A/N: You may have noticed that I changed the description of this story. I am still planning on getting to that point, but it felt like false advertising to put events in the description that hadn't happened yet in the story. When I write more, I will replace the new description with the old one. So without further ado... enjoy!

Bilbo turned his face to the dragon, who had twisted around and was now looking around the cavern with those enormous golden eyes. He felt a sudden surge of hope- maybe Smaug really couldn't see him and was only guessing where he was. If he moved quietly, he might be able to find some other exit and escape from the cavern.

The hobbit crept softly to the edge of one of the piles of gold, and had nearly turned the corner when the dragon's head jerked up and swiveled in his direction. Bilbo froze again, trying to avoid Smaug's gaze, and finally the dragon spoke. His voice was low and smooth, with a slight roar behind it. Normally, it would have sent shivers down Bilbo's spine, but today the words were much more terrifying than the voice itself.

"Take off the ring."

Bilbo froze for a full second before a cascade of doubts swept through his mind. How did Smaug know about his ring? Had someone him about Bilbo? Impossible- none of the dwarves would betray the company, and no one else but the men of Lake town knew he was here. And yet… he recalled Bifur's angry words the night before, and Oin's accusatory glare. Was it possible that one of the dwarves had told the dragon that he was coming down to the cavern again today? If so, how much did he know? Did he –no, it couldn't be possible- know Bilbo's name? That would truly be the end.

The dragon seemed to weary of waiting for Bilbo to do as he said, and let out what would, on a human, have been an exasperated sigh. With Smaug, however, the breath sent a plume of fire shooting to within five meters of Bilbo, who could not contain a small shriek.

Smaug looked- there was no other word for it- smug. "I know you're there, little creature. Your smell alone reveals your location like a searchlight, and if that wasn't enough I've heard you squeak twice since entering the room. Didn't do our homework on dragons before setting out to burgle one, did we? Now remove your ring before I eat you."

Still Bilbo hesitated. It was possible the dragon was only guessing where he was. If he took off the ring, he would be entirely at Smaug's mercy. Besides, wearing the ring felt comfortable, and for some strange reason he just didn't want to take it off.

After a few seconds the dragon's eyes narrowed, and, for the first time, he began to look really menacing. Smaug spoke again, this time in a tightly controlled snarl. "Yesterday, you contaminated an extremely important experiment and absconded with a particularly valuable goblet that belongs to me. I have absolutely no compunction whatsoever at roasting you alive, so remove your ring immediately or I will burn you."

Those last four words were said in a tone so menacing that Bilbo nearly began quivering in terror. Instead, his brain seemed to divide in two, as it had done at a few points during this ordeal. One part of him was calm and controlled, seeking out the best possible solution to his problem, while the other half of his brain indulged in a full blown panic attack.

From this perspective, it was obvious what he had to do. Without any further hesitation, Bilbo removed the ring and popped into view. Panicking Bilbo started screaming about what a terrible idea this was, and rational Bilbo told it to shut up.

The dragon's eyes immediately zeroed in on Bilbo. If there was one thing Bilbo knew about dragons, it was that you should never look them in the eye, so Bilbo looked down to avoid Smaug's gaze. Thus, he didn't see when the dragon's eyes narrowed and lips curved up into a cruel smile.

"What are you?" The dragon asked. "You aren't a dwarf- you don't smell like one, and the shape isn't right. I thought initially you were some strange kind of midget human, or possibly a child, but you're fully grown and anyway the physiognomy isn't right for a human. You've clearly come through Mirkwood and over the misty mountains, so presumably hail from Arnor or Eriador. You certainly aren't a Southerner- not with that skin tone and tanning pattern. You are a single man, used to comfort but suffering hardship in the last few months. You've fought orcs and spiders and possibly trolls, you've been carried somewhere by eagles, and you have in your possession a ring of-"

The dragon suddenly paused in his rapid monologue. "Eagles…" he breathed softly, and a puff of smoke spurted out of his mouth. "a gentleman, used to luxury but forced into an adventure, travelling by eagle. This is very interesting indeed."

Bilbo, meanwhile, had never been so shocked at anything in his life as by the strange behavior of this dragon. He had assumed the dragon would question him, perhaps taunt him a bit, and then proceed to kill him one way or another. (He had not been looking forward to this last stage in the process). Instead, Smaug had reeled out amazing amounts of personal information and proceeded to mutter about eagles. Was it possible for dragons to go insane? That would be just his luck, wouldn't it? Of all the dragons in the world to be cooped up with, he had to be trapped with the crazy one, who also seemed to be able to read minds at a glance. Oh, today was going swimmingly.

