Insecurities

Natsu didn't think anything of it when Lucy came up to him in the middle of the guild hall, fiddling with her hands and avoiding his eyes. He'd noticed during the past couple of weeks that she'd become more inclined to do that sort of thing when they were together. There was a part of him that was hurt by the awkwardness that had begun to form in their relationship, but nevertheless he excused her behavior as a weird stage. "What's up, Luce?"

"C-could I talk to you privately somewhere? Maybe outside?" Her face was directed firmly at the ground, causing her beautiful gold locks to fall over her face.

Natsu bounced up from his chair enthusiastically. "Sure! Let's go!" He grabbed her hand and half dragged her through Fairy Tail's large wooden doors. If he'd been paying attention he would've noticed the bright blush that appeared on her cheeks as she glanced at their intertwined hands, and the way she turned her head to the large group of females at the bar who winked and put their thumbs up, causing her to turn her head back with an even deeper blush and a small, hopeful smile.

Once they were outside the guild and the doors shut tightly behind them, the need to keep their hands connected was gone and they both reluctantly let them drop. Natsu was struck by a familiar niggling feeling. The feeling made him want to keep hold of her hand.

He turned to Lucy with his large grin. "So what did you wanna tell me?"Seeming to gain a burst of courage, she raised her head and let chestnut meet onyx. "Have you ever been in a situation where you didn't understand your own feelings?" She looked straight into his eyes when she said it, but then, seeming to realise what she'd said, blushed and lowered her eyes, "Uh, sorry... Stupid question, never mind..."

"Come on Luce, you can tell me anything!" He encouraged her with another smile. If he only he knew how much that smile melted her. Her blush flared and she started opening and closing her mouth, trying to say something. Natsu had to bite back his laughter at her strange behaviour. "I love you, Natsu!" He froze, his laughter dying on his lips.

'I love you, my son.'

Memories that he tried his best to keep locked away blasted into him with force of a wall. It felt like someone had pulled the floor away from under him and he found it difficult to stand properly. He could just prevent himself from shaking long enough to look at Lucy's face, which was worried and nervous. Barely able to stutter out an incoherent jumble of words, he turned away and began to run.

Natsu didn't have time to register the hurt crash down in Lucy's chestnut orbs. And by the time she had fallen to the ground, her body racked with sobs, he was already too far away to hear them.

oOoOoOo

Natsu ran and ran. He ran for so long that it hurt. He ran until his legs swayed beneath him and he finally collapsed against a tree somewhere just outside of magnolia. He didn't know where he was and he didn't care. Shaking, his hands rose to clutch his head. He fell slowly down the rough tree bark until he sat with his head cradled between his knees.

Memories kept popping in front of his eyes like bee stings: Igneel teaching him magic. Igneel playing chase with him. Igneel letting him curl up against his warm, scaled belly every night. Igneel telling him he loved him. But Igneel had disappeared; the person who'd loved him had disappeared. Natsu was not completely stupid, he knew he had faults and had learnt to admit to himself that they had possibly factored into why Igneel had left, after all, that sort of thing happened all the time. Of course he didn't know for sure, but even the idea was enough to plant a seed of self doubt in his mind. His faults had driven even his father away. So he shouldn't be loved, right? Why did Lucy say that to him then? Would she disappear too now? The thought alone caused his blood to run cold and the nausea in his stomach to rear its ugly head. That was what he had to prevent at any cost. It would cause him physical pain.

Suddenly a thought struck him. What if Lucy had been playing a trick on him? Trying to play a prank, so everyone could laugh about it later? Even as he had the thought though he knew it was wrong. Lucy didn't lie. And those eyes... Those eyes definitely hadn't lied.

Sniffing the air he felt the change in humidity and lifted his head to rest against the hard base of the tree, his eyes gazing into the grey, overcast sky. As he predicted, the heavens opened and it started to rain. The drops were light at first. Little pinpricks of cold against his fiery skin, but then the drops became heavier, bigger, faster and he closed his eyes and let them run over his face. But they wouldn't wash away his memories. They wouldn't wash away his pain.

