Kenzi loved being a human. Loved it, loved it, loved it (except when she was on her period). She loved free will, the duality of man, not having a second head—all that stuff. There were just times she really didn't appreciate how every Fae under the sun had some awesome ritual, or destiny, or mumbo jumbo except for the lowly human. Wasn't there some Light Fae affirmative action that would give her a Colt .45 of +2 Enhanced Ass-kicking? She hated being left out.

She was in The Dal, getting her drink because those Fae A-holes had the best beer, like, brewed in barrels or under swamps or something (she hoped it wasn't some Hannibal thing where it was made out of people). And she was about—'script for The Lone Ranger' drunk when Bo traipsed in, wearing a surprisingly girly Shantung silk wrap above the usual asstacular jeans.

"Alright, what is with the doll heads?" Bo cried, holding up a decapitated Cabbage Patch Kid. "Someone tell me about the doll heads, because I woke up in a very good mood this morning, which was completely ruined when I went to get the paper and there was the head of a doll on my porch."

"You still read the paper?" Trick asked, looking up from his iPad. Oh so trendy. Kenzi stuck her tongue out at him on Bo's behalf.

"I like the comics," Bo answered, "and the paper comes in handy."

Trick set down the glass he was cleaning and gestured for the head. Bo jerked it into his hand and crossed her arms to wait for his exposition. Trick examined it casually, then dropped it into his waste bin.

"Good news!" he said cheerfully. "It's an invitation to the Bonehouse!"

"The Bonehouse?" Bo asked.

"I think Bo-bo's already been to the Bonehouse," Kenzi said, playfully popping Bo in the ribs. "Why do you think she woke up in such a good mood?"

"The Bonehouse is—well, you may have heard of a variation of it that some Fae have shared. The sweat lodge? There are also some examples in Celtic culture, but really, it's a catch-all term for a period of relaxation, negotiation, and formal détente."

"Huh?" Bo said.

"Think of it as a siesta," Trick explained. "Many of the Fae higher-ups get together, relax, dance, drink, all to foster bonds and settle grudges, avert conflicts. Makes it easier for the various leaders of the Fae to reach out to each other for the good of the community. I'm not surprised to see it being revived. The Light and the Dark having closer ties is exactly in keeping with Hale's new agenda as Ash."

"So why's Bo invited?" Kenzi asked. "I didn't think her title as 'queen of the one-night stand' was official."

"Well, it's not, strictly speaking, for just leaders, but all movers and shakers, so that they can know the lay of the land. Bo's an important voice in the community, and it's a great honor to be recognized as such."

"I think I'll pass," Bo said. "I do have stuff to do…"

"People," Kenzi corrected into the glass she was drinking from.

"And sitting around taking tea with the old white men of the Fae is not my idea of the good time."

"I don't think there'll be much tea. The Bonehouse is all about unwinding and letting your hair down, absent the burden of command that would usually weigh a celebration down. Many a prince or princess was conceived at the Bonehouse, as well as some very unexpected allegiance-marriages between Fae tribes."

"So it's Monster Mardi Gras," Kenzi said. "Awesome."

"There will be free drink, herbs, candies—" Trick sighed longingly. "It almost makes me regret leaving the Blood King behind. You should go, Bo. You deserve to have your Fae heritage bring you some excitement instead of endless gloom and doom. All you'll need is a decent ensemble, maybe a good book for when the partying dies down, a pet—" Trick winced. "No, no pet."

"Why no pet?" Kenzi looked around quizzically. "My girl loves pussy."

"Not that kind of pet," Trick said. "The Bonehouse tends to be very traditional and the only humans allowed would be… well…"

"Kenzi is not my pet!" Bo insisted.

"You have claimed her repeatedly in the past."

"To protect her! So that some freaky Dark Fae has to respect her boundaries."

"And that's the kind of nuance that would be lost at the Bonehouse. That leadership of the Fae are, to a man, old and set in their ways. Remember, two Ashes had to die before a Fae as young as Hale could even begin to be considered. As much as you see Kenzi as your equal, they would see her as…" Trick shrugged apologetically. "The Robin to your Batman. You were right, Bo, I'm sorry. I'll get in touch with the Bonehouse, make it clear you're not interested in attending."

"Wait a minute!" Kenzi held her hands up. "You say there's gonna be free drinks?"

