As an Avenger or anyone working closely with SHIELD will tell you, being a member of the team comes with a few rules. Rules like, don't touch Bruce's stuff if you like any of your bones. Don't touch Tony's cars unless you're willing to be used in an experiment. No matter how great an idea it might sound at the time don't walk in on Natasha's shower unless you have an invite, it turns out towels are very dangerous weapons. Don't walk in on Thor's shower; just don't you'll sleep better at night not knowing what his other hammer is like. Looking at Clint's bow the wrong way is a punishable offense, he will take it personally. Tracking mud on Steve's nice new clean floor is also generally a bad idea. Also Loki, anything having to do with him is a rule for your own safety. However the most important rule has, and always will be don't get Fury drunk. It doesn't matter if Fury is yelling at you or threatening you, doesn't matter if you think it would be funny (protip: it's not) and it certainly doesn't matter if you think you can get out of something by doing it. Anything that starts with "Hey I got an idea, first we get Fury drunk" is an idea that should be destroyed instantly. Head lock the person who says it, ram their head into a wall a few times and just to be on the safe side find a way to wipe their memory of the idea. How could something that sounds so harmless be so dangerous? Two words: Papa Fury.

Here were the important facts, no one could remember who suggested getting Fury drunk. All they knew was they worked together to spike his drinks then get him to the bar. Bruce had made it easy for them to spike Fury's coffee giving Natasha a small pill to slip into Fury's coffee that would dissolve and leave no taste. Clint was to distract Fury while Natasha slipped the pill in, which really wasn't hard for him, getting out of there without getting a boot thrown at his head that was another challenge. Thor was to find a local bar and scare off the people in it except the bar tender; they didn't know what kind of drunk Fury would be after all. For all they knew he was an angry drunk and putting civilians. Tony agreed to pick up the bill. Steve refused to take part but at the same time he didn't stop anyone. With that plan the group had gotten Fury to the bar, it was back to Natasha and Clint to get him drunk. Something about Tony being able to irritate Fury too much, Thor being able to probably down the entire stock of the bar before Fury got a single drink and Bruce not wanting to get drunk and smash stuff which translates into: wimp.

Natasha and Clint had found themselves sitting on either side of Fury who apparently had a much stronger fortitude than either of them could guess. "My head is going to kill me," Clint grumbled into the wood of the bar, "Unless my stomach does it first."

"You have no one else to blame but yourself," Natasha commented. How the hell she was still sitting straight up was anyone's guess, "I told you to take it slow. But nope, you just had to get into the drinking games."

"Slow doesn't work and we never did get around to strip poke like we planned," Clint just grumbled in response.

"Considering how you've been doing at those games so far do you really want to play strip poker and end up standing in this bar completely naked?" Natasha questioned.

"Point taken," Clint closed his eyes trying to keep himself together, "How's Fury doing?"

Clint's answer came in the form of a hard pat on his back, "Well son, I'm doing just fine." That voice, far too happy, clearly Fury is not an angry drunk, "Call me Papa Fury." There was a laugh, and it certainly wasn't a pleasant laugh. It certainly showed Fury was having a good time but just hearing Fury laugh could set anyone off, it's scary and you're fairly sure it's the last sound you will hear.

"Papa Fury?" Clint questioned turning his head to look at the grinning man.

"Yes son," Fury looked right back at Clint never losing his cheery grin that is the type of grin you'd expect to come with a knife in the back. "Have I ever told you I'm proud of you son? You're a great agent but you get that from my side of the family?"

"Your side of the family?" Clint was quickly becoming confused and not just from the fuzz in his mind. He looked over at Natasha who just shrugged.

"Yes not Mama Hill's side of the family," Fury replied with another one of his creepy laughs, "You are just a chip off the old block son. I'm so happy we're a family."

"Tash… Taaaaaasssshhhhh," Clint slurred out while slowly leaning away from Fury, "What have we done?"

"I… I think we've created a monster Clint," Natasha replied before laughing, "Papa Fury and his son Clint? No one is going to believe this."

"Natasha!" Fury yelled turning now completely towards her with the same grin, "There's my little girl." Fury flung his arms open for a hug and despite her attempt to get out of Fury's reach Natasha was pulled into the hug.

