Title: At It Again
Genre: Humour
Rating: T (language)
Couple: Implied HitsuMatsu

It was only meant out of endearment. Lately, Captain Hitsugaya had been stressing out quite a great deal, his mood had dropped, and his anger had risen. Even the slightest irritation sent the man going mad. So, his dear Lieutenant decided to remedy this. After all, there was nothing pleasant about seeing her Captain in such a state, and she felt it was her duty to try and keep him happy and content. When a brilliant (but not really) idea came to mind, she instantly informed her best friend, Nanao Ise, about it, who was the least bit encouraged.

Sometimes Rangiku had her moments and during these moments it was wise to just ignore her. Although she was very skilled with the zanpakutō, she tended to express "blonde moments" at times, and this was one of them. 'Trust me, it'll work like a charm! I just pour a little bit of whiskey into his tea, and he'll be smiling before you know it.'

'Okay, first: when does Captain Hitsugaya ever smile? Second: surely this is illegal? Drugging your superior officer? I would never even dream of it.'

'That's because your Captain isn't a complete jackass.'

'... Actually, Rangiku, he is––'

'Come on! Please. I need you on this one, and I promise I'll make it up to you.'

'Oh yeah? You really made it up to me last time. Do you remember? Blaming me for the "accidental" theft you caused. They're still suspicious that I was the one who stole all of that jewellery.'

'I only put it in my pocket for safe keeping while I looked around the shop––'

'Before stashing the jewellery into my pockets without me knowing, so I ended up leaving the shop and having security guards taking me away. Is isn't funny!'

Matsumoto grinned. 'If only you used what God gave you.'

That was it. Nanao threw a glare at her. 'I'm not helping you on this! I am one of few people who sees eye-to-eye with your Captain and I don't want to abuse that. Consider me out.'

However her friend was very stubborn, grabbing Ise by the arm and dragging her over to the Tenth Division barracks. 'It'll be loads of fun, and the Captain will be so grateful if you eased his nerves. I'm surprised he's not bald yet.'

'So am I,' Nanao muttered, reluctantly allowing herself to be dragged away.

Every morning, Captain Hitsugaya had tea, and had followed this routine since he first became Captain. Tea was always a good start to the day, making him energetic for work. After popping a fruit tea bag into his mug, Rangiku poured a little hot water in, before withdrawing a bottle of alcohol from one of her many secrets cupboards. She poured the majority of it in.

Nanao gaped in horror. 'Rangiku! No! Captain Hitsugaya doesn't drink; if you pour that much in, he'll have to have his chest pumped––'

'I'm experienced with alcohol, silly. I know exactly what I'm doing.'

'For some reason, I don't believe you.'

'You'll see that I'm right.'

Placing Tōshirō's heavily spiked mug of tea onto his desk, Matsumoto hurried out of the office before her Captain returned. With slouched shoulders, Nanao followed her into the opposite room. It was as if they were conducting an experiment on an animal. Folding her arms, Ise watched Rangiku watch from the crack in the door, and gasped when Tōshirō finally entered his office, sat behind his desk and began to sip at his tea.

'I gather you usually make him tea every morning,' Nanao said, surprised that Hitsugaya didn't question the mysterious tea mug on his desk.

'He likes my teas, yes,' she replied.

Nanao eyed her. 'He's an idiot for trusting you.'

'Yeah, well, so are you.'

By the time Matsumoto was convinced he had drunk half of the mug, she straightened up, very proud of herself. Now, Tōshirō would be much more at ease, and nice to her, and might even suggest she take a day off! How exciting. Ise, however, didn't feel as enthusiastic. In fact, she was worried. Worried for Hitsugaya. What if something happened to him? The poor man worked so hard. If Matsumoto ruined his career because she poured alcohol into his tea–– No, no she should stop panicking.

Looking around at her friend, Rangiku spoke, 'Hey, maybe you should come say "hello", see if he's changed at all.'

'Hey, maybe I shouldn't,' Nanao replied sarcastically. 'I hope you know what you're doing, Rangiku.' Although that seemed unlikely.

Just as she said this, the door opened. Rangiku jumped in surprise, nearly crashing into the wall behind. Ise, on the other hand, just stared bluntly at her, before swivelling around to see their guest. Then her lower jaw dropped. There was Tōshirō Hitsugaya, grinning crookedly, having to lean against the doorframe for balance. The mug of tea was in his hands, and after a good study of the two women in the room, he downed another gulp.

Oh dear God, Ise thought, desperate to flee.

'Hello, ladies. You–– two look fantashtic thish mornin'.'

Ise wanted to scream. He's trying to flirt with us! Desperate, she grabbed Rangiku by the arm and hauled her to her. 'You idiot! How much alcohol did you pour into his mug?' She whispered harshly.

