Disclaimer: I do not the cartoon show Star Wars: The Clone Wars or anything affiliated with it.

Setting: The Resolute, about 6 months before the Citadel

Summary: An intense mission forces Jedi Padawan Ahsoka Tano and Captain Rex to face emotions they weren't ready to deal with; the resulting turnout after a passionate night is nothing less than disastrous to their relationship and their states' of mind.

*There is a prequel to this story: Catalyst, written by the lovely Jade_Max. While I would recommend reading it, you don't have to in order to understand this story.

Ahsoka knew she was out of it. Listless. Quiet. Lifeless. It was so different from how she usually acted that even in through the cotton walls she'd wrapped her mind in, Ahsoka could feel her troopers' concern. She had to act better, force herself to be who she had been. She failed, because even if she tried, there is no try. So the looks and rumors and hushed cafeteria conversations. She'd always gotten odd looks from the clones, especially the new troopers. After all, she was the General's snippy Padwan learner who considered rules more of guidelines than things she actually had to do.

This though, this was different and everyone knew it. It was-

Running into Fives in the hallways, not paying any attention to where she was going and failing to pick up on his presence in the Force. His concern visible in eyes so similar to someone else's that it hurt, hoping he didn't pick up on the tears in her eyes.

"Are you alright, sir?"

She was backed against the wall, its surface cool and hard against her back, honey brown eyes gone black drilling into her, and couldn't help her gasp at his hunger.

It was going through the food line in the mess and discovering when she got to the end of it that she didn't actually get anything. She stood there, staring at her gray tray, before shrugging and putting it back. She wasn't hungry anyways. When she turned, she bumped into quiet Echo, who saw and heard everything it seemed and flinched at the concern written in the line of his brow. Could Echo who had his finger on the pulse of life in the Resolute know? He opened his mouth to speak-

Her wrists pinned to the wall, hard, as his mouth descended on her's, the only sound in the room her shocked mewl-

"Are you alright, sir?"

She could only nod her head mutely and hope he thought the flush burning in her face was embarrassment at doing something as silly as picking up a tray and not eating anything. Jedi could not be attached, and her stomach threatened to revolt.

It was Anakin taking over as he always did when she gave the briefings, only this time she didn't protest. Or glare. Or even look at him. She stood silent, gazing absently into space as Jesse kept glancing at her, confusion and expectation on his face. Everyone except the new clones who didn't know her very well were waiting for her reaction, but Ahsoka was somewhere else.

Her hands ran over his armor, frantically looking for a clasp to get it off, desperate to feel his hot skin. Rough, callused hands found their way under her shirt, and her legs gave out.

She was brought back at Anakin's sharp- "Dismissed!"

Troopers began to move out to their assigned battle positions, and she avoided watching the departure of a certain clone with jaig markings. Ahsoka knew she had a lot to learn about battle, but even she knew that distraction could and would kill you.

"Sir?"

Jesse, always teasing about something, stared at her with worried tawny eyes, bucket in hand as the others moved out. "Are you alright?"

Ahsoka did her best to give him a wan smile and said something. She couldn't remember what.

It was sitting with her knees curled up to her chest on a practice mat in a corner of the sparring room, waiting for Skyguy to arrive.

One of the clones looked over at her curiously- Coric- and asked, "Are you alright, sir? Did you strain anything?"

Of, of course. She'd forgotten. Usually, she'd warm up first. But today…not today. Her decision had nothing to do with the ache in her bones, the shortness in her breath at seeing a certain blond haired clone, or the fatigue slowing her energetic stride.

He made short work of her shirt, and she finally, finally found the clasps on his armor. Not soon enough, she was naked, pressed up against his body suit and soaking in his heat. He pulled away, holding her at arms length as she protested, and stared at her, eyes dark with desire and wild. Then he crushed her to him and began ravishing her mouth. She stumbled backward and tripped over the bed, bringing him down on top of her as she cried out-

"I'm fine Coric," she managed. "Just not in the mood for sparring for Skyguy at this sadistic hour of the morning. I swear, he's doing this on purpose to get back at for that crack I made about him and flying. And it's totally true!"

With a few snips and a smile, she could get away with anything. She had to, because if someone guessed…well, it didn't really bear thinking about.

It would mean separation. It would mean disgrace. It would mean a loss of trust and disappointment. It would mean the end of her as a commander and Rex as a captain. So she lied, even though Jedi weren't supposed to lie, and wondered if the other Jedi could see the darkness in her heart.

It was standing in infirmary, and having Kix eye the suspiciously finger shaped bruises on her hip that had also taken a blaster wound and a grazing from stone.

His voice was suspiciously cautious, quiet- "Is there anything you want to tell me Commander?"

She was on her back, one leg thrown over his shoulder, the other pinned down on the bed. She squirmed and cried as his mouth moved lower and lower, the pain of his hand bruising her hip with the force of his grip all but forgotten.

She gave Kix a sheepish smile. "I lost my grip on the security strap, coming down in on the vanguard. One of Torrent Company grabbed me- thank the Force."

She rolled her eyes.