"Papa Fury, his favorite son Clint and his precious little girl Natasha," Clint smirked though that was quickly met with a glare over Fury's shoulder from Natasha still trapped in the bear hug.

"You tell anyone about this and I swear I will get my revenge," Natasha growled.

Fury let Natasha go and shook his head, "Now kids, no fighting. You know I don't like it when you fight. You're brother and sister and family doesn't fight. Now then, Natasha hug your brother and say you're sorry for threatening him with revenge."

Natasha rolled her eyes, "Fury I think it's about time we got you back to the Helicarrier."

"That's Papa Fury and I said hug Clint and say you're sorry. You do it now young lady or you can forget about your allowance," Fury threatened.

"Did he just threaten to take my pay away?" Natasha questioned then looked at Clint who shrugged in response. A quick glare for Fury made Natasha shake her head before walking over to Clint and giving him a rather stiff hug and an apology though she kept all emotion out of her voice, "I'm sorry about threatening you with revenge." The quick tight squeeze that forced the air in Clint's lungs out informed him that the revenge was still on if this went too far.

"That's better now Natasha eat your vegetables or else you can forget about getting ice cream on the way home," Fury instructed.

"What vegetables?" Natasha questioned.

"Those –" Fury looked at where Natasha was sitting only seeing the bowl of peanuts left out for patrons of the bar, "Okay, who fed the vegetables to the dog?"

"We have a dog?" Clint questioned mostly to himself.

"Papa Fury we're in a bar there so there wasn't any vegetables," Natasha replied returning to her seat.

"Oh right well then eat your peanuts. They're close enough to vegetables," Fury replied with a nod. Natasha shrugged and started cracking shells in one hand if only so Fury wouldn't have anything to complain about. However it was Papa Fury and this nightmare had only just begun. "Wait a second a bar? You kids aren't old enough to drink."

"You brought me here," Natasha quickly lied sill destroying shells with one hand, "You thought it'd be a great birthday gift. Completely your idea but I haven't had anything to drink because you told me not to."

Fury thought about it for a bit then nodded, "Of course I would and good for you. This is why you're my perfect little girl, you get that from my side of the family and happy birthday. Maybe we'll get a puppy later." Fury's attention turned to Clint, "What about you?"

"I'm old enough to drink," Clint replied, "So I came along." Unlike Natasha there was no way Clint could convince Fury that he wasn't drunk so he just shrugged it off and started to reach for his wallet to get out his ID knowing what would come next though quickly discovered he didn't have his wallet.

"Nice try young man you are not old enough to drink! Sneaking in here like this when my back is turned," Fury crossed his arms over his chest while Natasha just watched from her spot. "I'm very disappointed in you Clint. You get this disappointing streak from Mama Hill's side of the family."

"Clearly she's the fun side of the family then," Clint replied with a shrug.

"By the way Clint, when am I getting grandkids?" Fury questioned.

"What?" Clint raised an eyebrow, "You said a moment ago that I wasn't old enough to drink but I'm old enough to get you grand kids? No!"

"You continue to disappoint me Clint, how could I have raised such two different children," Fury shook his head.

"What about Natasha? She hasn't given you grandkids either," Clint pointed out trying to get Fury off his back.

"She's my little girl," Fury replied with a look of horror on his face, "Do you not realize what comes with having kids Clint? I'm not letting someone do that to my little girl without my blessing! You disappoint me Clint."

"Wow I can see where the love goes in this family," Clint rolled his eyes.

"Clint perhaps it's time you knew something," Fury replied placing a hand on Clint's shoulder, "Know that both Mama Hill and I love you but it's about time you knew that well," Fury sighed and paused for a bit, "You're adopted son. But we love you just as much as we love our actual children. But you still disappoint me."

"Gee I don't know what to say," Clint replied in a monotone voice.

"I know," Fury replied getting out his wallet, "I still remember the day we adopted you filling out the paperwork."

"Paperwork huh? Sounds like such a special thing to do not like something we do every single day now," Clint replied just humouring Fury.

"It was special," Fury pulled a piece of folder paper out of his wallet unfolding it carefully.

Clint caught a glimpse of the paper in Fury's hands, Saint Ignatius Home for Orphaned Boys. He had to look again at it before snatching it out of Fury's hands, "Tash… How? What? Fury where'd you get this?" Natasha got up after cracking another peanut shell in her hand and looked over Clint's shoulder at the paper.

