She sat without moving on the same rock overlooking the ocean, where she and her best friend had celebrated her birthday five years earlier. She had been happy then. There had been many gifts exchanged that day, though the most important ones had not been material in nature. The expression on her friends face, the warmth of her smile, the humor that sparkled in her eyes, and the love… there had been no denying the love that day. Even without Sappho's poem, it had been apparent, but the words sealed the bond with an unbreakable vow. She silently quoted the lines she knew her friend had voiced to the poetess, who had merely "jotted" them down. They were Xena's words…Xena's feelings….in Sappho's handwriting. She had not fooled Gabrielle even a little, but in order to spare Xena the embarrassment of recognizing that fact outloud, she had made light and given the credit to Sappho, as Xena had intended.

" There is a moment when I look at you…"

Tears formed in Gabrielle's eyes. She knew every word, every line by heart, no longer needing the well worn scroll to prompt her. Each time she spoke the words aloud, she heard them in Xena's voice. Saw again the momentary longing, the fleeting fear of rejection, the surge of happiness when Gabrielle's voice had broken with emotion while reading it for the first time. Xena had made fun, pulling a face and Gabrielle had let her with a laugh, easing her friends tension and letting the moment melt away into a less intense affection. Maintaining the status quo, though they had both known in that moment, that things would never be the same again. There would always remain the easy camaraderie, the wry humor and the fierce loyalty of their earlier friendship, but a depth and seriousness was folded in. A new understanding, and an inevitability towards a growth in their relationship that neither had the words for, but which held an inherent promise of more to come. A Future.

"and no speech is left in me…"

Gabrielle smiled wryly and stroked away the tear tracks from her cheeks with the back of an impatient hand. Her dear warrior had never been much of one for words. Xena had been a woman of action, the "words" had always been Gabrielle's department. But for all of that, Xena had been eloquent in her own way. Granted much of it had been non verbal, transmitted by look or touch, or through an act of violence, but she had always conveyed her message.

"My tongue breaks, then fire races under my skin and I tremble…."

There had been a passion in her friend that drew others like moths to her flame. The heat of her convictions, the blinding light of her desire for redemption. The searing honesty, the raging anger of retribution, the gentle warmth of her compassion. Fierce and beautiful like wildfire, flickering and gentle as a candle flame. Xena had been a mass of contradictions, a maelstrom of opposing forces, and the best thing in Gabrielle's life.

"And grow pale for I am dying of such love, or so it seems to me."

And so she did…die for love, as Gabrielle had always known she would. No one had really understood that about Xena, except Gabrielle. That when Xena the Warrior Princess found her path to redemption, she would walk it unerringly until it killed her. That her innate sense of justice, once discovered, would not be denied even by death. Or at least her own. Though Gabrielle knew she would have stopped short had it been HER life that would be forfeit. Xena would have casually cast aside her strongest conviction, without hesitation, in order to keep Gabrielle safe. A thought which brought fresh tears, and the reopening of a wound that would never really heal. Had Gabrielle been the one expected to pay the price for the 40,000 souls, Xena would have let them rot in the belly of Yodoshi for eternity. But her own life had been of little consequence, and to her mind a minor sacrifice. Not so to Gabrielle. Every moment since that day on the slopes of Mount Fuji, had been a torment. And none more so than this, the five year anniversary of Xena's death.

Gabrielle grasped in her cupped hands, the urn containing Xena's ashes. She had carried them with her for all the intervening years, never once letting them out of her possession. From the banks of the Amazon, to the Nile delta. From India to Italy, Gaul to Greece , Xena's chakram and her ashes had traveled with her. At once a source of comfort, and of pain, in equal measure.

Gabrielle leaned forward to rest her elbows on her knees, and regarded her friends' encapsulated remains.

" I miss you," she whispered for the 1,825th time, her voice breaking as it always did, and dissolving into the sob that inevitably followed. She allowed the scalding tears to run, though they brought her no surcease from the pain. Her chest heaved with the effort to exorcize the horrible, gut wrenching loss, but there would be no relief. There never was. It didn't matter how many despots she dethroned, how many villains she incarcerated, or how many innocents she saved in Xena's name…it was never enough to make up for what she had lost.

