It's really getting ridiculous, James thinks when he finds a half-eaten bar of chocolate melting under his pillow. Sure, Remus likes chocolate and Sirius likes to feed it to him or whatever it is they do with it when James and Peter aren't around. But on his bed? And they didn't even have the decency to erase the evidence? Well. This is coming to an end right now.

He marched down to the common room, trying to keep his face in a semblance of calm, but when he spotted Sirius sitting on Remus' lap in an armchair away from the fire, feeding him bits of semi-sweet broken off of a large block in his lap, he just about lost it.

His face contorted in anger, which was only increased by the fact that Remus and Sirius had no idea he was there until he bent his head into Remus' line of vision. They were entirely, frustratingly engaged with one another and that goddamn chocolate.

"James," Remus began, seeing the anger clear in James' face and alerting Sirius to James' presence.

When Sirius turned his head, a lazy smile on his lips, James directed his glare to him. "Upstairs," he said forcefully, glancing back to Remus. "Both of you."

He turned and headed back to their dormitory without a backward glance, confident that they would follow him. He entered the dorm, leaving the door open behind him, and sat down on his bed, right next to the nice gooey splotch of melted chocolate on his sheets.

When Sirius and Remus entered the room several seconds later, at least Remus had the decency to look ashamed when he noticed the large stain. They hovered by the door, unsure.

Sirius eyed the stain thoughtfully, as though he couldn't quite remember how it got there. The warm smile that flitted across his face marked the exact moment when his memory suddenly cleared. "Pity it melted," he said, nudging Remus in the side, raising his eyebrows suggestively. "That was a wonderful chocolate bar."

James could have ripped his hair out in frustration, if he didn't love it so much, of course. "This is bloody ridiculous. Chocolate. On my bed. Who knows what other disgusting shit is also on my bed." He closed his eyes and shook the images out of his mind. "Nope," he said simply after a deep breath. "I'm done."

He didn't open his eyes. After a few extremely awkward minutes, Remus and Sirius glanced at one another with worried expressions.

"You're, uh, you're done with what exactly?" Sirius questioned into the stretching silence.

James' eyes snapped open. "All of it," he said simply. "Now give it to me."

"Give what to you?" Sirius asked, puzzled by James' supposed clarification.

James looked pointedly at the pocket of his robes. "The chocolate. Give it to me."

Sirius' hand went to the bulge in his pocket, covering the chunk of chocolate inside, as though his hand could protect it from James' wrath. "We've not finished with it yet," Sirius said pointedly, challengingly.

"Yes, you have," James countered firmly.

"We've not."

James held out his hand with determination. "I will Summon it from you if you don't hand it over," he threatened.

"You really don't want to do that, James." It was Remus, speaking up for the first time since this whole horrible argument had started.

James turned his glare onto Remus. "And why not?"

Remus rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, trying for a light smile, but his face had turned very, very red and the whole effect was ruined. "Because, ah, you'd probably knock yourself out."

James cocked an eyebrow. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"There's, uh, there's a lot of chocolate in here," Remus continued sheepishly, his eyes scanning around the room, pausing briefly in certain places. "And I mean a lot."

James looked down in exasperation, placing a hand on his forehead to massage above his eyebrows. "You're not joking." He didn't see Remus shake his head solemnly.

"Well," James said, raising his head once more. "Get it all, then."

Sirius had been about to fight again, but Remus put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. They turned towards each other, immersed in their own private argument.

"But you like chocolate, Moony," Sirius whispered fiercely.

"I do," Remus conceded, "but James is right. It has gotten a bit out of hand."

"What business is that of his?"

"We, uh, we did leave a rather large and incriminating bar of chocolate melting on his bed," Remus replied with a humorless chuckle. "I think we've involved him now."

Sirius shut his eyes, nodding once in frustration. "Fine," he said, turning back to James and repeating himself louder, "Fine." He took the chunk of chocolate out of his robes and tossed it onto James' bed, right next to the melted smear.

