A/N: All characters belong to Cassie Clare, yadda yadda yadda... I'm taking out my malec angst right now, don't even judge me. F U PAGE 511!

They were fighting. It was normal, in those days. Alec asked a question that dug too deep, too fast into Magnus' past. Magnus' response was always to tell his Shadowhunter boyfriend that he was his future, the past doesn't matter, all the bullshit to deter Alec from the subject.

"Magnus! I just wanted to know who you're first boyfriend was. Is that so bad?" Alec demanded., hands crossed angrily across a muscled chest. Magnus rolled his stunningly green eyes that Alec once thought exotic and mysterious, but now just seemed pretentious and judging. It was unsettling to think about the fact that the eyes that once screamed home and love now just seemed mocking and cruel.

"Yes, it is Shadowhunter. Why does it matter who I've been with? Have I not told you day after day you're the only one I see?" Magnus' voice wasn't impatient, not angry, not exasperated, just bored.

Bored. Alec realized that no matter how young and lithe Magnus' body was, he was well over 500, and maybe, just maybe that all this fighting was childish and petty in the Warlock's eyes. That no matter how pressing this issue of knowing absolutely nothing about the Warlock except what he's seen is to Alec, it will never be to Magnus.

Alec opened his mouth to say something, the angry flush that rushed through his face faded into the regular, boring, pale skin tone that Alec despised. Alec flickered his eyes up from the messy kitchen counter to Magnus' face.

It was no less breathtaking to Alec than on the first day they met. It didn't not make Alec's heart beat wildly, no matter which unflattering angle he was looking at. But there was something different. Magnus' face just looked dull. Not dull as in looks, of course. Alec could look all day and not find anything wrong with that beautiful face.

But dull as in bored. His eyes had no traces of that teasing shine that Alec fell for. It was still green, like the brightest emeralds. But it had none of the loving warmth that blinked back at Alec whenever they locked eyes. Only boredom. The lips that were rarely not quirked up in a small half-smile pulled his face into a frown.

And that's when Alec realized with a flash of recognition what that expression was. That crease between two perfectly angled eyebrows and the slight annoyed scrunch of a tall, graceful nose was only found when the Warlock had a particularly large pile of paperwork on his desk. Or when he saw the dishes that piled up in the sink that he hadn't bothered to clean yet.

He was a chore. Being with Alec was a chore, and it hurt. Gone were the days of teasing kisses against his neck, or a slim polished hand creeping under his sleep shirt. They slept in the same bed, but Magnus faced the wall on the furthest corner of the bed, even if their bed was a California King. Alec slept with his back facing Magnus', a giant awkward expanse of Canary yellow bed sheet between them.

"Are you going to say something, Alec, or are you going to continue to stare at me like your IQ is as low as that idiot brother of yours?" Magnus' voice was quiet, snarky and sarcastic. It sent shivers down Alec's frame.

Alec. Not Alexander, he hasn't been Alexander for a long time. Alexander was the boy Magnus seemed to find captivating enough to keep. Alec was a chore. Maybe whatever amazing quality that Alec seemed to possess the first few weeks, months, years that they've been together was gone. Maybe that's why he wasn't loved anymore. Maybe that's why he didn't matter anymore.

Alec's eyes shone with tears, fiercely tearing his eyes away from Magnus, it hurt too much. "I'm just going to go." His words sounded pathetic and broken even to his own ears.

"Bye." Then the Warlock stormed out of their kitchen, and seconds later the door to their bedroom snapped close with a bang. Then the sound of the door locking. He wasn't welcome there anymore. Not when Magnus was in there.

"Bye." Alec whispered feebly to no one. He looked up at the walls, all decorated with pictures of their happy years. Their kiss on the Eiffel Tower. The accidental picture Isabelle took when they were both laughing at some inside joke. All the happy memories that stuck out in Alec's heart as his most treasured moments.

Soon the walls were closing in on him, the pictures that once were picked up from their place on the wall to be smiled at, laughed at, to be remembered were now gathering dust. His clothes felt too tight, the ceiling too low and their laughing faces too painful, too mocking.

