"A Pair of Idiots"

Setting: KHR, adult life
Pairing: XS (Xanxus/Squalo), side 5927, side 8018
Rating: M
Genre: Romance/Humor
Point of View: Third-person
Warnings: Homosexual relationships, swearing, insecurity, attempts at humor, baby smut, and possible OOC. Italics are flashbacks, thoughts, or stressed words.
Further Notes: VOIIIII.

"For the last time Xanxus, stop coming to me for your love problems. I am neither your love consultant nor therapist."

Tsuna wished he could bash his head into his office desk, but he knew Gokudera would over worry and Reborn would shoot him for getting blood on the documents. Maybe he could find a nice floor or wall or something where no one will see him lessen the amount of brain cells he currently had.

Because, seriously, every time Xanxus got fed up with Squalo, he came over and threatened to shoot him until he helped. Can't grown men take care of their own relationship issues? When Hayato and I fight, however rare it is, we figure it ourselves. Decimo thought irritably. Gokudera, surprisingly silent at his desk to the right, looked like he wanted to either shoot himself with the gun he kept in his desk drawer or burst into laughter.

"Trash, don't make me shoot you," The Varia boss took aim with his weapons.

I don't see how shooting me will solve this, Tsuna wished to say, but instead sighed in exasperation and said, "What's wrong now?" And like always, Xanxus didn't answer, like he expected Tsuna to just know or something. His intuition didn't have those kinds of powers damn it. "Use your words, Xanxus," He said as if he was talking to a child.

"Trash," Xanxus growled.

"A word other than 'trash' would be helpful," Tsuna was talking to a child. A thirty-four year old child was coming to him for love problems. "Or should I send you back to elementary school so you can brush up on basic Italian?" Really, even the brunette had his limits when it came to patience, especially when it was Xanxus. Hayato had the unfortunate duty of giving his tenth liquor during or before any dealing with Xanxus or the Varia in general.

"He's pissy," The child unhelpfully said, ignoring the comment on his intelligence.

"And he's pissy how?" Tsuna raised an eyebrow. He picked up his half empty glass of whiskey, swallowing it when Xanxus looked like he was constipated for Vongola's sake. Constipated with love or what? Just spit it out already. Tsuna mentally sighed. One glance towards his lover let him know the silverette wanted to laugh at the situation.

"He's ignoring me."

"And why do you think that, Xanxus? Have you done something to anger him?" Other than hair pulling, glass throwing, wine spilling, and the finickiness you seem to have over food.

"No."

"Are you sure?" The sky asked.

"No."

"...Right. Well why don't you ask him? Words other than 'scum' and 'trash' arranged into a question like 'what's bugging you' or 'what's the matter' may help you with that." He watched as the other stormed out of the office without another word, slamming the door shut and nearly shattering it into a thousand pieces.

Hayato practically died of laughter seconds later. Tsuna, however, wasn't sure he would find it hilarious if and when Xanxus will undoubtedly come back.

"VOI, Storm brat."

Hayato knew that voice. He cringed, suddenly regretting ever laughing at poor Tsuna's expense (even though he quickly apologized several times once he could breathe again) when it came to Xanxus. He turned slowly, spotting Squalo make his way towards him.

"What?" The bomber snapped; he had things to do damn it! Like kiss the tenth, or make out with the tenth, or have sex with the tenth, or-

"Help me." The sword emperor bluntly stated, cutting his train of thoughts off.

"With what, pray tell?" Gokudera knew he shouldn't ask, but he couldn't help be curious as to what the hell was ruining the relationship between the Varia idiots.

"Xanxus is ignoring me."

"...okay?" Well, that didn't sound like anything Xanxus said. "What do you want me to do?"

"Tell me how you get the Vongola brat's attention. You essentially have the same relationship of right hand and boss." The Rain Varia sounded uncharacteristically calm, no foreshadowing of yelling present.

"Uhh..." The Storm blinked, "I usually just say his name. Sincerely, I guess. It typically works. We've never really avoided each other before; even if we fought...What are you fighting about exactly?"

"You're unhelpful." Squalo deadpanned and Gokudera wished to smack the idiot. Don't come to me for help then, he thought, fingers twitching for bombs.

"Then figure it out yourself or ask Yamamoto. He's got more of a relationship with a protective nut job; maybe that'll help." Hayato took his leave while the other was contemplating this.

He hid himself in Tsuna's office straight afterward.

Yamamoto blinked repeatedly. What was Squalo doing here in Vongola's training rooms?

"Yo, Squalo," He greeted, resting Shigure Kintoki on his shoulder. "What's up?"

"Voi, I need your...assistance."

"Assistance? That's rare," Takeshi blinked, "actually, I don't think you've ever come to me for help ever."

"Shut up," Squalo smacked the male upside the head. "How do you get the Cloud brat's attention?"

"Kyouya's attention?" Takeshi blinked again. "He does like to ignore me, so I do say his name repeatedly. I also fake a few swings at him until he fights back or gets fed up and says something...Did something happen between you and Xanxus?"

"Anything else?" The Varia Rain said impatiently, ignoring the question.

"Typically if we're sleeping, I poke him; though its a bad idea. Kyouya hates being woken up after all."

"What if you can't find him?" Squalo sighed, wondering how suicidal his apprentice was.

"I yell his name down the halls. One time I called for him over the intercom and sang obnoxiously down the wing until he got mad enough to come to me." Yamamoto grinned and Squalo facepalmed. He turned around and walked away, ignoring any questions the other asked.

Are all Vongola brats this useless?

"Trash!"

Tsuna jumped as his locked door was blown open. Hayato placed a hand over his mouth, and shook his head slightly to keep them hidden under the desk. Their shirts were already half off, and Gokudera's free hand was in the brunette's pants.

