McCoy wasn't sure what he had done to his ex wife that led to her feeling as though he was scum found under her shoe, and the Christmas season was probably one of the worst times to get it rubbed in his face yet again. It was true that he and Jocelyn had probably what had to have been one of the least amicable break ups that could have been imaginable, all the way down to having lawyers arguing over every single bit of property they shared and every dollar he had to his name, and it always brought a bitter feeling in the back of his throat to remember their final days together.

All of this had her determined to keep their daughter from him, and that was something he couldn't stand. It was true that he'd let their relationship fall to the wayside when work consumed his time, but he thought the world of Johanna, and even if his marriage went down the tubes, he maintained his relationship with his daughter since she meant the world to him. Perhaps Jocelyn didn't take kindly to that, and that was probably why she ended things, not even waiting a month after their divorce was final to pick up a new, unlucky bastard, and she left him without a home or family.

Maybe he wasn't completely sad to leave, but he really did miss his little girl. He ended up in space, the place he hated most because he felt like he had no where else to go, but he soon found that he couldn't have chosen a better crew to be stranded with in the dark life sucking vacuum than the crew on the Enterprise. He made friends with Jim from the moment they rode the transport to Starfleet Academy, though he'd be hard pressed to admit it, but the greater surprise was the grudging friendship he'd formed with the ship's first officer, Commander Spock.

It was true that Spock always exuded this aura of calm that especially irritated him when he thought Spock should be feeling something in certain situations, but the better he got to know the other, the more he realized how much of that was an act. Spock felt extremely strongly, it was easy to see if you just knew how to read him. McCoy liked to think that he had gotten much better at that while on this mission with the half Vulcan, and now most of the ribbing that went back and forth between them was jesting to amuse themselves and Jim. Though he would only grudgingly admit it, he felt as though Spock had come to become just as close to him now as Jim had over their Academy days.

McCoy secretly welcomed that, since the people he truly trusted in his life were very few. To get over his failed marriage and losing everything that he held dear, he put up extremely high and thick walls of gruffness, skepticism, and dryness to prevent anyone from getting through to him, and he was mostly successful in that. He felt that it was better to keep everyone at a comfortable distance rather than risk that kind of pain again, but there were two very important exceptions to this. The Captain and the First Officer of this ship. Both of them had found a way to sneak past the near impenetrable wall he had created and see him for what he truly was. Though this unnerved him at first, he appreciated that now.

Especially now that Jocelyn had yelled in his face that the last thing that would be happening is letting Johanna speak with him on Christmas day since she determined that it was more important for his daughter to get accustomed to her new family, since Jocelyn had finally married the man she ran away with. Actually had the gall to tell him that he was a part of Johanna's past and that he and she had to move on, since he wouldn't be in her life much any more. Though he'd ended up hanging up on his ex in that comm in anger, those words stung him to the core.

Perhaps this new man Jocelyn found gave her the kind of attention she felt she needed, and maybe he wasn't so bad with Johanna, but he was still Johanna's father, damn it. And that bitch of an ex wife was planning on taking the last thing that meant anything to him from his past, on Christmas no less. The next breath he sucked in sounded suspiciously like a sob, and though he was usually able to push those feelings down and lock them away in a part of his brain where he didn't have to think about it, the hopelessness of this situation just got to him as he looked at a picture of Johanna and himself where the two of them were laughing as he spun her around in the air, unable to stop the despair at perhaps never seeing his daughter again from rushing right through him. He closed his eyes, pushing out some of his tears as he sobbed again.

He didn't even notice the buzzing at his door, only looking up in surprise as the door slid open without him opening it, realizing the lock had been overridden when he saw who was behind it. It was true that he had grown closer to Spock as of late, but he definitely didn't want the Vulcan to see him being such an illogical human mess. He was in no mood of any kind of visitors, ironic since feeling as though he was now absolutely alone putting him in this mood in the first place.

"What do you need, Spock?" he said gruffly, trying to quickly wipe his tears off of his face to hide them.

"I wished to discuss the latest trial of my research but I grew concerned when you did not answer and I heard sounds of distress behind the door."

Spock approached McCoy carefully as though he was attempting not to startle him, the doctor just snapped at him, "Don't you have any concept of privacy, or is that only another batty human idiosyncrasy?"

The First Officer continued to move toward him, and he appeared not to be bated by his words, only softly responding, "I only wish to help. It...troubles me to see you in this state."

McCoy could only blink at him in confusion and surprise, since even with the two of them growing to understand each other a little better, this never involved any sort of sharing of emotions or personal troubles. The doctor just breathed in slowly and looked at the floor, speaking grudgingly and slightly bitterly, "It doesn't matter. It's nothing you can help me with."

