I do not own TMNT.

How can things ever go back to the way they were?

Raphael stared at the pancake on his plate, not feeling hungry but knowing he should eat. His brothers chatted excitedly as April continued to fry pancakes, the counter a mess of water and pancake mix. April had come over, insisting that she make them breakfast, much to Mikey's dismay and the others relief.

"I can't wait to start training today! It's been weeks since our last session," Leo exclaimed as he carefully cut his pancake into squares.

"I know," Donnie said wistfully, "I haven't been allowed to work on anything. Do you think now that we're mostly healed, Sensei will let me work in my lab again?"

"You're crazy Donnie! How can you not like not doing work?" Mikey said with a grin, "I mean, we've gotten to watch movies, lay around the lair, eat pizza-what more could you want?"

"My lab," Donnie sighed, "Robots, chemistry; would you like me to to continue?" April rolled her eyes, but made no comment.

"Pfft, you don't need your lab to do chemistry," Mikey scoffed, "It's easy. You just mix stuff together in a cup." He grabbed Donnie's cup of orange juice and splashed a handful of salt into it. "See? Chemistry," Mikey stated matter-of-factly.

"Hey! That was my orange juice!" Donnie shouted angrily.

"Mikey," April added in scoldingly.

"What? He's the one who wanted to do chemistry," Mikey said with a mischievous grin. Acting on impulse, Donnie snatched up the pepper and dumped it into Mikey's cup. Mikey's grin grew broader and he grabbed the butter off the table, throwing it at Donnie and hitting him squarely in the face. "It is so ON!" Mikey whooped. Before anyone could stop them food was flying across the table and the two younger brothers were covered in what would have been their breakfast.

"Guys, stop it!" Leo said, trying to separate them, "It's a waste of food, and if sensei finds you doing this-"

"You're such a spoilsport Leo!" Mikey said, sticking out his tongue and splashing a cup of orange juice towards him. Leo quickly rolled out of the way, but the juice didn't join the mess on the floor. Instead it hit April, who had unfortunately been standing behind Leo. She gasped as it splashed down on her head, running down her face and into her shirt. For moment she just stood there, blinking her eyes, and then she quickly grabbed the pancake batter and dumped it over Mikey's head.

"You little turd!" she said, her expression angry but her eyes glittering with a bit of amusement. Mikey laughed, wiping the pancake batter off his face and smearing it onto Donnie with a devilish grin. Donnie snatched up a pancake, throwing it at Mikey, who ducked so the pancake instead hit April.

"Guys! Guys!" Leo groaned in frustration, "Raph, would you-" Leo was cut short as he turned towards Raphael's chair and was surprised to find it empty.

….

I want to forget everything.

Raphael was curled up in the corner of his room, his expression empty and his eyes blank. The pumpkin lantern in the corner of the room flickered dimly, casting long shadows in the room. They had all been so happy, so content down there. Like nothing had happened. I almost killed them and they just forget that. Why can't I?

Raphael closed his eyes, the screaming and clashing of metal filling his head. He put one hand on his shoulder where Leo's blade had sunk into his skin. A long, thin scar was all that remained of the wound, but it still stung like it was fresh every time that he had the nightmare. Every night the same dream would come back to haunt him, reminding him of all he had done. Raphael tried to push away these dark thoughts, but they refused to leave. He sighed, putting his chin on his knees.

I almost killed them.

Raphael tensed as something stepped onto his foot, but looking up he realized it was just Spike, his pet turtle. Raphael sighed, and Spike peered up at him and tipped his head to the side curiously, almost as if he were asking, "What's wrong?"

"Hey Spike," Raphael said with a tired smile as he picked up his turtle. Spike leaned upwards eagerly as Raphael lightly stroked his head. Raph was silent for few minutes, just gently petting his turtle.

"How can they just forget?" Raphael finally sighed, placing Spike back on the floor, "What if I had…" Raphael swallowed, his breath quickening. "I never should have let this HAPPEN!" Raph shouted, grabbing his pillow, which had somehow ended up on the floor, and hurling it at the wall. It hit the wall with a smack and then slid down, tumbling onto the floor. Raphael glared at it. "I should have done something, noticed it sooner, prevented all this crap!" he growled. Spike seemed to almost nod in agreement as he lumbered back over to Raphael across the red and gold rug in the center of the room.

"Raphael! We begin training again today," Splinter's voice rang out from the other side of the door, making Raphael start with surprise.

"Ai, Sensei," Raphael sighed, standing up and throwing the pillow back onto his bed. Then, slowly, the red-clad turtle lifted up the mattress, revealing the pair of sai underneath. He hadn't touched them since the day he had let Karai go. Gingerly, he lifted up the weapons. They were unfamiliar in his hands, and he nearly flinched as he remembered what he had done with these sai. He shook his head, taking a deep breath. He had to get over this, the sooner the better.

I'm not going to hurt my brothers. Not anymore.

….

"Hajime!"

Raphael faced Mikey, his shoulders tense with anticipation. Splinter stood off to the side, watching with narrowed eyes, while the other two brothers, Leo and Donnie, were leaning against the tree and watching with just as much attention as their sensei. There was a moment of heavy silence, then Mikey narrowed his eyes and threw a punch at Raphael's head. Raph easily ducked the blow.

