Chapter 2: The Legend

"What's with this thing?" Gray inquired, raising a skeptical eyebrow. "Is this Excalibur?"

Before them stood a small, albino creature wearing the top of a white suit with a strange, lacy collar around what was supposed to be his neck. His head was a cylindrical shape with a long nose they could only consider a horn and two, large black eyes on either side. Adorning his head was a sky scraping top hat, the same color of his suit and generally, his whole body. He was without pants and had large, rabbit-like feet and in his hand was a pallid cane.

"Is it a sword or an albino rabbit thing?" Natsu whispered, not sure if the creature had ears or not.

"Look at it's nose," Gray replied just as softly. "Are you sure it's a rabbit and not a penguin?"

"So which is it?" Lucy demanded between them. "A rabbit or a penguin?"

They were all silent for a second before Happy floated up behind them, answering in a dark voice, "An albino renguin."

"A 'renguin'?" Lucy inquired skeptically. "Happy, that sounds st—"

"Fool!"

Lucy squeaked when the creature before them made its move, lashing out with his cane to position it in front of the celestial wizard's nose.

"I am no such thing! My legend dates back to the twelfth century, you know. I am the legendary Holy Sword Excalibur. Not this cat you speak of."

"Renguin," Natsu corrected with a bewildered look. "We called you a renguin, not a—"

"Fool!" Excalibur turned on his heel, tapping his cane against his barely noticeable shoulder. "I know what you called me. I know what you think of me. Tell me where you're from."

"From the Fairy Tail Gui—" Natsu began to answer before Excalibur raised a cane to his face, cutting him off abruptly by declaring, "Fool! I am aware of that. The tattoo on your shoulder shows as much, just like the star shaped tattoo that other boy had, in the exact place, too. However, he wasn't from a magical guild. Say…"

Natsu reeled back in alarm as the tip of the Holy Sword's cane nearly drove itself up his nose.

"You do look familiar," Excalibur mused to himself. "By chance are you both related? It certainly would explain a lot, from the time you stepped into this cave to the moment right here and now. Although, both your pupils are completely different, no doubt from a lack of bean sprout consumption as children."

Natsu, Gray, Erza, Lucy, and Happy all blinked, staring at the babbling creature with incredulous faces.

"Familiar to who?" Lucy inquired at the same time Natsu demanded, "Lack of bean sprout consumption? And what do you mean our pupils are different?"

"Figures you wouldn't remember," Excalibur sighed, turning and strutting across the small plateau of rock and digging the end of his cane into the ground. "Shall I tell you my legend? Perhaps you shall remember who it is I speak of. Of course, if you would like, I can always get to that during the five hour story telling party."

"Excuse me," Erza interjected, stepping forward to stand before Excalibur. "We were sent on a mission to remove you from the area. We received word from the clan of fairies living here they want you gone."

"Yeah, and we totally understand why," Gray muttered, crossing his arms and scowling at the Holy Sword. "So if you could make this easy for us and just pack up, we'd appreciate it."

The albino figure was silent, save for his cane tapping on the ground thoughtfully. With a flick of his stubby wrist, his cane spun around through the air until it was facing Erza. "Fool! My home is here in this rock fortress. You may not understand, but the fairies here thrive in my presence. They may not know it now, but once I've disappeared, they'll understand what my being here brought them."

"Wha…?" Happy groaned from his place in Lucy's arms.

"I will not leave my home. Would you ask the water in a river to leave the deep canals? Of course not!" The legendary blade drove his cane back into the ground, apparently wanting the conversation to be over, or at least they assumed such.

"I'm sure the river will do a better job of doing what it's told," Gray snapped impatiently.

"Fool! A river wouldn't be able to hear your requests," Excalibur argued, tipping his tall hat back. "A river is simple stream of water, pouring out into a great expanse such as an ocean, sea, lake, or another body of water. I suppose it could even run off into a larger river, but that might classify the original river as a stream or a smaller tributary. However, if we go by that logic, perhaps we've been talking about a stream all along, or maybe a tributary. Tributary is a much fancier word, though I enjoy the word stream. It's decided then, we're talking about a stream. Now, if this tributary we're discussing was to listen to the words of people, we could avoid tedious things such as pollution or the lack of fish because of the abundance of fishing. The streams in the world, emptying into great bodies of water, would be the cleanest water. Our percent of sicknesses and diseases would fall graciously. This world would thrive, carrying on thousands of years from now, though I suppose the sun has to have a say in everything. I guess the only way to avoid such an apocalyptic end would be to kill all of the frogs in the world. Any objections?"

Lucy was crushing Happy in her arms as blood vessels strained under her skin. With a strained voice, she hissed, "What's with this freak? Does it look like we're smart enough to follow his irrational way of thinking? I wouldn't be surprised if his stupid hat was covering up the wound where his skull was gouged out when his brain was taken from him!"

