The Play

Dedicated to the amazing lambylin from tumblr for coming up with prompt!

"Aw-aww! Seriously? We're doing Romeo and Juliet?!" Stan complained after he and the boys looked at the flier posted on the bulletin board. "This really blows, dude."

"Nah, I think this will be interesting." Kyle said optimistically. "There's a lot of cool fight scenes."

"Yeah, I think it'll be fun!" Token agreed.

"I gotta agree with Stan on this one." Cartman added. "This play is such a sissy piece of crap."

"Oh, shut up, fatass!" Kyle spat. "You never even read it in Freshman Lit."

"So? I watched the movie; that should be enough."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "We all watched the movie in class, dumbass. That doesn't count."

"If you fellas hate it so much, why did you even take the theatre class?" Butters asked.

"Because the only other elective is the art class and I hate the teacher. She fails you if you're not 'artistic' enough." Stan answered grumpily. "At least with this class you can get away with getting a part with no lines and still pass."

"Oh, c'mon, Stan. Mrs. Dreibel isn't that bad." Kenny started. "I'm doing pretty well in the class, I think."

Cartman snorted "Ha! That coming from the guy who could draw me like one of his French girls."

"Whatever." Stan shrugged. "It's less work to stand in the background on stage than to fail epically at drawing." He shoved his hands into his pockets and he and the others all started to saunter away from the bulletin board when a group of giggling girls, led by Wendy, walked up to it.

"We're doing Romeo and Juliet?!" Milly squealed excitedly.

"We should all audition for Juliet together!" Annie suggested.

Bebe laughed. "Why bother? We all know Wendy will get it. She's the best actress in class, after all."

"Oh, I'm sure I'm not the best." Wendy muttered humbly. "But I do think I can do the part justice!"

Stan stopped at the mention of Wendy being Juliet and tried to listen in without looking like he was eavesdropping. Bebe then leaned over to Wendy and whispered something that made Wendy blush.

"Hehe, that's true. Not sure if we'd have any boys brave enough to audition for him, sadly." Stan's eyes widened and he quickly snuck away to catch up with the other guys.

"S-so…any of you gonna be brave enough to actually audition for Romeo?" Stan asked, trying not to sound obvious.

"Pfft, no fucking way!" Cartman laughed. "If I get a speaking part, it's not gonna be that fag."

"I don't really wanna commit to memorizing all the lines, to be honest." Token admitted.

"Yeah, same here." Kyle nodded. "I need to put my AP classes first. Why the sudden interest, Stan?"

"N-no reason!" he rubbed the back of his neck.

"Heh, don't lie." Kenny smirked. "You're hoping Wendy will be Juliet and you will be Romeo so you can smooch her on stage, aren't you?"

"What?! N-no way!"

Cartman howled with laughter. "Oh my God, Stan! You have any idea how gay that is?! If you wanna kiss the hoe, then just do it! No need make it all complicated and shit."

"Shut up!" Stan flushed. "Wendy and I are on a kind of break right now from a fight and –"

"Again?" Kyle groaned.

"Yes." Stan sighed. "She won't listen to me when I try to talk to her, so maybe if I kiss her on stage we'll be okay again."

"That's really retarded, Stan." Kyle crossed his arms. "But do whatever you want." He stomped off, annoyed.

"Kyle, what—" Stan began.

"Just forget him." Kenny interrupted. "I don't know about acting, but I know a thing or two about chicks." He wrapped his arm around Stan's shoulder and led him away. "Okay, so here's what you'll do at the audition tomorrow…"

"Just fill out which parts you'd like to try out for." Mr. Thallo said as he passed out sign-up sheets around the classroom the next day. "Once that's done, I'll pair you up and have two of you do a short scene. Then each of you will get an assigned monologue and you'll have a few minutes to read it over before auditioning. Any questions?" The students remained silent and he began to collect the sheets. "Okay, anymore sheets? No? Good, good." He looked through them really quick and started to pair them together. Stan ended up getting lucky and got paired with Wendy. "Stan, Wendy, you two will be doing Act II Scene II, starting from line 25."