It's happening. He can't breathe and his stunning blue eyes that haven't been very stunning for a long time are bulging. He clutched his hands to his skull and just focuses on breathing. When the walls aren't spinning and the feeling in his chest that his heart is gonna burst is gone, he's fine. Or as close to fine as he's going to get.

Casting one more saddened glance at the bedroom door, he runs. He runs and runs till he can't feel his feet and his head is spinning. He's in Central Park. He's at their bench. Or what used to be their bench that they haven't visited to talk or eat a bagel or complain about last season's Louis Vuitton and how it doesn't look half as good as this seasons. Or something endearing like that.

He sat down, palms feeling itchy and his lungs are breathing in the crisp fall air that did nothing to calm his racing heart.

Alec sits down and his stomach suddenly lurches painfully. It's the kind of pain that drives Alec wild, the kind that you can do nothing for, just a kicking sensation against his stomach. If Magnus was here he'd magic it away with a snap of his fingers and a "I love you, Alexander." But he's not Alexander, he's Alec.

These moments of pain were common in Alec's life. As a Shadowhunter, he was used to pain. But since he met Magnus, all those annoying aches and pains were gone. Magnus still healed him after a fight, but he had caused the biggest injury of all: his heart. Once was a happy, fluttery heart adorned with copious amounts of glitter now had jagged scars and tears. It was imperfect, just like Alec.

Rubbing his stomach in a soothing manner, he took in the scenery of the little playground. Little kids with scraped up knees and bright futures in front of them ran playfully through the swings and slides. It still hurt to look at children, after Max. Each smiling face just sent his heart lurching painfully,reminding him that Max's smile was just as adorable, just as real. But it's not. Max was dead. Because he was imperfect. He couldn't protect him.

His heart relaxed to a dull ache instead of the incessant, pounding constricted pain he felt whenever he thought of Magnus and the fact that he was slowly being pulled away from him and Alec couldn't do anything to stop it.

The little boys and girls looked so peaceful, so happy. That the biggest problem in their life was not being able to reach the monkey bars. Alec longed to be a kid, a normal mundie kid. Because even as a kid, when you're a Shadowhunter, you have obligations. You have worries, and Alec can't help but feel he missed out on something. Something important.

Alec swallowed thickly, blinking back tears. He wouldn't cry. He's strong. He's a Shadowhunter. He's not weak. He's not weak.

But the tears are streaming down faster and faster till his vision is blurred and his throat's swollen and constricted. He's losing Magnus. He lost Max. He lost his parents the day he told them he was gay. He had no one. He was alone. His siblings haven't bothered to even contact him through the year he was gone. With each passing day, he missed them. To each passing day, he waited for a phone call, a door bell, anything. With each passing day, there was nothing. Everyone seemed happy, everyone seemed to be leaving Alec behind in the dust.

Feeling thankful that mundanes couldn't see him bawling like a baby, he stood up. His stomach had yet to stop hurting, and he had no where to go. Magnus' apartment wasn't an option.

The Institute. He missed his Parabatai and his sister. He even missed Clary, no matter how much he told himself he didn't. Simon as well. But his parents were just a cruel reminder of how much he screwed up.

He screwed up his relationship with Magnus. He screwed up protecting Max. He screwed up being a shadowhunter. He screwed being straight. He screwed up being Alexander.

Alexander was who he wanted to be. He was charming, and funny, if a bit prickly at times. He was protective of his loved ones, even if he went a bit over board sometimes. He was who Magnus fell in love with, he was happy.

Alec is who he is now. He's fiercely insecure, shy, and awkward. He's boring, he's antisocial, and he dresses in baggy sweaters that look like he just pulled them out of a dumpster. He's lost, and no one can find him. No one wants to find him. He's a screw up. He's not worth anybody's time. His worst nightmare had happened: Magnus realized all these things before he could hide them.

