A/N: Take note, BEFORE YOU READ. This is NOT what I would consider a slash
fic, there is no romance, just the acts of a very desperate group of
attractive male entities. HOWEVER, there is mention of m/m kissing in this
and if that bothers you don't read it. Also remember this is HUMOR. Thank
you.
Actually, I sort of see this as a myth- how the slash fics started.
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~
It was a beautiful sunny day. Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin were sitting in a sunny field, eating crackers and cheese. The air was filled with the chirping of cicadas, birdsongs, and something more. sinister.
For all around them were the giggling, whispering, and murmured voices of the not-so-elusive fangirl.
Sam passed a piece of cheddar over to Frodo. "Are you all right, Mr. Frodo?" he asked. Earlier that day, some of the more violent breed of fangirls had held him at sword point and were trying to make him take off his shirt before Aragorn and Legolas came over and saved him.
Frodo still looked a bit pale. "Yeah, just fine." He looked around nervously. "I really wish there was something we could do about those fangirls."
"Tell me about it," Legolas said, crunching a cracker. "It's not easy being the totally hot blond elf in the group, you know."
"I see they're getting into your head."
"What?"
"Oh, nothing. It's not easy being the adorable blue eyed star, either."
Boromir, who had been staring at the Ring intently, burst out into giggles. "I KNOW!" he screamed. "We can use the Ring against them!"
"No, Boromir," Aragorn said patiently. "No homicide, death threats, or hospital bills of over a thousand dollars, remember? It was in the contract."
"But we can't let the fangirls keep on bothering Mr. Frodo," Sam said anxiously. Merry and Pippin agreed.
"How can we keep the fangirls away?" Pippin said. "Think, think, think."
"I know," Merry said, "we can toss them off of Rauros. no, that's homicide."
"I know," Pippin said. "We can give them to the Balrog."
"I know," Legolas said, "we can give them to Boromir." Everyone but the mentioned burst out laughing. When things quieted down, Frodo went to take a nap. Merry and Pippin went to go pick daisies. Everyone else just sat there.
Aragorn was obviously daydreaming about Arwen, Legolas thought. He wanted to go off for a walk in the woods, but the fangirls would surely assail him if he went alone and he couldn't even kill off a couple of them without being slapped with a bunch of lawsuits.
How could they get the fangirls to go away once and for all? No homicide, death threats or grievous injury. No homicide, death threats or grievous injury. No homicide, death threats or.
"I"VE GOT IT!" Legolas yelled, just as Merry and Pippin came back holding two big bunches of flowers. The exclamation was so loud; it woke up Frodo and even temporarily startled Aragorn out of his fantasies. "I've got a way to get the fangirls to stop stalking us!"
That got all of their attention. They all sat down in a circle with Legolas and waited expectantly. Legolas beamed down at all of them. "I've been thinking on this," he began, "and"
"You've been thinking about this for three hours?"
"Be quiet, Boromir. Anyway, I know how to make the fangirls go away!"
"Well?" all of them asked.
"See, we can pretend to be gay, and the fangirls will lose interest!"
Silence. Dead silence.
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~
"So what do you think?" Legolas asked after they had been sitting there for twenty minutes.
"I d'know," Aragorn said doubtfully. "It's sort of extreme, don't you think?"
"Extreme circumstances call for extreme solutions," Legolas said solemnly. "Otherwise, they'll find one of us alone someday and before we know it."
"Okay, okay, okay. But I still think there's a better way."
"Well," Legolas said. "There's only one way to find out." He looked at Aragorn. Aragorn looked at Boromir. Boromir looked at Pippin. Pippin looked at Merry. Merry looked at Frodo.
"Why is it always me?" Frodo grumbled. "Fine." He turned to Sam. "Sam, kiss me."
"Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked.
"It's all right. Just an experiment."
"If you say so, Mr. Frodo." Sam leaned over and pecked Frodo on the cheek.
The fangirls that had by then crept up to watch said collectively, "Awwwwwww."
"Well," Frodo said, looking relieved, "That obviously didn't work." He scooted a little away from Sam and leaned back against a tree.
Legolas frowned. "Hmm. I think you must have done something wrong." He looked around at the present members of the Fellowship. Everyone backed away from him except for Aragorn, who was apparently daydreaming again. I wonder what about.
Legolas sighed and, with remarkable speed, pushed Aragorn down on the ground and kissed him spectacularly. After a minute or so, he came back up and spat out disgustedly.
The Aragorn- and Legolas- fangirls shrieked as one entity. A few fainted. Many burst out into tears. The ones that were conscious ran away screaming like hell.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!" Aragorn screamed.
"Tsk, tsk," Boromir said through his laughing. "You really should pay better attention. We were trying out a new plan to get rid of fangirls, remember?"
"Wow," Merry said, "It really worked well." He nodded and looked at Pippin. "Kiss me so we can get rid of our fangirls."