Spock moved yet closer and he spoke with such a genuine sincerity that McCoy couldn't help but feel his breath sticking in his throat, "Perhaps I may not be able to solve the problem, but I have learned that relating upsetting incidents with someone else helps ease the burden that is felt on oneself. I wish to listen."

McCoy felt another surge of emotion well up in him, and he was barely able to keep it down at Spock's honest desire to help him. He wasn't sure why the usually very calm and logical Vulcan was getting so concerned over someone that always gave him a hard time, whether that was in humor more often than not now, but it touched him, and he couldn't stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth as a result.

"My ex wife...she wants to cut contact between me and Johanna." his eyes drifted over to the photograph again sadly, "That's my daughter."

Spock's eyebrow then slowly went up, and in a protective tone that sent a chill straight down McCoy's spine he quietly said, "She has no right."

McCoy finally just shook his head and met eyes with him again, "Whether she has any legal right to or not, who can stop her? I'm here galaxies away while my baby girl is starting a new life with a new family."

McCoy's eyes teared up again, but he stopped those tears from falling. It didn't matter how much he cried, his daughter was lost to him now. He knew then that he had to do the thing he had learned best when his ex wife broke his heart and took everything from him...he had to close all of those feelings off and walk around like nothing had even happened. It was true that he found the whole Vulcan idea of 'logic over emotion' thing rather irritating usually, but now it was looking extremely tempting. If only he had the ability to lock away all those thoughts and feelings in his mind forever, and be able to move forward with a clear head.

But no, he was human, and when one was human, they had to grieve over what they lost. What shocked him was the sensation of Spock's hand suddenly on his shoulder and words of promise, "I will not let this pass. No matter her personal thoughts on you, she has no right to exclude you from your own child's life, when you have clearly shown desire and interest in taking part in her upbringing. I will do everything in my power to help you, Leonard."

McCoy wasn't sure what to say or even think with the determination and concern Spock regarded him with, and his face reddened just slightly as he realized just how close their bodies were. It was true that he never regarded Spock in any kind of sexual or romantic fashion, but something about the intensity rolling off the other flooded all of his senses. That, and hearing the other calling him by his first name rather than 'Doctor' also felt nice. He was abruptly reminded of how he hadn't allowed anyone this close to him since his divorce with his wife, so to feel Spock's hand squeezing his shoulder in comfort, and feeling the other's heat near him definitely sent some wonderful sensations running up his nerves.

The doctor gulped and responded carefully, "Thank you. You don't know what that means to me."

A few more moments passed, but Spock didn't move away from him, and he didn't move away either. He then just let impulse control him, just doing what came naturally on finding out he found a friend that cared so much about him in Spock. He lunged forward and pulled Spock into a tight hug. Moments after he made the move, he wondered just what was in the water that would make him think it was a good idea to hug a Vulcan like this, but Spock shocked him again by raising his own arms up to hug him back.

McCoy let his own breath out very slowly against Spock's neck as the hug kept going between them, realizing that the two of them should have pulled away far sooner for it to be considered just friendly. So what was this? He knew that he didn't want to move away from the other, and it was obvious that Spock felt the same. He also knew that if it hadn't felt so nice he would have already thought himself out of this far too long hug, not often feeling deserving of such affection, especially not from Spock.

He gulped one more time and his hands shook as he let them run down Spock's back slowly enough for the other to push him away if he'd completely misread the signs, but the Vulcan didn't move as he softly ran his hands all the way down. This was definitely dangerous territory to find himself in, and as much as it scared him, it excited him too. He decided to just turn his mind off, just for a few blissful minutes. His breath caught in his throat as he moved back from Spock slightly to look into his eyes, and it wasn't the usual calm, cool, and collected look he found there. No, those eyes were filled with so much care and concern for him, and then he just couldn't stop himself.

McCoy leaned forward quickly and locked Spock in a passionate kiss, feeling so grateful to the other and just wanting this physical connection with another being. He then let his hands run into Spock's hair, finding it silky under his fingertips, and Spock responded by pulling him even closer. How could it be that Spock wanted him of all people like this? He thought he was straight, what with his involvement with Uhura and all. And really, even if he was bi, he thought he'd want Jim, since he knew how close the two of them were. He couldn't believe that Spock could have any desires like this for him.

But, he wasn't foolish enough to question a good thing, especially after not touching anyone like this for as long as he had. And it appeared that Spock had no objection to this turn of events, his hands moving down to rest over his behind and pull him flush against him. That made McCoy gasp into their kiss and then begin to plant kisses all the way down the Vulcan's neck, the heat of the other's skin feeling pleasantly warm against his lips. Spock made a quiet murmur of approval and he slid his thumbs under McCoy's shirt to teasingly rub against his sides and stomach, making the doctor shiver with anticipation.

