Dear Reader, if you are still so unfortunate as to be reading this far I suggest you drop whatever device you are using to read this fan fiction and run away.

I give my condolences to the poor unfortunate souls who risked their happy lives by reviewing:

koryanders, formerly krikinalo; CrynbuscusTheBookworm, formerly KlausBaudelaireTheBookworm; and erik'sgirlforever. Please leave now and read something happier, less dreadful.

If you do not enjoy a trio of unlucky orphans, insatiable curiosities, talk of adoption, or apple pie, I suggest you click the "Back" button on your keyboard or mobile device.

Dismal Disclaimer: I, the author, do not own either of the frightful fandoms, but the thing I do so happen to own is the pernicious plot bunny, which I have named Beatrice. "Pernicious" is a word which here means "extremely harmful, deadly, fatal." My dear, deadly Beatrice...

The Snicket in the Sand

Enter the Baudelaires

Violet Baudelaire was a responsible young adult; at least, that's what she had told herself before the accident and even a few times during the constant change of guardians. But now, the eldest orphan was doubting her ability to keep her siblings and her safe from harm, thus breaking the promise she made, and it made her feel terrible. Not that the whole situation wasn't just a horrible mess already.

After they had been forced out of the Last Chance General Store they had managed to sneak their way onto a passing bus. Of course as most sensible people would guess, they had to steal some disguises, which made the orphans feel even more dirty and disgusted with the situation.

The bus had aimlessly travelled across cities and suburbs and after a few days, the Baudelaires weren't even so sure of where in the country they were anymore. Sunny had fallen asleep in Violet's lap and Klaus was on the way to drifting into unconsciousness as well. Violet only stared out the window, mindlessly gazing at the passing scenery. Although the middle child wanted to follow in his younger sister's example and get some well-deserved shut-eye, seeing his older sister so pensive didn't sit well with him.

"Violet?" he asked softly. "Violet, are you feeling okay?"

He already knew the answer to that question. No, she wasn't feeling okay. She felt guilty for their current predicament, upset because they left Hector and the Quagmires behind, despairing for the loss of the man named Jacques Snicket who had known their parents, and that Klaus's dismal thirteenth birthday was no small potatoes.

Although, the middle child felt the last feeling was more of his own, but the look Violet gave him dismissed his thoughts.

"Yeah, Klaus, I'm fine, I'm just tired," she muttered with a forced smile. Klaus blinked his eyes and put his arm around his sister. "You should get some rest, you'll need it."

"You too, Violet," Klaus replied, resting his head on Violet's shoulder, and allowing his tired eyelids to close. The eldest Baudelaire looked maternally at her younger siblings asleep and she yawned.

"Alright," she whispered in response after a few minutes, resting her head on top of her brother's.

At the Medico-Legal lab…

Angela admitted on occasion that her curiosity usually got the best of her in an investigation and on most occasions that was a good thing. After the others had left to continue examining Jacques's remains, the artist began looking up more information regarding the Baudelaire orphans.

What she found did make her day all the more dismal.

"Mysterious Fire Burns Down Mansion, 3 Children Orphaned?" she had read first, finding the article depicting the sad tale of the Baudelaire parents' demise. Soon after, she had delved into the circumstances surrounding the odious Olaf and the horrible heinous high jacked trail of destruction that followed his and the Baudelaires' trails. "Oh…my god…" she muttered, hand over her mouth instinctively, as she continued to read more and more of the Baudelaire's unpleasantries.

"Hey Angie," Hodgins greeted, causing Angela to jump and whip her head around wildly to meet the blue eyes of her co-worker and husband. "Ah…you okay?"

"Yeah, honey, you just scared me," she said with a tired, forced smile, taking a deep breath. The entomologist gave the artist an odd look.

"Heh, I didn't know I could be that frightening," he replied with a chuckle, walking over beside her.

"It's not you, babe, it's just..." Angela glanced to the screen with the innumerable articles, and Hodgins glanced over to them stone-faced.

"You're worried about these kids, aren't you?" he inquired, to which she responded with a tearful nod.

"These children have been through so much, Jack, almost died in many circumstances, and no one takes the time to listen or to properly take care of them." She wiped her eyes. "I just…hate when that happens. Remember that deaf mute girl, Samantha? She said nobody ever believed her, because she was just a kid, that her kidnapper parents abused her." Jack nodded as he listened. "Those things should just never happen. And now these poor orphans are being framed for murder."

