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First Date Hiccups

FBI Headquarters

A single light bulb swung in the otherwise darkened room casting constantly moving shadows over its three occupants. Next to the door a figure hidden from the dim light flipped a coin over and over silently watching the scene unfold at the table in the centre of the room. On one side of the slightly grubby table towered an angry FBI agent, arms folded, eyes blazing. On the other sat a restrained suspect who appeared completely unfazed by the intimidation tactics as they looked around at the surroundings with mock interest.

"I love what you've done with the place. No, I'm serious. I appreciate the effort you've gone to here, Fabray. It's very atmospheric. A hell of an improvement on last time in the white room. The neon strip lights did nothing for your five o'clock shadow."

"Tell me where the diamonds are, Santana."

"You seem a little highly strung there, Fabray. Maybe you could get Special Agent Berry to relieve a little tension-"

The figure next to the door chuckled, shutting up abruptly as FBI Special Agent Fabray slammed her hands onto the tabletop behind which Santana Lopez, alleged master thief, was handcuffed to a chair.

"Shut up!"

"You shut up!" Santana retorted immediately. "C'mon, Quinnie. We all know you've been banging the midget's drum."

"What does that even- shut up! Where are the diamonds?" Agent Fabray yelled at the suspect.

"Whoa say it, don't spray it. If I wanted the weather I'd look out the window, if there was a window in here. Isn't that inhumane or something? Maybe next time you redecorate. Loud with a chance of moisture. Oh no, my bad, that's Berry again."

Agent Fabray gritted her teeth and failed to restrain a strangled groan of frustration.

"What's the matter now, Fabgay? You don't like the word moist? Moist moist moist moist-"

The door to the interview room slammed shut behind Agent Fabray as she marched out to pace the corridor beyond and calm herself down.

Santana snorted with laughter then asked the second agent, who had been propping up the wall, for a smoke.

"Not indoors, sorry," he replied.

After a minute Agent Fabray returned and threw a pile of photographs taken from CCTV cameras on the desk in front of Santana.

"These images place you in the area just before the robbery took place."

"I was on a date. You remember what a date is, don't you? Or have you not got past fumbling in the photocopy room with Berry yet? A first date, and if you fucked it up because of your insatiable need to ruin my life and live vicariously through my hot lady lovin' I will spend the rest of my life making you regret arresting me ON A DATE. Unforgivable. Did your sub standard spying indicate how freakin' beautiful she is? I will never forgive you.

"Sweet baby Jesus, give me strength," Quinn said quietly as she rubbed her temples. "Santana, let me help you. Tell me where the diamonds are and I can help you."

"I don't need your fucking help. You've ruined my night as it is, and just because I was window shopping in the vicinity of a jewellery heist does not mean I stole any diamonds."

"Were you window shopping for a five fingered discount?"

"Do you really want to bring up fingers with me? You know you cant handle this sort of talk and you get all flustered. This could even be construed as sexual harassment. It was hot all right-"

"Shut up! I meant it was hot as in you stole forty million dollars worth of diamonds!"

"You raging pervert. Were you spying on us? Berry not satisfying you enough? Need to get your kicks in other ways?" Santana stuck her tongue out lasciviously but couldn't control herself at the look on Quinn's face and cracked up into an explosion of laughter.

"I swear to god," Quinn clenched her fists. "I cant even- Puckerman! You deal with her."

"What, no Finnessa today?" Santana asked the second agent who stepped out into the light cast by the light bulb.

"He's just returned to light duties recently. He's been off with stress," Agent Puckerman blabbed.

Santana snorted angrily. "I'll stress him all right, that fucking moron. I hope he's been neutered and not allowed out with anything more dangerous than a paintball gun. And even then I bet he'd shoot himself in the eye with that."

"How is Artie?" Puckerman asked, subdued.

"Oh, you know, loving life right now. Tell Finn he says hi," Santana spat.

Puck shuffled the papers in front of him and cleared his throat. "Let me spell this out for you," he began. "You are a known criminal who-"

"This is racial profiling."

"-was seen near a jewellery store which twenty minutes later was cleaned out of forty million dollars worth of diamonds. You were seen profiling the place with notorious international cat burglar Brittany Pierce."

Santana's scowl melted into a sappy grin at the mention of her date. "Yeah, we were on a date."

~There may come a time when a lass needs a lawyer~

The agents looked around the room puzzled at the sudden intrusion of the off key singing.

"Where's that coming from?"

Santana's eyes widened for second before she got her expression under control as she recognized the singing.

~But diamonds are a girl's best friend~

"Find it!" Quinn barked out. "Don't you move a muscle," she pointed at the almost certainly guilty party currently handcuffed to the desk and left the interrogation room. The door slammed shut leaving Santana alone.

She tilted her head and muttered, "Sugar?"

~But square-cut or pear-shaped, these rocks don't lose their shape. Diamonds are a girl's best friend~

"Sugar!" Santana yelled into thin air

~What? Oh my god, no need to yell it's not like I'm deaf. What? Came a surprised voice over the minuscule comm device hidden in Santana's ear.