He said it again as he moved over to his bed, pulling several bars out from behind the headboard, tossing them onto James' bed as well. He pulled a few out of his own pillowcase before turning to his nightstand, grumbling the entire time. From there, he withdrew a ridiculous number of miniature bars as well as a few blocks much like the one he'd had in the common room. They were swiftly added to the growing pile. When he bent down to crawl under his bed, Remus shot James an apologetic smile and headed for his own bed, setting to work on unburying all of the chocolate within and around it.

They worked for several minutes, even pulling a few items out from under Peter's bed. James' incredulity grew with each new bar they produced. How, how could two people ever hope to consume so much chocolate? Why in the bloody world did they need so much?

Remus pulled a final few half-eaten bars out of his bed hangings, and honestly James wasn't even sure how he'd managed to stow them there.

"Well," James said, looking at the rather ridiculous mound of chocolate beside him on his bed in mild shock. "That's um… wow."

Remus rubbed the back of his neck again, a slight red tinge staining his cheeks. "We're not done," he said quietly, looking at James from underneath his fringe. "You're, um, you're in the way."

If he wasn't so stunned, James was certain he would be furious as Remus and Sirius both headed to his bed, searching its crevices for chocolate. James moved to the door with his eyes closed. He decided this was a terrible idea, and he really didn't want to know where they were pulling chocolate from anymore.

After a few minutes, he cracked an eye open, to see Sirius rooting around in his bed hangings. He immediately shut his eyes tight, and decided to just wait until they were finished.

"I think we're done," Remus' voice came from somewhere off to the side. James followed it, opening his eyes to see Remus sitting awkwardly on the edge of Sirius' bed, Sirius standing beside him. James purposefully avoided looking at his bed, having no desire to see how much larger the pile had grown. Instead, he glanced from Remus to Sirius and back several times in silence.

"You do realize how fucking ridiculous this is, don't you?" he said finally.

Remus had the decency to nod, but Sirius only glared, mumbling something about how it really wasn't James' business. James decided to ignore that comment and speak with the only other sane person in the room.

"It's got to go," James continued, looking at Remus.

Remus' face was twisted in some interesting mixture of shame and pain. He nodded again, gazing longingly at his mound of chocolate. "I just… really like chocolate," he said lamely.

It was James' turn to nod, his anger melting into something like sympathy. They all knew how much Remus liked chocolate. And they all knew that it perked him up after the Full. It suddenly felt wrong to force Remus to give up something he enjoyed so much.

"Okay," James said, running his fingers through his hair. "I'm a reasonable bloke. I can compromise." Remus looked up hopefully. "How about I just put this all away for now, and you can take some as you need it." He really didn't want the mental images that came with that statement, but he plowed on regardless. He walked over to his bed, refraining from voicing all of the nasty thoughts in his head as he finally saw how massive the pile had become. He dug through the pile, pulling out one bar of milk chocolate and one block of dark chocolate, handing them over to Remus. "Take these and the rest will be in here." He pointed to his own nightstand, intending to shrink the chocolate down so it would all fit comfortably.

Remus nodded again, walking the chocolate James had given him over to his own nightstand and placing it inside.

"But for the love of God," James continued, speaking to both of them now. "Don't do whatever kinky shit you two do on my bed. Ever. Ever. Again." He smiled at them, his version of a truce. "And honestly, Padfoot, stop trying to buy Moony's affection with chocolate. He has enough."

"Yeah, yeah," Sirius replied with a smile and a roll of his eyes. "We'll see."

James nodded, satisfied with how this had all played out. He saw Sirius eying Remus' nightstand hopefully and decided it was time for him to take his leave. He could take care of the chocolate still piled on his bed later, right? Surely they had enough self-control to leave it alone for a few hours.

"Okay, okay," he said, holding his arms up in surrender. "I'll let you two get back to whatever it is you were doing." He pointed to his bed as he began backing up to the door. "But don't touch the bloody chocolate, okay?"

Remus nodded, and Sirius smirked, and James had a very queasy feeling in his gut as he shut the dormitory door behind him.