Author's Log, Stardate [-28] 09630.00: At least, according to Google calender. Anyway, from this corner of the galaxy - characterized by a lot of homework for my psychology study - it is hard to send messages back to Earth. When it seemed that the communications station was finally tweaked to carry the message over such a distance, the signal was blocked temporarily by my doubts regarding the morality of slash fanfiction. Now, however the message has been transmitted and all of you should be able to receive it soon.

Kirk hastily started digging away the smaller rocks from the pile. They had to get out of here. He refused to be trapped like this.

"Captain, cease," Spock commented.

"No! Sulu might still be out there. We need to get out of here!" Kirk spat back as he continued to dig.

"You are risking a further collapse of this cave."

Kirk stopped – letting the rock he had last picked up roll out of his hands – and slowly turned his head to look at Spock. Then, he got to his feet and stumbled back. If the cave collapsed any further, it was likely they would both die, or get trapped in an immensely painful way. That was not going to help anything.

"How's your communicator? Can we be beamed up?" he questioned.

"Negative."

Kirk felt his pockets, then made a face. No communicator.

"I must have lost mine when I was blown off my feet," he replied.

He waited in the dark for Spock to say something, but Spock didn't. To make himself useful and to not just give up, Kirk moved to the back wall of the cave. He slid his hands over the surface to check if there were any alternative exits, any tunnels, any openings they had missed. The surface wasn't smooth, so it hurt his hands. He didn't care. Until one particularly sharp rock cut his hand right open. With a sudden intake of breath he drew his arm back abruptly. Instinctively he looked at his hand to inspect the wound, but it was too dark.

"Captain, I have already checked for alternative routes out. We are trapped."

"Could have told me that before I hurt my hand, Spock."

Kirk heard footsteps in the dark. Spock was moving towards him. A pale light appeared as Spock's dermal regenerator was switched on. Spock gave it to him and then moved back in the dark. Kirk healed his wounds in silence for a while. Besides his hand there was also a cut on his shoulder from where the screeching wind had blown a small rock against him. He had barely noticed it when it happened, as he was running for his life towards the cave they were now in. Inspecting it now, it apparently had cut his shirt and flesh. It had been a hell of a storm, especially because it had manifested so suddenly. The ship's instruments had not even picked up on it before they had beamed down and they had been planetside for twenty minutes at most.

Not wanting to lose the light Kirk made extra sure his wounds were properly healed. Finally he did switch the regenerator off. Better not to waste too much of its energy; they might need it again later on.

"Captain, I believe I have something to tell you."

Kirk raised an eyebrow in the dark. Spock was able to see better in the dark than he was, but whether Spock's sight was good enough for him to see it, Kirk was unsure. It didn't actually matter that much really.

"What," Kirk's heart skipped a beat as his combined excitement and nerves got the better of him, "is it?"

All day long Spock had seemed to do his best not to spend a word more on him then strictly necessary, and then now, maybe, Kirk hoped, it would turn out to all have been in his head?

"I am going to resign my duties."

Kirk's heart sank. He felt stupid for not at least preparing to hear something bad. However, even if he had, this would still have felt like a bucket of cold water being thrown over him.

"What? Because we have one stupid accident? The crew will find us, they will free us. No problem."

"I have already requested and filled out my resignation forms."

"…Why?" Kirk asked desperately. No response came. Just silence. And darkness. He started to

become aware of how chilly it really was in the cave. In an effort to get some extra warmth he tried to drag his torn shirt back over his shoulder. It did little good. "…it is because what happened between us, isn't it?" he finally concluded himself in a very small voice.

"If anything it was merely a final catalyst for me to realize my upbringing has rendered me incapable of sufficiently interacting with Humans for lengthier periods of time."

"You said you would always be my friend!" Kirk's raised voice echoed off the walls of the small cave. "I need you," he added, not only to make his previous statement seem less accusatory, but also because it was the truth.

Kirk had told himself that he would keep his head up, but goddamnit that promise did not include the possibility of Spock walking out on him, completely. And now he was rapidly losing it. This just could not happen. Even though in the beginning Spock had not been very friendly and even though Spock's manner was still almost as if he was a robot. Spock was meant stability. With all his logic and sense of duty he was factor of certainty. He was always there and he was always 'his good old self'. Kirk needed that, or his entire world of fleeting fastness and rapidly changing surroundings and excitement and risks and everything, would implode.

