A/N: Wow, it has been forever, and my most sincere apologies to you all! Things have been really rough on my end lately, which I mainly blame for my muse at this dark hour. Please be aware that this is very darkly themed, with some explicit language. I don't want to trigger anything with my wonderful readers, so if you don't think you want to read this, I completely understand and hope I come up with something soon with happier themes for you all to enjoy.

That being said, if you do read this, I would love a review to know what you think! It's been a little while since I trekked through the world of fan fiction, so let me know if things seem too OOC. I also know I've strayed away from proper paragraph building, but this is more of a work of art to me than just writing. It's a style I think helps portray the moment.

Okay, enough stalling. Thank you for taking time to read this and I love you all!

The first time he thought about it, he was sitting at his work table, a knife in his hand as he cut open a package he had received earlier in the day. He had just returned to Malibu from New York that afternoon, as the renovations began on the tower, and his wounds were still fresh; both physically and mentally. Tony wasn't even entirely sure what triggered it, but a flashback of that gaping hole in the sky, those…monsters…pouring through…flying towards that portal to outer space with a fucking nuke on his back!

His chest tightened. His throat closed up. His vision became blurry. He gasped for air. No air. Can't breathe. Shit! His legs buckled. Darkness closed in around him. Dying. He was dying! His body jerked; tools and parts clattered to the floor. He tried to sit, but the chair rolled away and he fell ass-first onto the hard concrete. Body falling. Crashing to the Earth…

Heaven. He had been in Heaven. Nothing else could describe the vibrant colors, the endless glow of star light. The feeling of peace washing over his body as his eyes drifted closed for the final time…and then he began to fall.

And here he was now, sitting on the floor, crying, in pain and hyperventilating, gripping a knife in his hand like a lifeline. His racing heart ached in his chest as the moment began to fade and reality took over. This was not Heaven. There were no stars to gaze upon, no absolute admiration for something higher and greater than himself. There were just empty walls, cold metal, painful memories even the strongest proof of liquor couldn't erase. Even Pepper had gone back to her apartment downtown. He was alone. This wasn't Heaven. This was Hell, and there would be no relief for the pain anymore. No relief…except for one.

Tony's dark, teary eyes drifted to the knife in his hand to his bare wrist. He had been cut numerous times by thin pieces of metal. Sure, it would hurt, but if done correctly, the pain wouldn't last long at all. Slowly, he brought the tip of the blade to the pale skin. He could see blue veins pressing against the surface, throbbing with every agonizing heart beat. Please, just make the pain go away! He closed his eyes a moment, but opened them again. No, he wasn't going to be a coward. He had to be precise. This wasn't a test. This was it. It needed his full concentration if it was going to be executed correctly. There would only be one shot. He wouldn't be able to attempt it twice...

He pressed harder, deeper, feeling the sharp tip of the blade beginning to break the skin. One quick pull was all it was going to take, as long as he stayed that deep. And on the count of 3...

1...2...

"Tony!" He slipped. The knife grazed his skin; not nearly as deep as he had planned, but it still deep enough to make it burn like a motherfu-

"Tony, what in God's name are you…give me that!" Pepper ripped the knife from his hand, throwing it off to the side. It slid under a car, where it would remain. She clasped her hands around his wrist, blood trickling between her fingers. Tears rolled down her reddened cheeks as she knelt in front of him. He heard sobbing, and through his watery vision, he realized the sounds were coming from him.

"I'm sorry, Pepper! I'm so sorry!"

"Tony, shhh. Please, be quiet. Calm down."

"Please, Pepper! Please! I'm sorry! I just... I-I can't do this anymore! I can't!"

"Damn it, Tony, hold still! Settle down!" He took a couple deep breaths, fighting back the urge to scream.

"Tony, look at me. Hold this here," she said after a few moments, taking his hand and pressing it against his wound. "Do not move. I'll be right back." Pepper stood and hurried to the cabinet where she kept a first aide kit. Tony could hear her cursing as she dug through it, discarded items crashing to the floor. She returned a moment later with wipes, gauze and medical tape.

"I cannot believe you would…God damn it, Tony! Why would you…what…I can't believe this!" Tony hissed and bit back another scream as she wiped the blood away from the cut. "Why? Why?!" Tony reached up, wiping away her tears with his blood stained hand.

"Pepper, I'm sorry. I-"

"Anthony Stark, I never, ever want to see- Don't you ever attempt to do something so stupid like this ever again! Do you understand me?! I can't even…God, Tony! What the hell were you thinking?!" She wrapped gauze continuously around his wrist, a red spot forming quickly. The bandage would probably have to be changed again within the hour.

"Do you think it needs stitches," he asked, his voice trembling as he panted for air.

"I don't know, Tony. I hope not." Pepper sat back, glancing at him before shaking her head and looking away. "I can't believe you would even…try…"

"I'm sorry."

"Why, Tony? Why?! What could possibly bring you to kill-" She curled up into herself at the thought, beginning to shake and cry.

"Pepper, please, don't cry! It's ok. I'm okay." She flinched when he tried to rub her arm in comfort.

"What if I hadn't shown up when I did?! Huh, Tony?! What if I didn't show up until a minute later…or even tomorrow?! Would I find you dead in a puddle of your own blood?! God damn it!" She picked up the medical tape and threw it across the room. Something out of sight fell to the floor and broke.

"Pepper, the knife just slipped when I tried to cut the box. That's all."

"Oh, bullshit! I saw you through the glass! I saw you put that blade to your wrist! I saw that look in your eyes, Tony! I-" She took a few deep breaths, wiping away her tears. "What the hell are you doing down here anyways? You were suppose to be in bed."

"I couldn't sleep," he said quietly, gasping at the throbbing pain through out his body. He was certain he wouldn't be able to sit properly for at least a week, and sadly, that was the least of his troubles at the moment. "So, I came down here."

"To what? To k…God, I can't even say it, Tony. I can't believe you would-"

"Pepper," Tony interjected softly, looking her in the eyes and shaking his head. "I just came down here to…to…" The words weren't coming to him. His mind felt incomprehensible to anything. He felt wired and exhausted at the same time. All he wanted to do now was curl up with Pepper in his arms and pass out. Why had he come down here in the first place? He had laid in bed for at least a couple hours after she had left. Right. To open that package. To start working on his next design.

"To what?" He looked at Pepper and shrugged.

"To tinker."