Just where was this going? If he asked himself, he had no choice but to admit that he just wanted more after being starved of touch for so long, but he had to ask why Spock was acting now? He didn't want this to be some kind of move to make him feel better in his terrible situation, with Spock just going along with this to please him. He couldn't ignore his mind any longer, since he never wanted to set himself up for the kind of hurt he'd already experienced in his life, the consequences of which he was still experiencing today.

With an extremely hesitant push, he distanced himself from Spock to suck in a deep breath, and he asked, "Spock...I...I really do want this, but...I think we need to talk for a minute here."

Spock seemed to take his own calming breath on replying evenly, "Very well. What do you wish to speak about?"

McCoy couldn't help the dry chuckle at that, but then looking at Spock very seriously, "I think the right question is, what do we talk about first? How long have you felt this way about me? What would you want to happen between us after this? Why now?"

With so many years of his life already wasted in one failed marriage, he wasn't itching to find himself in another relationship where the people in it may not be on the same page. He knew that now he was older and wiser, and as much as it made the mystique of falling in love a little less attractive, it really was best to just lay it all on the table before both people got way too far in to come out without being hurt. His heart already had too much to bear in this regard, and this is what had him looking at Spock expectantly as the Vulcan thought over his questions before answering.

Looking down finally, Spock's cheeks took the slightest of green tinges, something that McCoy suddenly found very cute for some reason, and he answered softly, "I cannot say when my regard toward you changed from strictly platonic to romantic in nature. It is a change that has had me reconsider my first thoughts on you and in recent weeks, I have been experiencing a very distinct...physical attraction to you."

It was McCoy's turn to blush at this, and he muttered, "For a Vulcan, you sure know a thing or two about flattery."

Spock shook his head once and responded, "It is not flattery. It is truth."

After a moment of silence, Spock continued, "As far as my expectations on the change in our relationship as a result of this, I leave that decision entirely up to you. I would not be opposed to 'dating' you, as I understand that is what done in human relationships where both parties involved share a similar physical and emotional attraction, unless I have direly misread your thoughts on this situation."

McCoy chuckled again, more amused this time, "For once, you're right on the money. I'm not sure when things changed for me either, but now...this just feels right."

Spock just nodded his agreement, reaching out to lightly place a hand on his shoulder. McCoy couldn't help but sigh and give him a small smile. The smile didn't stay long though as he realized that Spock didn't answer one of his questions. Knowing Spock, it wasn't because he forgot about it. He obviously ignored it, and he had to find out why.

Clearing his throat, the doctor softly asked, "As much as I want this, and how much you clearly want this too...why now? I know that if hasn't been too long since you and Lt. Uhura broke up- "

Spock swiftly interrupted him, his skin going greener in what was presumably embarrassment, "Nyota is a wonderful woman...thoughtful, kind, extremely intelligent, but I...I did not feel the appropriate connection. I did not feel...this."

Spock's eyes turned shyly to him, and then McCoy felt himself flushing again, as the Vulcan continued speaking, "This was why I had to end our romantic association. I would not stay with her when she expected me to feel the same way when I did not."

"Oh, Spock." McCoy said sympathetically, reaching out to lightly touch his face, knowing how it was to want to love someone so much because you know they loved you, but still being unable to do so.

Spock looked at the floor again, "She was a blessing on the loss of Vulcan, my mother, and most of our people. I am certain I would not have fared nearly as well without her continued kind words and support. But...on coming to terms with my losses, I found...that I did not view her in the romantic way she wished. The way she viewed me. I could not justify to myself any right in making use of her feelings in this way, so I had to end our romantic relationship."

McCoy's face got even more sympathetic and he pulled Spock into a hug and spoke into his hear, "Relationships and love are never easy, Spock. Nothing really feels like it could be the right decision for everyone involved, especially in situations like that."

Spock only nodded back and pulled closer to him, making him feel warm inside again that the Vulcan trusted him so deeply. He wasn't sure how he'd obtained that trust, but he'd sure as hell do whatever he could to feel as though he'd earned it. After a long moment, Spock spoke again, "And I do mean to help you with your daughter."

"Really, Spock, I do appreciate it, but there's not much – "

"It is a promise." Spock cut him off stubbornly, and McCoy knew that there wasn't anything he could say to change the other's mind.

He didn't overly want to either. It really felt nice to have someone so eager to help him in his corner for once, and especially in a situation like this one? It was absolutely invaluable to him. McCoy then sighed and then pulled close to Spock once more. The silent moments where he felt this appreciated were far too few in his life, and so he would take advantage of it.