Kirk took three determined steps forward till he felt Spock's closeness due to his body heat. He figured he was probably going to regret this, and not only because he couldn't see what he was doing. But fuck that. It felt right. And that was what Bones said he had to do. It was the only thing he could think of to do. He was going all or nothing.

His hands moved in the dark till they felt Spock's face. The skin was pleasant under his cold touch. He maneuvered forward till he felt the tips of their noses touch as a point of orientation. Then with his head slightly angled to the left he closed the last bit of distance. Kirk felt the soft skin of Spock's lips brush against his own. They did not reply, but they did receive. Spock made no efforts to move away until Kirk broke the kiss himself. It had felt as if the kiss had lasted an eternity, and yet entirely too short.

"I need you," Kirk whispered again.

[&L&]

Spock sat in his quarters and tried to establish video contact with his older self. He had not come to this decision lightly and he was unsure whether or not his older counterpart would even want to advise him. Nevertheless he felt he somehow owed it to himself to make this call, before he would go through with making the next step for either possible decision.

"Mr. Spock," the other greeted him when he appeared on screen.

"Mr. Spock," he returned the greeting.

Spock averted his eyes for a moment. He was reluctant to ask the question. It was a fascinating concept how one should properly treat someone who is you, yet isn't. Could one invade the privacy of someone who is yourself in another physical form? And was it correct to take the life of your older self as a guide for your own, even though the circumstances you were now living in were different?

Spock looked back at the screen. These questions had been properly regarded and answered before he attempted to establish a video-conversation with his older counterpart. Going over them again now was illogical.

"I have contacted you because I have some inquiries to make about Captain Kirk."

"Aaah, Captain Kirk," his older self returned with a reminiscent sigh. A smile lingered on his face afterwards. Spock still found it surprising how his older self expressed his emotions so freely.

"When we first met, you told me that the captain and I needed each other, that our friendship would define us both in ways we couldn't imagine. I think I have begun to understand the meaning of your words, but I am currently conflicted about..." Spock wasn't sure how to finish his sentence.

"Do not fear to speak freely with me."

"In the life you lived, exactly how deep did your relations with your Captain Kirk run?" It was the most direct way Spock found it proper to ask what he wished to know.

The elder Spock's eyes seemed to become almost dreamy. Another sigh escaped him before he spoke again.

"Young one, I have told you before that I do not wish to interfere with your path, as I do not wish to change your destiny."

"It is my destiny I am worried about," Spock retorted. "My path is no longer clear. I feel that I am standing on a crossroad and that every time I start walking one way, the signs tell me I should walk the other."

"And you feel that your captain is the cause of your confusion?"

Spock took a moment to consider that question appropriately. Finally he said, "I believe one might indeed say that."

He sincerely hoped that if his older self didn't want to give him clear instructions about which path to pursue from here on, he would at least drop a hint of what was to come as he had done when Spock had consulted him about Khan.

"Captain Kirk is a very dynamic and often illogical Human. He is also capable of being a most loyal friend," old Spock spoke. He wanted to say something more but was distracted by the emotion he saw in his younger self's eyes, but only in his eyes. It was not a lie that he was having a hard time not telling Spock the truth. When he first met this universe's version of Jim on Delta Vega, he had found it vital to steer him to a friendship with his younger self. However, he had also decided that everything else was to develop on its own. For himself and his own Jim the journey had been long and certainly challenging. He had had an inner turmoil about it himself and after their five-year-mission he had gone back to Vulcan to achieve kolinahr. The ritual was almost complete, when he felt two minds touch upon his consciousness and disrupt his unemotional peace. First, there had been that of the super machine V'ger . For that he would have been forgiven, as the elders had felt it too. But then there had also been Jim's. From lightyears away, he had felt Jim's mind reach out to his, and that was what had finally stopped the completion of the ritual. The elders told him that his destiny was elsewhere. It hadn't been easy, but in the end the result had been intense love and happiness. He had felt fulfilled, and he believed that was partially because of the journey it had taken to get there. So it seemed only right that his younger self should have his own journey as well. However, now that he saw those conflicted eyes, he wasn't so sure anymore.

In this universe, his younger self had witnessed his planet's destruction. In this universe, his younger self had to fight much tougher battles much earlier in his life. This universe was faster, rougher, more demanding, than the one he had left behind. Was it possible that this particular aspect of his life's journey was now supposed to happen in fast forward as well? That in order to be able to deal with the way things went in this universe, the younger counterparts of himself and his beloved needed to come together now rather than at a later point in their lives?