There was one question he was avoiding and he knew it. One question he knew he should've been thinking about but didn't know... how to. Did he love Lucy back? He didn't even know, hell, he didn't even know what that kind of love was! No, that was wrong. People had tried to explain it to him many times, but he'd never really understood. Or maybe he had? Something Natsu always remembered Igneel telling him was that a lot of answers to his questions were inside himself, and how weird he had thought that was at the time. He had wondered how he was supposed to get to them if they we're inside of him and had been told 'When the time comes you just will.' Just one of those stupid things adults say, he'd thought. Yet he looked inside himself at that moment and he knew. He loved watching her smile, he loved her weird personality, he loved sneaking into her bed at night, he loved going on requests with her, he loved holding her hand. He loved Lucy Heartfilia. And he didn't want her to disappear. But he wanted to be with her. He wanted to be with her forever, in fact he wanted to be with her at that very moment. Yet still he hesitated, the fear holding him back again. What if she changed her mind? Left him like Igneel had? If someone else he loved left him, there was no way he could carry on.

Natsu opened his eyes and pulled himself shakily to his feet using the tree trunk as a support. His legs were wobbly for a moment before the muscles relaxed and he was able to stand on his own. The rain continued to pelt into the ground harshly as he looked over at the city of Magnolia.

Did love hurt like this for everyone? Probably, he thought to himself.

And that realisation is what sent him sprinting back the way he came. Because that meant Lucy was hurting too.

oOoOoOo

Even through the rain he could smell her tears, the smell was like a stain on the air. He had reached Lucy's apartment and was standing behind a bunch of crates in front of the canal, watching as Levy left through Lucy's front door, her knuckles white against the umbrella she held.

He waited as long as he could manage, anxious for Levy to get far enough away before he could see Lucy. When she had, he rushed from his hiding place and braced himself to jump onto Lucy's window ledge. Then he stopped. She wouldn't want him in her apartment, not after what he'd done. But he needed to see her, tell her... Tell her something! He couldn't leave their relationship like it was: in shreds before him. He went to the door and knocked. No answer. He took a few steps back so he could clearly look at her window. The rain continued to pelt onto the ground, soaking him to the bone.

Glancing down he noticed some small pebbles lying on the ground and was reminded of some of the snippets of books he had read over Lucy's shoulder, where the guy would throw stones at the girl's bedroom window to get her to come outside. Reaching down he grasped a couple in his hands, and began to throw them as lightly as he could at Lucy's window.

After the fourth pebble had bounced off the glass, he saw the curtains pulled aside and the window slid open. He could see the rawness of Lucy's face as she bent down to the window level and how her eyes widened slightly as they settled on him. Instead of the anger he had anticipated, there was only hurt and sadness. "What do you want, Natsu?" She asked quietly, and even he struggled to hear her over the hammering of the rain."I-I wanted to see you!" He spluttered out.

She closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath as if the words pained her. She opened her eyes again and they looked sadder than ever. "Why?"

"Because! Because... I-Uh..." He took a breath to calm himself and met her eyes. "I wanted to make sure you were ok." The statement hung between them for a few moments and the rain continued to pour over him. Lucy's eyes became glassy and then tears began to roll down her cheeks. Bowing her head she tried to contain a sob and looked straight up at him again.

"I'm not ok, Natsu." He felt his heart break looking at her. He'd done that to her. He was a despicable person. And he was angry at himself. So angry. It built up inside him and when he felt he could contain it no longer, hot, angry tears tinged with regret began to fall from the corners of his eyes "I know. I'm so sorry." He bit out and hung his head.

"You can't be sorry for the way you feel, Natsu. It's just my stupid emotions getting in the w-"

"No! That's not it!" Hearing her blame herself was too much for him, she was angry at herself. He dropped his head in shame. "It's me. I ran away because I was scared. You reminded me of who I'd already lost and the possibility of you leaving me too...-" the sound of the window slamming shut cut across him, silencing him completely. He blinked. That was it, he'd lost his chance and he'd lost Lucy. She didn't need to listen to him anyway. He tried not to be too crushed. Getting numbly to his feet he began walking away, knowing he had to, because no matter how much it hurt him, she'd made her decision.