I'm gonna need a new door again. Tsuna absently thought. He watched as Hayato scooted underneath the desk to hide them better, and the two were deathly quiet. They met their eyes, starting a weird telepathic conversation.

I really don't wanna get caught in this position. The sky thought-said.

If we stay really quiet, he'll go away. The storm replied.

I hope so...

"Stupid trash isn't here...I'll just have to wait." The two blanched as they heard Xanxus sit on the couch near the front of the office. The two blanched and thought,

We're fucked.

Holy shit we're stuck here...Hayato! Tsuna wanted to cry.

I'm on it! The silverette pulled out his phone from his pants pocket as quietly as possible. He scrolled down to Yamamoto's number and sent a text which read 'SOS, Tenth's office.'

What now?

Now we wait...

Yamamoto blinked as his phone beeped, watching as Squalo stormed off. Reading the message, he looked to Squalo.

"Squalo! I have an idea!" He said, catching the other's attention.

"An idea?"

"Yessir!" The rain laughed and Superbi nearly decided to turn around and walk away. But at this point...

"What do you have in mind?"

How much longer? Tsuna frowned.

A minute or two I think. Hayato shrugged, fiddling with his phone to keep his hands occupied. Otherwise one would be back down the pants of the brunette.

"Attention, Attention," Yamamoto's voice came over the rarely used P.A. system.

What is he doing? The two frowned.

"This is a lost child announcement," Takeshi continued, "Once again, this is a lost child announcement."

He isn't. Shit, Yamamoto's gonna die. Hayato blanched.

"The child is 34 years old, 188 centimeters tall, and goes by the name Xanxus. Again, the child is 34 years old, 188 centimeters tall, and goes by the name Xanxus. His caretaker, Squalo, is waiting for him in the conference room. If you see Xanxus, please direct him towards the conference room. Thank you."

There was thick tension in the silent office. The two hiding under the desk heard a deep growl come from the lost "child" and listened as he stomped out furiously.

Silence...

until Hayato busted out into giggles first. Tsuna couldn't help but laugh as well.

"I know you call him a child, but that was seriously hilarious!" The storm snickered. Tsuna smiled, and the two got out from under the desk.

"Let's get out of here," The brunette said and the two ran from the office, giggling, and hid straightaway into Tsuna's room while they ordered a new door for the office and continued their previous activities.

Yamamoto expertly dodged the oncoming Xanxus by hiding out in a closet. When he stepped out, he found Hibari looking at him like he was mentally challenged.

"What?" He asked innocently.

"You're an idiot," The skylark rolled his eyes.

"On the contrary, I think it's quite clever. Besides, it was funny, and I tapped Squalo to a chair." Takeshi grinned. Hibari sighed, and dragged the other off without another word.

Xanxus passed by maids, butlers, and various servants that looked like they were about to bust a gut. It took all he had not to shoot them. When he passed by the Vongola Sun trash, the other wisely stepped aside for him. The Varia leader spared him for that very reason.

He made it to the conference room and kicked open the doors in fury. His eyes landed on Squalo, who was duct taped to the chair by his wrists and legs.

"VOI, it wasn't my idea!" The shark said when Xanxus stomped over and aimed a gun to his face. "The stupid Rain brat said he had some idea or another and knocked me out with a surge of rain flames!"

"Weak trash," The leader snorted. Squalo growled.

"Get this stupid tape off me."

"No."

"What?"

"No." Xanxus sat on the table in front of the other.

"Why?" Squalo asked, calmly as possible. "For ignoring me the past two days, I deserve to be free at least."

"Hah?" The other snorted, "you ignored me, trash."

"Since when? Every time I went looking for you, you weren't there."

"Liar, that's the same for me." The two glared at one another.

"Well we're both here now." Squalo amended. Xanxus hummed in thought, until a feral grin crossed his lips. "What?"

"Shut up, trash," The Varia boss smashed their lips together roughly. Squalo parted his lips in surprise, eyes squeezing shut as the other's tongue pushed its way into his mouth. The slick organ ran over every ridge and dip of the hot cavern and battled with his own tongue. The shark went to grab the other, only to find his hands still bound. His boss pulled away, smirking.

"Care to release me?" Squalo tried, squirming uncomfortably with his erection in his tight pants.

"No," Xanxus said and proceeded to pull down the captive's pants while running a rough hand over the lean chest. He took a fistful of the erection, stroking it rhythmic pace. Squalo moaned, turning his hands into fists as Xanxus teased and played with his nipples. Xanxus eventually removed his hand from Squalo's hard on, eliciting a moan of disappointment, and freed his own erection. He pulled Squalo's head close to it, and ordered, "suck."

With himself captive, Squalo couldn't do anything but comply.

Tsuna rested his head on Gokudera's bare chest, the two bathing in the aftermath of their session.

"So," the bomber began with a lazy smile, "how long do you think it will take for the two to realize the other Varia members were fucking with them."

"Never, I assume," Tsuna replied, amused, "Ever since Xanxus said he was being ignored, I knew he wouldn't figure it out."

"Once Squalo said Xanxus was ignoring him, I pieced it together." Hayato said. "But how did you know?"

"When he came into the office the second time today. There was no reason for him to come back unless he couldn't find Squalo; which was weird because you told me Squalo was here."

"Idiots," Hayato snorted.

"A pair of idiots in love." Tsuna amended. Hayato agreed silently, but then said,

"you know we're gonna have to get a maid in the conference room to burn the table and get a new one, right?" Tsuna smiled, shaking his head lightly, and then said whilst holding back a chuckle.

"I already ordered it on the way here when I ordered the door."

Fin.

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