WARNING: This fic contains severe triggers for anxiety, depression, self-harm, and suicide. Please do not read this if you think that will cause an attack. (Both are also extremely OOC, but that's a different point all together.)

Promise

Marui was disappointed that his life did not live up to the grande expectations his mind had created for him during his youth. University was supposed to be his time, but after high school ended, it all came crashing down around him instead of rising to the sky. He sat on the bed of his bedroom back at home wondering why it all went wrong, and when and where, because he didn't have a damn clue.

He rolled over into his bed, yanking the sheets high above his head. Sleeping was the only thing he looked forward to, and he slept for as long as he could without upsetting his parents. He was as close being happy as he could be when he was asleep.

Do I want to die?

He thought about that a lot.

He finally woke up when someone threw a pebble at his window. He grumbled miserably and shoved up the window—it was well into the afternoon, but he could not find it in him to care—and stared at the boy in the window of the neighboring house.

"You were still sleeping, weren't you?" Niou asked.

"So what if I was? It's summer. I'm allowed to sleep." Marui rubbed his face, wishing he was asleep. "What do you want?"

"I'm sitting on my ass all day watching internet videos and Lord of the Rings. Want to come?"

"No, I really don't," Marui said, and he meant it. Nothing sound appealing to him, even eating. All he wanted to do was sleep to avoid his pathetically lonely life. "Stop throwing shit at my window."

"Or what? You'll break my neck? You have to leave your house to do that. Seriously, when's the last time you left your house?"

A few weeks, and that was for a med check.

"None of your goddamn business. Leave me alone."

Niou picked up his slingshot and shot another pebble. This time he hit Marui's forehead, and Marui furiously slammed his window shut and shoved his face back into his pillows. He just wanted to sleep.

.

When someone opened his door, Marui was pissed. He thought it was one of his brothers, or maybe his mom (his dad did not even come to mind—like that bastard cared at all). The intruder turned on his light, and Marui sat up, ready to tell them to go away and let him sleep.

"Niou? How'd you get in here?"

"Haruto let me in. Or was it Hikaru? One of the twinlets." Niou pulled away Marui's sheet, took his macbook from his desk, and sat down by Marui's feet. As an after-thought, Niou tossed a bottle of water at him. "Take your damn happy pills. Have you taken them lately?"

A hesitant, but true, "Yes." Marui took his prescription bottle off his nightstand and swallowed his pill. "Why are you here?"

"I was bored. Watch me play Portal. You have Steam installed, right?"

"Go away. It's only noon. I sleep until at least three."

Niou ignored him and logged into the app, pulling up his account. "Do you stay up until the ass crack of dawn or something?"

"I like to sleep. I had a long semester. Bite me."

Niou ignored him again, beginning to play Portal 2 as Marui shoved his face back into his pillow to sleep. He was tired, tired enough to sleep with the light on.

.

Niou disappeared for a week, or that's what Marui's mother told him when he managed to eat a small portion of dinner by himself in the living room. Niou finally reappeared, the day after Marui even realized he was gone, and shot a pebble at his window at four in the morning.

"What?" Marui groaned.

"You're awake. I can see your light on."

"I can't fucking sleep."

"Neither can I."

Not like me, Marui thought.

"Do you want something?" Marui asked. "Trying to sleep here."

Niou didn't say anything. Marui closed his window and tired to sleep until it was eight in the morning, and he decided to just stay up for the day.

.

The water helped, Marui thought as he sat in the bathtub with his feet under the stream of water. It warmed him up and his feet tingled after leaving them under such hot water, and when he got out, his skin was pink and warm. It felt better than being sad and anxious like he always was. It was better than nothing.

He sat on his bed after his bath (it was three in the morning, no one knew he took late night baths), and stared at his ceiling. It crept up on him, like a spider, and he curled into his side and sobbed.

What's the point?

.

Marui baked to help the voices in his head. They weren't actual voices—they were his, running several different thoughts at once at different parts of his head. He could have one thought in the front, one in the back, one to the right, and one to the right. He didn't know if that was normal.

"What are you making?" his father asked.

"Nothing," Marui replied. He put the cookies in the oven, set the oven, and started to head up the stairs to wait in his room.

"You wanna go for a ride later?" his father asked. "I'll drive you and the twins around. We could pick up dinner."

"Maybe another day. I'm not feeling up to it."

His father seemed satisfied and opened the fridge in search of a container of leftovers. Marui closed his door behind him and sat down on his bed, clutching his head as he tried to stop the anxiety swelling up from his chest.

.

