Chapter XX - Halloween Special AKA please don't kill me kthx

The morning started out with its traditional strangeness by Tamaki giving me a gigantic sack full of candy. He hadn't explained it - had just given it to me with a frightened look in his eyes before he flittered away, cape swishing. Oh yeah, he was dressed up as Dracula, wouldn't you know? A bit cliche for my taste, but whatever suits your preference. However, what was even stranger was that Hunny showed up and did the same thing - that is, giving me a sack full of candy. He wasn't Dracula. He was a dog. Or a cat. I couldn't really tell. Anyway...

That was when I got suspicious because when on hell and earth would Hunny ever willingly give out his sweets?

I sucked on one of the treats that had been provided, a chocolate lollipop, letting the artificial flavor melt on my tongue. I pulled it out with a loud wet noise. "Darshan," I mused slowly. "What does 'balls to the wall' mean?" I leaned back on my free hand, conscious of the shoulder of my top slipping and not caring at all. I hadn't realized that there weren't classes today and that we could dress up for Halloween so I was in one of my normal rebellious outfits.

The indian shot me a look of exasperation mixed with disgust. He was sitting in a bean bag with his computer in his lap, the glow of the screen outlining the handsome features of his face in the dark theater room. "That isn't something you ask during a children's movie." One of the club members in the front of the room closest to the movie screen made a vicious 'shh'ing noise and I stuck my tongue out at them.

"Are you kidding? It's the perfect time to ask."

Darshan sighed and shook his head, ignoring me in favor of clacking away at the keys. I turned my attention back to The Nightmare Before Christmas in the brief silence, gnawing on the lollipop to get to the tootsie center as Jack Skellington sang in Christmas Town. Three licks? That owl was tripping. "Seriously though, what does it mean?" I pressed after another couple of moments.

He sighed and shut his computer. "Ask your Konoha friends."

I blinked. "Y'know, that's a great idea." I took out my phone and began to type up a message to Sasuke, tongue peeking out between my lips as I sounded out the words around my lollipop. "Hey… Duck… Butt… What doeth… ballth… to… the wall… mean…"

Darshan stared at me hard. "Audrey."

"Hmm?"

"You have one of them draped across your legs. Who the hell are you sending that to?"

I looked back up to him then glanced at the boy in question before turning back to Darshan. "Honey, do you honestly expect Naruto of all people to know what balls to the wall means?"

Darshan gave the blonde a glance before pursing his lips and returning his attention to the film, sinking down low in the bean bag. I gave a decisive nod of my head, quietly exclaiming, "That's what I thought." I pressed the send button on my phone and returned my attention to the film. Only for a moment before I looked at the kid sprawled over my legs.

Naruto Uzumaki had just returned the day before, eagerly proclaiming how happy he was to be home and giving me a hug that I'm sure cracked ribs. The dinner that night was, predictably, ramen. That evening I was stuck listening to him chatter on and on about how fantastic America was (as if I don't know - I inherited all of its majesty) and blah blah blah, on and on into the wee hours of the morning. And then he followed me to school the next day. Apparently he wasn't signed up for his classes at Konoha Academy yet and had decided following me around would be a bit less boring than staying at home and, oh, I don't know, bothering his parents or friends who he hadn't seen in awhile.

He obviously hadn't taken jet lag into account and was snoring away in the dark, my legs his pillow. I'm pretty sure that he was drooling all over my tights.

I pulled my lollipop out of my mouth and gave a hiss. "Naruto. Wake up."

No response.

I wiggled my legs about slightly and he paused in his heavy breathing before resuming with a gusto. "Naruto!" More people up front, I think it was John, turned to give me a glare. I shot him the bird and sat up to stare at the handsome blondes face. And it was a nice face - I could kiss a face like that with little to no issues. I stared a little more before bringing my palm down hard on his cheek - about 120% harder than I needed to.

Naruto popped up with a squeal. John stood, throwing his hands up and stalking out of the room, shouting obscenities as he went. Darshan sighed and turned the lights back on with a small black remote before pausing the film with another. "Bathroom break!" he drawled in response to the groans. He stared in my direction, as if expecting me to fix everything (despite the fact I never fix, I'm more of a Destroyer of Worlds and Dimensions and Universes and Everything Between type of girl). I was too busy being sat on by a bundle of orange, shoving the teen off of me as the music club slowly filed out of the room.

"Audrey! Why did you do that?" Naruto whined, hands framing his now red cheek.