Because he's Alec. He's a fuck-up excuse of a Shadowhunter, a brother, a boyfriend, a son.

Jace. It still hurt to even mention the name of his adopted brother sometimes. Hurts to know that he so foolishly followed him around like a lost puppy for years he could have been loving Magnus with all his heart. But still, he's his parabatai. He loves him, loves to protect him.

"Alec." The statement wasn't a question, or of surprise. Just recognition. His brother looked no less as perfect or as blonde as he last seen him. "Hey, Jace." Alec whispered back, hoping his voice didn't sound as broken as he felt.

It did, of course. Alec was never good at covering his emotions. "Well, it's been a while, eh bro?" Jace's eyes showed none of the playful jesting his lips did. It had been a while. Ever since his parents unofficially kicked him out almost a year ago, he hasn't been back to his childhood home.

"Yeah." He stuttered out, voice breaking again. "Look, I'm sorry Jace, I'll just go-"

Jace cut him off immediately. "No! Alec, you're my parabatai, I haven't seen you in a fucking year and I have no fucking reason why. Was it me, Alec? Was it Clary? What the fuck caused you to leave your damn family, your damn brother?" Jace yelled furiously.

Alec flinched back at the tone. "I didn't leave, damn it Jace! I thought you of all people who know that! I gave this family everything! And I fucking get kicked out." Alec screamed back, eyes flashing with anger.

Jace raised a single blond eyebrow. "Come in. You're explaining everything to me. I missed you Alec. We all did." Except your parents, Alec added mentally.

The Institute looked no different than the last time he was there. Same pretentious air of elegance. Same feeling he got in his stomach of "This isn't where I belong. Never going to fit in here." Nothing changed. No one seemed affected by Alec's absence. Not even Church paid him a second glance. He really didn't matter to anybody, did he?

Turning his corner to the familiar hallway of his room, his heart jumps to his throat, blocking any speech from coming out. There are too many memories here.

"C'mon Alec. Isabelle and Clary are out today. They'll be back later. They're going to be so happy. Hopefully." Jared said then grinned that smile that 16-year-old Alec would catalog as the most beautiful thing he ever saw.

He took a deep breath and turned the handle to his room. There, in monotone colors of grey, dark forest green, black was his room. It was an ironic metaphor of his life without Magnus. The colors of his life still continued in a ridiculous stream of boring, boring, boring. Then Magnus came and color, and life and happiness wove through, pushing away the insecurity, the hurt, the inadequacy. Then it was gone, and the pristine boring-ness was all that's left.

Sitting down on the too clean, too gray bed, Alec looks around. The raggedy sweaters still folded neatly on the chair, with no glittery garments thrown carelessly on top of it. No bright flashes of color dotting the room. Just plain, depressed, muted colors that were Alec's life.

Alexander's room, however was the perfect mix of color and darkness. Where there was insecurity and sadness, was Magnus' color and happiness overpowering it. But Alexander was dead, and Alec was the empty shell that no longer held that quality that Magnus stayed for.

The sad part is, of course, Magnus isn't gone, not physically at least. He's there, he's always there where Alec can see him, can see him forgetting about him. Can see him drifting further and further away. And that's what hurts the most. Because he's too weak to pull Magnus back.

Jace hopped up on the wooden, mahogany (boring!) desk. "So, Alec. I'm going against my better judgment and not kicking your ass for leaving us without a word. I called you. I called Magnus. I went to Magnus' apartment like everyday. I fucking thought you died. So explain, bitch." Jace's eyes were turning into a warm golden shade, that did nothing to calm the nervousness in Alec.

Then the nervousness died down to nothing. Just numbness. No feelings, no emotion. Just boring. Then through the gray expanse of nothing that was his heart, there was anger. There was anger, red and apparent.

"Are you fucking kidding me Jace? I got kicked out. I fucking got kicked out by mom and dad. I told them I was thinking of fucking marrying Magnus, and they told me to get out. That I was a failure, that none of you loved me anyways. I didn't even fucking know you called me, or Magnus for that matter. I thought you left me. I thought you didn't care." Alec's chest was heaving after he lets it all out, and the anger is slowly fading.

