Title: Circumstantial Beliefs
Rating: Rated T.
Pairings: None.
Genre: Hurt/Comfort and Parody.
Summary: Luffy accidentally slips and says something about a brother nobody knew about. Rather AU. A LOT of omakes as well as not-even-close-to-being-stupid!Luffy by accident. Co-written with Cana-Puff.
Regarding Q&A: Any questions regarding the story can be asked via PM or review to either me or Cana-Puff.
Beta: N/A.
Warnings: Language, violence, stupidity, character death during the omakes, and hyperventilation/breakdowns.
Category: One Piece
Uploaded: August 3rd, 2013
(Section Break)
Omake No. 1 (using the word "green crayon" to describe Zoro)
The tension on the Thousand Sunny became slightly palpable as Luffy's grin faded into a smaller, sardonic smile. The rubberman's pained eyes locked with the green crayon as a small murmur escaped his lips.
"It wouldn't be the first time."
The crayon reeled back, shocked. Its paper began peeling off as the wax began melting from surprise. Luffy stood up abruptly and screamed, lunging himself at the green crayon. "NO!" he yelled frantically. "SHAMROCK GREEN! NOOOO!"
Nami sighed in exasperation. "Calm down, Luffy," she sighed as Luffy ran around screaming over his ruined crayon.
(Section Break)
Omake No. 2 (mystery third brother)
The tension on the Thousand Sunny became slightly palpable as Luffy's grin faded into a smaller, sardonic smile. The rubberman's pained eyes locked with the green-haired pirates's as a small murmur escaped his lips.
"It wouldn't be the first time. Or the last, for that matter."
Robin eyed the Straw Hat captain wearily. "Are you an assassin, Captain-san?" she asked.
Luffy's eyes grew wider. "Shit! I wasn't supposed to tell you about him!"
"Who's 'him'?" Brook wondered.
"Um..." Luffy mumbled, unsure. He looked up and jumped up from his seat and plunged himself into the bubble, popping it immediately with his razor-sharp teeth. They all died from the pressure of the ocean, except for Brook, who sadly looked on as his body fell to the bottom of the sea.
(Section Break)
Omake No. 3 (what-the-fuck!Robin)
"It wouldn't be the first time."
Lifeless silence filled the bubbled-in Sunny. "Luffy-san," Brook uttered softly as he heard Luffy's words, his cup clattering on the saucer with an audible chink.
Luffy shrugged, turning and facing the fish again. His melancholic aura damped all the Straw Hats as they waited for him to say something.
And they waited, and they waited, and they waited...
And they waited.
They waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited until Robin finally stood up abruptly and shouted, "FUCKING SAY SOMETHING!"
Everyone turned to stare at her until she literally died of embarrassment, her dead body hitting the deck with a thump.
(Section Break)
Omake No. 4 (yes, this one purposely sounds dirty)
"Well," Luffy began, "when I was seven, Gramps sent me to live with some mountain bandits. He's just the fucking bestest grandfather ever, huh? I love him soooo much for placing me with those bandits! He's just the bestestestest! He's so loving! He's so fucking perfect; I love him to death! I wish I had become a Marine so I could be closer to him! He's such a nice grandfather!"
The rest of the crew stared at the rubberman until he shrugged and turned to face the fish once more, ignoring those around him. The subject was dropped.
(Section Break)
Omake No. 5 (this one is complete shit)
"Try to breathe slower!" Chopper requested. "Robin, can you get my medical supplies?"
She nodded and activated her Devil Fruit abilities, bringing a medium-sized bag out of the inside of the ship. The reindeer hastily got a stethoscope out and took Luffy's heart rate. "It's too high," he murmured as he looked throughout his bag. "I don't have anything to help him control his breathing, either." He looked as Luffy continued breathing in far too quickly before he rummaged through his bag more with a worried look on his face, not sure what to do. He looked pleadingly around to see if anyone else had an idea, but none of them did.
Luffy died that day, leaving the heartbroken crew to do whatever they would do if their captain were to die.
It was all Zoro's fault.
(Section Break)
Omake No. 6 (hitchhiking!Sabo)
Luffy's hands trembled where they gripped his hat, clawing at the straw in anguish. He was curled up into a tight, protective ball by now. "He was killed! It was my fault! All mine!" He sounded on the verge of hysterics. "Just like Ace! They're dead because of me!" A raw, agonizing cry ripped from his throat. It was becoming harder to breathe, Luffy realised, and he vaguely noted that Zoro was on his feet in alarm at that point.
"Did someone mention me?" a blond, curly-haired boy inquired, crawling out of a barrel that was on the deck.
Luffy's attention was drawn by the man. "S-Sabo?" he wondered.
"Yo," Sabo said. "That you, Luffy?"
"How... how...?"
"How am I alive?" Sabo asked. "Uhh, I hitchhiked on the Celestial Dragons' ship and was hitchhiking on yours."
"Hitchhiking?" Nami queried.
"Yeah," Sabo replied. "I'm trying to hijack the One Piece."
"...the fuck?"
Luffy suddenly jumped up and hugged Sabo to death.
"SABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
(Section Break)
Omake No. 7 (mental!Luffy)
"I wouldn't advise it," Chopper said, "but if what Nami said is true, then we may have to."
Sanji looked around hesitantly. "I'll do it," he said, walking up to the captain who was still going mental.
"Bunnies," Luffy giggled. "Sunshine!"
"What the heck...?" Usopp wondered.
"RAINBOWS!" the mental captain yelled, bolting up and jumping through the bubble into the ocean. He died within minutes.
(Section Break)
Omake No. 7 (Merry arrives)
That night, while everyone was sleeping, an unidentified male snuck into the house. He was in the room that was being used as a makeshift medical area for the captain of the Straw Hat Pirates. He moved a chair and sat in the corner, watching the steady rise and fall of the rubberman. Suddenly, he moved forwards and poked the teenager until he woke.
"W-wha...?" Luffy mumbled sleepily.
"FUCK YOU!" Merry yelled angrily. "YOU RUINED THE SHIP I PUT MY HEART AND SOUL INTO DESIGNING! I WAS SO ANGRY WHEN I FOUND OUT YOU HAD DAMAGED HER BEYOND REPAIR! AND THEN YOU EVEN HAD THE NERVE TO BURN HER! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, STRAWHAT!?"
"Who are you?" Luffy inquired, tilting his head.
Merry screamed and took out a hidden knife from his pocket and stabbed Luffy through the heart multiple times, killing the rubberman. He ran out through the window, "baa"ing as he went.
The next day, he was arrested for murder.
(Section Break)
Omake No. 8 (creepy!Robin)
The blond ignored the green-headed swordsman and looked over to see the rubberman. "Ahh, it's been a while," he murmured with fondness. "I still remember him when he was a round-faced child." He let out a small chuckle.
Suddenly, a very recognisable face appeared on the wall. Usopp squeaked in fright as Robin's voice came out of the mask-like addition on the bare surface. Chopper yelled and transformed, smashing Robin's face and injuring her. Since nobody could tell where she actually was due to her use of her ability, she bled out and died. Meanwhile, the blond man took use of the distraction and murdered Luffy. He ran out and died in the street from being a dumbass.
(Section Break)
Omake No. 9 (laser!Robin)
"I like to think I knew him quite well when he was a kid. 'Course, I only knew him for six months, so I'm not really sure about everything."
Robin's eyes suddenly shot a green beam, destroying the blond. "Oops," she chuckled. She then was murdered by Luffy, who had shot awake upon hearing the lasers.
"THAT WAS HIM!" Luffy yelled angrily. "HE WAS THE THIRD BROTHER!"
"...What?" Nami wondered.
"Shit," Luffy muttered before taking out a knife and stabbing himself to death.
"I'll get the mop," Keimi volunteered as Luffy fell over, dead. Nami then stabbed her to death for being an asshole.
(Section Break)
Omake No. 10 (naruto crossover)
Robin's eyes widened in understanding, but before she could comment on his admission, a groan came from the bed, capturing everyone's attention. Luffy had woken up. "What's going on, Gais?" he greeted sleepily.
"What?" Nami wondered.
Suddenly, a mass of men with bowl-cuts and green jumpsuits rushed in yelling, "DYNAMIC ENTRY!" and killed everyone, save for Luffy. Even Keimi was not spared. Luffy then woke up entirely.
"Oh, hey Gais," he said.
"You called?" the Gais inquired, flashing blinding smiles towards the pirate.
"You killed my nakama," Luffy noted, looking around. "Is that the third brother?"
"Indeed," the Gais replied. They then left using Spiderman tactics and died in the street from overexerting their mental boxes. Luffy committed suicide later that day, distraught that the Gais had died.
(Section Break)
Omake No. 11 (Zoro is Marco and Marco is Zoro)
Robin's eyes widened in understanding, but before she could comment on his admission, a groan came from the bed, capturing everyone's attention. Luffy had woken up. Everyone's heads snapped towards him, watching carefully. Zoro was the first to approach him.
"Yoi."
Luffy looked at Zoro oddly. "Yoi?" he repeated.
"Shit," Zoro muttered. He suddenly unzipped a zipper that appeared over his face and climbed out of the humanoid suit. "Hey, guys."
"What the fuck?" Nami wondered.
"My name's Marco," he said. "Nice to meet ya, yoi." Then he burst into flame and pecked at the ground with his magnificent phoenix beak.
"Fuck this," the third brother muttered before killing the Marco-Zoro-Marco-Zoro guy. Nami then killed the third brother for killing the Marco-Zoro-Marco-Zoro guy, to which Luffy killed Nami for killing the third brother for killing the Marco-Zoro-Marco-Zoro guy. Keimi then snapped and murdered all of them.
(Section Break)
Omake No. 12 (comas)
"Oi." He knelt down by Luffy's bedside. "You feeling okay now? You gave us a fucking fright earlier, you know."
Luffy sat up, blinking blearily at him. The events of a decade ago taunted him. "What?" he wondered.
"You've been in a coma," Chopper explained. "We've missed you, Luffy."