"Sorry," I gasped. Air, precious air! "I can't control myself. I have tourettes."

"Tourettes?"

Darshan snorted. "You haven't used that excuse since the second chapter."

"Suck my dick."

"It's a little small for my taste."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I gasped, highly offended. "I have the biggest dick in this school."

"Debateable."

"No, not debatable."

"Well, we're debating it right now, so I would say that it's pretty debatable."

"Not really because we are debating if the size of my dick is debatable, not actually debating the size of my dick."

"I'm pretty sure that made no sense."

"I never make any sense."

"True."

"Ha! So you admit I have the biggest dick!"

"Oh my God."

I popped my lollipop back into my mouth and gave a loud suck. "So what were we talking about again?"

"Why you hit me in the face, I think," Naruto supplied helpfully.

"Oh yeah. I have tourettes." I turned to Darshan. "And if you comment about the last time I used that excuse that isn't an excuse I'll push you in the pond."

The Indian rolled his eyes and pushed himself off the floor, grumbling. Naruto rubbed at his cheek with a sad pout, blue eyes watering as he asked, "Isn't there medication for that?"

I grinned. "Probably!" I threw an arm around his shoulders and drew him close. "But why ruin the fun of it?"

The Konoha Academy student looked bewildered. "I-"

"Trick or treat!" Darshan screamed as the twins jumped out from behind a curtain, dressed together as angels. Sparkles and glitter rained down, probably from the same place as those thrice damned rose petals.

The boy slowly backed away, hands up. The twins followed. "What if I don't have any candy?" he said hesitantly. The twins only smirked.

"Nothing, really -"

"I just wouldn't expect a peaceful halloween -"

"Really, if you don't have any candy -"

"It's totally alright."

"We'll be happy either way."

I glanced from the twins to my sacks of candy. Angelically demonic twins. Candy. Twins. Candy. "Oh!" I blinked. "I get it now." I stood, brushing off imaginary lint, and took my sacks of candy over to the twins. As they turned with smiles already in place -

I hit them in the face.

They fell down almost comically, and I couldn't help chortling in laughter. "Oh my God! Your faces!" I wheezed, dropping the sacks to hold my sides. The angels peered up at me, flabbergasted.

"What the heck Audrey?!"

"You could have killed us!"

"Do you want us dead?"

"Well," I paused, putting a hand on my hip, the other going to my lips as I pondered. "I've always liked mummies better than angels. Besides, It's not my fault. I can't control myself."

The twins looked at each other. "Seriously?"

Darshan, who had been in the process of slithering out the door unnoticed, peaked back around the corner to pipe in, "She's using the tourrettes excuse again."

"Excuse?" asked Naruto, still in a confuddled daze -

WOAH.

Woah there.

Hi.

I bet I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, wow! Calloniel finally updated! Maybe this will be a trend and continue and we'll get updates on our favorite stories again!

Well, this is Audrey, here to tell you that Calloniel is a piece of shit and don't trust her. She hops story's like a rabbit in heat and let me tell you those suckers are hoppy. Haha, get it? Rabbits hop? She's hoppy?

No?

God, you guys never understand me. You would think about 20 chapters or so ya'll would know me so well. But I'm very disappointed in you all. A year…

Um.

Two years.

Anyway! Two years is hardly enough time for you guys to forget about me! Shame on you all. Absolute shame.

Anyway anyway, Calloniel is a story hopper. She comes up with ideas, posts them, continues working on them for about a year or two and then… get distracted. Yeah, I'm looking at you, Ode to Sleep. What kinda fucking name is that for a fic? God. Freaking awful, I tell you. Terrible. Ya'll should stone Calloniel, that traitor.

I mean, look at what she did to anchor, poor fic. The fans are still weeping in limbo. Rest in peace you… you… fic.

On a side note, Ode to Sleep fans might actually kill Cal once they see this was updated before Ode. So this might be the last you see of me, considering I am a figment of her imagination. So yeah.

Now, don't get me wrong, Calloniel loves all her stories equally. And she's not making me say that at gunpoint, really, honestly! Ha… but, to be fair, she has every story planned out to the very end. She knows exactly what happens all the way to the sequel. She knows how Ode is going to end, as is well over halfway done planning out the sequel. And, despite common belief, Anchor is all planned out too. And ideas are formulating for a sequel - if she ever gets that far. Which, c'mon, let's be honest here, is a far-fetched idea. I mean, this chapter hardly counts as a chapter, though it will go back into being a chapter, I promise. I mean, I'm the one at the keyboard, I will write it my damn self, thank you very much!