She had left Japa and had returned for a time to the Amazon's. They had shared her sadness and allowed her to mourn undisturbed. They had seen to her physical needs, supplying sustenance and shelter, but had not intruded on her misery, nor tried to "cheer her up" as many of her other friends had. She had spent several months among her sisters, but had been seized by a restless anger that soon forced her to move on.

She had found Eve in Alexandria, continuing her teachings. Had dispassionately recounted Xena's passing to her stunned and bereaved daughter, and again, moved on unable to bear Eve's grief as well as her own.

So it had gone with each of their shared friends….Virgil, Meg, Autolycus, Minya and so on. Each had been aggrieved, though perhaps unsurprised by the news. Hardest had been her meeting with Ares and Aphrodite. Both of course had known before she had called on them, and the sincere tears of the tenderhearted Aphrodite had been the most difficult of all for Gabrielle to deal with. Gabrielle could find no comfort for herself, so she had none to offer anyone else. For Ares, there was only a scathing despite. In many ways, Gabrielle blamed Ares for Xena's demise, as it was he who had set her on the path that led to her destruction. He had laughed at her ranting, calling her naïve and a silly little girl…which had earned him a chakram to the chest. It had done him no harm, but had afforded her a certain seething satisfaction none the less.

What followed had been three and a half years worth of aimless sojourn, and crime fighting. Everywhere she went, from town to village from kingdom to republic, she meted out Xena tutored justice. She upheld right, threw down wrongdoers, healed, succored and defended. But there was no end…no ultimate victory..only a constant unrelenting battle against the baser nature of humanity, and it had worn the bard bloody, figuratively and literally.

Early on, she had been reckless and it had nearly cost her her life on more than one occasion. She had thrown herself headlong into battles with astronomical odds, fighting with an abandon born of grief and vengeance. Until she had been visited by her friends' spirit one last time.

She had been on the island of Tinos off the southern tip of Greece. She had traveled there to liberate a group of children that had been abducted from their homes in Athens and ransomed by the kidnappers to pay for mercenaries to war on another , equally vile outlaw. She had rallied the local militia and freed the children, put them on a ship and sent them home. She should have felt good about it, but was instead weary and heartsick. Each day brought fresh monstrosities. New injustices perpetrated on innocents, and it never ended. What good was she ultimately doing, she wondered as she sat before her lonely fire gazing out into the Mediterranean. For every wrong she righted, another sprang up in it's place, and she felt her soul sickening as she slowly became that which she sought to eradicate. The calm blue waters brought her no peace, nor the blazing sky as a golden sun set below the horizon. Inside her was only chaos.

When Xena had been alive, they had not only fought evil where they found it, but had fought for one another as well. Taking strength from each other, feeding each other's convictions, standing shoulder to shoulder and making a difference. Gabrielle still believed she was doing right, but no longer felt as though she was making a difference. Xena had been the inspiration behind their endeavors. People looked at her, the warlord turned savior, and found hope…found a reason to change. If she could be redeemed, why not them? Gabrielle did not have that power.

She was tired…bone tired. And she missed her friend desperately.

Though there had been many that had offered to travel with her, she had denied them all. Had never even been tempted by the prospect of a companion. There could be no one else with whom Gabrielle could share her life, because there could never be another person that would touch her heart in the same way. Xena had been the pinnacle, and once reached, all else fell short. Gabrielle had given all of her heart, there was none left to spare.

Tears spilled from her eyes, tracing a familiar path. Her heart ached, thudding in her chest out of habit rather than desire. She closed her eyes and pictured Xena's face….startling blue eyes dancing with humor, the smile she saved for Gabrielle alone…she whimpered, the sadness overwhelming her as it always did when she indulged herself in this way. But she couldn't help herself. Sometimes, being able to conjure Xena's visage, being able to lavish all her stored love on the memory, was all that kept her mind intact and her will from breaking. And memory was all she had…Xena, in her perverse wisdom, had decided that her continued presence as a spirit in Gabrielle's life, was causing the bard more harm than good and had ceased her visitations despite Gabrielle's impassioned entreaties. In their last meeting, she had ordered Gabrielle to move on, promising never to appear to her again causing her such anguish. Wishing her a happy life, as if that were possible any longer, and vanishing for good. But she was still there, lingering ephemeral in the shadows, no more able to follow her own directive than was Gabrielle.