'About half a bottle––'

'Half a bottle?!' By now, Nanao's voice was squeaking, red in the face. 'Is there a brain inside that head of yours? Captain Hitsugaya hasn't drank in his life. You, of all people, should know.'

'Do calm down. I'll talk to him.' Quickly, she straightened up, sighed and approached her commanding officer. She had to admit, there was something odd about his expression, how he gazed and grinned at her. 'Captain, how are you feeling?'

'Mm, fantashtic...' Hitsugaya dared move, walking closer to his Lieutenant, until he slipped slightly. 'Oof, hehe, you look fantashtic ash well, if you don't mind my shay sho.'

Nanao wanted to die.

'Captain?' Matsumoto queried. Oh. Maybe I did put too much in.

'Rangiku,' he replied.

Never in Hell or Earth would Hitsugaya call Matsumoto Rangiku. Ignoring the odd feeling it gave her, Matsumoto tried to encourage her commanding officer back to the office. 'Maybe you should come have a lie down.'

'Only if you'll lie down with me.'

Ise was this close to slamming her head repeatedly into the wall. Rangiku laughed, a little nervously. 'That's very funny, Captain––'

'Funny? You think I'm funny?' Hitsugaya asked, downing the last of his "tea". 'Mm, absholutely gorgeoush tat wash, quite like yershelf– 'as anyone ever told you...' Then Tōshirō slumped forwards, almost falling over completely if Rangiku didn't catch him. As he straightened up, he grinned at her, placed an arm around her shoulders and hugged her tightly. '... You have nishe skin.'

'Th–– Thank you,' Rangiku replied, removing herself from him. She had witnessed drunk men before, but Hitsugaya? That was a different sight completely. A little awkward, but amusing, but also worrying. 'Captain, I think you've had a bit too much–– tea.' Matsumoto carefully took his mug. 'You should definitely lie down. I'll–– uh, I'll come check on you.'

'You have... wonderful eyes.'

Matsumoto wheeled around to Nanao, desperate. 'He's gone insane!'

'What did you expect? You are such an idiot.'

'Ahh, Ishe, my favourite,' Tōshirō slurred, falling against the wall.

'Oh, shit, he's targeted me now,' Ise muttered, ears burning.

Matsumoto, however, was more bothered about the fact he called Nanao his "favourite". What on earth? Before Tōshirō ended up flirting with her too, Rangiku helped her friend by grabbing him by the arm and literally pressing him to her. Restricting him from approaching. 'Go get help, or water! Something to sober him up.'

'You don't have to tell me twice,' and, in a flash, Nanao was out of the room.

'Aww, we could have had shooo much fun,' Hitsugaya said, sighing happily against Rangiku's bossom. Although he had been in this position more times than was acceptable, Rangiku wasn't very keen on drunk Hitsugaya enjoying her body this way. Usually, he would have pushed her off and yelled at her. Now– now he was snuggling. Obviously alcohol made him the affectionate type. Amongst other things. Pushing Tōshirō's head off her, she considered what she should do, but he suddenly collapsed onto a chair, and gazed up at her, smirking.

Okay, she had to admit there was something sexy about the way he was sitting and looking at her, but still. Keep it together! 'Captain, I want you to stay here until I come back, all right?'

'Mm, you come here,' he growled, wrapping his arms around her thin waist and pulling her onto his lap. Matsumoto's cheeks burned, amazed her Captain was being so forward. She now sat in his lap, and he held her affectionately. God, he looked too happy. 'You're sho shoft, Matsum...oto.'

'Captain!'

'Call me Tōshirō...'

I'd really rather not. 'Captain, you're drunk.'

'Drunk with lurrve, yesh.'

Oh shit. Then, she decided to play along. After all, whenever else would she be able to talk to her Captain like this? A smile reached her lips. 'Are you? And who is it you're so in love with?'

He chuckled. 'Ishn't that obvioush?'

'Not to me.'

Tōshirō adjusted himself more comfortably, tightening his embrace. 'Do I have something frozen for you.'

... Was that a pick-up line? Rangiku didn't need to think hard to know what he was referring to, and she internally screamed. 'Don't you think you've been working me too much, Captain?' She said, brushing some hair out of his eyes. 'Maybe if you gave your Lieutenant a few days off, she'd really appreciate that and be much happier.'

'Ooh, I gotta headache..'

'What do you think?'

'Anything you want, sugar plum.'

–– Sugar plum?! Well, at least he accepted her proposal. 'Thank you, Sir. I'll leave you be,' but she was unable to. Hitsugaya was still holding onto her, eyes gentle, smiling almost lovingly. '... Uh, Captain?'

