Disclaimer: The ideas are mine. That is all.

A/N: Would you believe that I nearly forgot about this story? I went onto Fanfic and saw it and I was like "Holy shit! How could I forget about Thongs?!" so yeah, I've started to write again. You lot had better be grateful. Right, so, no one else has come up with any ideas they'd like to see – I'm chalking this up to my writing already being awesomely awesome (I'm not vain…yeah), so that's cool. GIVE ME IDEAS. Ahem. ^-^ One last thing: most of this was written in the dark hours of night, so don't blame me if this makes any less sense than usual :L Bon apetit!

Part Five: Ever Wondered What a Fluorescent Green Penis Looks Like? Well Duh, 'Course you have! Stay Tuned Folks, to Watch the Most Horrifically Fascinating Show Your Eyes Will Ever Behold!

"…"

"You think he's dead?"

"He's still standing up."

"So?"

"Touché."

"I HAVE TO STRIP?" James howled, dropping to his knees in the middle of the dormitory.

"Well, whoop dee doo." Frank grumbled from his bed, "Can't you discuss this silently?"

The three boys standing in the centre of the beds – one with a Jackson Five worthy afro and an odd, green glow, one dressed in nothing but a leopard print thong and the other appearing normal apart from the way he had his tie knotted around his head – glanced at each other and shrugged.

James clutched at his hair anxiously and then started to do a seductive – or what was meant to be seductive – dance as he mimed taking his clothes off: I have to strip?!

Remus laughed silently and swept his arms wide before pointing as his crotch and holding his fingers close together: Everyone's gonna see that you're unnaturally tiny.

James glared and curled the fingers of one had into a loose fist and move it up and down in the universal gesture: Wanker.

Sirius pointed at himself with a grin, before doing a little jig and then moving his hands in a circular gesture: I have to dance everywhere.

The other two gave him eye rolls, knowing how easy the dare would be for the ever-energetic boy. Remus mimed putting food in his mouth and then rolled his eyes up in pretend ecstasy as he ran his hands over his chest: I have to eat like I've got a severe food fetish.

Sirius and James snorted with laughter, making Frank snap at them irately. They hurried out of the dorm, narrowly escaping magically aimed shoes and books from their other dorm mates—

—To run directly into an irate Lily Evans and then fall backwards on top of each other when she didn't even sway under the force of three grown boys colliding into her at high speed. Remus, James and Sirius lifted their heads slowly to see a blazing red silhouette against the backdrop of the early-morning fire some ridiculously eager first year or an overly romantic couple shagging in front of the hearth late at night must have started.

"Lily, darling—"

"Shut it, Potter." Lily snapped over James' imploring plea and making the three boys flinch at the name she hadn't used for almost a year. She glared down at them, obviously about to make some dull speech about responsibility and why-the-fuck-did-you-let-me-make-such-an-arse-outa -myself-James-Harold-Potter? The three scrambled to their feet, looking around desperately for either an escape route or a distraction.

"Can anybodyyy, find meeeee, somebody toooo…" James sang, startling Lily into silence (seeing as she was standing in front of their only exit, the portrait hole). Sirius and Remus caught on quickly and stepped up to join in, "Loooovvveee."

"Oooohhh," James continued, holding out his arms, "Each morning I get up I die a little, Can barely stand on my feet!"

"Take a look at yourself," Sirius and Remus put in as the (extremely good looking) backing vocalists.

"Take a looooook in the mirror and cry,"

"And cry!"

"Lord, what you're doing to me,"

"Yeah, yeah!"

"I have spent all my years believing in you, But I just can't get no reliieef, Lord!" James cried, prancing forward in a way that would make any ballerina bury herself alive, to grasp Lily's stunned shoulders and shake her rather violently. "Somebody,"

"Somebody!" Sirius and Remus chimed in, snapping their fingers to make a beat.

"Oooh, somebody,"

"Somebody!"

"Can anybody find meeee, somebody to love?" James wailed, sounding fairly decent with his tune-carrying as he danced away from Lily to sing imploringly to the gathering crowd in the common room, "Yeah. I work hard,"

"He works hard,"

"Every day of my life, I work till I ache in my booones. At the end,"

"At the end of the daayyy,"

"I take home my hard earned pay aaaaalll on my own! I get down," James sang, pulling an unfortunate second year boy into an energetic waltz that would fool anyone into believing that he hadn't just woken up ten minutes ago.

"Down!"

