AN: I hope that even though this chapter is terribly overdue, anyone who still enjoys this story of mine, also enjoys this chapter. It's rather short and sweet, but I find it necessary to delve into Ellie's thoughts and how she would cope with all that has happened to her. To those who are still reading this story and reviewing it even despite how many years it has been since I've touched it, I want to thank you so much. I genuinely didn't know if I would ever update this story again, but your reviews and the reveal of the new game have motivated me greatly, so thank you.

Chapter Eighteen

It isn't uncommon for those around me to consider myself the lucky one and I can't deny that they have sound reason from the surface, but that's the only thing they seem to scratch. I get bit, I bleed, I heal, I survive. Others, they either turn or they die before they get a chance to, but I don't think luck has anything to do with it anymore. Whether you turn or not, you still suffer and you still lose. I could consider my immunity just as much a punishment as others consider it a gift, but it is neither of those things. It just is.

This sat in the front of my mind as we stretched along the last of Utah's mountains and into Wyoming's. When the moon replaced the sun for the sixth time since we'd left Mary's little home so many miles back, I climbed into the passenger seat of the Firefly's truck and Joel swapped places with Mary. She was out like a light in the back seat within minutes and Joel was shaking the grogginess from his face as he pushed us forward.

Despite the chill that was beginning to form in the past weeks, I kept my window rolled down and let my head fall against the door. The wind tousled the strands of hair framing my face and I stuck my arm out in front of me, focusing on my hand until the darkened trees were nothing but blurs between my fingers. Joel was not driving very fast and he kept the headlights dim, but I could sense his anxiousness. He never liked us to travel at night, but in the past week we'd only stopped for a few things; Either to refuel the car using gas from others or to push them out of the way so we could pass through. We took as few detours as possible, another thing Joel used to be infamous for, and only slept when someone else was driving. Everything we'd done since we had left had one purpose and I figured out what it was very quickly when all Joel talked about was getting us back to Tommy's.

I knew Joel wasn't naive, but I did know that the dam was one of the last things Joel was putting his faith into. I knew Joel's hope was starting to run thin and that the plausibility that Tommy could offer this world something good for a change was the last thing he was holding onto for us. Yet I also knew that there was a high probability that the Fireflies would catch up to us. They did time and time again and I was near sure we were leading them right along with us. Joel saw Tommy's dam as a safe haven and I saw it as a sitting duck, but I never brought that up to him because I was afraid of what would become of Joel if that hope was shattered, too.

Joel's voice was heard over my thoughts and I turned to face him. "Huh?" I asked absentmindedly, still half lost in my contemplations.

"You're not getting much sleep lately." He always tried to sound nonchalant in those statements, but I could hear the concern in his question.

I gave a snort. "And how would you know? You were just dead to the world for the past six hours."

Joel rolled his eyes at this. "You never sleep when I sleep." He said quietly and it was true. It wasn't that I didn't trust Mary and Dylan at that point, but after it being just Joel and I on our own for so long, it became second nature that at least one of us would always be watching out for each other.

"Joel, I've been cramped up in this truck for a week - I've had more rest than I think I've ever gotten in my entire life!" My enthusiasm was transparent, however, and I hadn't felt this drained since I'd lost Riley.

We still hadn't discussed what went down the night before all four of us took off and the severity of my actions still plagued Joel; He hardly let me five feet away from the truck and he was constantly on edge. Up until now, a clicker or two was hardly something to panic over, but now Joel made sure every move we made was bulletproof, and that included everything from fighting the dead to stopping to take a piss.

What got me the most, though, was how each time he looked at me, his eyes held a sadness I'd never seen before. I was starting to believe that Joel losing me was his biggest fear and I hated myself for it. He had already lost so many people he loved at that point and I couldn't guarantee he wouldn't lose me, too.

In spite of all of it, he did what he did best, and tried to push that night as far back into his mind as he could, willing himself to forget. Joel was good at that.

"We'll stop soon, kiddo, when it's light out. We're getting close now." Joel assured me.

"You've been saying that everyday now, Joel."

"Because it's true." He nudged my knee with his hand and I just sunk deeper into my seat. "We're already back in Wyoming. We'll be back at Tommy's before we know it."

I gave him a weak smile and looked on ahead of us. The headlights only illuminated the road just in front of the truck, but Joel was careful to weave through any obstacles that tried to hinder our progress. We had been driving the same road all day and now that the sun had set and the mountains were nothing more than jagged shadows in the distance, the only thing I had to look at were the stars twinkling above the treetops. Every now and again my view of the stars would be obstructed by a plume of smoke that only a fire could have made. The first time I saw one, I alerted Joel immediately, but he told me that as long as we kept going as steady as we were, we wouldn't run into anyone. I chose to believe him for once.

Silence only sat between us for so long that night until the doubts and demons began to bubble at the surface of my mind again. I'd been feeling a lot of guilt lately, especially towards Joel and how much pain I knew I was putting him through. We both knew that none of it was ever intentional, but that didn't lessen any of the sting. If he didn't have me to worry about, me to care about, he wouldn't have to wear this heavy cloak of concern and fear. I'll never forget Joel telling me that the way to live life in this world was to find something worth living for. I was positive then that I was what Joel was fighting for each day and I couldn't help but think it was such a waste when my "gift" couldn't even aid this dying earth.

"Do you - do you ever regret going through with it?" The words left my mouth before I could hold them back.

Joel instantly snapped from whatever thoughts he'd found himself in and tilted his head to look at me. "Going through with what?"

"Everything. All of this." I motioned with my hands as if my words were something I could physically reveal to him. "Leaving Boston and Tess and everything you knew there. Putting you through all of this Hell."

Joel let out a long sigh and I knew that I brought memories back to him he we wished he could forget, but they would never leave him. "Why would you ask me this?"

"Because I can't help but think that if I never came into your life that you would be better off."

Joel's face fell at that and he stopped the car almost instantly, putting it into park and turning off the headlights as he did so. I went to ask what he was doing, but he turned to face me before I got the chance. He took my small hands into his and willed me to look at him in the eyes. If I hadn't cried enough that week, tears would have brimmed my eyelids, but instead I just felt exhaustion drain me from the rush of emotions I was meddling with.

"Things happen to us - horrible, awful, bad things happen to us. They have since the start of this whole journey and they have since before we met and they probably will keep happening to us. And I'm not going to lie and say that I don't wish some things were different and that there are things I wish I had never had to have faced," Joel's voice held such an earnestness in them then that I knew he'd thought about this, too, "But I swear to you, Ellie, that if I had to go through all of it again for you, then I would."

I broke out into the first real smile that week and Joel squeezed my hands that were still gripped in his and this time I knew that Joel was telling the truth. We were off again just as quickly as we were stopped and I slipped into a comfortable sleep against the car door with my hair still blowing wildly around my face and my hand still catching the wind.

I didn't believe that it was luck that I found Joel and I didn't believe that it was luck that Joel found me. I didn't believe it was luck that we came across Mary and Dylan, either, and that we somehow were able to just barely scrape away with our lives each time. I believed it was something so much more.