"That's Papa Fury," Fury snatched the paper back, "I told you, you were adopted."

"I just… I…" Clint was at a loss for words so he did the only sensible thing to do in this situation, face plant he bar and hope you get a concussion to end this nightmare. It didn't work.

Fury looked towards Natasha again, "Natasha, remember that both Mama Hill and I love you very much." Natasha looked at Clint who was clearly checked out mentally for a few minutes until he came to terms with this, she had feeling she was about to join him as Fury continued. "But you're old enough to know now… That Fury women tend to get eyepatches, it's not just the men. So maybe you got something from Mama Hill's side to avoid that but just prepare yourself."

Natasha let out a nervous laugh, at least as far as she knew Fury did not have a sheet like that for her, hopefully the world would stay that way. "Okay Papa Fury, I think it's time we got back to the Helicarrier. I'll call Coulson to pick us up."

"That's Uncle Phil!" Fury shouted as Natasha moved away to call Coulson, anything to end this. After a few moment of bantering on the phone the general answer from Phil was "No, he's not coming back to the Helicarrier, find somewhere else. Never dealing with Papa Fury again." Natasha grumbled under her breath and returned to Clint and Fury. "Uncle Phil says he's not coming."

"HA! Your Uncle Phil is such a prankster. Well we'll just have to find somewhere else to stay," Fury replied.

With that Clint sat straight up though that probably wasn't the best move considering his condition, "I know where. The tower, the others would LOVE to see Papa Fury after all they got us into this mess."

Natasha thought about it and nodded, "Good idea."

"Of course! We need to check on your brothers!" Fury yelled.

"Brothers?" Clint questioned.

"Oh god he does not mean…" Natasha commented.

"Lil' Bruce will be wondering where we are. Anthony probably hasn't finished his homework. Who knows what kind of trouble Thor has gotten into. And Steve!" Fury yelled, "He's the perfect son. Clint why can't you be more like Steve? In fact why can't all of the boys be like Steve?"

"Oh wow you're not his favorite son," Natasha commented.

"Yeah well the faster we unload him onto our brothers the faster I can learn to start dealing with that," Clint replied. "Come on Papa Fury let's get you to the tower."

The three started back to the tower, Natasha found herself constantly having to pull Fury back to keep him going while Clint had to keep himself from collapsing into a drunken ball of pain from everything. Fury kept yelling at every guy who passed by that dare to look at Natasha. Informing them that he'd gouge out one of their eyes if they kept looking at his little girl like that and to get their mind out of the gutter. "Come on Papa Fury, we're almost there." The three got inside the tower and started towards the elevator, once inside that Natasha and Clint exchanged looks trying to figure out who to unload Fury on until he passed out. Clint smirked and hit the button the for R&D floor where Tony and Bruce had taken to spending their days. Clearly if anyone could deal with drunks it would be Tony. Once the elevator doors opened again Natasha and Clint pushed Fury onto the floor with a quick, "See yeah Papa Fury." The doors closed letting the two escape to one of the kitchen's in the tower if only to find some food and water to help sober Clint up and stop the oncoming hangover.

Fury looked around the R&D lab and workshop spotting Tony and Bruce who were both more than confused. "There you two boys are! Papa Fury's come to say hello!"

"Papa Fury?" Tony questioned looking from his work and over at Bruce who shrugged in response.

"What are my two genius sons up to?" Fury questioned.

"Did Clint and Natasha just unload drunk Fury who seems to think he's our father onto us?" Bruce questioned, "As in the two guys who probably have the largest father issues in this tower?"

"It would seem that way," Tony replied, "Fury do you need to get back to the Helicarrier?"

"That's Papa Fury to you boy!" Fury replied looking around at everything. "And no, I've come to visit my sons. So Lil' Bruce what'cha doing?" Fury turned to Bruce while Tony snickered.

"Uh trying to cure my monster issue?" Bruce replied more than a little awkwardly as Fury moved into his personal space.

"Oh Bruceybear, I know you feel like there's a monster growing inside you," Fury replied putting a hand on Bruce's shoulder.