"On my knees,"

"Knees!" Remus and Sirius sniggered and winked at each other, much to the momentary amusement of Lily, who immediately afterwards went back to staring at James.

"And I start to pray, Till the tears run down my eeyyes, Lord somebody,"

"Somebody,"

"Oooh, somebooody!"

"Please!"

"Can aaanybooody find meeee, somebody to looooooooooooovvvvee?" James sang at the top of his lungs, holding the note like Mercury himself could. Suddenly, he spun in a quick circle on his heel and when he stopped, he was wearing the white, skin-tight leotard that Freddie wore in the video, his green chest on display as he flicked his afro around with sassy diva attitude.

"He works hard," Sirius and Remus sang, not seeming fazed in the slightest by James' physically impossible costume change (since he wasn't even touching his wand).

"Everyday,"

"Everyday!"

"I try and I try and I try, But everybody wants to put me down, They say I'm going crazy," James sobbed, falling to his knees and clutching at his rather large hair, "They say I got a lot a water in my brain," he tipped his head to the side, letting water trickle from his ear to oos and ahhs from the audience, "Ah, got no common sense, I got nobody to believe in, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" he turned to Lily again, who hadn't moved since looking at Sirius and Remus, who were currently involved in some sort of complex dance routine involving a lot of legs and spinning.

"Oh Lord, Ooh somebody, ooh somebody, Can anybody find meee somebody to loooove?" James warbled as his backing singers/dancers came to flank him and joined in singing, "Can anybody find me somebody to love?"

"Got no, I got no rhythm, I just keep losing my beat,"

"You just keep losing and losing!"

"I'm okay, I'm alright," James pretended to cry, getting to his feet shakily and dusting himself off, to heartfelt sniffs and awws from the crowds.

"He's alright, he's alright." Sirius and Remus sang softly.

"I ain't gonna face defeat," James sang in a stronger voice, lifting a glowing fist in determination, his head thrown back, afro bobbing around.

"Yeah, yeah."

"I just gotta get out of this prison cell! One day ("someday!") I'm gonna be free, Loooooord!" James cut the note off abruptly and bowed his head, Sirius and Remus doing the same either side of him. They began to chant.

"Find me somebody to love, Find me somebody to love, Find me somebody to love, Find me somebody to love, Find me somebody to love, Find me somebody to love, Find me somebody to love, Find me somebody to love, love, love, Find me somebody to love, Find me somebody to love somebody, somebody, somebody, somebody, Somebody find me, Somebody find me somebody to love, Can anybody find meeeeeeee somebody tooooooooo looooove?"

They slowly lifted their heads as they grew louder, James stepped forward to sing to Lily, holding his hands out to her as he serenaded her. Lily, meanwhile, had both hands clutched over her heart, her face a picture of love.

"Find me somebody to love."

"Ooh,"

"Find me somebody to love."

"Find me somebody, somebody,"

"Find me somebody to love."

"Somebody, somebody to love,"

"Find me somebody to love."

"Find me, find me, find me, find me, find me, Ooh, somebody to love."

"Find me somebody to love."

"Ooh!"

"Find me somebody to love."

"Find me, find me, find me somebody to love."

"Find me somebody to love."

James closed the gap between him and Lily and took her hands, gazing into her eyes as he finished softly, Sirius and Remus humming in the background, "Anybody, anywhere, anybody find me somebody to love, love, looove. Ooooooo, somebody find me, find me loooove."

Silence fell in the common room, but only lasted for a second. The audience, which seemed to be made up of the whole of Gryffindor house, erupted into deafening applause and cheers. Even McGonagall, who had come up to see why none of her House was down at breakfast, was jumping up and down, waving her bra in the air.

Lily immediately leapt on James to snog him senseless to several catcalls and wolf whistles and snake laughs and porcupine yawns and giraffe yodels and…well, I'm sure you get the point. So anyway, Lily and James disappeared upstairs to the now empty dorm, leaving everyone else to discuss the unexpected performance which, really, should have been completely expected given who was involved. In the pandemonium of McGonagall realising what she was doing and discretely tucking her brazier up her sleeve whilst shepherding students out to go to breakfast before lessons started, Sirius slapped Remus' arse with a wide grin, receiving an exaggerated wink for his troubles.

"Why don't we go down and break our fasts, Messr Padfoot?" Remus asked loudly, officially calling the chaos to a close. Those occupying the common room heard the newest rowdy voice of the Marauders and instantly shut up, turning to leave now that they were assure that they weren't going to miss anything else if they left. Sirius was about to feel angsty about missing Remus' usual blush and protest to the slapping of his arse, but was interrupted before he could when said werewolf leant forward to say something to McGonagall, who was still looking particularly flustered as her students filed out, and came back with – yep, you got it – her bloody bra.