"That all you got?" Raphael smirked, his adrenaline pumping. He hadn't realized just how much he had missed this.

"Don't worry, I'm just getting started," Mikey assured his older brother with a grin. Mikey whipped out his nunchucks and began to swing them at Raph. Raph leaned back to avoid the chains, then spotted his chance and lunged. Drawing back a fist, Raph gave Mikey a swift punch to the cheek, being careful to control his hit. As his fist collided with his younger brother's cheek he felt a small glimmer of pride, and a smile flickered on his lips.

Raph started as suddenly as an image flashed across his vision. He was smiling crazedly, lifting his weapon above Mikey's throat, preparing to delve it into his younger brother's skin. Raph gasped and reeled backwards, collapsing on the floor on his hands and knees.

"Raph?" Mikey said in concern, relaxing his defensive pose, "Are you ok?" The memory had already faded, but Raphael was left with a sense of terror.

"I'm just…I think I'll sit this out," Raph said, getting up on shaky legs and walking over to join Donnie and Leo by the tree. The red masked mutant sat down and curled up next to the tree. His brothers all cast worried glances at him, but he kept his eyes glued to the floor. He couldn't bear to look at them. Not after what he had done. The rest of the training session went by quickly, and Raphael remained huddled against the tree, still and silent.

"That will be enough for today," Splinter said in his thick voice, "You are all dismissed." The three other brothers gave Splinter a short bow, and Raphael finally looked up. He wanted to follow his brothers out of the dojo, but the look in Splinter's eyes told him that his father wanted to speak with him in private, so Raphael remained curled against the tree as his brothers left. Mikey sent a sad glance back at Raphael before he disappeared out the archway.

"Raphael," Splinter said, his eyes glittering in sympathy as he walked over to his second oldest, then settled down beside him, his legs crossed, "What troubles you?" Raph sighed, shaking his head.

"I don't know...I just...I was doing good until I actually landed a hit," Raphael said quietly, "Then I remembered, what I had done to him, and what I almost did. I saw in front me like I was back there, and I couldn't bear it."

"Hmm," Splinter said carefully, "It appears that those few weeks of your poisoning have scarred you not only physically, but also mentally. You fear to bring harm to your brothers now more than ever."

"May I ask you something?" Raphael said, his voice cautious, "I had this dream...back when I was still under the poison's influence. It was a memory from years ago, back when Leo dared me to drink the sewer water. Remember that?"

"Ah, yes," Splinter chuckled, "You were so ashamed of yourself. It took a while for me to convince you that it was alright. I believe you learned an important lesson in self-forgiveness that day."

"The thing is, I can't figure out why I dreamt about that," Raphael said, turning to face his rodent master, "And just last night, it happened again."

Splinter frowned, his eyebrows furrowing thoughtfully. "One does not have a reoccuring dream without reason," he said, "Curious."

Raphael sighed, curling his knees in towards his chest even tighter, "I just want to forget everything that happened," he said miserably, "It haunts me, every night."

"I understand your suffering," Splinter said, placing a hand on his son's shoulder, "But it would not be to your advantage to forget. Your journey has matured you and taught you important lessons that will last a lifetime. Nobody should have to go through what you have my son; but it has changed in ways you cannot imagine. It has, and still is, shaping you in ways that will make you wiser and stronger. The nightmares will leave; the past will fade."

"I don't feel any stronger or wiser," Raphael mumbled, hugging his legs.

"Perhaps not yet. But someday you will realize and be thankful for the things this has taught you, Raphael," Splinter said, giving his son a small smile.

"I almost killed them, Sensei," Raphael said bitterly, "How can I ever forget that?"

"You know what I think your dream meant?" Splinter said, leaning down to look his son in the eye, "I think your dream was reminding you that before you can move on, you must forgive yourself." Raphael sighed, knowing his sensei was right but also knowing it would be hard to forgive himself for so much evil. Splinter sighed. "Perhaps we should delay your training a bit longer," he rumbled.

"No!" Raphael said quickly, his head snapping up as he let go of his legs. Splinter raised an eyebrow questioningly. Raphael looked up, keeping his own eyes locked with his sensei's gaze unflinchingly, "No Sensei, I want to continue my training."

"Hm? And why?" Splinter asked, "Have you conquered your fear?"

"No," Raphael sighed, his gaze going back downwards. Then he looked back up, his eyes becoming steely with resolve, "No, I don't think I'll ever stop being afraid of hurting my brothers. Not after all I've gone through."

"Then why do you think you are fit to continue your training?" Splinter said, a hint of a smile curling his lips. Raphael took a deep breath, and he could feel his confidence growing. Maybe Splinter was right. Maybe after all the death, all the blood, he had come out stronger and wiser. No matter what the storm ahead would bring, he knew that he and his brothers were strong when they acted together. They were one team, one force. And nothing could break that bond. Not poison, or Karai, or even Shredder. The sun will always rise again, and the darkness will pass...Why do I want to continue my training?

"Because I'm not going to let my fear control me."