"There is, he's called the Hulk," Bruce replied

"But you need to know I'm here for you. It's part of life to sometimes feel like a monster but no matter what Papa Fury and Mama Hill love you my little Bruceybear. I know that the real monster is the one dragging you down saying you can't do it but I know you can. I believe in you son. Now come here and give your old man a hug. Papa Fury is here for you, always." Fury threw his arms around Bruce in a bear hug, "My special little snowflake."

"I'm a gamma irradiated monster," Bruce replied.

"My special gamma irradiated snowflake," Fury stated not letting Bruce out of the hug, "You're not a monster, you're my son. Don't forget that."

Tony stared in awe and quickly got a picture on his cell of the two hugging, sending it off to everyone in the tower along with the fact that Fury kept calling Bruce, Bruceybear. Tony was trying to hold his laughter in as he did so.

"Okay Banner-boo?" Fury questioned letting go of Bruce.

That threw Tony over the edge as he texted everyone again to tell them of Fury's new nickname then laughed loudly.

Bruce just stood there stunned hoping that what had just taken place would never befall him again. For the love of all that was good he hoped that would never happen again.

Fury turned to Tony, "Now then Anthony. Have you finished your homework?"

"You did not just call me Anthony. Also homework?" Tony questioned lowering his phone and looking at Fury.

"You haven't, I thought so," Fury frowned, "If you want to get good grades you need to do your homework Anthony."

"Good grades? Earth to Papa Fury I graduated many years ago and seriously stop with the Anthony," Tony replied.

"Enough of that young man," Fury shook his head crossing his arms over his chest, "I'm taking away your toys until you finish your homework, no going outside to play either. I want to see all of that homework done and I want to proof read it before you get anything. Also no more hacking into the parental locks on the TV, those shows are banned for a reason."

"Parental… Locks…" Tony commented slowly.

"I know you took them off but I'm putting them back on and this is your last warning about it young man," Fury stated, "Do not make me call Mama Hill to speak with you, you know you don't want to deal with her yelling at you. Now let's take a look around." Fury started to walk around the workshop and lab picking things up, "These things are much too dangerous for boys your age! These chemicals are dangerous and these tools! What did I say about these? You two can have them when you're older."

"But my stuff," Tony replied as Fury took the tools away.

"My chemicals!" Bruce yelled.

"You can have a new chemistry set when you're older," Fury stated again, "Now you stop your pouting about them and go outside and play with your brothers!"

"It's 1am…" Bruce commented, "going outside to play seems like a bad idea."

"Wait, he can go outside but I'm stuck doing homework?" Tony questioned.

"Banner-boo finished his homework," Fury replied, "And what? 1am? It's past your bedtime! You know you get grumpy when you don't get to bed on time. Now march young man up to your room and straight to bed. But don't forget to brush your teeth."

Bruce looked at Tony who shrugged and questioned, "Take him to Thor to deal with?"

"Sounds like a plan," Bruce nodded in agreement. Both walked up to Fury and linked arms with him starting to drag him to the elevator. Once inside Bruce hit the button for Thor's floor.

"Alright, I suppose I can come read you two a bed time story since clearly you want one and of course tuck you in," Fury nodded, "But then you both better get some sleep."

"We think Thor wants to see you," Tony replied, "I'll make sure Bruceybear gets to bed and that the homework gets done Papa Fury. I'll even read Banner-boo a story." Bruce glared but didn't say anything towards Tony, though if looks could kill Tony would probably no longer exist, at all. In fact any Tony in other dimensions, if one was to believe the theories of Reed Richards, would be dead.

"Well I do need to speak with Thor," Fury agreed, "Make sure my Lil' Bruce brushes his teeth and is comfortable. Bruceybear remember to remind Tony about his homework." The elevator doors couldn't open fast enough for Bruce. As they did Fury looked at both Bruce and Tony, "Now come give Papa Fury a hug good night before you go." Clearly there was no actual time for them to come Fury just squeezed them both in a bear hug for a while, far too long for either them and certainly very awkward. Fury finally let go and got off on Thor's floor.

Fury looked around for Thor, "Thor? Papa Fury's here."

"Ah Fury!" Thor walked into view and over towards Fury with his usual grin, "Come we are celebrating this great night!"

"Are we? It's fairly Thor, you should be getting ready for bed. You know Mama Hill doesn't like it when you stay up late. Also it's Papa Fury," Fury commented.

"Papa Fury? You Midgardian customs of these names confuse me," Thor replied, "But it is a most great night, Loki is here!"