Fighting villains was easy, keeping the pain of her loss at bay, was the hardest thing Gabrielle had ever had to do.

And why should she fight it anymore? Hadn't she done enough? Shouldn't there be some reward by now for her sacrifice? Couldn't she be justified at this point, in seeking an end to her travail? Wasn't it about time that she were finally able to meet her soul mate in the hereafter with a clean conscience? Hadn't she at last earned her most treasured wish?

Eyes still closed against the deepening night, she fumbled for the dagger at her side. She had longed for this at many times over the last few years, but the thought of Xena's disappointment in her had always stayed her hand. This time Gabrielle could not think of a single reason to deny herself the release. She laid the dagger point against her breast, a calm surety keeping her hand steady.

" I know you can hear me Xena," she whispered into the darkness, a small smile playing on her lips, " I can feel you there, watching me…waiting to see what I will do." She pressed the point against her heart until she could feel the cold steel biting into her flesh. " I can't do this any longer…" she sighed, " I know this isn't what you want…but I'm all out of fight. Life without you isn't life, it's only existence…" She pressed a little harder and felt a trickle of blood, " I'll put this into my heart and all that will bleed out will be dust…accumulated sorrow….regret….and I'll finally be where I was always meant to be, from the moment we first met. With you. Forever."

She smiled then and reached up with her other hand to grasp the hilt and drive the dagger finally into her wounded heart, when another hand closed over her own and stopped her thrust. Enraged, Gabrielle fought against the restraint. She opened her eyes, her expression fierce and unrelenting. She knew what she would see, but was unprepared for the sorrow and remorse etched upon the well loved features of her dead friend.

" Xena…please," she sobbed, " I need you….please let me be with you?"

Tears streamed unchecked down Xena's face as she shook her head, and forced Gabrielle's hand down. Tenderly she enclosed her friends trembling hands in her own, brought them to her lips and kissed them, her expression one of longing. " You can't Gabrielle, don't you understand?" Still holding Gabrielle's hands in her own, Xena knelt before her friend and held her gaze, " even if I allowed you to die, which I can't and won't, you're too good a soul to end up where I am. You would move on along the karmic road to Elysia, or the Amazon afterlife, or the heaven of Eli…but we would still be apart, because I'm between realms, and you can't follow me here." She sat back sadly and released Gabrielle's hands, reaching out she tenderly wiped the tears from her face, " I can only appear to you in this form, because I refuse to leave you while you draw breath. Once you die, this life, this reality will cease and another will begin. We'll both move on."

She smiled gently, and cupped Gabrielle's cheek lovingly, " Do you understand?" she asked softly.

Still angry, Gabrielle had nodded, " So, what you're saying is it's this, or nothing? That after all we've been through, all we've done to atone and make reparation, this is what we have to be content with until we're reborn into other forms? Is that what you're telling me?"

Xena dropped her hand from her friends face and bowed her head. The pain in Gabrielle's eyes was too much to bear, but she nodded, " Yes Gabrielle, that's what I'm telling you," she sighed sadly, feeling as though she had betrayed the love of her life with this final truth. She glanced up into her friends' glowering visage, surprised by the fury she found there.

" Well, that's just Minotaur shit," Gabrielle hissed , and Xena couldn't help the snort of laughter that burst from her. Oh how she loved this little bard from Potidaea. She grinned wryly, " I can't say I don't agree with you on that point."

They had stayed like that until dawns light had made Xena fade back into smoke. They had talked for hours, Xena sitting next to her, Gabrielle's head on her shoulder. The tears had been plentiful, but then so had the laughter, and when the sun rose glorious on another day, Gabrielle had found fresh heart. Xena had promised not to remain absent, and Gabrielle had accepted that, knowing it was a lie. She knew her friend would always be there, but was equally certain that she would not see her again. This meeting had been cathartic, but had reopened the wounds and repeated visits would only make it harder to close them.

That had been two years ago, and the last time Xena had taken form in Gabrielle's presence.

Gabrielle had soldiered on after that, continuing the work she and Xena had begun long ago, but her heart wasn't really in it any more. It was simply rote now, what she did to keep moving forward. It was necessary, she knew that to be true. If not her, then who? But she could never find the end to this long pointless road, and it got more difficult to travel with each passing day.