"EEEEE!" Sirius squealed (and yes, it was manly. Very manly), jumping back from the offending object in Remus' hands, "How do you keep getting those things off our teachers?"

"No clue." Remus shuddered, dropping it with a grimace and wiping his hand on his robes. He planted his hands on his hips – looking very gay and making Sirius giggle girlishly – and grinned widely, "Righteo!"

"Don't ever say that again." Sirius said seriously (don't), "Makes you sound like Dumbles saying yes to a shag with Flitwick."

"Reckon we should say those dares." Remus continued as though Sirius hadn't spoken, "Or do you think you can't dance all day?"

Sirius gasped and staggered backwards as though he had been physically struck, "How dare you, you fiend, Lupin! Just for that, I dare you, Remus Jerkinhead Lupin, to eat all of today's foods and drink all of today's beverages as though you receive sexual pleasure from doing so!"

Remus snorted as Sirius stood straight again, smiling sheepishly, "Merlin, you sound like me." he paused, "Wait, is that what I sound like? I sound like a bloody douchebag!"

"Aww," Sirius cooed, enveloping Remus in a suffocating bear hug, "But I wuv my wittle douchebag!"

"And for that!" Remus cried, disentangling himself and leaping away with a flourish of hands and flipping of hair, "I dare you, Sirius Obsolagnium Black, to dance every movement thou dost maketh till the sun doth set!"

"I'm sure one of those words was made up." Sirius observed conversationally, doing jazz hands instead of planting them on his hips, "My middle name isn't Osolagnuiniom."

"Obsolagnium, you twat." Remus snorted, "Means a waning sexual desire due to age."

"Now who's the twat?" Sirius scowled. He paused to do a pretty twirl, before continuing, "For the record, I don't know what jerkinhead means, it just sounds funny."

"It's truncated gable with a lipped roof." Remus shrugged; the spell over him hadn't erased his vast knowledge of everything random and unhelpful, "Dunno what a gable is, though." Okay, maybe it had erased some random and unhelpful knowledge. At that moment, James and Lily reappeared, James dressed in his school robes again and looking quite pleased with himself, Lily looking a little befuddled.

"Seems I have the power of song." James bragged, puffing his chest out and jabbing his green thumb at himself, "I seduced the fair Lily with my gift and we've just had the best shag yet."oHoj|HHHo

Lily blinked and shook her head with a frown, "I…I don't know what happened to me. I don't even remember what I was angry about…it was so beautiful…ahem."

The three boys stared at the Head Girl, musing on the possibilities if they only had to serenade her to get what she wanted. Well, two of them were. Remus' mind seemed to be somewhere else entirely.

"She was hotter as a guy." He said decidedly, sending Lily a lavish wink. Lily swore and leapt at Remus, who skipped away with a delighted cackle. The redhead chased after him, the memory of his teasing seduction in the seventh year boys' bathroom still fresh in her mind, both disappearing through the portrait hole. Sirius looked at James, who looked back challengingly, knowing exactly what was coming.

"Dare you to strip at dinner." Sirius smirked.

"Fine." James grinned wickedly, starting towards the portrait hole after his girlfriend and werewolf who were probably in the middle of a refereed boxing match somewhere on the fourth floor about now. Sirius watched suspiciously as he went and with good reason too, as James sang loudly as he left, "It's not unusual to be loved by anyone, It's not unusual to have fun with anyone…"

"Curse you, James Honorificabilitudinity Potter." Sirius muttered as he followed his large-haired friend from the common room whilst doing the Carlton Dance.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Sirius soon joined his other 'friends' down at breakfast, having been held up by dancing down every step, around every corner and having to take a breath to pause and pant a little at the unusual amount of exercise he was getting in before the first meal of the day. He leapt onto the bench in a way that would make any ballerina green (but not James green) with envy beside Remus, wiping the beads of sweat from his forehead.

"I didn't know that so many kids here have cameras." He muttered, reaching for the sausages with a flail of his arms that only Sirius could call dancing.

"Merlin, I hope there aren't gonna be any snaps of you in that," James grimaced, pausing in the process of counting his winnings from the match on the fourth floor to gesture at Sirius' thong (Lily had come out on top, but Remus had made her faint by squeezing her arse and announcing that this was her favourite position to the whole school. So really, it had been a draw – if you're James Potter and had placed a bet on a tie in the first place so insisted that it had, in fact, been a draw), "Don't need to see that more than I need to."