Wendy nodded, looking slightly annoyed, and took a script. She led Stan to a corner of the room to practice. "Look, Stan. I know we're not getting along right now, but I don't want you to ruin this for me. So, let's try to work together."

"Yeah, of course!" Stan nodded enthusiastically. All he had to do was remember what Kenny told him. Wendy's really passionate about this, so pay attention and don't fuck around.

"Okay, let's get this started." She flipped through the pages "Line 25, line 25. Ah, there we go." She cleared her throat. "Ay, me!"

"She speaks! O, speak again, bright angel for art thou—I mean—for thou art as glorious to this night, being o'er my head…O'er? What the fuck does o'er mean?"

"It's short for over." Wendy sighed.

"Then why not just fucking say over?"

"Because it helps with the flow of the meter."

Stan blinked. "The what?"

"Did you even pay attention in Freshman Lit last year, Stan?" Stan's face remained blank and Wendy groaned. "Ugh, never mind. Just keep reading or we won't be prepared!"

"Oh, right. Sorry."

They continued reading over the lines as many times as they could before Mr. Thallo ordered everyone to stop and line up to audition. Stan and Wendy ended up being third in line; Stan wound up fumbling a bit on his intro, but he didn't think he did too badly on the actual lines. Wendy didn't seem too happy, however.

"You had no change in tone at all and you sounded like a freaking robot!"

"Well excuse me for not speaking Shakespeareanese or whatever."

"Ugh, it's not that hard, Stan!"

"Please keep it down, you two." Mr. Thallo shushed. "The next audition is up."

Stan sat quietly and pretty much ignored the rest of the auditions. Things weren't really going as well as he hoped, but no one else was doing any scenes with Romeo, so that was a good sign. After the last audition finished, Mr. Thallo started to assign the monologues when the door swung open and Craig strut in late, as per usual.

"Nice of you to join us, Mr. Tucker."

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry." He said apologetically; oddly enough, he seemed like he really meant it. "I'm not too late to audition, am I?"

"Well, you missed the pair scenes, but you can still do the monologue audition." He handed him a sign-up sheet. "Just fill this out, and I'll assign you a monologue." He then proceeded to assign the monologues to the class. Stan was assigned Romeo's monologue from Act III Scene III, and was a bit pissed since he knew nothing about this monologue and would have preferred that other one.

Stan was second-to-last in line and was a bit mesmerized by Wendy's performance before he had to snap out of it and try not to mess up is monologue too much. He was sure he accidentally muttered "fuck" under his breath when he kept stumbling over the word validity, but it was no big deal. He was the only one to audition for Romeo anyway.

Craig was last in line and he slowly got up on the stage and stood in the center. "Hi, I'm Craig Tucker and I'll be auditioning for the part of Romeo." Stan looked up quickly and was taken aback.

"Why the hell would Craig of all people audition for Romeo?" Stan snickered under his breath. "Oh, this is gonna be good."

Craig took one last look at the script and then tucked it away before starting. He was assigned the famed monologue from Act II Scene II and, to Stan's complete surprise, did a flawless audition. After he finished, there was a stunned silence amongst the students before a small applause was heard.

"Wow, Craig!" Red praised as he got off the stage. "Where have you been hiding that talent, huh?" Craig slightly smiled and went to the back to sit.

"Pssh, it wasn't that good." Stan mumbled grumpily to himself before the bell rang.

"Thank you for your auditions, I'll post the cast list after school today, so be sure to come check it! Practice will start tomorrow in class and after school. You are dismissed." Everyone quickly filed out and Stan heard all the girls whispering about how good Craig's audition was.

"Craig was pretty good, huh?" Kyle mentioned as he caught up with Stan in the hall.