"Loki? That no good son of mine," Fury grumbled, "I'll put him in his place this time."

"Son? Fury you are mistaken!" Thor replied.

"Come Thor and once again it's Papa Fury," Fury replied, "We'll deal with that troublesome brother and then I will teach you how to shave! No son of mine will have a shaggy beard that makes him seem homeless!" Fury started further into Thor's floor the confused Thor following him until he spotted Loki. "Loki!" Fury noticed the long hair instantly, "Thor get me the scissors. Loki you're going to get your hair cut right now. No son of mine will have that hippie hair!"

Loki raised an eyebrow at Fury and at his brother, "What is going on? Has something messed with the midgardian's head?"

"He seems to want to be called Papa Fury," Thor replied, "He is referring to me as his son. Perhaps it is his way of showing us that I am welcomed here as one of his family! It is a great honor I'm sure."

"You are family Thor, you are my son," Fury replied, "And we will trim that beard. As for you Loki, any of those magic pranks and I swear you are getting a one way trip to military school. Do not make Papa Fury do that to you son."

"Ha! Brother he has accepted you into his family as well," Thor grinned, "Papa Fury I do not believe Loki finds your jokes very amusing. I do not think he wishes to have you cut his hair or sending him to this military school you speak of."

"They're not jokes," Fury replied, "Papa Fury's word is law when it comes to my sons."

"Thor…" Loki looked at his brother with a slight glare, "did you help the others get him drunk?"

"Ah, perhaps?" Thor replied with a shrug, "T'was all in good fun brother!"

"…That would explain this." Loki replied, "Who was supposed to be watching him while he was drinking?"

"Ah I believe that honor went to Clint and Natasha," Thor replied with a nod, "I'm sure of it."

"And where are they?" Loki questioned.

Thor shrugged, "It would seem they are not here. But come let us join in this midgardian custom and enjoy the comforts of Papa Fury!"

"Good come Thor first you'll shave then you'll help me cut that hair," Fury nodded leading Thor to a washroom. Loki grumbled and put his efforts in figuring out where Natasha and Clint were hiding, this was their problem not his. A few moments passed before Fury yelled from the washroom, "Ah finished, well done Thor. You make me proud let's cut Loki's hair then you two can have some milk and cookies before going to bed."

"Excellent Papa Fury!" Thor replied.

Loki froze in place as they returned quickly thinking about how to avoid any humiliation at the hands of Fury without upsetting anyone in the tower including his brother. That meant hurting the man, making him explode, teleporting him to a volcano and many other options were out of the question. Loki looked at Fury and Thor as they came back into view and gave a sly smirk. "Natasha and Clint were looking for you Papa Fury. They need to see you right away."

"One of my sons and my little girl need to see me?" Fury questioned, "Then I must go to them at once."

"I'll take you to them," Loki agreed heading for the elevator, anything to be rid of Fury. Thor joined them with his usual grin. Once more Fury was taken to another floor and shoved out of the elevator. Thor went to follow him but Loki grabbed him and pulled him back, "Anyone ever asks you to get that man drunk again, you say no."

"But it was all in good fun brother!" Thor replied.

"Once again, no," Loki glared returning to Thor's floor.

Fury looked around heading towards the kitchen where he could hear Natasha and Clint chatting, "There's my little girl and my son!" Fury grinned as Natasha and Clint just looked shocked.

"I thought Tony could deal with him," Clint muttered.

"Or that Bruce would be kind enough not to subject us to another round," Natasha added.

"Okay after getting those texts and that picture from Tony I think we can officially say that Banner-boo feels no sympathy towards us," Clint replied.

"Least short of "little girl" he doesn't give us pet names," Natasha grumbled.

"Hawkbear! My little Hawk Nose, Clintywinty, " Fury wrapped one arm around Clint before he could escape pulling him into a hug and quickly got Natasha with his other one. "And my little girl, my precious little princess, my Little Widow."

"I blame you for this," Clint muttered.

"I blame me too," Natasha admitted, "Papa Fury, I thought you were spending time with Tony and Lil' Bruce."

"Tony is putting Banner-boo to bed, then I helped Thor but I heard you two needed me so I came right away," Fury replied.

Clint snickered a bit at the Banner-boo, "He is never living that down."