'You're shpinnin'...'

'It's your head.'

'You're my shpinnin' head?'

'Uh, sure.'

Sighing happily, he snuggled her. 'No one's ever ben like dis with me; you sho nishe, and warm. Spent mosht times alone w'out friends 'cos I wash cold 'n' no one likesh the cold. Then I met you, and you were nishe and.. and I liked dat.'

It was bizarre, hearing him talk about his past, how lonely he was. The fact her company had such an effect on him was touching, but she wondered what else he had been hiding. However, he was drunk, and it would be cruel of her to dig it out of him. 'That's okay, Captain,' she smiled. 'You're my friend, right? Friends are supposed to be nice to each other.'

'.. sometimesh, though, I gets a bit mean 'n' I'm shorry, Ran-Chan.'

What did he just call me? 'Don't worry; it takes time to warm up to people, so I understand. I guess you could be a little nicer to me, though.'

'Don't like warm but, I like your warms.'

Not sure what he meant by that, Rangiku decided it was time her Captain went to sleep. After all, he did look very tired, holding her close, and resting his head on her shoulder. Where was Nanao anyway? Wasn't she supposed to bring water? Deciding there was no point in waiting, she lifted Tōshirō's head, so he could concentrate on her words. 'I'm going to take you to the settee now where you can sleep.'

'Mm! I go sleep sleep sleepy! You tuck me in, yeah?'

'Of course I will.' But, I am not your mother. 'You just have to let me go.'

Reluctantly, Hitsugaya released her and Matsumoto stood to her feet. Miraculously it wasn't that hard to help her Captain walk from one room to the next, and he collapsed onto the settee, utterly exhausted. Honestly, Rangiku was beginning to feel bad about what she had done, but, in a way, she learnt quite a lot about him and what his true thoughts were.

'I am the lizard Queen!' He exclaimed, once his head hit a cushion.

'You sure are, Captain,' Rangiku said. What a lightweight.

Just as she was about to move away, Tōshirō grabbed her arm. 'What the––?'

'Teddy bear,' he cooed, pulling to him.

Thankfully, Rangiku was prepared for any more antics of his. She forced his hand off her arm. 'No, no, I'm not a teddy bear, Captain.' His smile dropped into a sad, lonely frown. 'Aw, don't look at me like that! I'm trying so hard here.'

'You shtay with me, uh?' Tōshirō murmured, eyes drooping.

'Of course. I'm not going anywhere.'

'Thank ya, Rangik...u.'

As soon as his eyes were closed and he was sleeping peacefully, Rangiku heaved a sigh of relief. Blimey, that was exhausting. She soon heard hurried footsteps approaching the office, and watched Nanao barge in, a glass of water in hand. 'Shh!' Rangiku said at once, very flustered Nanao walked in so loudly, almost waking him up.

Nanao stopped at once, realising her mistake. 'Oh.'

'Where were you?' Matsumoto whispered. 'I ended up having to drag him from that room to the here.'

'You bloody well deserved it, drugging him like––' Ise stopped at once when Hitsugaya murmured something in his slumber. '––that. Are you pleased with yourself?'

Even though her previous intentions were to encourage him to let her skip work, Matsumoto wanted to stay. After all, he did ask her. And... maybe it would be good if she was there when he woke up. My head is going to be removed if he finds out what I did; and I'm quite fond of my head. 'Sort of,' she replied, resting her eyes on her sleeping Captain again.

Yep, she was definitely not getting away with this one.

A pounding headache was what woke him up, alongside the most nauseous sensation in his stomach. Hitsugaya opened his eyes, half convinced he would vomit anytime soon. However, his food was staying where it was. Thankfully. Still, why did he feel so shit? Sitting upright, the Captain groaned, and closed his eyes again, before calling, 'Matsumoto?' Wait–– why was he lying down? During work hours? 'Matsumoto.' Narrowing his brows, he looked down.

He thought he felt particularly heavy.

Two large watermelons had been stuffed into his robes, giving him the appearance of a well-endowed chest. Clenching hold of a cushion, he jarred his teeth, feeling his ears burn in fury. It wasn't any old headache he was suffering, it was a hangover.

And there was only one person to blame for the watermelon prank, and his symptoms.

'Matsumoto!'

author's note: Has this idea already been done? The last section with the watermelons was inspired by a fantastic piece of artwork I found on Tumblr. If you'd like to see it, just send me a message and I'll offer you the link. Thank you very much for reading. Naturally, Hitsugaya was OOC in this and it was hard to figure out how Rangiku would respond. Hopefully, they're not too bad. I hope you enjoyed! Oh, and even though it's a little after the fact, Hitsugaya is older in this.