I don't want to wake up.

Marui stared at his bedroom wall as Niou flicked pebbles at his window. Eventually the pings stopped, then someone walked into his room. Niou turned him onto his back and stared at him.

"You didn't answer any of my texts, you jack ass," Niou said.

"I don't check my phone anymore. No one texts me anyways," Marui said. He had fought with the regulars halfway through his first year at university, and they didn't talk to him anymore. His friends from school were closer with each other than they were with him, and they didn't text him either.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay," Niou said. "Your brothers came over yesterday asking me if you were dead. Don't sleep for two days with the damn door locked!"

"Why does it matter? So what if I was dead?"

Niou opened his pill bottle and pushed a pill into Marui's mouth. It went down dry and stuck in the back of his throat until he could swallow enough spit to knock it down.

"No one would care," Marui said, not meaning to say it aloud.

"Don't say that."

And then Niou left. Marui went back to sleep.

.

Haruto and Hikaru dragged him out of bed at three in the afternoon and down to the living room to make him watch as they took turns playing Skyward Sword. Marui gave a piece of advice here or there—he had played the game twice and knew it like the back of his hand—but remained silent other than that, and regretted what he did say. His brothers seemed annoyed whenever he talked.

His brothers would miss him, but they would get over it. They were young and Marui was nothing but an annoyance to them. His father certainly wouldn't care; Marui could not remember the last he had been able to look at his father and not feel panic rising in his mind. His mother would be devastated, and possibly do the same, so Marui didn't.

.

Marui sat in the bathtub at four in the morning, his knees pulled to his chest, his head screaming, and his heart racing. The scorching water warmed his skin and the steam made him lightheaded, but he could not find the will to leave the tub.

You're fine. It's okay. You're okay. Calm down.

The attack did not stop. The feeling lingered in his chest, like his heart would not calm, but he got out of the bath and curled back into his bed.

When slitting wrists, slit vertically to let the most blood out.

When slitting someone's throat, don't bend the head back or the windpipe gets in the way.

When high pH substances are consumed, proteins and enzymes are denatures and processes cannot function so the body shuts down.

When hung, the person either dies from a broken neck or suffocation.

When decapitated, the brain has several seconds of conscious thought before the body is officially dead.

He was smart, and had an unhealthy fascination with death, two things that should not be combined under any circumstances. Thoughts like those filled his mind constantly, but he never thought of doing them to himself.

.

Marui was forced out of the house by his mother because she was worried about him. He wondered the forest behind his house and sat on a bench his father had put out when he was younger. He liked being alone so much that it scared him. Footsteps approached, then someone sat next to him, ruining his moment of peace.

"I was out here, you know," Niou said.

"No, I don't, and I don't—"

Care.

"I was here the week I was gone," Niou said. "I wasn't actually gone. I just left during the day and sat here. I went back to my house to get food at night when everyone was asleep."

"Why?"

"I was having panic attacks all the time. Apparently the meds I'm on make me more fucked up before they make me less fucked up."

"Serotonin re-uptake inhibitors?"

"Yup."

"They're a bitch." Marui frowned. "When'd you start meds? And since when are you anxious?"

"I went to a psychiatrist a couple weeks after you mentioned you were going. And I've always been anxious." Niou looked at him; Marui pretended not to notice. "I just started, the meds I mean," Niou went on. "About two months ago ago. It hasn't really done shit."

"They'll probably bump it up at your next med check."

"I have one every two weeks. They've switched me, then bumped me on these new ones. It sucks." Niou paused. "You wanna be alone?"

I'm always alone.

"Don't care."

And Niou stayed.

.

Marui accidentally made his mom cry—again. He had said "All I want to do is sleep and not wake up" and she became hysteric, asking how she could help, and telling him not to say things like that. He kept those thoughts in his mind most of the time, but sometimes his mind was too crammed and things just spilled out like blood on a carpet.

He spent the rest of the day with his brothers and mom, then the night in his room. Niou showed up around midnight, after Marui's bath.

"You're pink," Niou said.

"I was in the bath," Marui said.

"Do you burn yourself?" Niou asked. "Like, instead of cutting or something?"

Marui had thought about it like that before. He didn't like to phrase it like that, though. He preferred to think of it was "assisting his mental well being."

Marui didn't answer and curled up under his blankets while Niou sat at his desk. "Do you take pills for depression or anxiety?" Niou asked with no malice behind it, just curiosity.

"It works on both, but more anxiety," Marui said. The depression is worse now than it was when I started, he added in his head. "You're just anxiety, right?"