"Not really." Stan scoffed.

"Oh, knock it off, dude. You're just butt hurt that he did a better job than you."

"I am not! I just don't think he's as great as everyone else seems to think."

Kyle shook his head and sighed. "Whatever, dude. See you at lunch, okay?" He ran off to AP Chemistry and Stan went to Geometry.

The day went by just as fast as a snail at a red light and Stan was getting anxious to see the cast list. He had to have gotten Romeo, right? He was certain he had to have done just as well as Craig, and Craig wasn't even there for entire audition, so that had to knock off a few points. Stan was nearly falling asleep in his 6th period World History class, but then the bell rang just in time and he zoomed to the other side of the school to see the list.

Most of the students were already there waiting for Mr. Thallo to emerge from his office and post the list. Not surprisingly, Wendy and the rest of the girls were all in the front. After about five minutes, Mr. Thallo came out and posted the list. The girls all ravaged the bulletin board and he heard various squeals and sighs of disappointment.

"I got Juliet! I knew it!" Wendy exclaimed while she and Bebe had a squeeing fit.

"Hey, Stan, I got Mercutio! Talk about the most badass guy in the play!" Kyle said, quite pleased with himself.

"Not as badass as Tybalt!" Cartman bragged. "That means I get to kill you, Kahl! Hahahahahaha, nahnahnahnahnahnah!"

"Shut up, asshole."

"I got Benvolio!" Clyde added. "And I think Token said he got Friar Lawrence."

"Did you see who I got?" Stan asked.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't check."

Stan shoved through the crowd of girls and looked down the list for his name. "What the hell? The Apothecary? Then that means that—" he looked for Craig's name, and sure enough, Craig got the part of Romeo. "Goddamnit, that asshole."

"So, didn't get Romeo, huh?" Kyle asked and Stan shook his head. "Yeah, didn't think so."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, Craig did have a better audition than you. Just sayin'. Not like this so-called plan of yours would have worked anyways, even if you got the part."

"It could have worked, you don't know that."

Kyle sighed. "Whatever you wanna, believe, dude. But no use dwelling on what could have worked or not, it's in the past. So just let Craig have fun with being Romeo and…Stan?"

"Fucking goddamnit. This means Craig and Wendy are gonna…shit!" Stan ran off to try and find Craig and found him hanging with Tweek by the stairs outside. "Craig, what the fuck?! Why did you audition for Romeo?!"

"Well, hello to you too, asshat."

"Just answer the damn question."

"It may not seem like it, but I actually have a hidden appreciation for Shakespeare. Also, I'm…failing the class since I keep skipping; and Mr. Thallo said that he could give me extra credit if I got the lead."

"Ugh, this isn't fair! I thought I was the only one who was gonna audition for Romeo; I was supposed to get the part!"

"Why the hell does it matter that much anyway? It's not like you even enjoy the play."

"Wendy's Juliet, that's why! So, I'd better not see you trying anything funny in those kissing scenes!"

Craig nearly choked on his gum laughing. "Are you fucking kidding me, Marsh? What makes you think I give a crap about Wendy? 'Sides, you two aren't even dating right now, so it's not like you could actually stop me if I wanted to. Huh, you know what? Maybe I will just to piss you off!"

Stan clenched his fist "You want a face full of fist, Tucker?"

Craig stared at him blankly before answering. "No thanks. Gotta keep my face pretty for the play, don't I?" He looked out to the street and pushed Stan out of the way. "Now, if you'll excuse me, my ride is here. C'mon, Tweek." Tweek shot Stan a dirty look before following Craig. "Later, Marsh." Craig flipped him off as he walked away.

"Jesus, Stan. Give some warning before you run off like a psycho next time." Kyle huffed as he caught up with him. "And leave Craig alone, will you? You and I both know he has that secret thing with Tweek, he won't try anything with Wendy."