He doesn't want it to fade, though. It's red and ugly but it's not boring. It may make him an asshole, but he'd rather be an asshole than be forgotten.

Jace's hand tightened on the desk, shock and anger evident on his face. "Alec, mom and dad kicked you out? They told us you left. Said you didn't care about this family anymore. We gave up after six months to contact you. Isabelle thought you were dead. She didn't believe it. She and I went to Magnus' apartment everyday but you were never there. Magnus didn't tell us anything." Jace said, voice passionate and angry.

"They told you... Magnus never told me you came to see me. He saw me cry myself to sleep for a fucking year thinking you all forgot about me and didn't say anything." Alec's voice was monotone, not revealing any of the anger and hurt that made him dizzy.

"I'm sorry Alec." Jace's voice did sound sorry, for once.

Then silence. Silence was Alec's friend. Silence hid the problems bursting to the surface between him and Magnus. Silence stopped Alec from yelling and screaming and hitting until Magnus saw him again. Looked at him like he's Alexander, not Alec. Boring, boring Alec.

It hid the hurt between the parabatai easily. "Alec, I had no idea. No idea that our paren- they could do something like that." Jace's voice was quiet, and it was rather unusual to see his usually so boisterous parabatai so soft-spoken.

Alec resisted the urge to snort. Of course not. Suddenly the fateful reunion he imagined for himself was slowly becoming bitter with his anger. "I called you everyday, Jace. I called you and Isabelle everyday. Why didn't you pick up? Why didn't you fucking pick up? I needed you, Jace. I fucking needed you!" Alec damn near sobbed, arms throwing up to cover his face. He was going to cry. He was going to cry in front of the person he wanted to be strong for. To be strong with.

Jace felt helpless, to say the least. He didn't know what to do when Clary cried, or when Isabelle cried, or when, apparently, Alec cried. It sent his heart in an angry frenzy, his parabatai rune pulsing painfully. "Alec, I didn't get any of your calls. I think they did something to our phones so we couldn't call you, and we couldn't get your calls. I'm so sorry Alec. Do you want me to call Isabelle? She should be home anyways, it's getting kind of late." Jace tried his best to placate his best friend, voice soft but mind fuming.

His parents did this. Made Alec this mess in front of him, ruined his family. It sent angry tizzies of hurt into his brain. He was sick of being betrayed, of being hurt by the people that are supposed to love him.

Alec's stunning blue eyes still were being hidden by his pale arms. He nodded slowly, though, and Jace smiled.

He called Isabelle, told her Alec was here and she hung up impatiently. "She'll be here in 5 minutes. Be prepared for a moody bitch on your case, man." Jace joked pathetically, listening intently to the giant calming breaths Alec was taking.

In a couple of minutes, Alec uncovered his eyes that were still slightly red and teary. "Jace. I missed you. A lot changed in a year, man." Alec's voice still sounded unsure and shaky. Jace nodded his agreement and jumped slightly when the door was flung open to see a frantic Isabelle.

She looked around the room furiously, before her eyes zeroed in on her brother on the bed. "Alec!" Then she pounced, tackling her brother to the bed. "You. Little. Bitch. Ass. Mother. Fucker. DO YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOU FUCKING PUT ME THROUGH? What you put this family through?" She was pounding furiously on his chest, tears ruining her mascara till they tracked down her beautiful face.

She was full on sobbing, eyes scrunched shut and nose running. "Alec. Alec." She kept repeating in disbelief, or sadness, or even anger. And in 20-20 hindsight, Jace realizes this was the ugliest she's ever seen her. Not that he'd ever tell her that.

Alec just took it. Hands encircled Isabelle's wrists gently. "I'm sorry, Isabelle. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Alec repeated back, and Jace felt that surge of anger again.