"Yeah. Couldn't freaking eat in public anymore. First day at university I didn't talk to fucking anyone. Wouldn't have made friends if this guy didn't come up and start talking to me." Niou huffed at this, and Marui could tell there's shame in it and a bit of sadness.

"It sucks, doesn't it?" Marui said. "You know it's these chemicals in your head that you can't control. These things we can't even see make us feel so inferior or so afraid. We just sit there while other people talk and eat and just... are, while we're not."

"It sucks."

"And you say it aloud and you feel worse," Marui said, curling into his knees. "You accept it and your mind hates you for being so fucking weak, like it's punishing you for its wrong doings. I hate it."

I hate me.

"At least they can fix us," Niou said. Marui hated being called broken and sick, because he knew it wasn't his fault, it was his scumbag brain, but he knew he was broken and sick at the same time. "You okay?" Niou asked.

"I'm never okay," Marui said. "Do you ever just think about it? You don't mean to but it just pops up in your head, and you can't stop thinking about it, and thinking about it makes you feel worse, and feeling worse makes it even worse?"

"All the time."

"Fuck," Marui hissed. "I'm gonna have a panic attack."

"Want me to leave?"

"Just get me a blanket," Marui mumbled as he curled up onto his side, holding a pillow against him, because at least he could hug a pillow. He didn't like being hugged by people, it made him feel trapped.

Niou tossed the blanket over him and turned down the lights without Marui telling him to. Marui heard the squeak of his desk chair as Niou sat back down, then the sound of his laptop opening.

.

The water hurt the most between his toes. His legs jerked, his body tell him to stop hurting him, but eventually the pain turned to a pleasant, warm numbness that spread up through his legs. He closed his eyes and let the feeling take over as he listened to the water, ignoring the world for a few minutes before the tub was full.

"Bunta?" Hikaru asked. "Mom wants to know if you're staying in your pajamas all day or dressing so she can do laundry."

"I'll put on new pajamas," Marui replied. "My old ones are in the basket in the closet."

Marui did not expect another response from his little brother.

"Bunta... You know I'd care if you kill yourself, right?" Hikaru asked in a soft voice. "It scares me whenever you're in there with the door locked. I don't know if you're going to come out."

Tears welled in Marui's eyes. He had been thinking about how he could pry a blade from his shaving razor and so easily slice his skin open. It had been a passing thought, like all of the other morbid thoughts he had, but hearing Hikaru realize the same made the tears fall.

"I'm fine, Hikaru," Marui said. "Go away."

.

Marui was sleeping when Niou came in with crackers and peanut butter. He sat down at Marui's feet and continued to eat, spreading extra crunchy peanut butter on the crackers and not caring if he made a mess all over Marui's comforter.

"Comfort food?" Marui guessed.

"It's usually pizza or anything greasy, but I don't have a car and I don't feel like walking. My parents are at work so I'm stuck with crackers and peanut butter."

"Delivery?"

"Can't talk on phone, and I'm too—hell, I don't even know if it's anxiety or embarrassment anymore, but I can't do online ordering either."

"I like mozzarella sticks, but pizza is good too. Some days I'll drink a coke or something even though the caffeine makes it impossible to calm down."

"Sugar tastes good, though. Mountain Dew is the best," Niou conceded and Marui groaned in agreement. He would probably feel like he was dying if he had that much caffeine, though.

"Why do you need comfort food?" Marui asked. "Bad day?"

"Dunno. Just woke up anxious. One of those days." Marui groaned in agreement again. "Why are you telling me all this?"

"Why are you telling me this?" Marui responded.

"Good point."

"You never talked much in school. You always stayed away from people and never talked in class." Something in his brain clicked. "Anxiety?"

"Yeah."

"The pills helping?"

"Kinda."

"Why are you suddenly talking to me?" Marui asked.

"You get it, and I know you won't make fun of me. I always assume that people are lying, but with you I know you are so it's okay."

"Why do I think I'm a liar?"

"Because you think you would be happier if you were dead, but you haven't told anyone." Niou said it with such confidence that Marui could not respond at all. It was the truth, but only partly. "Am I wrong or something?" Niou asked.

"No. The thing is... I don't think I'd be happy even if I was dead."

Niou stared at him in a way that made Marui squirm back into his pillows, trying to hide himself. He didn't like the attention, didn't like that Niou knew so much about him. Ever since this shit storm started, he was wishing for someone to get him like Niou did. Now that Niou was there, Marui wanted him to go away so he could be alone.

It was simpler when was alone.

.

Do I want to die?