Natsu walked in a trance like state, he wasn't even sure where he should go. Where was your destination when you'd lost everything? It was still raining, hard. The steady beat of raindrops on his back was the only thing keeping him aware of his surroundings. It also meant he didn't hear the slap of feet against the pavement until they were right behind him. He didn't really have the strength to put up much of a fight when someone grabbed his shoulder and yanked him round. He was a bit surprised when he got punched in the face though, even more so when he looked and saw a very angry looking Lucy standing in front of him. "Lucy! What are y-"

"Natsu Dragneel, you are an idiot!" He smelt her tears through the rain again. "I won't ever leave you! You're stupid to think I would!"

The constant patter of rain and Lucy's breathless panting were the only sounds between the two as their eyes held each others, conveying what one thousand words couldn't say. Lucy's eyes glazed over. "I love you too much for that." She said quietly.

And he could keep himself from her no longer. Closing the remaining distance between them he carefully wrapped his arms round her waist and brought her towards him, as if she was a china doll that could shatter at any moment. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Lucy." he repeated the words in her ear over and over again, knowing that an apology was the least of what she deserved. She responded by leaning into him and clinging to his shirt, finally letting out the sobs she had kept contained. All he could do was hold her as she let it all out.

When he heard her sobs turn to quiet sniffles, he pulled back a little so he could look at her face. When she refused to meet his eyes, he cupped her face and guided her eyes to his. Even with her hair and clothes clinging to her because of the water and her eyes red rimmed and puffy, she was beautiful to him."You don't know what'll happen, you might get bored of me." He said quietly. His hesitation was now present because he didn't want her to make a mistake. Dragon slayers mated for life, and if she accepted this now there would be no going back for either of them. Her life would be miserable, and he would have to deal with the guilt of having done that to her. It was more than he could bear.

Her eyes were glued to his now, their gaze soft. Slowly, she brought her hand to cover the one he held her face with, intertwining their fingers gently. "Do you remember when we were outside the guild earlier and I asked you if you'd ever been uncertain about your feelings?" He nodded. "For the longest time I was uncertain what I felt about you. I went round and round in my head denying my feelings. But there's a point where you can't deny yourself any longer. I realised I love you and there's nothing I can do to change that. I can't promise that I won't get angry or annoyed at you from time to time, but I know that I'll never stop loving you." He thought it was funny how light words could make someone. Apparently guilt, sadness and anxiety make someone pretty heavy. Her words had settled and bloomed inside him like sunshine, and he felt as if he could've taken off and flown.

Using their clasped hands, he brought her face closer to his and he let their lips touch gently. Both their eyes closed as their lips caressed each other's tenderly. After a moment that seemed to last forever, they pulled away slightly and rested their foreheads against each others.

To Natsu it kind of felt the same as when he ate fire. There was still that fiery warmth building inside him, but instead of wanting to release it, he wanted to keep it inside- bottle it for a bad day: the feeling of pure happiness. Natsu knew that as long as he had that, he could take on the world.

He looked at Lucy with new found certainty "I love you too."

The rain that had hammered on them so insistently began to ease up, gradually turning into light drops that soon regressed into the clouds. Slowly but surely, those grey clouds began to disappear, revealing the light blue sky beneath them.

Fin.

First Fanfiction: Finished! I hope you enjoyed. Yes, Natsu is very OOC, but I wanted to show his vulnerable side- I think even the Salamander has his own insecurities deep down. Also, I know that the flow is quite choppy but I was trying to mimic the kind of thought process Natsu would be having, then again, that might just be me trying to make excuses for rubbish writing…

So, what did you think?! I was so, so nervous about posting this, and it took me a long time to pluck up the courage. Pretty please leave a review?

xKHx