You Have To See This, a before i fall fanfic

You Have To See This

By Laura Schiller

Based on: Before I Fall

I'm not sure why I had to look through Beth Schiff's bag in the first place; maybe I was bored at that party, maybe Beth's showing off her C-cup boobs was starting to piss me off. I had that itch, that urge to do something crazy, something none of the other idiots in this boring town would even think of doing. But it's not half as fun without someone to watch me.

"You have to see this," I said to her, and her green eyes popped wide open, like I was some kind of goddess come down to bless her. When I saw that look on Samantha Kingston's face, I knew she'd follow me anywhere.

I was right.

When she followed me around the house, tearing into bags and bathroom cupboards for every tampon and pad we could find, giggling like crazy, and I knew she was getting the same adrenaline rush out of it that I was. Her face was blotchy – red and white and weird all over, just like I used to call after her – but this time, it didn't occur to me to make fun of her. She wasn't the horseback-riding dork I used to know; she was someone who liked me, admired me. Someone with the same wildness inside of her that I had, just waiting for someone to set it free.

We sure put Beth in her place that day. I'll never forget the way everyone screeched and hauled themselves out of the pool, as if all the tampons still had blood on them. Sam and I laughed until we were dizzy and had to cling to each other's arms.

There's nothing like getting away with something. I've always known this, but for the first time, I learned I wasn't the only one who felt that way.

She had this … innocence about her. You wouldn't think someone can be a bitch and innocent at the same time, but Sam was. No matter how any times I saw her laughing when I pranked someone, or even playing the pranks herself, that quality never really went away.

I'm not sure how to describe it. I don't mean that she was like Ally, who collects cow figurines and never worried about money in her life; or like Elody, who calls her boyfriend Muffin and puts on a breathy Marilyn Monroe voice on the phone. I saw it in Sam when she used to bring us outside to make snow angels, or take pictures for posterity when we went out to restaurants and parties, or bring the conversation around to thoughtful, quiet questions ("If you could relive your greatest hits before you die, what would they be?") while the rest of us were just goofing around.

I saw it long before we were even friends, when she walked down the hall holding Kent McFuller's hand, her chin up, visibly pretending not to be afraid. I saw it once when my mom dragged me to this riding competition my cousin was in, and I had to watch Sam on her big white horse, jumping hurdles in her helmet and boots. She moved with that animal so gracefully, like they were one creature, and when they crossed the finish line, her braid was undone and her face was absolutely glowing.

I can't remember enjoying anything that much in my life. Anything legal, anyway. Maybe that's why I kept making cracks about her playing with horses.

Not that it's my fault she decided to stop.

She reminded me of Juliet. I would never tell this to any living soul, not even Ally and Elody, but it's true. That's why it makes me so sick, so goddamned sick, to remember that she died in Juliet's place.

I thought for sure that Juliet was going to tell everyone who really peed the sleeping bag. It's what I would've done. It's what any sane person would've done. By the time I realized she wouldn't, my pre-emptive defense strategy had already gone too far, and I couldn't have stopped it if I wanted to. Didn't the girl have any sense of self-preservation? Didn't she realize, after five years of being my best friend, that it's a jungle out there and the only way to survive is to fight back?

I guess she didn't. I guess she had too much loyalty for that, and too much innocence.

Just like Sam.

I wasn't going to screw up this time. I was teaching Sam to be tougher, not to take any bullshit from anyone, the sophomores or the teachers or even me. I was going to keep her at all costs, us against the world, make sure she'd never crumble like Juliet did.

They were my family. When my dad left without even a postcard, when my mom married my douchebag of a stepfather and stopped even asking when I'd come home, my friends were all I had.

But if I was the head of our group, Sam was the heart. I only wish I'd realized that before.