"We're gonna find out who did it Angie," the scientist said in a low, soothing voice. "We're gonna find out that psycho who murdered Jacques and prove those kids innocent!"

Angela looked up to her husband. "How do you know it's a psycho?" Hodgins shrugged, but his face was serious.

"Anyone who takes the time to plant evidence at a crime scene that will frame orphaned children is psychotic, baby."

At that moment, Vincent walked into the room with a knowing but curious expression on his face.

"I found some odd remodeled fractures and striations on the bone," he announced, getting the two other's attention. "I can't seem to place the cause as there didn't seem to be any sort of weapon behind it and it's not just blunt force trauma."

Angela nodded and closed the articles to bring up the Jeffersonian screen. "I can run an analysis of the bones to try and determine what could have caused the fractures."

Vincent nodded in appreciation, then looked shyly over to his peers.

"Is Dr. Brennan really going to adopt?" the intern asked the older two. Angela and Hodgins looked at each other briefly and Angela hummed.

"Well, Bren does seem serious about it, though I can't think of any particular kid she's want to adopt…"

At the Royal Diner…

Sweets, Booth, and Dr. Brennan were huddled in their usual diner seat eating dinner quietly. Booth nudged the young psychologist and Sweets glanced awkwardly at his FBI agent friend, mentally saying "Do you really want me to bring this up?"

Booth nodded and Sweets sighed, getting the attention of Temperance Brennan. She looked up at the young genius with a curious striking gaze.

"Is there something on your mind, Dr. Sweets?" she asked casually, although Lance felt extremely pressured. Getting into business with Brennan and Booth usually put him in awkward places, especially if after a fight between the two of them ended up geared towards him.

"So, Dr. Brennan," he started bracingly, and she blinked expectantly. "I've heard that you're interested in adopting." Temperance nodded and sipped her coffee.

"You have heard correctly," she replied simply. Sweets crossed his hands.

"I was wondering, Dr. Brennan, you haven't expressed any interest in the past about raising children, and from an outsider's standpoint you would be making a rash and unplanned decision in deciding to adopt now, but I know that you're not the kind of person to do things unplanned. I was wondering, what is your rationale for this decision?" Sweets stared with insatiable curiosity at the anthropologist, who paused to think.

"I…feel that with my experience in the foster system and with some of our previous victims who were orphans or abused as children or kidnapped, I can do a better thing by utilizing my resources and taking care of some of those lost kids and prevent more potential murders," she said slowly and softly. Sweets and Booth, satisfied, leaned back in their seats and smiled tiredly. The three returned to their meals, when they heard the door open. Sweets, seated facing the door, gaped and his dark brown eyes widened just the slightest.

"Dr. Brennan, Agent Booth," he whispered lowly, watching the patrons who just entered make their way to the counter. The two aforementioned partners leaned in closer, and Lance gestured to the trio whom he spotted. "It's them! It's the Baudelaire orphans!"

The Baudelaires…

"Last stop, leaving off at Washington, D.C.!" the bus driver called to the last of the passengers, who included the three orphans as well as a group of tired looking vagrants who had gotten on about a half-hour earlier. The three orphans got out of their seat and were the last to walk off the bus, in front of a long building that had words across the roof that read Royal Diner.

With little other options, Violet, holding Sunny, and Klaus walked into the diner and felt like they were a patch of red in a sea of blue. Looking around wildly, they found a couple of empty stools by the counter and sat down, their faces hot.

After a few minutes, the orphans were all tapped on their shoulders and immediately they thought of the worst: Mr. Poe, the authorities, Esme, and Count Olaf-

"Excuse me?" a soft, tender voice interrupted the Baudelaires' rushing thoughts. Violet and Klaus turned around slowly to see a young man in a suit, with dark curly brown hair and deep brown eyes and a concerned gaze of familiarity. This surprised the orphans greatly so much that they couldn't speak. "Excuse me, would you like to sit with my friends and me? You three look like you're out of town, and you could get lost pretty easily in this city. And believe me when I say that can end up pretty badly."

The orphans looked warily from themselves to the man and his associates in question, an older man and a woman sitting behind at a table. Finally, Violet spoke, "Are you sure? We don't want to be of any trouble…" The man smiled warmly, almost out of spite, it seemed and shook his head.