"You're broadcasting on an unsecured channel which has patched into the station's open comm system. They can hear you. Now stop singing and get me the fuck out of here."

~Oh, okay. Sorry about that. Must have pressed the wrong button.A screech rendered over the speakers in the corner of the interrogation room. ~I got carried away, these things are so shiny.

"Sugar..."

~Alright, alright, don't get your thong in a bunch. I'll be there in thirty. Don't panic.~

"Your 'lawyer' is here," Quinn said, her face a picture of disbelief as Sugar walked in behind her dressed in a power suit with a set of dark framed spectacles on, her hair tied up in a bun. She would have looked the part if it weren't for the handcuffs she was sporting and Agent Puckerman leading her to the seat next to Santana where he arranged them so the two women were back to back and then handcuffed them together.

"Hey, boss. I'm here to rescue you," Sugar tried to pivot around in her seat to look at Santana only succeeding in yanking Santana around uncomfortably.

"How's that working out so far?" Santana snarled through gritted teeth.

"It could be better, I admit. But it's still my first few weeks on the job and I think I should get more credit for trying."

"We are in an FBI building, tied up illegally, being interrogated for a diamond heist. We do not have time for you to settle into the job!"

"Stop being mean. I would have us both out of here already but that Fabray has like freaky sneaky quick reflexes. She caught me trying to pick pocket her keys."

"What the hell are we supposed to do now?"

"Stop yelling at me for a start. Brittany said I'm doing awesome."

"Brittany?" Santana's demeanour changed immediately as she fidgeted trying to look at Sugar. "My Brittany? When did she say that? How do you know that?"

"She sent me to get you. She's good, like really good at this stuff. I think we should keep her."

"I think I should do a swap, you for her. Why are you wearing my glasses? You know the one rule of thief club is no one touches my glasses."

"They're for my disguise. Anyway, don't you need them to see? I brought them to you, you should be pleased! Maybe if you'd been wearing them on your date instead of trying to impress Brittany with your fake eyesight you would have been able to see what was happening and not got caught."

Through the mirrored glass wall Quinn and Puck exchanged an amused glance as the alleged hardened criminal and her assistant bickered.

"Are you sure they're ingenious super criminals?" Puck asked.

"Sometimes I'm not sure," said Quinn, turning back to the two women tied together.

"You know we cant actually keep them here. We don't have any evidence," Puck said quietly.

"I know," Quinn sighed. "Santana needs to be reminded I'm watching her. Just let them stew for a bit longer." She turned back to the interrogation room where Santana was fuming at Sugar.

"Shut up!" Santana was yelling. "Right now I have no idea why I hired you."

"You said my boots were awesome and we have the same size feet and I said you could borrow them whenever and you were like, okay then."

"I want Artie back," Santana whined.

"He doesn't want to come back. Not after what happened with Finn."

"I know, I know," she sighed. "But at least he can work the stereo in the van."

"That was one time! I didn't know there was a nitro turbo thing switch okay. God, I cant wait to tell your girlfriend all embarrassing stuff about you."

"Girlfriend?" Santana struggled with her ties as she tried to manoeuvre around to see Sugar once more. "Did she say that? Did she use that word? Answer me, dammit!"

"I'm not speaking to you until you start being nicer to me."

"Why did she send you? You're as tied up as I am."

Agent Fabray sat up in alert at the next words to come out of the room.

"Duh. I'm the distraction."

Quinn watched the women argue as she sat alone in the observation booth. Puckerman had been sent to set up a perimeter around the building with strict instructions not to let anyone in or out.

"Sit still!" said Santana, her patience wearing down.

"I'm just singing," Sugar huffed.

"Well don't."

"Shine bright like a diamond."

"For god's sake, stop singing about diamonds."

"What? I'm just excited for payday, you know?"

"Sugar."

"Aww, c'mon. You said yourself they're so stupid they couldn't catch a cold."

"No, Sugar. Do you hear that?"

Both women looked startled as an unidentified deep rumbling noise gradually got louder and louder until the room began to shake and the lone light bulb began to swing erratically. Sugar shrieked and even Santana looked taken aback as Agent Fabray ran in with her gun drawn.

"What are you doing?" Fabray shouted at them.

"Singing?"

"Contemplating the human condition?"

"What's that noise?" Quinn shouted as the rumbling sound got louder.

The light flickered as a tremor ran through the building. Quinn grabbed onto the door frame to keep her balance. Shouting and an alarm ringing could be heard coming from outside the room. Sugar began to cry as the room shook, dust rained down from the ceiling and the first of the ceiling tiles fell in. "We're going to die," she wailed.

"Sugar, move the chairs with me," Santana yelled across the escalating rumbling noise. "Fabray, untie us for fuck's sake."