"Izz, it's not Alec's fault. Our dear mother and father kicked him out for wanting to get married to Magnus. Fucking ruined everything. Couldn't get out calls, and we couldn't get his. They fucked us over, forced us to forget you, Alec. We never did, though. You're my brother, I love you." Jace explained angrily, causing Isabelle's eyes to snap open to meet Jace's golden ones.

"They.. They... Alec. I'm never fucking talking to them again. I'm leaving. I'm fucking leaving." Isabelle proclaimed suddenly, getting off Alec, but still held his hand tightly. Make sure he doesn't leave again.

"No, Izzy. You need parents. Don't cut them out- not because of me." Alec said sadly, and Jace rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, we all need parents. But those people," Jace spat that part, "are not my fucking parents. What kind of fucking parent does that to their kid, huh?"

Isabelle nodded, "Yeah, Alec. I thought you were dead. I thought you were fucking dead. And they just stood and watched us cry for you, Alec. Watched us go looking for you every fucking day. What kind of fucking parent does that, huh?" She demanded angrily.

Alec shakily nodded, not really knowing what to say. Slowly, though, his heart began to heal a couple of the long, jagged scars. His siblings loved him. Still cared for him. He was happy.

"I missed you both so much, it's unreal." Alec whispered, secretly hating how weak he sounded.

"Missed you too, asshole. So tell me, did you get married to that warlock without letting me choose your dress?" Isabelle snarked playfully, not realizing the error in her words. She could see her brother blinking rapidly, blinking away the tears. She frowned, what had she said?

Alec just shook his head repeatedly. "Things.. things haven't been the same with Magnus, Isabelle." he said quietly.

"What the fuck does that mean, Alec? Is that son-of-a-bitch hurting you?" Jace demanded, eyes blazing. Alec snorted internally, 'Magnus hurting me? More like me hurting Magnus.'

"No, Jace. We're just. We're just... I don't know Jace but I just don't think he loves me anymore." Alec said softly, tears threatening to spill forth again.

It was Isabelle who spoke first. "Is that what that Downworlder said, Alec? That he didn't love you?"

Alec just shook his head furiously. "We fight. He won't tell me anything about his past and I can see him fucking flirting with other people and he's forgetting about me and Oh my god, he's going to leave me. He's going to fucking leave me, just like he left the fucking billions of other people he's been with." Alec babbled pathetically, tears already dripping down.

Jace growled. "I'm so fucking sorry Alec, that you fell in love with that kind of fucking douchebag." He spat and Alec snapped.

"Don't fucking call him that. He's perfect, I'm the one that's screwed up. I screwed up everything. I fucking killed my own damn brother, I'm fucking losing the person I love most, I haven't killed a demon till I was 18, the list just goes fucking on and on. Don't, though. Don't ever blame my fuck ups on Magnus." Alec said venomously, eyes blazing with anger. He stared at his dumbfounded but strangely pitiful looking friends, his anger slipped out of him just as fast as it came.

"Oh, Alec. None of that was your fault, none of us blame you for any of that. We love you, Alec. And you didn't fucking kill Max. Never fucking say that." Isabelle said sharply. Alec blinked up at her. It felt good, to say the least, to hear that someone actually loves a fuck up like him. Doesn't excuse the fact that he is a fuck up.

"Yeah, Alec. None of that shit was 'cause of you." Jace agreed, eyes genuine and open. No sense of lie or deceit in the golden orbs.

"I guess." His voice was flat, monotone. Just like his life. Suddenly, he felt tired. Sleepy. His head was slowly leaving his body, arms and legs limp. He felt dizzy.

Then the stomach pain was back. It started with a mere soft pressure against his lower back, then grew. It grew so painful so fast, leaving the entire lower part of his body numb with pain. His eyes glazed over, unseeing his sister's lips calling his name repeatedly and his brother's eyes flash with worry. Didn't see anything but blackness. "Alec. Alec. Alec!"

With the thought of his sister and brother, Alec hoped for the best. Then his eyes shut.\

A/N 2: Yeah, thanks for reading. Reviews=Love (and faster updates soo... wink)