"No trouble at all, here I'll treat for you guys, the apple pie here is superb," he replied, calling over the waitress and ordering three apple pies, and then he escorted the three to the table, bringing over extra chairs. Sunny blinked with large interested eyes at their newfound companions. Violet and Klaus weren't sure what to say.

"Thank you, sir," Violet mumbled in appreciation, still cautious. The man in question shook his head again.

"Oh, my name, how silly of me to forget manners!" he blurted, causing his companions to roll their eyes. "I'm Lance Sweets, it's nice to meet you. My associates are Dr. Temperance Brennan and Agent Seeley Booth. They're partners."

The two siblings exchanged glances before giving tired smiles.

"I'm Violet, and this is my brother Klaus, and my sister Sunny," the eldest sibling explained.

"Nice to meet you," Klaus continued.

"Odo yow!" Sunny yelled, smiling and revealing her four sharp teeth. Brennan glanced maternally, but sternly.

" 'Odo yow' is not a sentence, Sunny," the doctor pointed out, then tilted her head back in thought. "Although at her age, words are just beginning to form and it's impressive that she uses her premature vocabulary the way that she hears others use their speech in conversation."

"Copemen!" Sunny replied, which could mean, "Thank you, Doctor Brennan!" or "I'm glad someone finally understands!" Her siblings understood and smiled.

"She says 'thank you,'" Klaus translated roughly, which made Temperance smile. At that moment, the waitress came over with three piping hot slices of apple pie. Lance smiled and thanked the woman as she walked away. Hungrily, the three orphans looked at the food placed in front of them.

Simultaneously going through their minds was this:

These people are being so kind!

But they could just not have gotten the Daily Punctilio yet. Anyone who reads that will jump to conclusions and assume we're murderers.

Maybe Olaf hired them to take us; those pies could be drugged!

But Dr. Brennan seems to be someone of high stature, there's no way she couldn't see through one of Olaf's disguises.

That pie smells sooooo good…

"The food here's good you know, we're not trying to poison you kids," Agent Booth spoke up, severing the trio's trains of thought. The three looked down at this comment, not believing their good luck, torn. Sweets and Booth exchanged glances, and the former placed his hand on Violet's shoulder.

"Are you okay?" he asked sincerely, his shrink-y instincts kicking in. Violet took a sharp breath and shook her head.

"It's just," she muttered after a minute. "It's just that we're not so fortunate a lot of the time. And we just…can't believe that you people are so kind to us without having some ulterior motive."

Sweets glanced to Dr. Brennan and Agent Booth knowingly, and they nodded.

"Baudelaires," Dr. Brennan said in a soft voice, and the aforementioned children snapped their heads up. They never mentioned their last names! "I am a forensic anthropologist for the Jeffersonian Institution, and I am the best in the world, not to brag. My partner is in the FBI."

She spoke coolly but in a soothing manner, trying not to startle the kids. "We investigate murders, and we look for the truth. Our current case is of a man named Jacques Snicket, who was found outside of a town called Village of Fowl Devotees," she continued, and the orphans' eyes went wide and panicked.

She placed her hands on theirs and looked straight into their eyes. "We have ascertained that someone who uses stage makeup and a long serrated blade has killed him. We know that you three are innocent and were framed."

Taking all of the good doctor's words in, the three children were overcome with a relief and happiness that they had not felt in a long time, and the Baudelaires wept. They wept because they understood that they were finally believed and there was nothing Olaf could do to change evidence of a scientist. They wept because they believed they had found a deus ex machina at last.

Nota Bene: I have taken an awful creative leap, I understand, in that the case which is supposed to be in Season 6 episode 22 is pushed to the end of Season 5, in the setting of this story. Again, if you are in this far, reader, I suggest you back out now.

I warn you now, reader, the Baudelaires may seem happy and fortunate with the good Dr. Brennan, but as the pernicious Beatrice continues to relay to me, this story is not a happy one. I highly encourage you to stop reading and discourage others from reading this as well, while you have the chance, reader.

It would dampen the world down more than it already is if I were to find that you readers reviewed on this story, for reviewing implies that you too reader have been sucked into the dismal tale of the Baudelaires, squints, and the FBI.

With all due respect,

~DarkMousyRulezAll