"Shove off, Discotheque," Sirius sniffed, "You can't deny that I look sexalicious."

"Sexalicious." Lily repeated dimly as she sipped her orange juice, looking more than a little scarred.

"I agree." Remus nodded, flicking through the Daily Prophet as he spooned porridge (with a hippogriff's weight in sugar added) in his mouth, closing his eyes and moaning with each spoonful swallowed. He devoured another mouthful and flung his head back to cry out before turning his eyes on a disturbed James to add, "Who doesn't enjoy a leopard print thong?"

"Err, me?" James answered, his voice an octave higher than usual, making Remus snicker.

"Even if Red was to wear one?" Sirius asked with a cocked brow, doing the robot with his arms as he poured himself a glass of milk. Lily shot him a red hot glare and gave James the same when he glanced at her hopefully.

"N-no!" he stuttered indignantly, while his face told a different story altogether.

"Be careful, Black," Lily hissed, glancing pointedly between him, Remus and James, "Be very careful."

"Time for class!" Sirius shouted suddenly, jumping up and performing a flawless pirouette. Remus agreed readily as James grumbled and Lily smirked, and finished his porridge with an almost orgasmic shout. James jumped, blinking at his friend. Lily looked at Sirius sideways, pleased to see him fidgeting (tap-dance-fidgeting) and holding his bag inconspicuously over his thong area (heh heh).

"Looks like the ponce has gone loony loopy Lupin over Black." a Slytherin called as he passed them on his way out with a few others as Remus set his bowl down.

"Saw your dad's picture in the dating section," Remus called back, waving the Daily Prophet at him, "Reminded me of the time when he begged me to stick my co-"

"MR LUPIN."

"Shit." Remus said matter-of-factly as McGonagall's scandalised tones cut through the laughs in the Great Hall and Sirius waltzed off with James, Lily in reluctant tow.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

"Fuck me." Sirius groaned as he sat heavily at lunch after a half-hearted jig through the Great Hall. With a weird wavy movement of his arm, he pulled a plate of sandwiches towards him and munched down on one grumpily, slumping down on the table as he chewed.

"Not here, honey, the children." Remus said dryly, staring forlornly at the spread before him. Sirius flashed a half-hearted grin with his mouthful. Remus patted him on the shoulder sympathetically.

"What's up with the brothers grim?" Lily asked as she and James joined them.

"Everything hurts!" Sirius whined, "This bloody dare will be the death of me! You'd better sleep with your eyes open, Evans. And your sprogs! And your greatsprogs!"

"I'm terrified." Lily said dryly.

"You're not attacking our prongslets, Padfoot." James said calmly. Well, as calmly as one could when first years kept trying to sneak up with tree branches in his hair, which had proved to be stronger than it looked. He turned around to jab at a girl with his butter knife before turning back to his friends. "You've only got a couple more lessons, then you watch me take my clothes off in front of the whole school at dinner. That'll cheer you up, huh?"

Sirius cracked a smirk at James' sarcastic tone, "I'm looking forward to it, Jamie."

"To seeing James naked?" Lily asked smugly, glancing at Remus and Sirius above the rim of her goblet of pumpkin juice. Much to her delight, Sirius pretended to swoon and blush, which led Remus to narrow his eyes at the other boy with a sharp scowl.

"Hey, don't worry, Moons, you get to watch to." James laughed, mistaking Remus' reaction. Remus instantly reached for a sandwich from Sirius' plate, knocking the sulking boy's head from the table. Sirius straightened up to blink at Remus as he started to take nibbles of the sandwich, emitting small gasp and moans. James looked at him in amusement at first, but then with a certain amount of worry for his friend's mental health as he started getting a little too into it, cupping his neck with one hand and then running it down his chest, over his stomach and then under the table, where he let their imaginations run wild.

"Um…Moony?" Sirius asked hesitantly, as students started to look over. Remus ignored him, getting louder. "REMUS!"

"WHAT?" Remus demanded, putting his half eaten sandwich down to glare at Sirius.

"You're flaunting yourself to the whole school!" Sirius cried dramatically, "Sitting there and moaning like a, like a—"

"It's my dare and you know it." Remus hissed under his breath, "And like a what, exactly?"

Sirius gulped, sensing that he definitely wasn't getting any that night and the question of him getting any ever depended on what he said next.

"Ngaha."

Good grief, he could already feel his virginity growing back.

