Author's Note: Let's face it, this was inevitable.

Chapter 1: SIE SIND DAS ESSEN UND WIR SIND DIE JÄGER

Haruka Jaegar was a boy of simple but unusual tastes.

He liked swimming, for one. He really liked swimming.

He was born three months late, because he did not want to leave the womb. When he was two, he almost died when he jumped into the soup pot (thankfully, there had been a crippling shortage of firewood at the time and the soup was not hot enough to kill him). When he was three, his family was banned from the local church after a baptism incident. When he was four, he tried returning to the womb again. Any womb. Several lawsuits ensued.

At age six he was grounded for leaving the water hose running for several days. His reason? "I want to turn Shiganshina into a giant pool."

At age eight he was rescued from a well. Against his will.

His other taste was homicide. But we'll get to that later.

Now he was ten years old and dreaming wistfully about the outside world and all the virgin waters he had not swum in yet.

"Are you done gathering firewood?"

"Huh?" he was shaken from his pool dream by his doe-eyed adopted sibling, Mikasa.

She sighed. "Let me guess. You went swimming in the river instead."

"Yes."

"You're completely useless, Haruka."

"My mind is like a pool, Mikasa. Clear. Deep. Bleached. I don't expect you to understand."

Mikasa rolled her eyes, and then noticed something. "Why are you on the ground crying? Did you forget how to walk on land again?"

He did.

"Am I really crying?" He lifted a hand to his cheek. "Oh no! Mikasa! Help me find my tears!" He flipped over on all fours and began frantically digging through the dirt.

She sighed. "You always do this. You'll never recover water that's been seeped into the ground."

"Oh yeah, just like you never take off that scarf."

"Just like you never take off your swimsuit."

Haruka squinted.

Later that day, Haruka and Mikasa sat down to eat lunch in their quaint little house. Upon sitting down, Haruka deliberately upended his cup of water unto the table. Then he splashed his hands around the puddle for a few seconds before rubbing his face all over it. When he was done, he took Mikasa's cup of water and spilled it all over his chest and down his pants. This was a normal occurrence in the Jaeger household and no one questioned nor acknowledged it.

Haruka's father, Dr. Grisha Jaeger, was reading Wall Maria's popular newspaper, the Wall Street Maria (featured article, "Man Thinks About Going Outside. Doesn't.") His wife, Carla Jaeger, stood cooking the usual fish stew. Despite the lack of seafood outside Wall Rose, Haruka refused to eat anything that did not swim. Carla had been forced to take on a day job cleaning bird poop off of Wall Maria to be able to afford it. It was a daunting and infinitely endless task, but at least it was steady work.

"Thank you for the firewood, children," said Dr. Jaeger during lunch. "How was your day?"

"Haruka wants to join the Survey Corps."

Carla dropped the ladle on the floor. "What?"

"Ah dammit Mikasa, why'd you tell them?"

"You will absolutely not!" His mother was livid and nearly threw the ladle drawer open to get another ladle. "Do you have any idea how many people die on those missions?"

"I can't stay here my whole life!" shouted Haruka. "Not when there are other bodies of water I must experience!"

"I said no!"

Haruka slammed his fist on the table. "You might as well hang a net around my neck, Mom!"

"That's not how nets work!" Carla turned to her husband. "Talk some sense into him!"

"You want me to talk sense into a boy who thinks it's acceptable to swim in the drainage from factory down the street?"

"To be fair," interjected Haruka, "I wouldn't have done it if they didn't ban me from the community pool."

Carla rubbed the bridge of her nose. "You wouldn't have been banned if you didn't violently murder that boy."

"HE PEED IN THE POOL, MOM! He peed in the pool!"

"Alright, that is my cue to leave." Dr. Jaeger got up. "Please try to behave, Haruka. I might let you see what's in the basement once I return."

"Really, Father?" Haruka's face lit up. "You'll let me flood the basement?"

Dr. Jaeger debated on whether or not he should respond. In the end, he left without another word.