"But I like my girls," Pippin said.
"No, you won't. Trust me," Frodo said.
"Oh, okay then." Pippin kissed Merry on the lips for about a second. It worked. More fangirls ran away screaming and wailing.
"Looks like we'll have to do this too," Frodo said to Sam. He kissed him. All the remaining fangirls departed speedily, and the bodies of the fainted littered the ground.
Legolas surveyed everything happily. "I knew it would work," he said.
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~
A little while later, they were all walking along quite happily. Now that the fangirls were gone, they could finally have some peace and quiet. Plus, they could sleep at night knowing no strange female would try to creep into their bed with them.
Everything was all fine and dandy. Legolas was swinging through the tree while the rest of them walked when all of a sudden he saw an invisible mental entity.
"Who are you?" he asked.
The entity said, "Argh. You're not supposed to be able to see me."
"That doesn't answer my question."
"Oh, very well. My name is F1."
"And my name is F2," another invisible entity said. Other voices chimed in. Legolas looked down. The others had gathered around to watch Legolas, apparently, talk to himself.
"We're called authors," F2 said.
"Yeah," F1 said, "and our specialty is taking the reputations of honest book characters and ruining them."
"That's all very nice," Legolas said patiently, but what does it have to do with me?"
"You are really thick, aren't you?" F1 asked. "Fine. We'll spell it out for you. We, that is, all of us, saw you seven earlier."
"And.?"
"Oh, just show him the manuscript," F2 said impatiently. A few sheets of paper appeared in midair.
Legolas skimmed through the first page and gasped in horror.
"That's right," F1 said gleefully. More copies of the story materialized below for the others to read.
Legolas tried to grab the entities, but they skipped out of reach. "You can't stop us now," they taunted. "Even if you catch us there are still thousands and thousands more!" Laughing evilly, they ran away.
When they were gone for good, Legolas dropped down to the ground. Then he noticed that the other characters were looking at him with murder in their eyes.
Legolas took one look and ran away screaming for help. The others, minus Boromir, ran after him screaming bloody murder.
Boromir giggled hysterically. Idiot elf. And idiots, all the rest of them, for listening to that idiot elf. He was so caught up that he failed to notice that he was surrounded.
After a few minutes he finally looked up. All around him were fangirls. Tens and hundreds of fangirls. They lifted him up and began to carry him away.
"Sisters!" one of them yelled," This is the one that has not betrayed us! We shall take him and hold him forever!"
"AHHHHHHHH!" Boromir screamed. He looked around wildly and saw the others still chasing Legolas in the distance. "SOMEBODY KISS ME!"
And the girls happily obliged.
THE END
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~
It was a beautiful sunny day. Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin were sitting in a sunny field, eating crackers and cheese. The air was filled with the chirping of cicadas, birdsongs, and something more. sinister.
For all around them were the giggling, whispering, and murmured voices of the not-so-elusive fangirl.
Sam passed a piece of cheddar over to Frodo. "Are you all right, Mr. Frodo?" he asked. Earlier that day, some of the more violent breed of fangirls had held him at sword point and were trying to make him take off his shirt before Aragorn and Legolas came over and saved him.
Frodo still looked a bit pale. "Yeah, just fine." He looked around nervously. "I really wish there was something we could do about those fangirls."
"Tell me about it," Legolas said, crunching a cracker. "It's not easy being the totally hot blond elf in the group, you know."
"I see they're getting into your head."
"What?"
"Oh, nothing. It's not easy being the adorable blue eyed star, either."
Boromir, who had been staring at the Ring intently, burst out into giggles. "I KNOW!" he screamed. "We can use the Ring against them!"
"No, Boromir," Aragorn said patiently. "No homicide, death threats, or hospital bills of over a thousand dollars, remember? It was in the contract."
"But we can't let the fangirls keep on bothering Mr. Frodo," Sam said anxiously. Merry and Pippin agreed.
"How can we keep the fangirls away?" Pippin said. "Think, think, think."
"I know," Merry said, "we can toss them off of Rauros. no, that's homicide."
"I know," Pippin said. "We can give them to the Balrog."
"I know," Legolas said, "we can give them to Boromir." Everyone but the mentioned burst out laughing. When things quieted down, Frodo went to take a nap. Merry and Pippin went to go pick daisies. Everyone else just sat there.
Aragorn was obviously daydreaming about Arwen, Legolas thought. He wanted to go off for a walk in the woods, but the fangirls would surely assail him if he went alone and he couldn't even kill off a couple of them without being slapped with a bunch of lawsuits.
How could they get the fangirls to go away once and for all? No homicide, death threats or grievous injury. No homicide, death threats or grievous injury. No homicide, death threats or.
"I"VE GOT IT!" Legolas yelled, just as Merry and Pippin came back holding two big bunches of flowers. The exclamation was so loud; it woke up Frodo and even temporarily startled Aragorn out of his fantasies. "I've got a way to get the fangirls to stop stalking us!"