"Yes."

"Free food?"

"Of course."

"Slammin' hotties?"

"Well, by Fae standards…"

Kenzi faced Bo. "Let's go!"

"Are you kidding? You heard Trick, they'll think you're my Labrador."

"Yeah, and you'll get a crash course on Fae politics instead of needing Patrick Stewart's Mini-Me to explain everything to you. No offense."

"I take it as a complement," Trick said.

"You can get your name out there!" Kenzi argued. "Get some Facebook friends on hand for the next apocalypse. Plus, we can steal the shit out of their buffet table. Unless you wanna take Lauren—"

"We're on break," Bo said morosely. She turned to flick a peanut off the bar.

"Really? I thought she was the most get-back-togetherable chick on the planet. Just show up at her lab in some of that lingerie you keep spending all our change on, throw her on the lab table, and boom, love amongst the bunsen burners."

"You're talking about my blood kin," Trick pointed out.

"Sorry, Trick. Your blood kin has had it slammed to her."

Bo moved her head around until she was nodding it. "You're right. Let's just go. Get away from blondes for a while."

"Fancy seeing you here," Tamsin said.

They stood in front of the door to the Bonehouse, a closed subway entrance with a doll head struck on the pike of the hand-rail. Kenzi almost stopped to give the bitch some grief for going all Serpico on her bestie, but Bo pulled her along by the hand. But that just gave Tamsin reason to slip down the stairs behind them, her eyes on Bo's ass.

"You might've left your emo at home," Tamsin added. "There's no kid table at Bonehouse."

"Okay, I am not emo!" Kenzi cried over her shoulder. "Hipster, maybe a little, but only because Godspeed You Black Emperor really does make some great music. If you're going to insult me, at least do a good job of it!"

"Don't give her the satisfaction, Kenz," Bo suggested, giving Kenzi's arm a forceful tug.

Kenzi half-embraced Bo from behind, like she wanted a pony ride, and shot Tamsin a last merciless look. "Jealous?" she mouthed, and cuddled Bo once more before letting her go.

Tamsin scowled all the way to the check-in booth someone had made out of the turnstile. "Pet?" the obsequious Ameliac Fae asked in greeting.

"I sent him ahead with my bags."

"But of course. Enjoy your stay, dear." The Ameliac opened the turnstile for Tamsin, lifting it out of the way rather than inconveniencing her with pressing through. Then he turned to Bo, lowering the turnstile once more. "Ah, Ms. Bo. Pet?"

"Her name is Kenzi," Bo said, hoping she didn't sound too shrill. Before she'd left, Trick had told her to just be calm and insistent when dealing with Fae who didn't understand.

"Of course it is," the Ameliac replied, only a little condescending. "And her brand?"

"I haven't branded her. She's my friend."

The Ameliac rolled his eyes. Maybe. It was hard to tell with seven of them. "Then I must insist on your pet wearing a collar. We can't have our guests thinking there are stray humans wandering about."

"Kenzi is a sentient being and she does not have to wear a collar if she doesn't want to."

The Amelaic stepped on a floor tile and up came a collection of collars on a pillar. "If you don't have one, the Bonehouse will be happy to provide a loaner."

Bo took a deep breath. "Do you have to wear a collar? Because the only way I would even think of making Kenzi wear a collar is if everyone had to wear a—"

"This one!" Kenzi said, holding up a thick leather collar with studs of shiny chrome up and down it. She modeled it. "I look like I'm back in high school!"

Past the subway bits, the Bonehouse looked like the kind of expensive that Kenzi could only describe as Revenge-esque. There were lots of plush chairs made of leather, and thick carpets, and bookshelves full of the kind of books that no one actually read. Their room, which a liveried human led them to, was equally swaggy, with complimentary everything that Kenzi wasted no time in shoveling into her purse. There was spiced rum and some kind of cake waiting for them. Only a precision slap on her wrist prevented Kenzi from pursing that too. Instead, she and Bo shared it, forks the extent of their table manners.

They left the cake a crescent moon of frosting and collapsed, tipsy and full, onto the bed. There was only one, a four-poster monstrosity that looked like it could fit everyone Bo would have to call if she suddenly tested positive for something.

"We've finally arrived," Kenzi said, fingering the collar she wore. It didn't chafe at all, but the weight was unfamiliar. "Private investigators to the stars, baby!"

