Deep Ravine

Epilogue

Miyako ran across the garden, pumping chubby toddler arms and chubby toddler legs, before tripping over a tree root and landing face first in the grass. Mai held her breath for a moment, waiting for the shriek and the tears. But they did not come. Instead, Miyako pushed herself upright and continued on, laughing, oblivious to the bits of leaves in her hair, the bright green stains on her red leggings.

"She's pretty tough," Katara observed.

Mai's voice was full of pride. "She is." Pausing, the Fire Lady turned to face her friend. "Zuko wants a second one." Another pause, this one longer. "I'm terrified."

"It's been a long road for you, Mai." The waterbender and healer put a hand on Mai's shoulder. Empathy swam in endless blue eyes. "I understand your fear. How could you not be afraid?"

"I don't know if I can do it. And if I do, and I suffer the depression again….again….I'm still not like I was, not entirely, despite your help. I might not come out of it next time. It might be worse." The Fire Lady's raspy voice trembled.

"And it might be completely different. You might not suffer anything but happiness. Think of the joy you could be missing out on."

"I've considered all that, Katara," Mai snapped. "Is it worth the risk? That's what I have to decide."

"What about Zuko and his wants, his needs?"

Anger flared in Mai and began to burn. Somewhere far down, she knew that her friend was simply forcing Mai to see all the angles, all the sides, to consider everything before making a decision about future children. But implying that she'd forgotten Zuko's wants, implying that she was making this whole situation all about her, infuriated the Fire Lady.

"That's not fair, Katara." Mai's fists were clenched and her mouth a tight line. "You know how much I love Zuko. You think I don't want another child? You think I would deprive my husband on some kind of whim?"

Katara flinched and stepped backward, away from the rage, away from Mai's burning eyes. "No, I, uh, I just wanted you to think about everything…"

"I have; I've thought about every single thing, every person involved, how I might cope if it happened again, who Zuko could get to help him with the children if I….., where I could go if I had to leave…..everything. You don't know what it was like, what it's still like. Every day is a struggle. Every day I wake up and I have to fight my way through to the end. Yes, it's better, so much better than fifteen months ago. And yes, there are good moments, good hours, and I love my family more than I thought possible. But, it's still inside me. And if it comes out again, fully, I don't know if I could stand it."

She felt exhausted now and dropped down to the grass, heedless of her robes and the way they crumpled beneath her, heedless of the damp from the earlier rain. Sensing her mother's distress, as she seemed preternaturally able to, Miyako trotted back and settled on Mai's lap, pressing her body into the bigger one, stroking Mai's arm with sweet tenderness.

"Mama," she said, staring up and Mai's heart shattered.

"Miya." Mai wrapped her arms around the toddler, gathering courage from her closeness. "Mommy loves you," she whispered, tickling the girl's ear. Miyako's laughter infected Mai and she flashed a weak smile. "I'm sorry, Katara, for blowing up like that. I seem to have misplaced some of my restraint."

"Don't mention it. You're feeling a lot. It's good to let it out." She plopped down beside her friend. "I don't know how to advise you. Having a second baby is taking a chance. This sounds heartless, but I'm glad I'm not in your shoes."

"I'm glad you're not too. And I'm glad that you and Aang came for a visit. We don't see enough of each other."

That was true, though at that moment, Mai wished Katara would vanish and Zuko appear. She needed him to hold her and needed to talk and needed to make some sort of decision or come up with a guideline for their future. Iroh would say to let nature take its course; if a baby came, wonderful, if not, so be it. But Mai wanted more control than that.

"Let's head back," the waterbender suggested. "Kya and Bumi must be driving Aang crazy by now. He's not always around, but when he is, he dives into fatherhood with everything he's got."

Mai detected a wistful edge to Katara's words. Everyone had problems. "All right, yes; I want to speak with Zuko anyway. But we'll see you all at dinner, right?"

"Would not miss it," Katara enthused.

~~~~0000~~~~

Zuko swooped Miyako off her feet and covered her face with kisses. "Looks like my little girl had fun. How about my big one?" He examined Mai with thoughtful eyes, taking in everything. "You and Katara had a talk?"

"We did; a talk about a second child." She kept her tone neutral.

He let out a huff of air and closed his eyes. It was something they'd danced around for months now, Zuko hesitant to broach the topic, Mai filled with stiff tension. He blurted out his next words. "Mai, please, we don't need to have another baby. Miyako's enough."

But the Fire Lady caught the look he gave their daughter and knew he was not lying exactly, but saying what he thought Mai needed to hear. He was quite willing to sacrifice the idea of another daughter or a son for the sake of Mai's mental and emotional well being. That's what he thought Mai needed. And she loved him for it.

"She is enough. She's amazing. But I can see the longing in you, Zuko."

"I can't ask you to risk yourself. I won't do it. Yes, I'd love another child. But I love you. I need you. And without you none of it would be the same, none of it would matter nearly as much."

"I don't want to give in to fear. I want to live my life, our life, the way we've always planned."

"Things change, Mai. Plans change. We've got our little family. I'm okay with that….honestly."

Mai plucked a blade from her sleeve and twirled it, round and round and round until the fire inside her cooled. Miyako watched with eyes wide, fascinated by the spinning, shiny metal and mother briefly wondered whether daughter might enjoy throwing knives one day too. Nothing would make her prouder.

"Yes, things change."

And nothing in life was predictable. No matter your wealth, your position, your strength, your intelligence, some things were simply beyond your control. Making the most of what you have, what was given to you, that was the trick.

Still, Mai felt as though she was giving up on something, not fighting for what she and Zuko had every right to experience. She felt relieved too. And she worried.

"You won't hate me twenty years from now and blame me for not giving you a bigger family?"

"I can't believe you're asking me that."

"I'm asking. So answer."

"No, no I won't. I've told you before, Mai, that I could never hate you. And none of this is your fault." He stepped closer to Mai, set Miyako down and tugged his wife into his arms. "And," he added, "You've handled it all with such grace. I admire you."

Somehow, that was exactly what Mai needed to hear. "Thank you," she replied. "Really, thank you."

Thank you for loving me through this. Thank you for accepting me completely, the bad and the good. Thank you for being such a good father and a good man. Thank you for everything wonderful you bring to my life, for bringing out the best in me.

Mai cupped her husband's cheek before giving him a quick kiss.

"So, should we get cleaned up for dinner? I'll give Miya a bath. She needs it. And I haven't seen much of her today."

"Mmm, yes, that would be good. Want me to lay out some clothes for you?" Mai wandered over to the wardrobe and began to rifle through tunics and pants.

"All right," Zuko called over his shoulder.

A few minutes later, giggling and splashing and silly noises came from the bathroom. Mai wiped away tears, mourning for the second baby she would never have, reveling in the joy her first and only brought her now, after so much turmoil, after such a terrible battle.

"It will be fine," she told herself. "We'll be fine."

And for the first time since Miyako's birth, Mai truly believed it.