Quinn holstered her gun and ran over to the women who were shuffling their chairs away from the exterior wall which shuddered with strain from the outside. The interior cladding of the room cracked under the next impact. Another impact created a hole through which daylight was visible. Sugar screamed and buried herself in Santana's arms. "I'm too hot to die," she sobbed.

Quinn stared as the hole got bigger. What the hell could rip a wall down?

A yellow painted metal frame rammed through the wall, enlarging the hole and knocking down half the brickwork which collapsed in front of the interior door, leaving the room exposed to the outside elements.

Quinn fainted.

The roar of the machine and the impacts as it assaulted the building stopped and the metal frame finally rested against the hole it had made. Santana coughed and gripped tightly onto Sugar as she squinted through the masonry dust. She could see some movement through the settling cloud of powdered building as someone climbed into the room through the hole in the wall.

"Brittany?" Santana squeaked in surprise as Brittany grinned back at her. "What are you doing here?"

"Hi. Well, I thought, we didn't get to finish our date. I mean, after you went and got arrested because you were making sure I escaped, that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me by the way, I didn't even get a chance to kiss you goodnight or ask you on a second date."

"Huh," Santana tried to play it cool, the effect somewhat lessened by the dust coating every inch of her and the lopsided smirk she was failing to hide. "What makes you think you were going to get a second date?"

Sugar groaned and shoved Santana towards Brittany then grabbed a pair of handcuffs and made her way over to Quinn who was beginning to come round.

Brittany dusted off Santana's shoulders and ran her fingers along collar and grinned as Santana shuddered from her touch.

"Diamonds on a first date. I know you're serious."

"Diamonds are forever," Santana gulped. "How did you know where to find me?"

"I put a tracker on Sugar."

Quinn spluttered as she regained consciousness. She let out a startled 'Eep!' at Sugar leaning over her, cuffing her to a chair.

"Oh hi, Quinn. Didn't see you there," Brittany said with a smile.

"What?" Santana did a double take. "You two know each other?"

"We were in cheerleading together. How do you know each other?"

"Aside from Quinn being a perpetual thorn in my side? We were at the FBI academy together. I decided a life of crime paid better."

"So, how about that date?" Brittany persisted, happily ignoring the other occupants of the room. "I was thinking we could go to the art museum. There's a Van Gogh exhibition on."

"That's like a billion dollars worth of paintings in one room," Sugar gasped from where she was tightening Quinn's handcuffs. "And you just told the FBI agent what we we're going to steal next. I mean, not steal. No one steals anything, because stealing's bad." Sugar looked worriedly at the couple making bedroom eyes at each other with their arms around each others waists. "We're not going to kill her, are we? I'm not good with blood."

Quinns eyes widened, she hadn't thought of that.

"It's not like she could ever catch us anyway," Santana snorted and winked at Quinn as she threw the keys to the handcuffs out of the hole in the wall.

"Until next time, Fabgay."

"Bye Quinn," Brittany waved as she climbed out of the wall after Santana.

"This is what happens when you arrest people unfairly," Sugar said as she followed them.

"Diamonds are a girl's best friend?" Quinn asked her.

Sugar beamed. "Damn right they are."

Quinn growled.

6 hours later

"Fabray!" FBI Director Sylvester barked at the sheepish looking agents in front of her. "You have twelve point four seconds to explain to me exactly why my wall is missing."

Agent Fabray looked up from where she had been closely examining her shoes for the answer to her current predicament and said quietly in an attempt to not provoke any further wrath.

"Two suspects brought in for questioning left via the gaping hole in the building caused by a wrecking ball crane operated by the third suspect."

"This? This is the reason I can hear the monotonous sounds of the miserable masses going about their daily grind echoing down the corridors of this fine upstanding institutional building?" Sylvester fumed. "I do not want their common business in my building, do I make myself clear? Now, fix it!"

"Agent Hudson in working on it already," Agent Puckerman informed her.

"Director!" Agent Hudson came lumbering up at that moment to the Director's office where the door was conveniently open so all of the minions could hear the tongue lashing being delivered. "The hole in the wall," he breathed out heavily. "The team are looking into it."

Puckerman spluttered with laughter trying to contain it until air was forced out of his nose with a 'weeee' sound.

Hudson blinked bemusedly at Puckerman's reaction. "The birds are getting in. I think they're nesting," he said.

"Get out of my sight the three of you," Sylvester snarled. "Fabray, wait."

"I can see your eyebrow doing that twitchy thing when you get really mad. I want you to channel that fury and use it to find them. Take someone with a modicum of practical ability with you. Not those oafs. Take Berry."

Quinn grimaced.

"And when you find them…"

Fabray looked up, hopeful. "Shoot them?"

"Recruit them."

a/n: This is a oneshot until further notice.

Please do not steal diamonds or cranes. Santana and Brittany are professional thieves with years of experience and are able to do these things without getting killed, not to mention it is illegal and you will end up in prison and it will not be filled with hot orange is the new black lesbians. Thank you.