"We're still private investigators? I thought we were just freelance do-gooders at this point. I had to update our W-2," Bo joked.

"No, I know how important private dick is to you." Kenzi wiped her mouth of chocolate and puddled onto her pillow. "Do I have time for a nap? I wanna nap like a mofo."

"Sure, Kenzi. Dinner's not until eight." Bo eyed the collar that sunk into Kenzi's pillow. "You know, you can take that off when it's just the two of us."

"Nah, I don't want to embarrass you. God knows if Tamsin came in and saw me breaking the leash laws, she'd blab about it to your entire Dark Fae clique. Hate that bitch."

"Tamsin's not that bad," Bo insisted.

"Uh-huh, just because you have les-boner for her, doesn't mean she's not dag nasty evil."

"I do not have a les-boner for her. My les-boner is only for Lauren. I am monogamous and stable and we will work things out."

"Oh, sweetie—" Kenzi extended a foot to comfort Bo's elbow as best she could. Sprawling out on the bed had not put them in the best position for girl talk. "You know, I really wish a chastity routine could get the two of you back together, but I think you've got bigger problems."

"I just want her to give me a sexy massage," Bo pouted. "She was really good at that."

"I know, babe. Go to sleep, there'll be more cake when you wake up."

Bo took hold of Kenzi's foot and cuddled it as she curled into sleep. Kenzi laid there, now uncomfortably awake, and wished she could do something to help. Stupid break-ups.

Dinner took place in what seemed, to Kenzi's Downton-Abbey-watching mind, to just be a big-ass study. Everyone sat in awesome high-backed chairs, wearing the usual James Bond cosplay. Their humans, however, wore everything from lingerie to sexy kitty outfits, and that was just the men. Kenzi felt like she'd died and gone to a James Franco movie.

Bo, for her part, wore a Breakfast-At-Tiffany's outfit, with Kenzi in a subtle reflection of her goth years that triumphantly still fit: leather pants, a fringe-y black top, and boots with five-inch heels. It was the eyeliner, she thought, that kept the whole thing tasteful. Too much and she would've looked like Marilyn Manson, but she had on just enough to bring out her eyes.

Seeing that the humans were in charge of bringing their masters food, Kenzi went to the kitchen, which looked like a cooking show had broken out, and came back with a plate of what looked most like pizza. The other pets stood by their masters' chairs, but screw that. Kenzi sat cross-legged by Bo's side and ate her almost-pizza. It tasted a lot like a gyro, but she didn't hold that against it.

Unfortunately, the dinner conversation was super-boring. The Fae were so old school they didn't even speak English, just that dumb Fae language Bo had been learning. Apparently, it worked for her. She broke out laughing quite a lot, and had them laughing in turn at "Hariq ka dou ba maheest!" Kenzi concentrated on her food so much that she quickly had the gyro-pizza polished off, and tried to spy an opportunity to go back for more, preferably during a lull in the conversation.

That didn't happen.

"I beg your pardon," a Daoine Sidhe said in English, floating up on his fairy wings from where his plate had been set on the chair—where he'd been standing—(dude made Peter Dinklage look like Shaq)—to eye Bo and Kenzi. "I'm not sure how the new generation treats their pets, but I cannot be the only one comfortable with this fragrant human cruelty!"

"Excuse me?" Bo said, bristling.

"Your human!" the Daoine Sidhe said. "Look at her! Clearly, she's uncomfortable and in need of attention! Pet her, for Zeus's sake!"

"Yeah, Bo," Tamsin piped up, sipping her wine in villain-chillin' manner. Kenzi bristled. "Just by looking at her, you can tell this human hasn't been touched in ages."

"Fine. You want me to pet her?" Bo slapped her hand down on Kenzi's head and began to rub. "There. I'm petting her."

"You have a fine-looking human there!" the Daoine Sidhe persisted, floating back down to the plate of food. "You should take better care of her."

"Kenzi can take care of herself!"

The Fae looked about at each other like Bo had just suggested dressing up in Halloween costumes and playing cricket, though that probably would've had more takers.

"Uh, Bo?" Kenzi said softly. "Little to the left please?"

Bo scratched there, just behind Kenzi's ear. Kenzi leaned into it. As long as she was getting a scalp massage, might as well enjoy it.

