It was another dreary autumn day. I have tried to will my body to get up for the last hour and a half and now I am going to be late for work. When I finally got my lazy ass out of my bed and head to my bathroom. I sigh as I look at myself in the mirror; I haven't been to the gym in days and I haven't exactly been sleeping well. The most used rooms in my home were my kitchen and bedroom, I would reheat my fast food take out/ delivery from the previous night, curl up in my bed, and mindlessly watch movies. Don't even get me started with the permanent dark bags under my eyes and how puffy my entire body looked; I look like a complete mess.

I chance a look at my reflection and cringe at what I was seeing. I had let myself go and I'm staring down that same road. The repercussions of my laziness …err inactiveness of the past few weeks would creep back to haunt me. Don't get me wrong; I'm not rocking a pouch just yet. But I had lost some definition in my mid-section and arms, how could I have let myself go again? I promised myself!

I turn around and see the light cellulite on my ass and I cringe, it usually wasn't this bad. I could feel my dinner from last night rumbling in my stomach and rushing up my throat. I flung my arm around the seat and my face in the bowl not caring about the germs my face was near to, I vomited what felt like buckets and buckets of solids and fluids. My throat burned as I slumped on my ass trying to catch my breath. The first thing that came to mind was that I should have purged all of this last night because the stomach has had time to digest most of it overnight. The disappointment I felt was crushing me.

What I expected was some sense of rebirth like I had in the past, but all I felt was guilt and failure. I failed myself, again. With that overwhelming feeling flowing through me I jumped into the shower and threw on a knit dress and heels. On my way to work, I had called the office to inform them that I'm running late today, Paula gave me the okay, and postponed my earlier meetings.

She informs me that my trip to Los Angeles has been pushed forward and I had to leave tomorrow morning, I was both excited and anxious for the change. And that feeling of purging took hold of me, but I pushed it down with two bottles of water and nausea pills. I can't afford another sickness in my life to take over, not when I'm still so unhealthy, I don't need another crutch to hide behind.

While immersing myself in my work, I receive a text from Kate asking to go out to which I reluctantly agreed to. I hadn't spoken to her since the day she brought Christian to my house, which I'm still kind of pissed off about.

The hours pass by too quickly and I had found myself on my way to dinner. You couldn't miss Kate's bouncy curls from the middle of the restaurant.

"Long time no see, Rose," she squeals as she jumps on me.

"I know, I've just been swamped with work and I'll be leaving tomorrow morning to meet with Remy for his new movie."

Kate pouts, "How long will you be there for? It's my birthday next Tuesday."

"I'll be back by Monday at the latest, I wouldn't miss it."

"I know, you never have."

"What are your plans?"

"Well we're going to Francois for dinner and then Room Eighteen for drinks."

"Sounds good," I agree.

"Are you ladies ready to order?" our waitress asks.

Kate orders a salad with grilled chicken while I had ordered their Chicken Primavera.

"Wow… Rose, I didn't know you ate carbs!"

I shrug, "I just wanted something filling." I shouldn't have been so obvious; I was never one to order anything with dairy or wheat. That leaves me with a choice of brown rice, proteins, and lots of vegetables… well, the brown rice was always a once-a-week treat.

Fuck, I'm letting myself go. My heart and stomach constrict, and I could feel the guilt fill my head, when our food came to the table, I knew immediately that I shouldn't eat what was on my plate.

But I did.

I ate it all.

Kate looks at me in awe as I mentally started counting the calories. 100 grams of heavy whipping cream is about 345 calories alone, plus the parmesan cheese, chicken, and the carby pasta. That's at least 2000+ calories in one plate. I instantly felt sick to my stomach, I excused myself and immediately spewed the contents of my stomach into the luxurious bathrooms of the restaurant.

"Rose?" Kate calls out from somewhere in the bathroom. I still my movements. "Rose?"

"Yeah-" I call out apprehensively.

"Are you okay?" She asks, "You didn't look too good and you've been gone for at least ten minutes."

"Must have been something from this morning," I croak out. I wipe my mouth on some toilet paper and flush my guilt down the drain, "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" she asks again.