That got all of their attention. They all sat down in a circle with Legolas and waited expectantly. Legolas beamed down at all of them. "I've been thinking on this," he began, "and"
"You've been thinking about this for three hours?"
"Be quiet, Boromir. Anyway, I know how to make the fangirls go away!"
"Well?" all of them asked.
"See, we can pretend to be gay, and the fangirls will lose interest!"
Silence. Dead silence.
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~
"So what do you think?" Legolas asked after they had been sitting there for twenty minutes.
"I d'know," Aragorn said doubtfully. "It's sort of extreme, don't you think?"
"Extreme circumstances call for extreme solutions," Legolas said solemnly. "Otherwise, they'll find one of us alone someday and before we know it."
"Okay, okay, okay. But I still think there's a better way."
"Well," Legolas said. "There's only one way to find out." He looked at Aragorn. Aragorn looked at Boromir. Boromir looked at Pippin. Pippin looked at Merry. Merry looked at Frodo.
"Why is it always me?" Frodo grumbled. "Fine." He turned to Sam. "Sam, kiss me."
"Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked.
"It's all right. Just an experiment."
"If you say so, Mr. Frodo." Sam leaned over and pecked Frodo on the cheek.
The fangirls that had by then crept up to watch said collectively, "Awwwwwww."
"Well," Frodo said, looking relieved, "That obviously didn't work." He scooted a little away from Sam and leaned back against a tree.
Legolas frowned. "Hmm. I think you must have done something wrong." He looked around at the present members of the Fellowship. Everyone backed away from him except for Aragorn, who was apparently daydreaming again. I wonder what about.
Legolas sighed and, with remarkable speed, pushed Aragorn down on the ground and kissed him spectacularly. After a minute or so, he came back up and spat out disgustedly.
The Aragorn- and Legolas- fangirls shrieked as one entity. A few fainted. Many burst out into tears. The ones that were conscious ran away screaming like hell.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!" Aragorn screamed.
"Tsk, tsk," Boromir said through his laughing. "You really should pay better attention. We were trying out a new plan to get rid of fangirls, remember?"
"Wow," Merry said, "It really worked well." He nodded and looked at Pippin. "Kiss me so we can get rid of our fangirls."
"But I like my girls," Pippin said.
"No, you won't. Trust me," Frodo said.
"Oh, okay then." Pippin kissed Merry on the lips for about a second. It worked. More fangirls ran away screaming and wailing.
"Looks like we'll have to do this too," Frodo said to Sam. He kissed him. All the remaining fangirls departed speedily, and the bodies of the fainted littered the ground.
Legolas surveyed everything happily. "I knew it would work," he said.
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~
A little while later, they were all walking along quite happily. Now that the fangirls were gone, they could finally have some peace and quiet. Plus, they could sleep at night knowing no strange female would try to creep into their bed with them.
Everything was all fine and dandy. Legolas was swinging through the tree while the rest of them walked when all of a sudden he saw an invisible mental entity.
"Who are you?" he asked.
The entity said, "Argh. You're not supposed to be able to see me."
"That doesn't answer my question."
"Oh, very well. My name is F1."
"And my name is F2," another invisible entity said. Other voices chimed in. Legolas looked down. The others had gathered around to watch Legolas, apparently, talk to himself.
"We're called authors," F2 said.
"Yeah," F1 said, "and our specialty is taking the reputations of honest book characters and ruining them."
"That's all very nice," Legolas said patiently, but what does it have to do with me?"
"You are really thick, aren't you?" F1 asked. "Fine. We'll spell it out for you. We, that is, all of us, saw you seven earlier."
"And.?"
"Oh, just show him the manuscript," F2 said impatiently. A few sheets of paper appeared in midair.
Legolas skimmed through the first page and gasped in horror.
"That's right," F1 said gleefully. More copies of the story materialized below for the others to read.
Legolas tried to grab the entities, but they skipped out of reach. "You can't stop us now," they taunted. "Even if you catch us there are still thousands and thousands more!" Laughing evilly, they ran away.
When they were gone for good, Legolas dropped down to the ground. Then he noticed that the other characters were looking at him with murder in their eyes.
Legolas took one look and ran away screaming for help. The others, minus Boromir, ran after him screaming bloody murder.
Boromir giggled hysterically. Idiot elf. And idiots, all the rest of them, for listening to that idiot elf. He was so caught up that he failed to notice that he was surrounded.
After a few minutes he finally looked up. All around him were fangirls. Tens and hundreds of fangirls. They lifted him up and began to carry him away.
"Sisters!" one of them yelled," This is the one that has not betrayed us! We shall take him and hold him forever!"
"AHHHHHHHH!" Boromir screamed. He looked around wildly and saw the others still chasing Legolas in the distance. "SOMEBODY KISS ME!"
And the girls happily obliged.
THE END