Luffy sat stock-still. "Has anyone found the One Piece?" he inquired.
"Yeah," Nami replied. "We did."
Luffy then killed them all for being impatient little fucks. Except for the mystery third brother, of course.
(Section Break)
Omake No. 13 (choking!Luffy)
The blond man, who he'd locked eyes with, offered him a friendly wave. "Luffy, you've grown up, haven't you?"
Luffy made a noise at the back of his throat because actually he was choking and gonna die. Zoro rushed towards him and tried to perform the heimlich maneuver, but instead accidentally squished his organs out of his mouth. Luffy died instantly. Zoro then committed seppuku. Keimi then killed all of them except for the mystery third brother, who she then eloped with. The end.
(Section Break)
Omake No. 14 (just one bathroom joke had to be included)
"Ace died thinking you were dead. He never knew..." Luffy _d.
"_d?" Robin wondered.
"Pissed," the blond supplemented.
"Can you even do that?" Sanji inquired.
"He can," the man said with amusement evident in his tone. Luffy ran out of the room blushing. Keimi then took the opportunity to kill everybody but the mystery third brother. Then they eloped and died later that evening.
(Section Break)
Omake No. 15 (Aokiji)
"Ace died thinking you were dead. He never knew..." Luffy muttered. "Sabo..."
The room froze. Literally. Aokiji had arrived and killed all of them except for Keimi, who he sold to a World Noble because he's a dick.
(Section Break)
Omake No. 16 (reading atmospheres es importante)
The room froze as those words left Luffy's mouth.
"Sabo...?" Nami repeated. "You mean...?"
"Wait, the dead brother you were telling us about back then? He's here now? What a coincidence, yohohoho!" Brook laughed awkwardly.
Everyone proceeded to rip out Brook's afro. Brook cried and died, the pain of losing his hair being too much for the disembodied soul.
(Section Break)
Omake No. 17 (bitter!luffy)
"You told them about me?" the blond, now Sabo, inquired, raising an eyebrow.
"I told them about how you'd died. Or not, apparently," Luffy replied bitterly.
"You okay, Luffy?" Sabo asked.
"Fuck no I'm not," Luffy responded. "My brother died and then my other brother was supposed to be dead. So why the fuck aren't you dead? And why the fuck didn't you tell me?"
"I'm sorry, Luffy," Sabo apologised, "but I wasn't able to contact you. Even now, I'm not supposed to -"
"Some superior's ordering you around, then?" Luffy scoffed. "Fuck ya'll."
He then took a cowboy hat out of nowhere and pulled two guns out of it. He killed everybody in the room, saying, "Nobody fucks with the status quo," and then killed himself.
(Section Break)
Omake No. 18 (wizards 4 lyfe)
Sabo nodded. "The Revolutionaries were in the area the night the Celestial Dragons came," he said. "I guess they just happened to be in the right place at the right time; I've never really questioned it. But when my boat was shot down, I was rescued apparently by like a Devil Fruit user but I don't even fucking know how that happened when I was drowning it's a mystery and like -"
"It was magic," Luffy decided.
"Are you -?" Sabo asked, surprised.
Luffy nodded, pulling off his shirt and showing Sabo his tattoo. Wizards 4 Lyfe.
Sabo hugged Luffy and they all lived happily ever after.
(Magic solves everything, including the death of everyone but the mystery third brother.)
(Section Break)
Omake No. 19 (Zoro, you baka)
Luffy had fallen completely silent, shocked beyond words. Then he began to blubber, tears gushing down his cheeks, chest heaving. Chopper was worried for a moment that he might have a relapse, but instead Luffy flung himself forward and consequently tripped over Zoro who was still lying on the floor where he'd been pushed over at the beginning of the conversation. And the moment was forever ruined. Fuck you, Zoro.
(Section Break)
Omake No. 20 (mystery third brother revisited)
"See you then," the rubberman said, watching as the blond began walking off with a wave over his shoulder. "...Mystery third brother."
"You betcha," Sabo murmured. He was indeed the mystery third brother. He cackled as he pulled the skin-suit off of him, revealing none other than...FUCKING MERRY!
What a creep.
(Section Break)
Cana-Puff and I had a little instant-updating chat within Google Docs (typing in the same paragraph):
exactly omg hahaha Oh because i can god, then the next deal with it morning people woke up and suddenly u jerk there was this shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh man shhh stranger in the room just gazing at well excuse fucking me them asshole ily tho creepily 3 you had better hahaha why are you in the middle of the paragraph wffff this muhahhhaah paragraph is a bunch of jumbled it is mess read it as is
(she said: "This is what happens when you communicate with your beta via Document Share")
Also, this could be horribly disproved in a variety of ways. Wizards 4 Lyfe used as a reference to the tumblr blog what-the-fuck-is-one-piece.
If you review, virtual cookies. If not, that's fine too. As long as you like the story, everything's all good!
Shameless advertising: Cana-Puff is a cool person – go bother her for a while. I also have another one-shot stashed away somewhere that can be found on my profile called A Way to Win. It's for Naruto. I also-also have another one-shot for One Piece called A Toast to Life, so check it out if you're interested.