Not that Ahsoka had ever been so unbalanced before as to nearly fall out of a transport before. Still, it was possible, and with the heat and adrenaline of battle clouding their memories, no one would contradict her if Kix went around asking. So she lied to the medic.

"Skyguy would have been insufferable in his lectures if I had actually fallen out of the transport. I don't even want to imagine how unbearable he'd be for the next month," she added a shudder as she twisted her face into a grimace. It didn't take much effort- just thinking about Skyguy's lectures could be annoyed-migraine inducing.

Kix frowned at her, though whether because he sensed she wasn't telling the truth or because of her blatant disrespect, she didn't know. Then he glanced up and behind her, face smoothing out.

"Captain."

Heart suddenly racing, she froze for a second before turning around, praying to the Force that her face was somewhat normal. Rex stood there, fully armored and streaked with dirt and blood. She couldn't see his eyes through the visor, but she felt the heat of his regard on her hip before he focused his attention on Coric, asking for the casualties.

Some reminders couldn't be washed away by anything but time.

It was curling up in a forgotten corner of the Resolute where she was sure no one could find her, avoiding sleeping. Avoiding her bed. No one but Chopper knew she was here, and Chopper wouldn't tell anyone. Not even his captain.

After waking up to an empty bed and being coldly shut down when she tried to talk to him, on top of being ignored and spoken to with painful formality when he couldn't, her battered heart had had enough.

Blinking back tears and knowing that if she went to her room, she'd break down in such a fashion that her Master would feel it through the Force, she got out of the control room.

No one knew of a hidden corner of the Resolute, half-hidden by machinery and awkward design. It was her sanctuary, a place to meditate and to pace and rage. Now, it would become something else.

Barely restraining the urge to run, she made her way, the halls thankfully empty of people. It'd be odd at any other time, but this was the deep space, third rotation shift. Most of the troopers were asleep, and those who weren't were on duty.

Her chest was heaving despite her efforts at stifling back her tears, and she quickened her pace. Finally, she reached her sanctuary, and ducked in. Staggering, she collapsed to the side, wrapping herself into a ball as she let herself cry.

Chest heaving with the strength of her agony, she curled by even tighter as she fought for breathe, wailing. It hurt. It hurt so much. Why had he rejected her? She couldn't loose him- she couldn't. He taught her, supported her, laughed with her, anchored her. Skyyguy was her master, but he was her best friend. They were partners. How could he throw that away?

Shuddering under the force of her agony, she didn't hear the noise. A hand touched her shoulder, and she jumped in surprise, spinning around as she reached for the lightsaber that wasn't there.

Chopper, face as gruesome as ever, stood in front of her, eyebrow raised. Being the only man in the 501st who neither treated her like a Jedi or a commander, simply another fighter, Ahsoka liked him but wasn't sure if he liked her. She didn't know what she had to say, what she had to do, how she had to react to cover up her secret because no one could no. That's what her head said. But her heart didn't listen.

"Commander, are you alright?"

A lot of words for taciturn Chopper, and the irony of the concern on his face for her- after all he'd gone through- was not lost on her. She couldn't help it. She began to laugh, then hiccupped, and started sobbing as she fell to the floor.

"I'm not alright!" she managed between shudders. "Why do- hiccup- people keep asking me that?"

Then she lost it. Later, she would disappointed in herself, in her weakness. But that was later. Now, she'd cry and allow herself to be trapped somewhere between a child and an adult.

Chopper sank to his knees beside her, hand hovering unsurely over her shoulder, looking both alarmed and confused. "Commander, are you hurt? Do you need medical care?"

She shook her head, and tried futilely to get control of herself, pulling on the Force. She failed.

"Should I get the General?" she shook her head frantically that. Force, it would be a disaster beyond thinking about if Skyguy saw her like this! Because Anakin would ask, would want to know why his padawan was upset. Girl issues would derail him, but not other Jedi.

Chopper's thoughts raced. What the kriff was he supposed to do with a crying female?

"What about Captain Rex?" For a second, his name froze her in place, her sobs catching in her throat as her heart tried to go up it at the same time.

Then she jolted to her feet, throwing Chopper off balance as he rose awkwardly with her.

"No!" she all but shouted. "You can't get him- Chopper, don't. He wouldn't come anyways, he-" she cringed at the thought, folding in on herself again, collapsing to the floor.

It hurt so much; she couldn't- wouldn't take it anymore-

Then, she felt arms wrap around her, and she fell into Chopper without reserve. She was held tight against a chest, and arms wrapped around her as she cried. Her last thought was that Chopper would keep her safe- he knew about keeping secrets.

After all, Ahsoka Tano was a Jedi, and the Jedi are nothing but not good at keeping secrets.

This piece was originally published in the late spring/early summer of 2012, and was my first real story. I took it down, planning on doing revisions, but when my laptop crashed for the second time and the TCW show ended, my inspiration pretty much dried up, gave up, and died regarding this story.

What you just read was the original chapter, in all it's dubious, first real story glory. Jade_Max, along with having written the prequel I mentioned above, is also, with my permission and delight, going to write the revised revision of JoR that I planned on.