What You Say vs. What You Mean

Chapter 9

Sorry it took so ling to update, this chapter was being a bit of a BRAT in my head, that and I think my job is trying to kill me! And after that last chapter I needed a bit of a break anyway.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Martin Luther King, Jr.

Eventually the tears stopped and it became quiet and calm, too quiet and calm, like the eye of a hurricane. Morgan knew that it was only a matter of time before the storm broke once more, but he couldn't bare the thought of ending this moment. There was no telling when he would be able to hold Reid like this again. Besides, he had promised not to let go until Reid told him to.

And then out of nowhere Reid let go. With no warning he pushed himself away from Morgan and crawled backward, a look of shock and terror spread across his face.

Morgan raised his hands showing that he meant no harm. "Hey, hey. It's okay. Calm down. You're okay." Where do I get off saying that?

"W-What…what happened?"

"You had a panic attack when you got out of the shower."

"I what?" Reid's eyes darted frantically around the room…and then down. It was only then that he realized that in all of his moving around he had thrown off the towel that had been around his waist and was completely exposed. He gasped in horror and grabbed the towel to cover himself and crossed one arm over his chest in attempt to hide the gash, which was thankfully no longer bleeding.

Morgan sighed. He wished he could continue to comfort the other frightened man, but his primary concern at that moment was Reid's physical well being. "Love, we need to replace the bandage on your chest. Otherwise the stitches could come loose and it could get re-infected."

Reid shook his head, his eyes still blown wide. "I can't. I can't touch it, I can't even look at it without felling sick!"

"Well then…" Morgan hesitated, "let me? Move your arm, Spencer. Please?"

Reid waited a long moment and slowly lowered his arm. His face changed from terror to shame. He closed his eyes, not willing to look at Morgan. "It's disgusting."

Morgan was glad Reid's eyes were closed so he could not see the way the way his features twisted. If I ever get my hands on this Ethan bastard, I'll kill him, Morgan thought. "Let's just get it doctored up, okay?"

Finally Reid surrendered to the idea. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Morgan stood and retrieved the first aid kit from the cabinet. "Can I put my pants back on and meet you in the bedroom to do this?"

"Of course."

Morgan left with the box of medical supplies leaving Reid alone in the bathroom.

Reid was overwhelmed with relief when Morgan left the room. Finally he got to decide how things were going to happen. He took a few moments to gather himself before gathering up his cloths. While he was still sitting on the floor he put his legs thru his boxer-briefs and sweat pants and then stood carefully, pulling the clothing up the rest of the way. He glanced at the mirror and was thankful it was still too foggy for him to see more than a blur of himself.

He FELT like a blur of himself.

In the bedroom, Morgan waited (somewhat) patiently for Reid to emerge from the bathroom so that he could begin the necessary evil of bandaging him up. He knew Reid was physically and emotionally injured and exhausted, but he was still worried. He was about call out and ask if he was alright when Reid entered the room, moving nervously and cautiously toward the edge of the bed where Morgan sat.

Reid sat down a foot or so away from Derek on the edge of the bed. "I know I'm hideous and disgusting right now. You don't have to touch me. You don't have to do this. You don't even have to be here at all if you can't stand it."

Morgan's heart shattered because he remembered feeling the same way many, many years ago and hated so much that the man he loved was in that much pain. "What happened to you is hideous and disgusting, Spencer. YOU are not. I would never think that about you so don't you either. There is nowhere I could possibly be but here with you."

Reid did not argue, he simply stared blankly and let Morgan care for his wound. He wasn't particularly fond of the prospect of Morgan touching his chest, but it was a lesser evil than ending up back in the hospital. He chose the most mundane item in the room, a blue ballpoint pen resting atop the dresser, to focus on and forced his mind blank. He should have been surprised that he did not flinch when the tips Morgan's index and ring fingers, cold and slick with antibiotic cream, touched the top of the gash. But Reid wasn't surprised. He just sat there trying to recall every word he had ever written with that pen.

Morgan gently worked his way down the wound applying the ointment that Dr. Fielding had sent home with them. He forced himself not to stop when Reid hissed in pain when his fingers reached the first stitch. The fact that he was keeping Reid from experiencing further physical harm was the only comfort from knowing that he was causing Reid any discomfort whatsoever. Once the wound was covered with the antibiotic, Morgan pressed the gauze bandage to Reid's chest and secured it with medical tape, careful not to pull to tightly or push to hard. He couldn't bare to hurt Reid any more than was absolutely necessary.

