A/N: This is crack. Do not take anything that is said seriously XD Also, this is not really a Lucifer and Emilia shipping story; they will definitely not magically fall in love after their much-dreaded date. Basically Mao goes mad and becomes convinced that making Lucifer and Emilia go on a date will save the world. Sadly, no one else seems to agree.
Disclaimer: I don't own The Devil Is A Part-Timer!. All rights go to the respective owners.
Chapter 1: Lucifer
Sadao mulled it over for days in his head, like any good strategist. He debated the pros and cons, weighed the input vs. output, and considered possible repercussions and consequences. True, both parties had been hungry for his blood before, but he knew he'd always have Ashiya on his side if they went for his blood again (which was likely). If all the completely unnecessary "I am sorry for my ineptitude as your humble servant, O Great Mao-Sama One! I implore forgiveness on my disgraceful knees!" weren't enough to tell.
And they were all allies now. Maybe. Probably not. "A precariously balanced truce for the sake of living in peace as we try to make our way in this cruel world" was the nicest possible way he could describe the relationship he had with these two people.
He could bully one of them into going along with his plan.
The other one nearly ripped out his guts every time he so much as glanced at her.
He'd talk to both of them anyway, he decided.
But maybe to the one not-as-likely to forcibly-remove-his-internal-organs-using-a-plasti c-fork-and-only-a-plastic-fork first.
Hanzo Urushihara, previously known as Great Demon General Lucifer, looked at Sadao Mao, previously known as Demon King Satan.
He just looked at him. For a very long time, until Mao scratched the back of his head uncomfortably.
"Soo… how about it?" Hanzo just looked at him. And went back to his computer and potato chips, disregarding the presence of the now irked Sadao Mao.
"Lucifer." Mao used his I-am-the-almighty-Demon-King-and-don't-you-forget- it voice. It didn't have quite the intended effect, in his old yellow shirt and boxers, glaring menacingly at a bored Hanzo.
"Yes?"
"Answer me." Lucifer paused, debating whether or not to further piss off the positively steaming Demon King who had once punched his face in. He decided to live to see another day.
"Answer what? If I'll go on a date with Emi to save our troops and bring peace to Ente Isla? And the universe?" Mao nodded vigorously. "No. Absolutely not." Hanzo deadpanned, and the Demon King frowned at him.
"Why not?" he asked, sounding overly innocent. Urushihara wanted to bang his head against the wall, but that would require excess muscle movement.
"Because I value my innards, sanity, balls, life and self-respect."
"Self-respect? Come on, she's not bad-looking. One might call her cute. From a human perspective." Sadao hastily added, after Lucifer's eyeballs almost popped out of his sockets.
"Then why don't you go on the world-saving date with her." Damn. But Sadao had anticipated this question. Sort of.
"Because, um, I'm busy with work." Urushihara looked at him. "Chi-san would protest." Urushihara still looked at him. Uhh… "She's the Hero and I'm Satan."
"Yes, because a Demon General, specifically the one that burned down her village and killed her father, and conspired to murder her as well, is so much better." His heavy sarcasm was lost on Mao.
"Great! So you agree!"
"No. And you still haven't explained why a date, between me and Emilia no less, is going to bring peace and harmony to the world. And since when did you want peace and harmony for the world? Not that I'm questioning your goals, Mao-sama." Maybe sucking up like Alciel always did would save him. He didn't see him being forced on a date with a vengeful girl sworn to be his enemy for all time that also had violent urges and stalkerish tendencies.
"Simple. It would greatly improve the… strained relations between our side and her side. We would be able to go back to Ente Isla in the future without being killed. And she would have new allies behind her when she faces the corrupt Church."
"I think "strained" is a bit of an understatement, Mao."
"Details, details…"
"And you seem to have forgotten that I can't go out of the house. Wanted criminal, remember?" Urushihara grinned triumphantly.
"Eh." Mao made a vague gesture with his hand, unconcerned. "We'll give you sunglasses. A hoodie. Maybe a wig. Ashiya can give you a haircut and dye job; you look like a computer-addicted teenager who hasn't seen the sun in forever."
"Maybe because I am a computer-addicted teenager who hasn't see the sun in forever."
"Point. But either way, you're still going on this date. Or you will find yourself wishing I had broken your face again instead." Lucifer shivered at the casual yet terrifyingly threatening undertone that only Satan could project.
"Emilia's going to break my face, arms, legs and entire body."
"Possibly."
"Then Suzuno is going to re-break everything for daring to go on a date with her almighty savior, Emilia the Hero."
"Maybe."
"And no demon is ever going to take me seriously again. I'll die alone, an old bachelor who only went on one date his entire life."
"First part: yeah. Second part: well, I kind of set this up hoping you and Emilia would… I don't know, click (as Chi-san calls it), and then get married and settle down and you know. Children. Maybe a dog."
Poor Lucifer didn't know whether to cry or vomit on the Mao, who was beaming at him.
"Oh yes. That is perfect. AND I SUPPOSE WE WOULD HAVE DEMON-HUMAN-ANGEL SPAWN THAT RUN AROUND AND SAVE THE WORLD. THAT IS, IF THEY CAN ESCAPE ALL THE RELIGIOUS HOWLING 'BLASPHEMY! YOUR EXISTENCE IS A BLIGHT ON GOD AND HUMANITY!' AND CHASING AFTER THEM!" Sadao blinked down at the Great Demon General, currently twitching on the ground after his outburst, muttering incoherently.
"You went and read my mind!"
Lucifer prayed to God that if this were all just a bad dream, he would never scheme to go back to heaven ever again.
Omake:
Mao left a still-agonizing Urushihara sobbing "Why me?" at the apartment and went to go get Ashiya from the nearest grocery store.
"Cucumbers…more cucumbers… and more cucumbers." Mao twitched, looking down at the two grocery bags full of the accursed green things. Alciel smiled nervously.
"CUCUMBERS ARE NOT THE ONLY SOURCE OF ENERGY FOR HUMAN BODIES. I REFUSE TO EAT THIS AGAIN FOR THE 5TH WEEK IN A ROW. I REFUSE." He crossed his arms and pouted. Ashiya began to sweat.
"B-but Mao-sama…"
"I REFUSE."
"…"
"I'll eat three meals a day at MgRonalds." Ashiya's face went ashen. How underhanded.
"…fine."
If one were to observe the entrance to 24/7 Grocery Store, they would discover a young man skipping happily and singing "No more cucumbers, no more cucumbers", closely followed by a not-as-cheerful young man muttering "budget confinements" and "hamburgers".And they would hastily go their merry way, understandably terrified by senile young men of the modern world.
A/N: This isn't going to be a long-term story, probably three chapters. Mao tells Lucifer, Mao tells Emilia, The Date. Review!