The point is, Calloniel is a piece of shit and has all her stories planned out to the letter - all her fics…

Except this one.

She never knows what the hell she's doing with this fic, I'm telling you. She comes up to me with the script, one page, and says, 'Audrey, try not to be a mary-sue, I swear to god you become a mary-sue I'm deleting your fic and sending you back into the dark pits of my imagination from wence you came.'

She was channeling her inner Gandalf for that.

So, other than the episodes and manga chapters, she… doesn't know what she's doing with this fic. Because she is a chump. A giant chump who cringes every time she looks at the first 16 chapters because wow, we were an awful pair. I was moody, she was lazy, and god those chapters… suffered as a result. I don't know why you guys like it, yeesh. Ya'll be cray-cray.

So probably-maybe-eventually, this will get rewritten, and I expect all of you to review each damn chapter. Don't be like Calloniel. Don't be lazy.

And… I think that's all I had to say. Calloniel is pretty much drowning in depression and suicidal ideation, nothing abnormal, and college is also kicking her ass, nothing abnormal there either. And, bottom line, we aren't sure when another chapter will come out, or how frequently, and we feel awful about it. We know you guys enjoy this, and we do too! Cal wrote that nifty piece up there for halloween almost two years ago, and she forgot how much fun it was.

Hence why you get this nifty little update, half story, half me whining, half fourth wall breakage. It's great.

Calloniel says that the best part of this is the fact it's practically an authors note and fanfic will never know.

Crazy bitch.

So - The script Cal gave me for this episode is pretty much done. So I'll make some shit up for another couple thousand words, be appreciative. Cal does all the writing, not me, so be pleased and worship me.

Ahem.

Where were we?

As yes, Naruto was confused.

"Excuse?" asked Naruto, still in a confuddled daze, pulling his hands from his face. There was a nifty little print of my hand on his face and I grinned at my handiwork.

"Audrey is insane," Hikaru stated bluntly, sitting up and pulling his twin with him. Darshan had slithered back inside and was seated back on his bean bag,

I frowned.

"That was your exit for the chapter, Darshan, what are you doing?"

His grin was downright devilish. "Oh, observing. I want to watch you struggle to finish this chapter." He held up his laptop which had been set aside earlier. "You have a whole list of shit to do and I'm going to enjoy watching you flail about in an attempt to accomplish it all."

I glanced down the list.

"Is he breaking the fourth wall?"

"That's Audrey's job."

"He does have a point though. We know our lines, but Audrey -"

"Hikaru, Kaoru, if you don't shut up right now I swear to god I will end you both." I gave them a glare, only slightly satisfied when they mimed zipping their lips. "They have a point though. What do you think you're doing, you fish stick? This is my chapter!" I took the laptop and plopped down beside him, not bothering to move my elbow from its trajectory right into the Indians spleen.

He frowned at me, rubbing at his side. "If you haven't noticed, a decent chunk of this chapter is dedicated to you calling the author out on her shit. We have long ago crossed that fourth wall line. I'm simply embracing it and the ability to give you shit. And interact with the readers." Darshan looked off into the distance and waved, grinning brightly. "Hi."

I face-palmed. "That's not where the readers are."

"Then where are they?"

"Not there, you idiot."

There was a knock on the door and Tamaki, followed by Mori and Hunny, peaked his head in. "Guys, you were suppose to be meeting up with us like… ten minutes ago. What's going on?"

Poor Naruto groaned, collapsing face first onto the floor. "I don't know. This is my first official appearance and I'm tired."

"Stop whining," the twins snarked. Kaoru and Hikaru leaned on each other and sighed dramatically. "Calloniel left this chapter up to Audrey and she doesn't know what she's doing."

I popped up from behind the computer screen with a snarl. "I know what I'm doing!" God, this list was long. Hunny was right, though - we were going to meet with him, and then there was some sort of drama with a witch who was actually Kaoru/Hikaru and someone getting hurt, and fucking Renge was here, and I had to beat her ass at cooking and pumpkin carving, again, and then to top it all of Sasuke and I would take a long romantic walk on the beach and shoot strangers with rubber bands. The last two parts sounded absolutely wonderful. Beating up Renge was a past time of mine, and Sasuke was really, really hot.