Stan frowned. "Ugh, I know that, I just…I don't want Wendy kissing him. Craig totally hates me, so he's gonna do something to piss me off."

"It's just a play, Stan."

"Yeah, whatever." he sighed. "I'm just gonna go home now. Rain check on the basketball today?"

"Oh, um, okay sure." Kyle replied quietly. Stan sighed again and walked home.

"Listen up, listen up!" Mr. Thallo called the students out of their chaotic babble. It was first day of dress rehearsal and they were, to Stan's dismay, doing Act I Scene V. Stan was relieved that they hadn't rehearsed the actual kissing until now, but he was still pissed it was going to happen at all. "Now, everyone knows this scene where our two lovers share their first kiss. So remember, Wendy…Craig, this is acting. No need to be embarrassed or nervous, this doesn't mean a thing. But, you need to make it look realistic, passionate, extravagant! You have lie to the audience like the scum they are and make them believe!" Stan and Kyle exchanged a look and tried extremely hard to stifle their laughter. "Now," he took a step back and sat. "Begin!"

The students who were the servants came out onto the stage to begin the scene, and they easily breezed through it and before you could even blink, they were already nearing the scene. Craig shot a snark look at Stan as he entered the stage and crossed over to Wendy and wrapped his arms around her. Stan clenched his fists and scowled when Craig and Wendy began their lines.

"If I profane with my unworthiest hand

This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:

My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand

To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss." Craig whispered as he held Wendy close.

"Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,

Which mannerly devotion shows in this;

For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,

And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss." Wendy cried softly.

"Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?"

"Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer."

"O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;

They pray — grant thou, lest faith turn to despair."

"Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake."

"Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take." Craig moved in to kiss Wendy, but not before the door set up behind them fell over right in between them, causing them to separate. "Ahh, what the hell?!"

"Stop, stop! Everyone stop!" yelled Mr. Thallo. "What happened here?!"

"S-sorry!" Butters squeaked from back stage. "I don't know what happened! Just a malfunction, sorry!"

"Well, hurry and fix it, Leopold! We must not dawdle!"

"Yes, sir! Right away, sir!" Butters quickly propped the door back up and scurried back stage.

Mr. Thallo cleared his throat and took a sip from his water bottle before speaking again. "Alright, let's restart from line 103, Craig."

Craig nodded and quickly got back into character. "O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;

They pray — grant thou, lest faith turn to despair."

"Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake."

"Then move not while my prayer's ef—" Craig was cut off again, this time by the lights turning off suddenly. "Um…"

"Leopold?!" Mr. Thallo bellowed, causing an echo.

"S-sorry! I don't know what happened, honest!"

"Just fix it, make haste!" Butters scrambled backstage and turned the lights back on. Mr. Thallo took a deep breath. "Let's try this again, shall we? From line 103, Craig."

Craig nodded and began his lines once again. He and Wendy were still doing a flawless job on their lines, but once Craig leaned in to kiss Wendy, a sand bag fell from the rafters on the other side of the stage.

Mr. Thallo rubbed his temples and called Butters to fix it again. Once that was cleaned up, they attempted to continue again, but every time they tried, something just kept on interrupting. A spot light exploded, the backdrop kept falling down, and Craig slipped on something and ripped the train on Wendy's dress.

"Jesus fucking Christ, what the hell is going on?!" Craig yelled as Wendy helped him up.

Mr. Thallo took a deep breath and tried not to raise his voice. "Okay, let's just…try this again. It'll be fine, yeah. It will be perfectly fine."

"From line 103 again, then?" Wendy asked.

"Just…just start from wherever you want." Mr. Thallo's voice broke slightly.

Wendy and Craig looked at each other uneasily and continued from line 105 this time. "Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake." Wendy said quickly.

"Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take." Craig quickly moved to kiss Wendy before something happened but he was unable to make it when the background music cut out and the sound a baby crying remixed with nails on a chalkboard reiterated through the theatre. "Ahhh, what the actual fuck?!" Craig screamed, covering his ears.