I finally stand up and walk out of the stall, "I'm sure."

"You look green, sweetie. Let's take you home."

I nod and wipe my mouth, but I couldn't help the suspicious look Kate was throwing my way. Once we collected our things and settled the bill we drove back to my home. She takes a look at my pigsty of a house, I grab us a drink from my bar and I quickly chug it down. I need to get that disgusting taste of vomit out of my system.

"Sweetie are you okay?" she looks at me and holds my shoulders tightly.

I nod and begin packing, she stays outside, but I knew she's looking around my untidy home.

"What the hell!?" I hear her exclaim from somewhere in the house.

"What?"

"Your house has delivery boxes scattered everywhere, your garbage cans are full of coke, ice cream, and candy wrappers. Now I wouldn't judge if it were any other person, but the Rose I know drinks her greens. You have no simple sugars, you never have coke, or even any juices unless they were homemade. You snack on roasted seaweed and kale chips, the Rose I know doesn't eat Swedish Berries or Butterfingers!"

"Just going through a rough patch," I grit out.

"No, this is a downward spiral. Elliot told me about your past-"

"What!?" I couldn't help but yell. "He had no right."

"No, he didn't, but he told me that this had something to do with Christian. He thought me springing him on you was the worst thing I could do to you; he wouldn't speak to me for days after that. Then when I finally got him to break his silence, he told me your story. This was why I was trying to get a hold of you all this time, I wanted to apologize."

"You didn't know," I shrug. "It was good for us, I needed to get it off my chest."

"I still shouldn't have pushed him on you. I just thought it would have been nice if we both dated brothers… we'd be like sisters."

"Oh, Kate!" I laugh, hugging her tightly. "I doubt we'd be that lucky."

"Christian is a douchebag when I found out I wanted to run him over with my car." We were silent for a few minutes until Kate finally spoke, "Sweetie, can you tell me what happened to you? I mean you don't have to, but I'd like to know-"

"Of course," I smile softly. I recount my tale from beginning to end, I even told her about vomiting today. I confessed to everything even telling her about the insecurity I was feeling due to Christian's disappearance. I was able to courier the photograph he requested, but after one measly "thank you" text he ghosted me.

After what we had shared that night, I couldn't help but feel abandoned. Not one call or text, I didn't even know where he was. In all honesty, I don't know how to feel, I had asked for him to leave me alone but I find myself thinking about him. I truly thought things were changing for the better in some twisted sort of way, I thought by asking for a copy of my photograph that he meant that he was trying to atone for his past sins. This feeling from his disappearance is so foreign and I'm not so sure what's happening or why I'm feeling the way that I am. I'm a sick fuck.

Maybe I'm still that same lost girl. There, I said it, I'm lost and I'm losing control of everything. I'm successful in the workplace, but I'm failing horribly at everything else.

Kate nudges me from my musings. "I want you to stop throwing up," she states matter-of-factly. "I used to be where you are a few years ago, okay, well not exactly," she laughs almost to herself. "I wanted to stay skinny in high school and I thought throwing up was the best route to it. God, my problems were so trivial, I won't tarnish what you went through…" she pauses. "I know what you went through was ten times worse, but I want you to know that you are an intelligent, beautiful, and caring woman. You have a tough exterior due to careless people, but I want you to know that you're not alone. You've handled this on your own for so long, but you aren't alone anymore. You have me, sis."

I look at her in bewilderment, and for the first time, I look at what was in front of me. I have a person who wanted to be my friend. "Thank you," I answer. "I'm so grateful that you're in my life."

For the first time, I was being honest with myself and letting myself feel something other than sadness and turmoil.

"Aww sweetie, you'll always be my sister. So, come on let's get you packed and in bed."

"Okay," I said cheerfully.

I stowed away my doubts and got ready for my work trip. I let myself relax even just for a bit and enjoy my time with a friend. Whatever issues I have in my life can be left alone until I come back, because God knows they will still be there. I should also call my therapist; I've been putting her off for far too long. I owe it to myself to truly get my life on track because this life is no longer sustainable.