"We are talking about the guy who turns into a big green monster and will hurt you," Natasha replied.

"I can still enjoy it from a safe distance," Clint replied.

"I will tell him about you being Clintywinty," Natasha replied.

"Why are you taking his side? It's not funny." Clint grumbled.

"Now I see why you two needed me," Fury let both Natasha and Clint go, "You know I don't know why you two don't work things out and end up together. It's not incest if you're adopted, Clint. I will give you permission to go on one date with my little girl but when you do you need to have her home by 10."

"Please tell me this isn't happening," Clint grumbled.

"And Natasha I saw those pictures from that photo-shoot you did, I'm very disappointed," Fury crossed his arms over his chest.

"You ordered me to do those," Natasha replied.

"I caught some of the agents with them. Don't worry, I destroyed them. No one does that to pictures of my little girl," Fury commented, "However you're grounded until further noticed. I expect you back to the Helicarrier by 8 young lady!"

"What about that date with Clint you said I could stay until 10 with him," Natasha questioned looking at Clint for back up.

"Okay when you say "them" do you mean the pictures or the agents?" Clint questioned.

"We'll discuss the date night when it come up and that's one date! In fact I will chaperone that date for you two just to make sure it goes fine," Fury stated before looking at the two and letting out a sigh, "You two are growing up so fast." He sat down and got his wallet out again, "I remember when you were kids, you were so cute."

Clint looked over Fury's shoulder, "Uh Tash… When did Fury get pictures of us when we were kids?"

Natasha looked over Fury's other shoulder at the pictures in Fury's wallet. Somehow he had obtained pictures of almost everyone as kids, though if he couldn't get actual pictures of them it seemed he convinced others to dress up as them and pretend to be kids for pictures. "I… This is creepy."

"But since you two are growing up so fast I think it's time. Clint, have a seat. Natasha you too, Mama Hill doesn't want to have this talk with you so I will. I might as well do both of yours at the same time."

"He's not," Clint commented looking at Natasha as he sat down still a little off by the fact Fury had pictures in his wallet of him.

"Now your bodies are changing. It's completely natural but you'll have certain urges as this happens," Fury continued.

"He is," Natasha nodded sitting down beside Clint completely terrified of what was coming, "he's giving us the sex talk."

"What's important is to know how to deal with these urges. Clint hand me that banana so I can show you how to do this and show Natasha what she needs to be ready for," Fury held his hand out for the banana.

"This… This can't get any worse," Clint muttered handing Fury the banana knowing he wasn't going to leave this alone.

"Now another way you can deal with the urges on your own is to…" Fury continued droning on.

"Nope… Just got worse," Natasha replied completely horrified about this. Not about the sex talk, just the fact that Fury was giving it to them.

"Now if anyone tries anything without asking me for my blessing first then I will get my shot gun and hunt them down," Fury replied, "No one does anything to my kids without my consent! But now let's talk about safety."

"Natasha… Let's agree to never, ever let Fury get drunk again," Clint commented.

"I will personally kill whoever tries," Natasha agreed.

"You two better be paying attention you need to know this," Fury looked at both them clearly not approving of their talking during his talk.

Clint stared slightly disturbed at watching Fury put a condom on the banana, "…Well I was going to eat that to lower my chances of a hangover but I don't hate myself nearly enough to attempt that now."

"Agent Coulson," Fury greeted the man as he stepped off the Quinjet and onto the Helicarrier quickly heading inside as the agent walked beside him.

"Good morning Director, I trust everything went as planned last night?" Agent Coulson questioned.

"The nano-bots worked perfectly," Fury replied, "Sober the entire night. You played your part well in convincing Agent Romanov that you weren't going to get me."

"It wasn't exactly hard sir," Agent Coulson replied, "A few threats, and general refusal goes a long way in my case."

"I'm glad it does," Fury replied.

"None of them will try to drink with you again?" Coulson questioned.

"Agent Romanov and Agent Barton intend to do everything they can to make sure no one else tries a stupid stunt like that," Fury replied with a smirk, "Now the only way I'm getting drunk is alone and on my terms."

"I don't know sir, last time you called me up when you were drunk that was an insane party with a lot of people," Coulson replied.

"It was on my terms," Fury stated again, "and that is still our secret Agent Coulson."

((Disclaimer: Do not own characters, they all belong to Marvel))