"Fool!" Excalibur yelled, spinning his cane on his stubby arm. "I am not familiar with neuropsychology, however if you insist I take a look at your patterns of thinking, I once worked with a man who had the most intriguing mind."

"No way! You're not touching my head, you creep!" Lucy shrieked, letting Happy plummet to the ground as she grabbed fistfuls of her blond hair, holding her head protectively.

"Come now, don't be so confusing," Excalibur sighed, closing his eyes and shaking his head. "I can never follow a young person's train of thought. It's too baffling."

"Is that so?" Natsu snarled, cracking his fists with a countenance of anticipation. "What about if you were to roast the brain of the listener? Would that help them out at all?"

"That is an interesting thought, however, I doubt it. There's only so many numbers a clock's face can hold. Usually, the limit is twelve, however I once lived in a town where the numbers on a clock went all the way up to sixty-three point five. It was always one-thirty in that city."

"Erza, I can't take it anymore!" Gray yelled, clapping his hands over his ears. "As much as I hate to back down, this guy is ridiculous!"

"The fairies wanted us to take care of him!" Natsu declared, leaping into the air with a flaming fist. "They didn't specify how, so if we reduce him to charcoal, we're still completing the mission!"

Excalibur didn't appear bothered by the sudden turn of events and nimbly leaped out of the way as Natsu came crashing down beside him. The cave shook from the force of the punch, and the fire user shakily got to his feet, staring in confusion at Exaclibur from where the Holy Sword stood a few yards away.

"Fools! You cannot land a scratch on my legend!" Excalibur declared, raising his short arms. "How do you hope to destroy me?"

"Deep fry, flash frozen, we don't really care!" Gray exclaimed impatiently, sending shards of ice at the legendary being. "If you prefer being skewered by an impressive amount of sharp blades from Erza, that's fine by us. Death by spirits, go to Lucy."

"And if you want to be beaten by sea food, I can arrange that!" Happy piped up, soaring into the air with an armful of fish, crabs, starfish, and what looked like strangely colored shrimp.

Excalibur deflected the daggers of ice Gray had shot at him with a sweep of his cane, disintegrating the frozen pieces and leaving them all gaping.

Erza attempted to send a milieu of swords at the white creature, but every time one got too close, he seemed to vaporize into the air and reappear a few feet away.

"Don't you understand my legend, young ones?" Excalibur called over their battle cries. "It starts in the twelfth century, when I was born old and wise."

"Then you've been living way too long, Gramps!" Natsu roared, sending a mouthful of flames at the Holy Sword. To his dismay, Excalibur simply dodged yet again, ignoring Lucy's celestial spirit Virgo who was attempting to throw punches and kicks at him.

"If you plan on staying here any longer, I believe we can begin the five hour story telling party now," Excalibur sighed, tapping his cane against the top of his crooked hat to right it. "Shall I begin with the journey for the perfect paper crane, or perhaps that lovely time in Brazil would be a nice place to begin a story. No, the absolutely ideal beginning would be—"

"Okay, fine!" Erza cried, startling them all and they all turned to face her with incredulous expressions. "Stay in your cave," The mage sighed, shaking visibly, most likely from the annoying presence the legendary sword held. "We'll let a different team take care of this one."

"Amen to that," Lucy moaned, already trudging into the cool river leading to the entrance of the cave. Even as Virgo faded away back to the Celstial Spirit World, she didn't call for Horologium and tiredly continued on her way.

"But Erza," Natsu protested, but the look Erza sent him had him following Lucy in seconds, along with Gray who shot one last glare at Excalibur.

The exhausted team passed by a small cluster of fairies who'd been watching their battle, and Erza stopped to address them. "I deeply apologize for our failure, but there is no way we can physically defeat him and leave your cave standing. I am sorry."

The fairies all took on the same grimacing faces as the first fairy they'd met coming in, but Erza wasn't sure if it was displeasure directed at her and her friends, or the fact they'd have to live with Excalibur for awhile more. Either way, she was too tired to care.

"Aw, man!" Natsu growled, stalking away through the calm river. "And I thought this would be a piece of cake!"

"Piece of a fool's cake, sure," Gray muttered beside him with a smirk.

"Shut up."

-/-\-|-/-\-

A/N: I absolutely love writing Excalibur rants. It's such an easy escape from writer's block. Anyway, thanks for reading. (If you read that long, tedius paragraph that had no meaning whatsoever, congratulations, you have a strong soul.)

Excalibur's classification by Happy, the Albino Renguin, is something my friends and I came up with. He isn't a legendary weapon to us, but rather an Albino Renguin. Something ridiculous… it suits him better. ^^

This is my first time writing for Fairy Tail, I have not seen all of Fairy Tail, I only watch the important bits. So if there's anything wrong, that's why... Again, thanks for reading.