As if summoned, the Konoha student came in through the window, Sakura hot on his heels. "We are not doing that," he growled.

"Sasuke! Sakura!" Naruto had enough energy to read out a hand desperately before full on collapsing once more. The pair only spared him a glance.

"Why not?" I pouted, twisting the computer screen to show him a wonderful piece of fanart that nobody drew of us holding hands and destroying the world. "We're obviously meant to be. The fans demand it."

You all didn't demand it, my hormones did, but who are you to complain.

Sasuke snorted, rolling his eyes, while Sakura burst into hysterical laughter. I frowned, offended. "Rude."

From the corner, a dark aura came to light. "Don't be mean to Audrey-chan," Hunny mumbled dangerously, looking oddly vicious in his dog-cat suit, staring straight ahead at Saskue. Mori didn't look any less intimidating standing behind him.

Sasuke didn't give any sign he had heard him, instead crossing his arms and staring down at me with that smug, attractive expression of his. "I can feel you compelling me to like you. It isn't going to work."

"But I'm the author for this chapter!" I whined. "Do as I say!"

"No."

"Fuck you."

"Also no."

"Damn, I was sure that would work."

"Audrey!" Tamaki shouted, suddenly lurching forward to cover my ears. "We have a young audience! Don't corrupt them."

Just to mess with him, I peered up with a sexy half-lidded stare, reaching up to pet his cheek as I purred, "Can I corrupt you?"

As predicted, one problem was solved as he fell over in a faint, blood flowing profusely from his nose. "I still got it," I whispered with a fist pump. The rest of the host club, excluding the missing members, so most of the host club, immediately went to their fallen brethren in an attempt to revive him. I went back to my list.

"We're already at nine pages and… about 3000 words." Darshan snagged his laptop from me and pulled up steam. "Just enough time for a game of Five Nights at Freddy's."

"No," I grumbled, taking the computer back. "Just enough time for kicking Renge's ass. I love doing that. It's fun."

"That's mean, though," Sakura hummed. She squeezed herself next to me on the beanbag which was slowly but surely getting significantly smaller. "Do something nice."

I stared. "When have I ever done anything nice?"

"Never." Sasuke also took a seat, casually leaning back against Sakura's legs. "We should just finish watching that movie. This last half of the chapter is already significantly worse than the first half, but that's expected considering you're in charge. You might as well just end it while it's still someone decent."

I frowned at the wall. "Y'know, you are so mean when I'm in charge. What the hell, man."

Sakura shrugged and whispered comically, "He's actually always like that."

From his spot prone on the floor, Naruto moaned agreement.

"Shut up."

"He has a point, though," the twins spoke up.

"It's too late to actually finish the chapter -"

"Might as well do whatever."

"Soon as we finish this -"

"The sooner we can move on to the next chapter."

"But…" I started. "There isn't a next chapter."

As one, the cast of Just Call it Intuition turned to me. "What?!"

"What, don't you guys remember? Cal promised last chapter that when we reached 300 reviews, we'd do a Q and A. And since we've reached that 300 mark, thanks you guys, next chapter is the Q and A. Which means that once we get a decent enough number of questions we'll have the next chapter up pretty soon."

The twins groaned.

Hunny sighed dejectedly.

The Konoha gang silently played on their phones.

"I mean, at least that means the chapter will be up fast," Darshan mumbled. "But…"

"The questions," Hunny whispered staring blankly into the distance, hands pulling on his suits ears. "The questions…" Mori patted his back sympathetically and the twins let their heads hang low.

Sasuke smirked. "You guys have fun with that."

I couldn't help my own grin. "What, Sasuke, didn't you know? They can ask you questions too."

"... What."

"Yeah. Anyone who has appeared, even briefly, can be asked a question. And you know why they can do that?" I leaned forward as far as I could, whispering in his ear, "Because Calloniel and I both like to fuck with you. That's why."

"God, I hate you."

"I hate you too."

"I hate you a significantly more amount."

I shrugged and leaned back. "That's a fair statement. You're too hot to hate completely."

"So, how do we end it?" Darshan asked. "Someone should go get Haruhi and Kyoya, let them know what's going on."

"We're on eleven pages now, though," I whined. I sunk low into the beanbag. "That'll take another two pages to get it all figured out, and I can feel Calloniel glaring at me through the nonexistent fourth wall. It's unnerving."

The twins glanced at each other. "You could always end it abruptly."

"Abruptly?"

"Yeah, like this."