Harry debarked from the Hogwarts Express, humming merrily to himself. "Hogwarts, here I come!" he screamed. "Look out, for it is I, the most terrifying person ever!" He threw his head back and laughed manically at the sky, shaking his fists.

"Harry, what are you doing!?" Hermione hissed. Harry couldn't help but notice that her face had gone bright red, and that she appeared to be trying to hide herself.

"Practicing my evil laugh, of course!" Harry yelled. The people in a 3-metre radius all winced. The boy had a pair of lungs bigger than Molly Weasleys.

Hermione relaxed. "Oh, well, that's all right then," she said. "But you're doing it all wrong, you know. Here, let me demonstrate." She cleared her throat noisily. "MUAHAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" she cackled.

Harry gazed at her in admiration. "How did you learn to do that?" he exclaimed, gaping at her like a drowning fish. (Fish drown in air, so this makes sense.)

"Trade secrets," Hermione said airily. (Of course, it had actually been hours of practice in front of a mirror, but Harry didn't need to know that.)

"You are very good at cackling evilly, Hermione, almost as good as the Snappering Snoozpoczers." a dreamy voice said.

Harry screamed and jumped a foot in the air. "WHAT THE HELL, LUNA!" he roared. A nearby 2nd year fainted. Luna remained unaffected, although she looked slightly more dazed than usual.

"I JUST COMPLIMENTED HERMIONE! ALSO, I AM HAVING TROUBLE HEARING MYSELF RIGHT NOW! ARE YOU, TOO?! IS THAT WHY YOU YELLED, HARRY?!" She continued, in a more normal tone now. "We should go on a date."

"NEVER!" Hermione screamed. They had reached the horseless carriages by now, and Harry couldn't help but notice that her voice seemed to by scaring the weird skeleton thingies attached to it.

"Hermione, I think you frightened the undead horses," he said.

Hermione looked at him oddly. "There's no such thing as horse inferi, Harry. Trust me, I looked it up."

"Oh, those are thestrals, Harry," Luna said as they climbed into the carriage. "They can only be seen by those that have seen death. Did you know, Daddy thinks that they're distantly related to-"

"So how about that date then, Luna?" Harry interrupted, desperate to escape her monologue. "Maybe if the weather's nice we could go for a walk around the lake? Or something?"

"I TOLD YOU HARRY, YOU ARE NOT DATING THAT HUSSY! YOU AND MALFOY ARE DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER! IT HAS BEEN PREDICTED!"

"…Hermione, you abhor divination. Why the sudden change of heart?" Harry said.

Hermione sighed, and her eyes went all starry, much as they had in 2nd year when she had that fixation on Lockhart. "Don't you know? You and Draco are the One True Pairing."

"Great, I can practically hear the capitals."

They disembarked from the carriage, and began the long, arduous walk up to the castle. As they, and the other students all scrambled up a particularly treacherous hill, Harry wondered why no one had made the carriages closer to the castle.

Harry, Luna and Hermione walked through a bog, Hermione still berating Luna furiously.

About halfway through, Colin Creavy came panting up to him. "Hi, Harry," he said. That was as far as he got, though, because Harry shoved him into a particularly gooey section of the bog.

"Bugger off, Colin, I'm busy," he said absentmindedly. He continued on his way, ignoring Colin's indignant yells.

Hermione scowled and rolled her eyes.

Harry, Hermione, and Luna trooped into the Great Hall, looking slightly worse for wear. They sat down at the Gryffindor table, and Hermione cleared her throat. "Ahem. Luna, aren't you a Ravenclaw?" She inquired frostily.

Luna looked down at her badge. "Why, so I am!" She exclaimed delightedly. "How fascinating!" She got up and skipped merrily over to the Ravenclaw table.

"Thank Merlin!" Hermione said, and smirked. "Anyways, Harry, just look at Malfoy! Isn't he hot?!"

But Harry wasn't paying attention. "Where's Ron?" he said, frowning.

"Oh, Madam Pomfrey took him away while you weren't paying attention."

"You didn't heal him?!"

"Only a little bit. Harry, please try to stay attentive while I'm telling you about your future love interest."

"BLOODY HELL, HERMIONE! I AM NOT, REPEAT, NOT IN LOVE WITH MALFOY!" he roared.

The Great Hall fell silent. The entire student body, and the teachers, stared at him accusingly, wondering why he had interrupted their dinner. "Well, I'm not," he said defensively. As one, the students turned their backs on him and continued talking with their friends. The professors rolled their eyes and did the same.

The rest of the feast went without incident, and Harry clapped dutifully whenever a student was sorted into Gryffindor. Ron strolled up to them just as 'Zuko, Danielle' was called, and sorted into Hufflepuff.

"Ron, you're all right!" Harry said happily.

"Yeah, but I'm rather curious as to why I'm not mad at you for getting broken glass buried in my back." Ron paused. "You know, that sort of rhymes!"

Hermione sniffed disapprovingly. "No, Ron, it's called alliteration. Poetry is when it rhymes, although it quite often doesn't, which is incredibly interesting considering the fact that many people are under the assumption that poetry must rhyme at all times. This, of course, is a complete mistake, bec -"

"Yeah, whatever, who cares anyways?" Ron said, cutting her out to prevent an oncoming rant. He turned to Harry. "Mate, where's that girl you were sitting on the train with?"

Harry didn't answer, but that was because the food had finally appeared on the table. He promptly seized the spiciest dishes he could find, although since this was Britain, and not, say, Mexico, they weren't that spicy at all.

Ron looked at his plate. "What are you doing, trying to breathe fire?"

Harry grinned evilly. "Exactly. I figured I'd try to fry the teacher in pink that looks like a toad once I've gotten used to the REALLY spicy stuff."

Just as he said that, the pink toad in question stood up. "Now that you are all fed," she began, "The Ministry has-"

"But we haven't even started yet!" Someone at the Slytherin table screamed.

The pink toad face-palmed, and sat back down grudgingly.

Once the student body had finished eating, the Pink Toad stood up once more. "NOW that you are all finished stuffing your faces, I will give you a short lecture on why I am here, and the Ministry's future plans for-"

However, she got no further, because the students, in a single minded moment of clarity, knew that they had to escape the evilness that was the Pink Toad.

In the moments of chaos that followed, the Pink Toad was hit by masses of jinxes as the students stampeded out of the Great Hall. Quite a few of the nastier curses were, interestingly enough, sent by the Hufflepuffs. Take that, Junior-Death-Eaters-In-Training! Who's evil now, huh?!

The Pink Toad and the teachers were left choking on dust in the now-empty Great Hall.