The sun was going down now, the sky brilliant with color before it faded, and another year was passing. Gabrielle reverently settled the urn back into the bottom of her pack next to her final birthday present, and sighed.

She stood then and faced the Aegean, watching the waves surge against the shore in the gathering dusk. Drawing the inevitable parallel between the eternal waves and her own self appointed task in life. Neither of them accomplishing much besides the infinitesimal wearing away of a constant stretch of lonely beach.

She rolled her shoulders to ease the strain and tension in them, then raised her hands to scrub cheeks stiff with dried tears. She had hoped that a good cry would refresh her soul, and give her relief for at least another night. But the prospect of rolling into her lonely furs, alone once more, brought her scant comfort.

Still there was nothing else for it. She built a small fire , then cooked a meager meal and consumed it with little interest. After she cleaned up, she drew her bag close and pulled out her quill and a clean parchment scroll. The two items had been rolling around in the bottom of her pack for a year, unused. She thought it ironic that putting her thoughts down in print had once been her method for puzzling out the conundrums of her complicated feelings…but for a long time now, force had been her only release, and sleep would come only after exhaustion made it necessary.

The turmoil in her heart begged for expression, but even as she dipped the quill in the ink pot, she knew it was no good. There were no words for what she was feeling. The enormity of her loss, even after all this time, could not be relegated to a few simple characters on parchment. It was useless trying to make sense of it, and with a growl of impatience, she rolled the parchment up again and stuffed it and the quill back into her pack. There would be no peace for her this night. She stood and wandered away from the fire, looking up into the sky , into the glittering multitude of stars that in another time, to another Gabrielle, would have elicited an awed smile of wonder. In this time, with this Gabrielle, they simply mocked her with their permanence.

On a hilltop, many miles beyond the tortured bards ability to see, two forms stood and watched her with a clarity only available to gods such as they. Ares and Aphrodite each gazed on Gabrielle from a distance, each beheld her in their own way. Ares, impassively almost dismissively, " You'd think she'd get over it by now," he said in a bored tone, " If she had only accepted my offer to mentor her, she could have eliminated this maudlin sadness, and replaced it with a savage zeal that would have rivaled even Xena. It's a waste of a good warrior to be so distracted by…feelings," he groused disdainfully, " Xena would have put the loss behind her long since and turned all that fire into vengeance."

Aphrodite's scowl did nothing to mar her ephemeral beauty, " Then you didn't know her half as well as you suppose," she replied heatedly, " Had she lost Gabrielle in the same way, it would have destroyed her completely. Gabrielle's good influence would have been lost forever, and that would have been a tragedy even the Greeks would have been unable to fathom."

Ares gave a disparaging snort in response, " Xena would have wreaked havoc on evil in her little saints' name….she'd have…"

"Died gloriously in battle, alone, and in vain…" Aphrodite finished sadly. " She said it herself once upon a time Ares. The only reason she could reach down inside her and do things she wasn't capable of, was because of Gabrielle. You and I both know that's true, even if you don't want to admit it."

Ares was silent for a moment, " Even if that's true, Xena is gone now, and Gabrielle needs to let her go. She could be a force to reckon with if she'd just get over this ridiculous sorrow and put her mind to it. She could make a real difference… but she's just pathetic."

" You really don't comprehend the nature of the love they had for one another, do you?" her tone of pity angered the god of war, " I comprehend that she's doing a warriors work with only half her heart, and none of Xena's focus. For all the good she's accomplishing, she might as well go back to being a farmer."

Aphrodite shook her head, " She does what she does to honor her love for Xena…to fulfill her mission, even though she's walking a path that was never meant for her to follow. It's the saddest, noblest thing I have witnessed in my millennia of godhood. Only Gabrielle has the ability to be so selfless, and I wish with all my heart that there was something I could do to ease her suffering."

Ares crossed his arms over his chest and laughed humorlessly," There is, and you know it," he replied gazing at his sister," But as you just pointed out, neither of us is that selfless."

Startled, Aphrodite let his words sink in and pondered the implications. She said nothing, but a new resolve was beginning to cement within her. She looked back through the darkness towards her dearest, indeed her only, friend and said softly, " I'm not sure that's true any more."