, and somehow amidst the body shakes and the belly aching chuckles they manage to lift the weight of the freezer of their bodies and slide out from underneath its grasp.

Mick gets to his feet, bent over double, still laughing his head off at the entire events of the evening. They were doomed from the start, and Josef was right, the freezer had been a stupid idea.

"My freezer…" Mick begins as he realises his daily necessity currently lies non-operational on its side.

Regaining his composure Josef waves a lackadaisical hand through the air and then shoves a pile of clothes into Mick's arms. "I'll buy you a new one. Get dressed."

"Why?" Mick crumples his brow in a question, "I thought we were just going to fuck on the floor?"

"Nope," Josef dangles a set of keys under Mick's nose as he pulls on his trousers, and quickly buttons the front of his shirt. "We're going back to my place."

"You know we could have just done that in the first place," Mick feels the need to point out then as he dodges an incoming smack to the side of his head.

"You know you're lucky I happen to think so highly of you, or else this evening would have been over well before now." Josef draws himself up to his full height and strides from the room with a click of his fingers and a follow me gesture. They have places to be, sex to have.

Mick grins as he falls into step behind him, resisting the urge to throw humorous pot shots. "Yeah that's me, I'm just a lucky guy all round."

Josef turns then, a half-cocked smile of his own at the ready.

"And don't you forget it."