Mr. Oldman's Revenge
An M rated fan fiction
Synopsis: Based on the prank phone call routine from "The Amanda Show." Mr. Oldman (Dan Schneider) *69's the prankster (Amanda Bynes) and then attempts to have angry, bizarre phone sex with her. She lists all the disgusting qualities about him and pretends she likes them. He obsesses over her youth and her feet as well. It becomes apparent soon enough that it is not a real skit and Dan is just trying to "get off" for realzies.
Setting: the Amanda Show set, Season 3
Time: September 10th, 2001.
Theme song: GG Allin – Teenage Twats
It is the same split screen set up as on the show. There is a laugh track. The cast is Amanda Bynes (in the curly red wig) as the prankster and Dan Schneider as the hapless Mr. Oldman.
Mr. Oldman: (Before answering the ringing phone, all flustered) All teenaged girls should be made to wear leashes!
He picks up the phone.
Mr. Oldman: Helloooo?
Amanda (in a slightly lower voice): Mr. Oldman?
Mr. Oldman: Speaking!
Amanda: This is Sally Poofenduff from the Publishers' Smearing House. We are looking for pretty ballerinas. We are willing to pay $200,000 a pop for each of them.
Mr. Oldman: Welllll, I could really use that money for my, ummmm living expenses. I'm on a fixed income you know! Is there any way I go out and find a baller-
Amanda (cutting him off): You have two seconds.
Mr. Oldman: But how shall I?...
Amanda (cutting him off): One second.
Mr. Oldman: Err…. I'm a pretty ballerina! WEEEEE!
Dan attempts a ballet leap and falls over. He picks the phone up off the floor.
Mr. Oldman: Did I prove my pretty ballerinaness to your liking? Hello, Mr. Publishers' Smearing House?
Amanda blows a 'raspberry' into the phone.
Mr. Oldman: I think you have the wrong number…
Amanda giggles and hangs up.
Mr. Oldman: Helloooo?
Dan has the bright idea to *69 the prankster, and finds her name on the caller ID as "Bynes, Amanda." Amanda picks up.
Amanda: Hello?
Mr. Oldman: Helloooo?! I'm looking for Bynes comma Amanda?!
Amanda: I'm Bynes comma Amanda!
Mr. Oldman: Ooooo! Oooo! I've got you now, you conniving little tweenster! I used the star sixty nine and I'm getting my comeuppance! Now I demand it that you um, assuage my err, disgusting passions via the telling bone… or else I'm gonna track you down and molester that filthy little teenaged pussy! I've got your address right here on the caller ID-de-de…
Amanda (cutting him off, smiling devilishly): Oh Mr. Oldman, you don't have to beg! I think this will be a load of fun actually….
Mr. Oldman: Oh sweet ambrosia!... Let me begin. W-What are you wearing?
Amanda (flirty): Just a frilly blue blouse, jeans, and a pair of sandals….
Mr. Oldman (at a loss): Uhhh… How was your day?
Amanda (not as flirty): Ummm… Good?...
Mr. Oldman (at even more of a loss): Errrr… What's your… uhhh favorite color?
Amanda (getting tired of his aimlessness): Hold on Mr. Oldman, let me try to get us started… what is it that you most desire?
Mr. Oldman (instantly lecherous): I wanna sniff your FEET Amanda! Oh, how I wish this was a Smell-O-Phone!
Amanda: Oh you! Hee hee! Okay I am now taking off my sandals (Amanda kicks off her sandals)… Wow! I can really feel you smelling my feet!
Dan makes sniffing and snorting noises in the direction of the phone like a pig, in a vain attempt to smell her feet through the receiver which is at his nose. He convulses slightly. Amanda tries to hold back laughter over his idiocy.
Amanda: I love how fat and disgusting you are… now mount me you pig!
Mr. Oldman: Hold your horses! First I wanna lick your twitter!
Amanda (piquing her interest): Twitter… what's that?
Mr. Oldman: It's the spot between a girl's twat and her shitter! Twa-itter! It's like taynt… I invented it!
Amanda: Ah, Twitter… (sotto voce) I'll have to use that someday. Okay Mr. Oldman, lick away!
Although she has her pants on, Amanda spreads her legs anyway facing the camera. She cups her hand over the phone's mouthpiece and laughs.
Mr. Oldman: (in soliloquy, miming a licking, slobbering motion) Oh look at me, the dirty old man, defiling the teenaged starlet's twitterrrrrrrrrrr!...LALALALALA… LALA… LALA! Okay, I'm done… Now I wanna murder that vagina pleeeeease!
Amanda: Oh Mr. Oldman, you can't kill what's all ready dead!
Mr. Oldman: Oh horsefeathers! Anyhoo… I've forced my way inside you now!
Dan makes guttural noises and "masturbates" a la the Masturbating Bear from Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Amanda only pretends to play along.
Amanda: Rape that fucking clit daddy!
She cups the phone with her hand again and laughs as Dan wheezes with delight. She makes silly faces at the phone, mocking Dan.
Mr. Oldman (whilst masturbating): I'm gonna call up Josh Server and me and him and Kenan and Kel and the Five Minutes Guy are gonna run a train on you again! TOOT TOOT! All aboard!
Amanda (a la Mr. Bighead in the "Teed Off" episode of Rocko's Modern Life): Ooo, I'd liiike that.
Dan comes down from the masturbation for a moment.
Mr. Oldman: Now I'd like to speak with the little innocent teenaged pussy twat of the house. Can you put her on the telephone pleeeassee?
Amanda: Of course Mr. Oldman, you fat slab of pork…
Mr. Oldman: Yessss, just put the phone in your shlacks, that's a good little girlieeee…
Amanda pretends to follow Mr. Oldman's request to put the phone in her pants.
Amanda: (with the phone clearly pressed to her ear) The phone is now pressed against my hairless, teenaged pussy, Mr. Oldman!
Mr. Oldman: Oh goody!... Now slosh it back and forth pleeease!... Hellooooo?
Just prior to Dan climaxing, Amanda blows an air horn into the phone's mouthpiece. Dan falls over all funny like he died of a heart attack/blue balls. He falls across the frame into Amanda's room.
After a few seconds he comes out of this coma and starts "attacking" Amanda's bare feet with his hands and tongue. We cut to a cinéma vérité style. Amanda gets annoyed and breaks character. She begins to kick him away. Dan wrestles with her feet to try to hold her down.
Amanda: Damn it Dan! You promised not to do that anymore!
Mr. Oldman (breaking character, becoming Dan Schneider): Poppa bear needs his honeeeeyyy!
Amanda escapes his clutches, removes her wig, and storms off set, wiping away tears. Dan berates her as she leaves.
Mr. Oldman (quoting his favorite song, GG Allin's "Teenage Twats"): You little fucking bitch! You're ugly! You're ugly! I don't fuckin' care! You're a teenage fucking twat!
Cut to 12 years later, to a California mental institution. Amanda is in a straight jacket in the fetal position on the floor singing/crying the end to KoRn's "Daddy."
Amanda: FUCKER!
Mother Fucker! I fucking hate you! Fuck You!
You fat slab of pork! You fucking ruined my life!
I want to die!
I'm sick of it, mother fucker...oh...
Why'd you fuckin do it to me?
I hate you!
I fuckin hate you!
I hate you!
Piece of shit!
Why?
I hate you!
Bitter tears hit the cold floor as her weeping echoes off the walls. Nobody cares, nobody understands.
THE END : (