"This is a terrible idea. He's just going to turn us into frogs or spiders – Natasha'd like that – or candy. Oh god. What if he turns us into candy, and then-"

"Stark, shut up," Natasha suggested.

The seven other "Avengers and Co." – comprised of the superhero team plus Pepper, Jane and Coulson (he insisted he was simply there to call Fury when Earth's Mightiest Heroes sparked trouble on Christmas Day) – shifted awkwardly outside the apartment door. The landing on which they stood was meant for, maybe, five regular-sized people and definitely didn't take into account the possibility for super soldiers or gods to occupy its space. As such, Thor and Jane had moved to the stairs leading up , and Pepper, Coulson and Clint had settled on the ascending staircase. Everyone seemed to be waiting for someone else to knock on the door or abort the mission so they could just get back to the tower. Whichever option was more likely was highly debatable.

"Alright. This is getting ridiculous," Steve sighed and raised his fist to rap twice on the wooden door as Clint muttered something along the lines of "getting?".

There was then a few quiet moments before soft footsteps too faint for anyone but the super soldier, spy and demi-god to hear padded over to the door. A quiet click of a lock, and Loki's door opened to reveal…not Loki.

A slender woman, dark hair pulled back into a ponytail, scowled at the motley crew in an unnervingly familiar glare. Although she was wearing a too-big t-shirt and loose pajama pants, the swell of breast and hip were apparent enough to have Tony gaping and Steve a burning scarlet.

"My apologies, miss, but we're looking for Loki Od-" Steve started, only to be cut off as Thor stepped forward.

"Brother! It has been many a year since I laid eyes on this form of yours," he greeted exuberantly, not in the slightest bit bothered by the green that sparked him when he tried to cross the threshold.

"Is Loki wearing an Avengers shirt?" Clint muttered sideways to Coulson.

Noting the cartoonified six on the baggy t-shirt as well, Pepper tried to stifle a laugh while closing Tony's mouth. Most the group seemed unbothered by Loki's new look, but Tony and Steve were still reeling. Coulson and Bruce hadn't know either, but neither gave much indication of surprise. Unsurprisingly, they'd done a better job of researching their sometimes-villain.

"What do you want, Thor?" Loki's voice, though certainly a woman's, carried all the venom of her more usual form.

"It is Christmastide – a Midgardian holiday tha-" Thor began before Loki held up a pale hand.

"I know of Christmas, oaf. What I as referring to was the reason for your mortals' encampment on my stoop," she snapped.

"We were hoping to help you celebrate, " Jane started tentatively.

"Point Break threw on those puppy dog eyes – I swear, he could get Fury to hand over the world with those – speaking of which, you could have totally taken over the world – for real, this time – if you just shimmied into this little number and sho-" Tony added.

"There are many things I would change were my plan to conquer Midgard, Stark. Throwing you from a window, I think, is not among them," Loki interrupted before turning to the rest with a sigh, "You may as well enter given your presence."

The door had been cracked open just wide enough for Loki's body to block any view of the apartment, but as she relented and opened it completely, they were all met with some measure of surprise. Wide open and sparse, it was not, as many had anticipated, suffocatingly green and black and villianish, nor was it pasted with images of Odin and fluff and random, semi-naked men (Tony may have suggested the last part in reference to himself, but most of them were dubious as to his qualifications). While green was present, the whole library-slash-lounge into which they walked was both minimalist and neat. Thor silently slumped at the absence of his brother's general messiness, though nearly tripping over an invisible stack of books caused his grin to return.

"Sit," Loki ordered coolly before vanishing into an adjoining room.

"Okay, 'fess up: who knew Loki moonlights as a Victoria's Secret Angel?" Tony hissed almost immediately.

After a few guilty glances, Clint, Natasha, Thor and Pepper raised reluctant hands. Tony gaped, appalled, and pressed a dramatic hand to his chest. Once again, Pepper nudged his jaw back into place.

"He – uh kind of switched a lot when he first arrived," Clint confessed, rubbing the back of his neck.

Aside from those with raised hands, no one else knew about Loki crashing into Clint after his painful stint back in Thanos' hands, and he'd been more than happy to keep it that way.

"She is my brother, Stark," Thor chided, "Of course I know of her shapeshifting. She is marvelously adept."

Clint flashed a quick, grateful glance at the thunder god, who returned it with a faint smile. Meanwhile, Bruce mentally winced at the gender confusion in Thor's words, but then again – how do you refer to your brother who was a woman?

"In fact, her abilities have saved us from many unpleasant situations," Thor chuckled fondly, "There was one time when-"

"Thor married a Frost Giant," Loki finished as she returned with two bottles of amber liquid in hand.

Thor's scarlet blush made it overly clear that this was not the story he had in mind, but they were more intrigued by this summary than his objections. Sliding sly eyes towards her flustered brother, Loki continued handing out tumblers and deliberately ignored Steve's polite refusal.

"If I'm to host the Avengers, then none of us are remaining sober," she muttered under her breath, before saying to the rest, "Didn't you know? He makes for quite the blushing bride."

"Please, tell me you saved the wedding album," Tony begged.

Steve, having given in an accepted a glass, leaned against the couch and shook his head slightly as Loki began weaving the tale. It was little wonder she was called Silvertongue, he mused; threads seemed to be pulled out of thin air to weave together the ridiculous story, pulling each member of the audience close until they could nearly reach out and touch Thor's necessary wedding veil. Not for the first time, he found himself wondering at the oddity his life had become. Two assassins, a secret agent, three genius scientists and a CEO sitting around to have a drink on Christmas while they listened to a fantastical and true story involving giants, magic hammers and shapeshifting – some part of his subconscious was still convinced he was dreaming and would wake up to his scrawny arms and asthma-tightened lungs.

"Steve? Cap, you okay?" Tony queried, nudging the captain with his leg.

Steve glanced up, taking in his misfit family. Even Loki with her occasional attempts at villainy was somehow a part of this illogical, incomprehensible family.

"Yeah," he replied after a moment, "I've never been happier."

AN: I really should apologize for this and all its crackiness, but it was a lot of fun to write. I really just wanted to do something with shapeshifter!Loki [because I love that part of him and hate how the movie totally skimmed over it], and then I had the idea of him wearing Avenger night clothes [thus the title] and just ran with it. I'll probably retitle it once I upload more scribbles from this headcanon.