"Turn it off, Butters!" Wendy cried, covering her ears as well.

"I'm trying, I'm trying!"

"Goddamnit, Butters! Hurry up! This shit is melting my brain!" Cartman roared.

"I'm sorry!" Butters yelped.

"Fucking Christ!" Craig complained. "Just unplug the damn thing!"

There was a crash and the sounds suddenly stopped. "T-there! I got it!" The entire room sighed with relief.

"Shit, I think my ears are bleeding." Kyle groaned. "How are you doing, Stan?" There was no answer. "Stan?" Kyle looked behind him and didn't see Stan anywhere and slapped his hand to his to his face. "Stan, I swear to fucking fuck…"

"M-Mr. Thallo?" Clyde questioned when he looked over and saw the poor guy slowly fall onto the ground. "Um, you okay?"

Mr. Thallo hugged his knees to his chest and began sobbing. "I try, and I try, and I just can't get anywhere. I'm a failure, an utter failure of an instructor! Grandmother was right, I'm not fit to teach and I bring shame upon the Thallo family!"

The students just stood there and stared at their sobbing teacher, and didn't know what else to do but just stand there, concerned. Well except Cartman, of course, who was dying of laughter. Kyle's eyebrows narrowed and he stormed back stage to find Stan hidden in the prop room laughing his ass off. "Stanley Randall Marsh!" he snapped.

Stan calmed his laughing. "Jeez, Kyle. What are you, my mom? You have to admit, that it was funny!"

"Stanley, that was not fucking funny!" He took a hold of his arm and dragged him out of the prop room and back to front of the stage. "Look what you did to Mr. Thallo!"

Stan's amused expression suddenly changed. "O-oh."

Craig scoffed. "I should have known this bullcrap was the cause of you, Marsh. I should just kick your ass right now!" Craig stomped towards Stan and started to raise his fist.

"As much as I'd agree with you on that," Kyle interrupted quickly, "I don't think it'll solve anything right now. We need to see to Mr. Thallo."

"Yeah, okay." Craig agreed and intentionally bumped into Stan as he followed Kyle off the stage to help Mr. Thallo calm down.

"You mean it wasn't my fault?!" Butters exclaimed. "Oh, thank goodness! I thought I was like cursed, or something."

"You did this, Stan?" Wendy asked, disappointed.

"I-um..." Stan looked at the ground. "Yeah."

Wendy sighed. "You are so hopeless, Stan, you know that? It's just a play, no need to be jealous of Craig because he's a better actor than you."

"That's not even the reason I—"

"I don't care what the reason was; this was not funny, Stan."

"I—I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize to me, apologize to the teacher you made cry." Wendy leapt off the stage to join the other students.

Stan sighed and felt super awful about what happened. What the fuck was he thinking? He made this entire situation a bigger deal than it should have been. He hopped off the stage and joined the other students as well. "Um…Mr. Thallo? You can stop crying now, okay? All the shit that happened was my fault and not because of you. You're not a bad teacher, I'm just a bad student and I'm sorry I made you cry."

Mr. Thallo sniffed. "R—really? Oh, thank you, Stanley. I thought I was just unfit to teach you." He wiped his eyes and stood up. "Okay, I think that's enough rehearsal for the day. You can all go home; we'll resume this tomorrow, but we have much to catch up on!" All the students nodded enthusiastically and filed out of the theatre. "Well, all except you, Stanley. You do need a punishment, after all." He sneered.

"Wow, um, you recover quickly, Mr. Thallo." Stan nervously laughed and Mr. Thallo laughed along with him and ended up howling with laughter. "Uh-um…Kyyyyle?"

"Nope. You're on your own with this one, dude. Gotta learn a lesson, right?" Kyle snorted and left Stan alone with the weirdo.

"Well, shit." Stan grumbled. "Definitely never pulling this crap again."