Once the wound was covered, Morgan looked at the clock and realized it had been almost nine hours sense Reid's last dose of Bactrim. "Sit tight, Love. I'll be right back." Morgan hurried to the bathroom. He rinsed out the empty cup before filling it with water and taking it back to the bedroom to Reid. He retrieved the bottle of pills from his pocket and handed the water and one small pill to Reid. "It's been over eight hours."

Reid nodded and accepted the pill, popping it into his mouth and washing it down with the entire glass of water.

Morgan sat back down on the edge of the bed next to Reid. The distant gaze Reid had worn while he was bandaging him was now Morgan's, and Reid apparently noticed. When he was finished with the water, Reid set the empty cup on the bedside table and looked thoughtfully at Morgan. "What are you thinking right now?"

Morgan took a few moments to answer. "Billions of words."

Reid cocked his head in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"You said, and I quote, "There are literally billions of words in the English language, and the only one you can conjure from your thick head is 'sorry.' You're absolutely right, Spencer. I've been racking my brain for the past twenty-four hours and I can't think of a single one that's good enough. I'm beginning to think there are no words to express how truly, deeply SORRY I am for the way I treated you when I came home."

Morgan watched what Reid did next as if he were in a dream or some form of trance.

Reid's hand moved as fluidly as if he was moving thru water towards Morgan's. Long, slender fingers linked with larger darker ones and Reid raised Morgan's hand and pressed it against his tear-stained face. Their eyes met for the first time sense their two-minute conversation in the hospital exam room. Reid's eyes held vulnerability but no fear when he spoke. "Those words work."

Morgan's breath hitched. He was stunned. "You…you're forgiving me? Just like that?"

"I think keeping you away while I was in the hospital was punishment enough." Reid realized how that must have sounded and quickly clarified, "I wasn't trying to punish you. I just needed time. I was just so angry! I was angry with you, with the doctors, I was angry with Ethan of course, and maybe a little with myself as well."

Morgan nodded knowingly and lowered his eyes for only a second before meeting Reid's again. "I get that. Believe me, Love, I get that."

"I think I'm still angry. But…" Reid paused to place a gentle kiss against the palm of Morgan's hand that he was still holding against his cheek. "But it's like you said before, 'Part of loving someone is trusting and forgiving them.' And I love you, Derek."

"I love you too. And I meant it when I said that there is nowhere I could possibly be but here with you, not now and not ever. I promise you that no matter how hard the fight gets I'll fight beside you. No matter how horrible of a nightmare we have to live to get thru this, we WILL get thru this together. I will never push you away, I will never blame you, I will never think less of you, and I will never, ever, leave you. I love you, Spencer. With all of my heart."

What happened next astonished Morgan beyond all belief. A look snuck on to Reid's face that didn't belong in a nightmare like this, but it was good and right because it's light chased away the darkness Morgan felt in his heart and gave him hope that together they would indeed survive.

It was small. It was slight. It was a bit sad. But it was there, beautiful and clear across Reid's lips.

It was a smile.

"Love couldn't be moved by circumstance, poor choices, or even blatant lies—skewed and damaged, yes, but the heart couldn't deny what it wanted most once the desire was planted. Whether in bliss or affliction, love owned you all the same."Rachael Wade

Thanks muchly to all my readers, reviewers, and followers, and kudos givers. This would not have been possible without every single one of you! I wish I could thank each of you by name, but there are just so many! I do want to thank a few specifically: 20000 WPM, BrennaK, MidwestDreamer, Morgan_ReidismyOTP, Sandylee007, and silverwrym. You guys rock!

This fic is now at an end, but the story will continue! Don't think that just because Reid forgave Morgan that they are back on solid ground in their relationship. In the words of Sandylee007, "That relatively short bout of mistrust in the absolute worst moment is going to haunt their relationship for a while." And don't think that Ethan is anywhere close to being gone, either! Will the law ketch up to him, or will he be allowed to cause even more suffering? Keep an eye out for What You Know vs. What You Feel, the sequel coming (hopefully) soon. This will defiantly be a series, meaning the sequel will probably have a sequel depending on how long I desire to stretch this out!