"Right." Remus snapped, standing up with a flick of his hair, "Right then, I'm going to see if Davis wants to share some chocolate with me. I'm sure the Ravenclaw Quidditch practice has finished by now."

And so he flounced off the Great Hall, to the mutters and grumbles of Sirius as he did the least effortless possible Macarena down the length of the hall after him. James and the rest of the school and staff were left staring after the two Marauders. Lily and McGonagall, however, frowned at the mess the interfering bi- uh, girl, had made.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Dinner arrived after no appearances had been made by the two canines in any of their last lessons of the day. James was busy sweating at the dare he was going to have to carry out in a few minutes. Lily was…off somewhere with McGonagall. It had been a disturbing scene to witness, James' professor and girlfriend gushing about some gooey couple together, so he had slowly backed away without saying anything.

Just when he was about to simply shuck his clothes and get on with it, Remus and Sirius entered and stalked down the hall to sit opposite where James was sitting, holding up a platter behind his head against the missiles being continuously aimed at his hair. Well, Remus stalked, Sirius sort of swayed and gyrated towards him in a manner that might have been sensual, if he hadn't been half asleep and sort of stumbling as he went.

"You ready?" Remus growled, throwing himself down, "'Cause I need a good show here."

"You're not the one who had to watch you shagging – oh, sorry, I meant eating – chocolate with Davis." Sirius snapped, performing an odd shimmy down onto the bench.

"Oh, don't be such a bloody girl, Sirius." Remus muttered.

"Chill, you guys." James laughed nervously, raising his hands, "Sirius, Rem can see whoever he wants, so stop nagging him. What's got into you two today? Merlin, you've been bickering like a married couple."

Remus' jaw dropped open at his friend's stupidity, going to say something. Sirius cut him off with a hand slapped over his mouth (with an accompaniment of jazz hand that caught Remus on the nose), earning himself a bite on the palm for his troubles.

"I think I'm going to do my dare now…" James said in the awkward silence that followed. His friends shrugged non-committedly as he got to his feet and climbed onto the table. The moment eyes started to turn on him, all of his nervousness disappeared. He was James Potter, for Merlin's sake, he didn't get nervous, he thrived in attention.

"If I could have quiet!" he called, quickly silencing the Great Hall. The students all looked up at him, expectant of dinner entertainment as the teachers looked on warily, wondering if interfering would make things worse. Dumbledore clapped his hands together in excitement.

"Thank you, thank you," James bowed slightly with a grin, "Now, I have a little…ahem, show for you all. Ibby, if you would?"

A house elf behind the head table nodded and switched on the giant grammar phone, from which the opening notes from Nelly's Hot in Herre started playing. The girls whooped at the song and James gave the hall a wink.

"Now, my fellow students, have you ever wondered what a fluorescent green penis looks like?" James shouted above the music, started to move his hips. The girls – and a flattering amount of boys – yelled back 'yes!'

"'Course you have!" Remus cheered, snapping out of his mood to help James out.

"Stay tuned, folks, to watch the most horrifically fascinating show your eyes will ever behold!" Sirius hollered, doing a disturbing thrusting thing before calmly taking his seat again. The hall erupted in cheers as James shrugged his robes off in time to the music, even the Slytherins getting to their feet and clapping him along. The shirt followed, his glowing torso blinding those sitting directing in front of him. The trousers were tossed somewhere to a group of squealing Hufflepuff girls.

"Should these go, too?" James leered, snapping the elastic on his boxers, really getting into the role. The students screamed yes, whilst the teachers sat and stared in petrified horror. Dumbledore waved a hand as permission to go ahead, much to the chagrin of McGonagall, who had entered the Great Hall alongside Lily at the exact moment as James started to strip himself of his last piece of clothing.

"PLEASE, MERLIN NO!" the transfiguration professor cried, covering her eyes with one hand and aiming her wand blindly with the other. There was a thump as James fell face first on the floor, unmoving and pants still firmly covering his green arse.

"What a shame." Dumbledore murmured, half to himself.

Sirius turned to the readers and tilted his head, "How unexpected."

"Sirius, don't break the fourth wall." Remus glowered.

"My cock." James groaned from the floor.

A/N2: Eugh. Okay, so that was a completely unfunny chapter and I apologise for that. I wanted to get an update up, since I hadn't in so long, so I promise the next one will be better. Guyysss, I need IDEAS! Gimme a review and add an idea for a new dare in and who you want to do it. Pinkie promise I'll include it ^-^