A/N: I struggled (and still struggle) a lot with writing this story. However, if I don't start to post it now, I'll probably never finish it. So, here we go... This is a different approach to Cal's and Gillian's relationship based on two assumptions.

1. There was a lot more going on behind the scenes than we knew.

2. What was going on didn't make their relationship any easier and might be an explanation for Cal's strange behavior at the beginning of Season Three.

It for sure helps if you saw all seasons because there will be many references (but I guess you wouldn't be here anymore if you aren't a real fan and saw all episodes at least once). In this chapter, I refer mainly to two scenes near the end of 3x1 "In the red" and 3x4 "Double blind" plus to the Dave Burns storyline during Season Two. Timeline-wise the story starts right after 3x4 "Double blind", but there will be flashbacks.

Be prepared for some drama/angst and give me a little leeway as to their characters even if I will always try to make their actions plausible.

Disclaimer: Not mine. This is just for fun because I miss them terribly.

In retrospect, they, of all people, should have known better. Doctors Lightman and Foster. Deception experts. As if. When it comes to themselves, they are not able to detect a lie even if it is laughing in their faces every day.

It seemed to be so easy. They did it before. Invented a line so that they wouldn't read each other. And despite the occasional slip here and there, it worked and is still in place (although it is getting more and more difficult these days to respect it, but that's another story). So, why not invent another line? A line that allowed them to cope with certain situations in their own way without having to bother about consequences. A line that was variable so that they could bend and stretch it, just as they wanted. Simple, in theory. Fatal, for all practical purposes. You can't change elementary particles and expect the equation to stay the same. Applied physics. It was doomed to fail right from the start.

Yes, in retrospect, they really should have known better.

You mess with my finances again, you and I are through. Now, you're the language expert, you tell me – do I mean that?

When Cal said that to Gillian, he was furious, not about the finances, not about the fact that she had frozen their assets. Deep down he knew she was only trying to protect their company. They have to operate economically, and she is always the one who has an eye on their earnings because he considers such things negligible compared to their science. So, to hell with his finances; it wasn't about money. What had gotten to him was the symbolic meaning of her action that represented her alleged I set the rules attitude. Again, deep down Cal was very well aware that his assumption most likely was far from Gillian's real attitude. However, it felt that way, and his feelings needed an outlet.

He thought he knew Gillian, thought she was the one he should worry about when it all started (and of course, he can't stop worrying about her, never will be able to stop). How could he have been so wrong? Why didn't he realize that it wouldn't be her suffering the most but him? Sometimes Cal doesn't even care anymore whether his behavior or words hurt her because she, or rather this... situation, is hurting him constantly. On some days, he barely manages to survive. Gillian, on the other hand, remains a mystery to him, hiding her feelings like a sphinx. He can't tell whether she is aware of the degree of his hurt, but she for sure is aware of at least some of the effect it all has on him because she lets him get away with everything while the staff already is starting to wonder how and why she simply sits out his unbearable behavior. As she did when he said those lines to her.

And there was more. Cal told Gillian despiteful things about how the company had been built on his sweat and that it's his name at the entrance, not hers. The words came out even more scornfully than he had planned, but he liked it. Liked how they lingered in the air between them, liked how Gillian tried not to show that she was hurt. Wasn't it usually the other way round? Wasn't it usually her who hurt him? Therefore, why should he have been worried about the pained expression in her eyes? She couldn't possibly feel as miserable as he did, or could she?

After all, it was her who had perfected this game they played, or maybe still play. Actually, he isn't quite sure these days. She would let him get close whenever it suited her. And she would push him away again when it didn't. Like when she had met Burns. Burns... a name full of bitter irony. Dave Burns had burned Cal badly or rather Gillian's love for him had. When she had gotten involved with Dave, Cal could feel the invisible fire devour his skin, burning him to the bone, leaving raw flesh. However, he had pretended to be able to deal with it because anything else would have meant revealing the extent of his hurt and vulnerability, and that was the one thing he couldn't bring himself to do.

What if she was waiting for it to be revealed? It is a recurring question Cal asks himself whenever he thinks about it, and every time it sets something in motion deep inside of him. Then again, it is always followed by the same question. What if she wasn't? And every time that's the moment he stops to think about it because the answer threatens to be too painful.

You mess with my finances again, you and I are through.

Cal lashed out with words instead of confessing his hurt, and Gillian stood her ground as she always did, not backing away from him a millimeter.