"It is apparent you have never achieved kolinahr," the younger Spock stated. "If I may be so free to ask you, was that because you never chose to, or because you failed to complete the trial?" He would try this as a final question to extract information from his older self that might be of use for his decision. If it still would not harvest any results, he would resign himself in the thought that his counterpart was stern in his belief that it was not his place to give directions, even if asked.

"Are you considering to undergo the ritual?" the older Spock asked quite directly, suddenly completely serious and without displaying of any signs of dreaminess.

"Indeed."

The older Spock took a deep breath. The thought of this timeline's incarnation of his person undergoing kolinahr, and quite possibly being successful in it (after all he had seemed already much more stoic for his age, as well as that the bond with his Kirk was probably not as advanced yet as his own had been at the time he had attempted the discipline); the thought of what was to become this timeline's Jim - whom he had learned had not had much of the, for Humans, essential parental love when he was growing up - without his Spock… was quite enough to draw the elder Spock over the line. As he had learned from his Jim, when it was for the sake of the greater good, sometimes rules should be broken. Even the Prime Directive of non-interference.

"I fear there is harm in taking that path, and therefore, and only therefore, I will reveal to you knowledge that I believe will influence your decision." The elder paused there for the other to protest if he wished to do so. When no protests were uttered, he continued, "At a point in my life I experienced a consistent pain, a feeling of being incomplete, much like I imagine you are experiencing now. I indeed sought to achieve kolinahr then, as I believed it to be the solution. However, the ritual was not completed. Just before it was done, the elders told me my destiny lay elsewhere."

"I do not understand. You were capable, but the elders refused you completion?"

"I would not agree to that being the best way to phrase what occurred. It is true they did not grant me completion of the ritual, but I would say part of the consideration was to look out for 'my best interest'. However, I also proved myself unworthy of completion. Just before the moment it was done, my mind was touched by another consciousness which stimulated a rather emotional response in me. It showed that I could not at the time sever my emotional ties to at least one person."

"And you predict that if I were to try to achieve kolinahr, I would undergo a similar experience?"

"No, I do not," the older one admitted.

"Forgive me, I do not see how this is to influence my decision then?"

"Because the individual in question was Jim Kirk."

The younger Spock appeared puzzled. What his counterpart was describing was only possible when there was a bond between individuals with the strength equivalent of a lifebond at the least. Yet, why if that was the case would he have been pained enough to seek out kolinahr, as he described?

"You were bonded to him?" he opted to ask.

"I was, but it is not as you think. Had I known of it, I would have never left his side after our five-year-mission was completed. The fact was I was simply unaware such a bond between us existed."

"I did not know such a thing was possible."

"I must have cast it outside of my consciousness."

"But how did it form in the first place? Surely you should have become aware of the bonding nature of," Spock paused to look for an appropriate word, "events that occurred between you and your Captain?"

"My dear young one, the bond was formed without any conscious effort on my part. It must have developed gradually because of the time we spent together."

"That hardly sounds logical."

"Perhaps then, as Humans would say, it was just meant to be."

Spock processed the information that had been given to him. In all honesty it sounded rather fantastical, like one of the Earth tales his mother had insisted on reading him when he was still a child.

"And once you were denied kolinahr, what did you do?" Spock asked.

"I returned to the Enterprise," his elder self replied, "where Jim had once again resumed command. And by mutual understanding we continued our relationship on a more advanced level."

"Would you say it was a successful relationship?"

"It was the best time of my life," the older one replied. He noticed how his younger self almost flinched at the expression. "Any lesser statement would not do justice to what it was. There are many aspects of being in a relationship with the man named Jim Kirk that will initially be confusing or even frightening, but it is worth it. Together we were better than the sum of our halves."

"Do you believe it would be possible to recreate that in this universe?" asked the younger Spock after a rather long silence.

"That is entirely up to you. I have seen your Jim's mind, it won't be without challenges, but it is similar enough for me to believe that you are still highly compatible."

Spock nodded. It was an encouraging thought that there had been a version of reality where there had been love between himself and a James Tiberius Kirk. It meant that it was not entirely impossible. A question that still burned in him to be asked was 'how?'

"You seem somewhat uncomfortable," his older self called him back from his thoughts.

"Forgive me if this is too intrusive, but how would you say you initiated your relationship with your Captain as your lifemate?"