Marui sat in his tub of scorching water, rolling his shaving razor between his fingers. He wanted to stop feeling like crap. He wanted to sleep. He didn't want to have to wait out his whole life to figure out if it ever got better or not. But he did not want to die because he was afraid. What if it did get better? What if someone actually cared? What if it didn't work? What if he was more alone than before?

Marui tossed the razor into the sink and rose out of the water. He changed into pajamas, then went down into the kitchen to get chips. Salt helped. Salt, greasy foods, sugar—those were his comforts when he was anxious. Chocolate was bad, though, because then he felt bad about eating so much junk food.

"That was a short bath," his mom said, smiling. She never stopped smiling. Marui didn't know how someone could be so damn optimistic all the time. "What do you want for dinner?"

Marui thought about what Niou said, about his comfort food being pizza. His favorite pizza place also had mozzarella sticks. He could use some comfort food.

.

"So you're depressed, right? How does that work?"

Niou was sitting on Marui's bed while Marui attempted to go back to sleep. "I don't know," Marui said, though he knew how it worked scientifically. "What do you mean?"

"I'm not depressed. I've been sad before and I've felt horrible during panic attacks, but I don't think I've ever wanted to die. I just don't understand how someone can feel so badly that they don't see any other way out."

"When I started meds, my anxiety went down a lot," Marui said. "I'd never been not anxious before, so I didn't know how to act. The depression just slipped in. If I wasn't worrying, then why care at all? But I still have too much anxiety to tell my psychiatrist about it."

"But you're suicidal."

"I don't know if I am. I think about death all the time, and I wonder what would happen if I die or if I want to die, and I think that I could kill myself and how, but I never think 'I want to kill myself.'" Marui buried his head into his pillow, ashamed that he had said so much. Most people would think he was crazy if they heard him say that. "Go away," Marui said.

"I have nothing else to do but bother you," Niou said. "I'm tired of sitting on my ass all summer. My friends don't text me either."

Haruto and Hikaru came into the room without knocking, and began throwing stuffed animals and pillows at Marui until he got up to watch them play Legend of Zelda. Niou sat with them and watched, helping his brothers when they became too frustrated to play properly.

.

"Go away," Marui muttered when his door was opened. "I really don't feel well today and just want to be alone."

"Douche," Niou said.

"Not changing my answer," Marui said. "Go away. I want to sleep."

Niou sat down by his feet, ignoring him. "I could hear your dad yelling last night. Just wanted to make sure all was well. My mom's worried that he's hitting you guys."

"He would never do that," Marui said, though he was beginning to doubt that. His father was a mean drunk. "Please go away."

"Do you ever miss them?"

"Who?"

"Yukimura and the others. Hiroshi told me about the fight you had with them, and they think you're just being a bitch." Marui groaned; he didn't need to hear this. "I told them all to shut up. I haven't talked to them in a few weeks. Yukimura sent me a text saying he's there if I ever want to talk to him."

"You sound like you're laughing."

"I am," Niou said, his head hitting the wall behind him. "Dunno why."

.

The thought was one Marui's mind again as he sat on the old bench in the forest behind his house. He tried to imagine how he would react if Niou suddenly died, and decided that he would not kill himself. But he still did not have an answer to his thought:

Do I want to die?

He frowned when he could not come to a conclusion.

.

"School starts soon," Niou said. "Are you still living in a dorm?"

Marui did not like to think that in a few weeks, he would be separated from one of the few people he could talk to about his problems. His friends are school would eat with him and hang out with him, but he didn't want to scare them off by talking about things like he did with Niou.

"Yeah. You?"

"Yeah."

Marui tilted his head back against his wall. "I thought of something. Don't laugh."

"What is it?"

"I want to die, but I don't want to kill myself because I'm scared and my mom would cry and just—I just don't want to. So I was thinking that if I ever thought that I want to kill myself, I would without a problem."

"...and?"

"Well, if I ever get to a point where I want to kill myself, I'd need a reason not to. I thought it could be something stupid like waiting to be kissed or graduating or some clique shit like that, but I wondered what I would do after that."

Niou hummed. "So what did you decide on?"

"It's a baby-step program. I have to make it through the school year to get to the summer. Once that's done, I'll work on getting through the summer. Then just repeat it. So that way, I'll have a promise that I can't break, and that will stop me."

Niou held out his hand. "Promise to see you next summer, alive?"

Marui took his hand. "Yeah. Promise."

A/N: So I did not edit this at all. I may go back and look at it tomorrow. Until then... tell me your thoughts?