"Well, obviously I take care of Kenzi when she's in trouble she can't handle. Just last month I saved her from a kitsune."

"That's all well and good," said a Hsien who had obviously grabbed a new body for the celebration, one still with the fresh scent of embalming fluid on it. "But having a human is more than just feeding and clothing them. You have to give them love—let them know you care. They're very needy creatures."

"Guys, we cuddle all the time." Bo cast a quick look at Kenzi, then continued in the Fae tongue. Whatever she said seemed to break the tension. Most of them laughed appreciatively, then moved on to listen to a troll tell a lengthy anecdote.

Kenzi didn't listen. It all might as well be C-SPAN. C-SPAN on Telemundo. She just let Bo scratch her scalp. It felt nice. Really nice. For a part-time lesbian, Bo had great nails.

"Kenzi," Bo whispered in English, so as not to interrupt the troll's story. "Wanna lay down on my lap?"

"Wha?"

"Lay your head down on my leg. You look tired. And you're a human; no one expects you to stay awake for this."

"Keep scratching?"

"Of course, Kenz."

Kenzi contentedly laid her cheek down on Bo's well-muscled leg, her stocking nice and soft, the skin underneath even softer. Even Bo's nails were soft, in a way, as they moved to scratch the back of Kenzi's neck. Kenzi sighed lovingly. She was so lucky to have met Bo. Even if Bo were human, she'd be awesome, but her being Fae was, like, double-awesome. She smiled to herself. She almost wouldn't have minded belonging to Bo for real. The succubus did take great care of her. Like a big sister, or a really manly boyfriend, just with boobs.

Suddenly, she found herself actually moaning out loud as Bo took hold of her neck and dug her thumbs into muscles Kenzi hadn't even known were sore. Her nerves crackled like lion-tamer whips. It felt really good—like, awesome foreplay, tickle-fight, cheating on a diet good. But it was also super-relaxing. Like she was having a dream so good, it was in her head even before she actually fell asleep.

"You okay, Kenz?" Bo asked, a little concerned. She'd misinterpreted the moan.

Kenzi nodded a little into her thigh. She'd moved a little up Bo's leg—enough to fit her whole head onto the decadent bit of fat in Bo's otherwise athletic legs. She'd squeezed her arms up there too, resting them on Bo's far leg. It gave Bo more to work with; she felt those soft nails scratching amicably over Kenzi's forearms.

"Guess you really needed this," Bo whispered.

"Sleepy human," Tamsin said sweetly—wait, Tamsin?

Kenzi opened her eyes. Her head and shoulders were still nestled in Bo's lap, but the other Fae had left. Only Tamsin was left, standing over them in her pleasantly unhelpful way.

"Need some help tucking her in?"

"I think I'll just stay here until she wakes up," Bo replied, equally nice-nasty to Tamsin.

"Better hope her wet dream ends soon. The servants will be coming by to clean up soon. Maybe Kenzi can talk to them, human-to-human. Something about destroying the environment, or Honey Booboo."

"Kenzi doesn't watch Honey Booboo and you know it," Bo insisted, but Tamsin was already sashaying away.

Kenzi lifted her head after she was gone. Her head felt nicely… big. All unspooled from Bo's thoughtful massage. "What was that all about?" she asked drowsily.

"Nothing. Let's go to bed. We have a busy day tomorrow."

Bo stood up beside Kenzi, cracking her bones. Kenzi winced at a particularly loud pop. She wondered how long Bo had indulged her in playing pillow.

"Maybe I should give you a massage of your own back at the ranch," Kenzi suggested.

Bo looked abashed. "Only if you want to."

"I just offered, didn't I?" Kenzi swung her hips out to bop Bo, who didn't even crack a smile. She just headed for the door. "Hey, c'mon, I was just playing…"

Despite how weird Bo was acting, Kenzi felt asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. She woke up to the glow of the gentle Fae-lamps and a tray of Belgian waffles delivered by her favorite succubus.

"OMG, if I am a cat, I must be one of those Persian cats that get spoiled rotten." Kenzi dug in, breakfast in bed, and only noticed Bo's queasy laugh three gulps in. "Hey, Bobo, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. Trick was right. I should've brought a book. Today's gonna be pretty dull."

"What d'ya mean? I thought you were all looking forward to the day's festivities. Didn't you go to bed last night with visions of sugarplums dancing in your head?"