"As I said, it developed gradually. We protected and supported each other for years, we revealed our most vulnerable sides to each other." The older Vulcan paused a moment. "And there had been mindmelds, too. The connection between me and my Jim must have been strong enough that even though it was never my intention, during those few mindmelds we must have linked and bonded."

Spock averted his eyes.

"You appeared to be ashamed of something," the older Spock commented.

"It is a delicate matter," the other Spock replied.

"Perhaps I should remind you that it is unlikely to be something I have not experienced myself."

"I am uncertain about that. The way you developed your relationship with your Captain Kirk sounds, unlikely, but somehow… noble. I do not believe that is accurate to say of my situation."

"I have told you that you should not hesitate to speak freely with me."," his older self reminded him.

Spock hesitated. What he had done was something to be frowned upon by the standards of his people. This older version of him appeared to have embraced his Human side, but that did not completely exclude the possibility of receiving the same judgment from him.

"I overstepped the bounds of friendship. I shared the greatest intimacies, in both Vulcan and Human sense of the word, with my Jim. Amidst of the act I sensed such great love from him that I believed the acts meant to him what in accordance with our heritage they should. However, afterwards I was told by him he did not intend to pursue any further intimate relations with me. After much thought, I resolved to go to New Vulcan, but when I confronted him about that he kissed me, the Human way, and told me that he needed me."

The older Spock laughed. He laughed! The younger Spock could not remember the last time he had heard himself, or any other Vulcan, laugh.

"Perhaps you should have a talk with Dr. McCoy*," the older Vulcan said after he was done with his odd display.

"With Dr. McCoy?"

"Yes, he could help you understand that considering the background of your Jim his behavior is rather logical."

Spock raised an eyebrow at his older counterpart.

"Aside from that, I can tell you this: to James Kirk physical love is something very important. I do not think it unreasonable of you to start your relationship that way. I believe you were indeed implying it was a beginning?"

A nod from Spock served as a confirmation.

"I believe it would be wise for you to continue to offer him physical love and to continue to offer yourself as a partner. Allow him to find safety and comfort in you. I think however that it would also be in your best interest to give him room, and let him set the pace."

"Spock's reply was firm. "The idea seems to imply an absence of control on my behalf, I am not certain that I am comfortable with that idea."

"You are still young," Spock's counterpart mused. A final smile played over his face before he said, "I would advise you to meditate now."

Author's log supplemental: Regarding the * in the text. In Star Trek TOS 'Court Martial' it was said that McCoy was an expert on psychology. In this story Spock Prime tells Spock to go talk to McCoy about Kirk's behavior, because I think that with said knowledge of psychology McCoy should be able to explain to Spock the effect early relationships with parents/primary caregivers can have on a Human and the way relationships are formed and handled in their adult life. I say can because there is a not enough evidence on the matter to be a hundred percent certain, but still plenty enough to somewhat included in a fanfiction in the sci-fy genre. :P Now, because it is suggested that aos-Kirk had a less than ideal relationship with his parents/caregivers (father dead, mother off in space often, step-father not too great), I believe it is reasonable to assume that he may have developed some attachment issues (I support this theory with his 'playboy' behavior in the movies). These regard both the forming of deep emotional attachments needed to sustain a lasting love-relationship (which reflects in the story by Kirk's continuing cycle of drawing in/backing off) and an incredible fear of losing the person in question, or being 'abandoned', once such an attachment has been formed (there was some of that in the cave scene, and I think there'll be more in the coming chapters).
Also Kirk and Spock got trapped in the cave after a sudden violent storm had come on. They had beamed down to a certain uninhabited planet's surface to gather plant-samples in a team of three - Kirk, Spock and Sulu. Sulu had wandered off a bit earlier and just when Kirk had gone to look for him the winds picked up from slightly worrisome to holy-shit-run-for-your-life. You have to imagine a true big storm here, possibly with a small tornado. The winds were strong enough to pick up rocks and even a tree. Kirk and Spock ran for safety and sought shelter in the cave. Unfortunately the tree that was picked up by the wind was smashed against the outer-wall of the rockpiece the cave was located in, causing the entrance to collapse, trapping Kirk and Spock there. The scene was a play on a the classic fanfiction plot where Kirk and Spock get trapped, or seek shelter, in a cave and then for some reason end up doing the horizontal tango. Sometime after Kirk kissed Spock, Spock's communicator started working again and they got rescued. Nothing much of interest happened in the time between the kiss and their rescue. I had a scene written out for the first bit of this - the gathering of plant-samples and running for their lives stuff, but I couldn't get the pace right so I left it out.