It was a Tuesday afternoon. Haruka ran out of the house after the usual argument with his mother, Mikasa followed him out as usual, and also as usual they both had to save Armin from a group of bullies. Well, Mikasa did. Haruka was as good as beating up bullies as he was at not swimming.

"Those guys were just jerks, Armin," said Haruka as the three of them sat down on some stone steps. "They were like… evaporation. I hate evaporation."

"As usual, Haruka, you have a good heart but not enough dimension," said Armin affectionately.

"Who told you about my dementia?" hissed Haruka.

"He said 'dimension,' idiot,'" said Mikasa.

"Oh."

Mikasa turned to Armin. "Why were they bullying you again?"

"I tried to explain math to them again and I don't know, they got really mad."

"Oh, Armin."

The three of them looked over to the playground of small children playing with their parents.

"People don't seem to realize how important it is to arm themselves with knowledge," said Armin, "especially when it comes to the outside world."

"But most people don't want to leave," said Mikasa.

"That's because they think the wall will protect them if they stay inside." Armin glanced up at the wall. "But the fact that it's been peaceful for a hundred years does not guarantee the walls won't break today."

"God, Armin, you say that every day."

"I'm just saying!"

It was then that they felt an ear-splitting explosion in the distance, one that caused the ground to toss everyone in the vicinity up about two feet.

"Wha… what was that?"

They got up and ran towards the noise, many other Wall Maria residents following suit. And what they saw made them stand still and hold their breaths. Haruka was very good at holding his breath.

"That… that's a Titan!" said Armin, starting to tremble in fright. "How could it be? That wall is 50 meters tall!" (He knew because he had counted.)

The Titan was indeed an aberrant one, much bigger than the others. Strangely, it seemed to lack any skin, making its muscle and bones eerily visible. It reminded Haruka of those see-through fish he had heard about from Armin.

Without warning, the titanic Titan kicked a hole through the gated wall and sent huge chunks of wall flying everywhere.

"STOP PUTTING HOLES IN MY UNFINISHED POOL!" shouted Haruka.

"Haruka!" Mikasa was white with fear. "That debris landed where our house is!"

"Oh no!"

They ran back to their house, leaving Armin to wet himself.

"Come on!" Haruka valiantly attempted to move a large wooden beam that was eight times his weight. "Mikasa, help me move this!"

"Um, Haruka?" Mikasa stared at him. "That's the neighbor's house."

"…Oh."

"It's not even damaged."

"I can't think straight right now, Mikasa!"

He swiftly moved to her side.

"Haruka, take Mikasa and go!" said his mother, trapped under the rubble of her house.

"I'm not leaving you!" he tried wrenching out a big piece of wood in vain. "Come on, Mom, just swim out of there!"

Despite the pain in her shattered legs, Carla found the strength to slap him.

"Don't worry, I've come to save the day!" shouted a family friend called Hannes, running in their direction.

"Here look!" Haruka turned to his mother. "Hannes is here! He's a professional, we'll all be saved!"

Hannes ran towards the Titan, got a good look at its face, said "Nope," and made a clean 180 degree turn the other way. He grabbed the children and ran for it.

"What are you doing!" Haruka punched his back. "You forgot to save my mom!"

"It's too late for her!"

Haruka and Mikasa watched in horror as a grinning Titan that kind of looked like Steven Tyler made its way to the shattered remains of the Jaeger house. It dug up Carla and picked her up as if she were a small doll.

"NOOO!" screamed Haruka as he witnessed the Titan break his still-breathing mother in half. "MOOOOOM!" The Titan's fixed smile seemed to widen sadistically as it threw Carla in its mouth and crunched down on her.

She was gone.

Haruka finally pulled his gaze away and sobbed. "SHE WAS MY FIRST POOL!" he wept. "She was my first pool."

Hannes ran to a far enough point and put down the traumatized children to compose themselves.

"I'm so sorry, Haruka," panted Hannes, catching his breath. "I'm so sorry I couldn't save your mother. I guess that means you're the protagonist now."

"ARRRGGGHHH KILL TITANS!"

Author's Note: Boy I hope I put enough swimming jokes in this.