"No, I am not insane, and no, I can't read minds. Your thoughts are pathetically easy to read on your face. But this is beside the point. Tell me, strange midget creature, are you acquainted with a wizard by the name of Mithrandir?"

Bilbo should probably have been offended when the dragon called him 'strange midget creature'- really, he was quite tall for a hobbit, it all depended on your perspective- but he was more shocked by Smaug's words. Mithrandir? Wasn't that what Elrond had called Gandalf? But why would Smaug be interested in Gandalf? Bilbo decided not to tell Smaug anything- he didn't want to accidentally give away information about their group or put Gandalf in danger- but the dragon was already turning away from him triumphantly.

"You shouldn't try to hide information from me. It doesn't work."

Bilbo spoke for the first time. "O Smaug the tremendous, your wisdom and knowledge is truly astounding. Forgive my impertinence, but how can you be so all-knowing?"

The dragon's lips twisted into a smirk.

"I simply observe. And I'm flattered by the compliment, or would be if you were just trying to butter me up in the hopes that I won't eat you, or perhaps trick me into giving up information that will help you to defeat me. It won't work, and anyway, at the present moment, I am essentially invincible."

"I had heard that dragons were vulnerable on their undersides, Oh Smaug the all-consuming, but I must have been mistaken, for your grandeur is clearly unsurpassable."

"You certainly were mistaken, if you thought I would rise to a goad like that." Abruptly changing the subject, the dragon continued speaking. "You don't have to worry though, or at least not for the present. I was initially planning on eating you, but now I have a better use for you. You'll be staying here for a bit." The dragon motioned around the cavern with his wing. "Please, make yourself comfortable. Would you like anything to eat? Perhaps some raw sheep head?"

Bilbo shuddered, but was unable to suppress a slight groan of hunger. He had eaten breakfast with the dwarves, but they had been trying to conserve provisions and the food had been scanty. But the dragon acting as a bizarre parody of a host was really freaking him out.

Smaug sighed, again nearly singeing Bilbo's hair from his head. "I suppose I will have to get you something to eat, or you'll collapse and be of no use as a hostage. Pity." He said this last word in an utterly dispassionate tone, as if he were talking about the weather. "Will mutton do? What do annoying midget creatures eat anyway?"

Bilbo tried not to let Smaug's constant insults shake his calm. "Well, tea and biscuits would be preferable, but mutton will do in a pinch. But I will not eat a festering sheep's head. I have standards."

Bilbo suddenly froze as he realized his own impertinence. There was nothing so dangerous as being rude to a dragon, and things had been going swimmingly, too. Luckily, the dragon seemed to have zoned out on his last few sentences, instead concentrating on his first words.

"Tea?" The dragon said, and was that shock coloring his voice? "You know about tea?"

"Um… yes?" Bilbo offered, confused. Of course he knew about tea, why would Smaug even ask?

Smaug's gaze sharpened again. "Can you make tea?"

"Of course, everyone can make tea."

"No, in fact, not everyone can make tea. The moronic dwarves that lived here before I ate them didn't even know what it was. What do you need to make tea?"

Bilbo still didn't see where this was going, but he thought it best to play along.

"Um… water. Wild herbs would do in a pinch, I suppose, although domestic ones would be optimal. I need a kettle and cups- oh, and cream and sugar if there's any available."

"Can you recognize these wild herbs?"

"Yes. But-"

"Right, we're going out."

And before Bilbo realized what was happening, or parse what exactly the dragon meant by we, Smaug had snagged his shirt on a talon and flung him lightly into a large golden tureen (those bruises would hurt in the morning, assuming Bilbo was still alive). Then, in spite of Bilbo's shocked protestations, he grabbed the rim of the pot and slowly ascended out of the cavern, towing Bilbo along.

A/N: So Bilbo finally talks to Smaug. What do you think? I kept accidentally typing John, and had to go back and replace each instance with Bilbo. Rest assured, though- Bilbo is not a reincarnation of John, or anything like that. What do you think of Sherlock/Smaug?

On a side note, I do not know when I'll be updating. I am soon going on a month long whitewater canoe trip (!) and I don't know if I'll have a chance to post before I go. Oh, and please review, although, upon further consideration, I don't want you to flame me after all.