Title: Gray and Gray Sexuality (random title, I know)

Cast: Kudou Shinichi, Hattori Heiji

Pairings: Shinichi x Kaito

Cliché taken from: General slash fan fiction

Notes: Because this idea has been floating around in my head for God knows how long.

Basically, this is a series of satire oneshots based off of general fan fiction/writing/romance clichés that I've noticed throughout my time here on FF/reading/books.

Gray and Gray Sexuality

Kudou Shinichi was sitting at his kitchen table, eating a bagel and drinking a cup of black coffee as he skimmed over his copy of A Study in Scarlet. It was a calm, peaceful Saturday morning, and Shinichi was enjoying himself for the first time in a long time –

A loud bang echoed from the room above his head, followed by a string of colorfully accented swearwords, and Shinichi glanced up, mildly irritated. Seconds later, heavy footsteps like gunshots came thundering down the stairs, and Shinichi sighed, setting down his bagel.

The kitchen door slammed open, and in stomped the pajama-clad, tanned Great Detective of the West, who had invited himself over to Shinichi's house for a visit the previous evening. Shinichi looked at him resignedly, waiting for the long-winded explanation he was sure to receive.

"Kudou, your guestroom bed is the size of, like, nothing," Hattori Heiji grumbled, plopped down across from Shinichi. "What the hell is with that? I turned over and I fell off –"

"Okay, Hattori," Shinichi muttered, draining his coffee mug. "I don't need to hear about what's wrong with my guest room bed. I still don't even know why you came to Tokyo, anyway."

"What's wrong with wanting to visit my best friend?" asked Hattori indignantly, glaring across the table at the Great Detective of the East. "And anyway, when I heard about your new…" He hesitated, clearly uncomfortable.

"My new what?" Shinichi smirked into the mouth of his coffee mug.

"Your new…" Hattori rolled his eyes. "Dammit, Kudou, you know what I'm talking about."

"No, I really don't," Shinichi insisted innocently.

Hattori stared at him. "Damn you." He leaned across the kitchen table conspiratorially. "Your new… lover."

"Ah, you mean Kaito?" Shinichi beamed at the reddening Osakan. "Yes? What about him?"

"That's it exactly it! He's a guy!" declared Hattori, looking ruffled. "You're dating a man, Kudou!"

"I am aware," replied Shinichi serenely, flipping a page of his book.

"You do know what that makes you, right?"

"Other than attracted to a man?" answered Shinichi, quirking an eyebrow. "What exactly are you getting at?"

Lowering his voice to a stage whisper, Hattori announced, "Doesn't that make you… gay?"

For a minute Shinichi wondered what exactly was inside Hattori's head.

"Perhaps," he finally replied, returning to his book and by no means satisfying the tan detective's curiosity.

Hattori rose to his feet and slammed his hands down on the table, demanding Shinichi's attention rather loudly and violently. "This is a serious conversation, Kudou!" he whined.

"…That happens to be about my sexuality. Which, by the way, is none of your business."

"Of course it is! I'm your best friend!"

"Which has absolutely nothing to do with my sexuality."

"…"

"Okay." Giving in to Hattori's pitiful expression, Shinichi shut his book, heaved a sigh, and lifted his gaze to make eye contact. "So? What do you want?"

"I would've expected you to deny that you're gay, for one," Hattori explained, rubbing his forehead wearily. "I mean, you showed no signs of liking men until now."

"By definition, I am gay. I'm dating a man."

"But…" At Shinichi's questioning look, Hattori rubbed his eyes. "Okay. Do you like only men?"

"What?"

"Do you like girls too, I mean."

"By which you mean…?"

"You know what I mean," complained Hattori. At Shinichi's saccharine batting of his eyelashes, Hattori rolled his eyes before elaborating. "Do you find them attractive? Like… do you think Ran is pretty?"

"…Sure?"

"…"

"…?"

"Why do you sound like you don't know?"

"Because I honestly have no idea what you're trying to do, and I'm also becoming concerned about your health. Tell me, have you been seeing things lately? Do you have a fever?"

"I'm trying to determine your damn sexuality, Kudou!" shouted the red-faced Osakan.

Shinichi blinked at him. "Isn't this something I should do on my own?"

"Okay." Hattori exhaled. "Do you think Ran is attractive?"

Considering, Shinichi leaned back in his chair. "As a person, yes. As a love interest, no."

Hattori scratched his head, thinking. "Kazuha?"

"…No. Hattori, why are you asking me if I find your girlfriend attractive?"

"That British bastard?"

"What? Hakuba?"

"D'you find him attractive?"

"Not really, no."

"Uh… that rich girl. Sono-something."

"Sonoko? No way."

"Who else is there… that girl detective. Sera."

"Nope."

"Uh… m-me…?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Forget I said anything."

"I will."

Hattori rested his chin on his hand, observing Shinichi concernedly. Shinichi met his gaze nonchalantly, blinking.

"What are you trying to get at?"

"I'm finding it difficult to figure out your sexuality."

"Uh huh. I'm sure you are."

"Seriously, Kudou, is there anyone you find attractive?"

"Kaito," Shinichi told him as he reopened his novel. He was four lines down the page before he looked back up, sensing Hattori's eyes on him.

"Kudou… are you… Kaito-sexual?" Hattori wondered right as Shinichi added, "Oh, but I think that I would probably go out with Sherlock Holmes if he was real."

An awkward silence ensued.

"So what does that make you?" Hattori finally asked. "Kaito-and-Sherlock-Holmes-sexual?"

"…Probably."

This one parodies the ever-popular "I'm not gay, I'm not straight, I'm not bi, I'm [insertnamehere]-sexual!" cliché I seem to keep seeing everywhere. Although I'm sure Shinichi is, in fact, Kaito-sexual.

But anyway, yeah. These are far more fun to write than they should be, which means this random series will probably get a lot of updates. I've only got a few more clichés planned out, so if you've got any ideas, please tell me in a review, k?

Also, I'm having issues (like always) deciding what to write next. I would like to pick up Semantics again, since I haven't been writing it for a while but I now have time to, but I'm still struggling with the plot of that. A Sonata and a Smile seems to have gotten a good number of reviews, so I might consider adding to that. A Gem of a Person has been on hold for like, what, over half a year? But I still remember the plot for it. And Shuffle Romance has also been on hold, since I was focusing on finishing off Club Aphrodite (which I did – rather terribly though).

So if you wouldn't mind, could you tell me what you'd like me (Semantics, A Sonata and a Smile, A Gem of a Person, Shuffle Romance, or Once Upon a Time) to continue? I write for my readers more than I do for myself, so whatever you guys want, I'll try to write it.

Wow, ridiculously long author's notes in comparison to the fic. Sorry. Hope you enjoyed this & see you around, my darlings! – Luna