Now, you're the language expert, you tell me – do I mean that?

She didn't even seem to acknowledge his verbal attack, denied him a response and just stood there, looking at him. The insight sank in that all he had done was add another layer of pain to their already strained relationship. They both knew it was an idle threat; they will never be through.

If you asked Cal Lightman how he defined his relationship with Gillian Foster, he would have no answer. She is his business partner; that much is well-known and obvious. Regarding their personal relationship... About 1 ½ years ago, he would have added without hesitation that she also was one of his rare best friends. But can you call someone a best friend even if you are not able to talk to her about the most important thing that is going on in your life because it involves her? And involves means in that worst possible, how-did-it-all-go-to-hell way that defies any logical explanation. Probably not. No, they aren't best friends anymore these days. That doesn't mean they don't talk. Sometimes they do, and sometimes it's even a heart to heart talk like in the good old days. Most of the time, though, the silence between them speaks volumes. They worry about each other as they always did and probably always will. Yet, the fact remains that they – or to be exact, he – started a downward spiral, and they both seem to have no idea how to get out of it.

You tell me we're okay. You know I've always had more trouble reading you than anyone else.

When Gillian didn't react to his insult regarding their finances, Cal stepped up his game. He flirted with Detective Wallowski, helped her against better judgement, threatening to damage his relationship with Gillian even more in the process, and messed around with a possible female suspect after that. In a nutshell, Cal did everything to provoke a reaction from Gillian that would prove he wasn't the only one struggling with their situation. When he kind of forced her to lie for Wallowski by lying for him, he was fiercely proud of it, enjoyed their argument because – finally – there were real feelings instead of her everything's fine, I can handle it attitude that ticked him off.

You tell me we're okay.

Eventually, though, Cal simply gave in. One last effort to get to her with his silly cat and mouse quote, implying that she wasn't an equal partner, not worth to be let in on all his plans and secret long-cons. Yet, they both knew that it was wishful thinking. In reality, he is the mouse, and Gillian is the cat. At the end of the day, she sets the rules. You win, Gill, Cal thought and asked her if they were okay because he needed them to be, and they weren't, and it was slowly killing him.

You know I've always had more trouble reading you than anyone else.

Cal is so easily irritable these days, was so caught up in the moment, that he only questioned his ability to read her and not hers to read him. If he had looked closely, he maybe would have seen the flicker of doubt in her eyes. Gillian may be able to read him better than he is able to read her, but what she saw in Cal's face wasn't nearly enough to form an opinion. She is as lost as he is when it comes to them. They have reached an impasse.

Again, Gillian didn't react, didn't answer, just looked at Cal and then left without a word as his stomach turned at the realization that she might be able to cope with it and react like that forever. Then again, perhaps she won't, and he only doesn't know it as yet.

It's late, and Cal is at home rethinking their you tell me we're okay conversation earlier that day. Gillian tilted her head sideways, and her facial expression softened at his admission that he couldn't read her but needed to know that they were okay. Scientifically speaking, those are good signs. So, when his phone rings, and Cal recognizes Gillian's number, he doesn't know whether he should be excited or worried. He is anxious, either way.

"What is it, luv?"

"Is Emily with you?" Her voice sounds different, tense or exhausted or maybe both.

Usually Cal would be alarmed because his daughter is not home, and Gillian's question is kind of weird. Given the circumstances, though, her weird question tells him that there is nothing to worry about. Nothing happened to Emily. This is no emergency. Well, at least no ordinary one. Instead, Cal has a pretty good idea why Gillian asked him about Emily. She did it before, and he is not sure whether he likes it or not. He likes the implication and dreads at the same time the consequences because the times when he could lull himself into the false belief there would be none are long gone. As much as he wants it, he already knows that he will be worse off later.

Yet, it is a reaction from her after all – just not the one he was hoping for or maybe he is wrong or maybe... Cal realizes that he still hasn't given Gillian an answer.

"No, she's not here. Stays overnight with a friend." He briefly considered lying, completely thrown off balance by her call and his thoughts jumping to – perhaps wrongful – conclusions, but it all has become so complicated that he fears this lie could be enough to drive them apart for good.

Gillian doesn't respond, and Cal discerns that she hung up. Still, he is not worried since it fits a behavioral pattern he experienced before. He was about to go to bed. Now, Cal sits down at his kitchen table, waiting, knowing – and at the same time hopelessly lost - what will happen next.

Thank you for reading.

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