"I, uh… misunderstood some things. Guess I'm not as good at speaking the mother tongue as I thought. Anyway, it's not important. We'll just have a little daytime sleepover."

"What are we, on Planet Lame? Hold up." Kenzi took a bite of waffle and a gulp of milk, because she really was starving. "Okay. What's going on with the Bonehouse. They're not, like, hunting someone for sport, are they?"

"No."

"Oh Jesus, it's people, isn't it? They're serving us people. We've eaten people, haven't we?" Kenzi looked at the waffles as if she might find a gold filling in one. "Haven't we?"

"Kenzi!" Bo said sternly, calming Kenzi down with her forcefulness. Funny how that worked. "It's nothing like that! I'll tell you exactly what it is, though. I thought today was a special Fae event where human pets are free to 'switch masters,' and I've had a number of offers to… serve under me. And I thought that was all it was, just some no-strings-attached sex. But it turns out, for me to get with a pet, I would have to give their master equal time with my… you."

"Holy shit, I'm clit-bricking you."

"You," Bo said soothingly, "are the best wingman of all time, so don't even worry about my clit. You've done more than enough on that account. This is just a bunch of old, fucked-up Fae doing old, fucked-up Fae stuff and we don't need to have any part of it. Tomorrow is a nice, normal egg hunt and that we can enjoy, guilt-free."

"Still feels pretty wack," Kenzi groused, so unhappy she could barely even chew her latest mouthful of Belgian waffle (but it really was good, so she did). "I'm your BFF. BFFs don't let BFFs not get laid—or something."

"Kenzi," Bo whined with good humor. "As hard as this is to believe, you are much more important to me than a hard penis." She swooped down to wipe some syrup off Kenzi's chin. "Even a really big one." Then she sucked it off her thumb.

There wasn't any TV in the room—Fae conservatives were even worse than regular conservatives—but Kenzi had about a million hours of New Girl on her phone, so they laid in bed and watched that and ate a pretty awesome Fae chip dip to their heart's content.

At least until someone knocked at the door.

Kenzi sprang into action, rolling out of bed and brushing some food dust off herself before getting the door. "Oh, it's you," she greeted. Tamsin smirked at the impolitic welcome.

"I feel like we got off on the wrong foot," she said, smarmy with insincerity. She breezed past Kenzi to Bo, who stayed in bed in a subconscious pin-up pose. Kenzi rolled her eyes. Total les-boner. "I hear you backed out of our little… swap meet, and I have to think it's because you didn't realize little Kenzi would have to get her hands dirty."

"Who Kenzi gets involved with is her business and her choice," Bo said, sounding a little sanctimonious even to Kenzi.

"And I wouldn't dream of having it otherwise," Tamsin said, dropping her purse by the door, right on top of Kenzi's favorite shoes. "But honestly, hitting the meat market isn't my idea of a good time. So how's this—you take my pet for a little 'walk' and I spend some quality time with Kenzi. Not doing anything… untoward. Just some girl talk."

Bo fixed Tamsin with a dubious stare. "I'm not interested in whatever Fae groupie you're offering."

Tamsin whistled. "Here Precious, here boy."

A man stepped into the doorway. It was Sexy Kitty Guy. He was a Very Sexy Kitty Guy.

"He's a big fan," Tamsin said, drawing out the third word in the sentence.

"I… I…" Bo stopped counting abs and focused on Tamsin again. "How do I know you didn't just tell him to act interested in me so you could get me in some sort of death-trap?"

"You're a succubus. Any succubus worth her bra must be able to tell when someone's truly into him."

Bo's eyes flashed a little blue. She nodded a little. "I can feel his want from here," she said, almost to herself.

"Eeesh," Kenzi said, getting dressed for company. This consisted of putting her commemorative Star Trek tribble slippers on (her last boyfriend had been such a stealth nerd).

Bo snapped out of it and back to Kenzi. "It's really her decision. I'd never do anything she was uncomfortable with."

"Are you kidding me? Tap that, sister. I'll be fine."

"Well, if you insist." Bo was out of bed at warp speed and offering her arm to Precious, who took it gladly.

"Make good choices," Kenzi called as the door swung shut behind them.

Tamsin sat on the bed. "So… when the cat's away, how's the mouse play?"