Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me! All Harry Potter characters, etc.,
belong to J.K. Rowling and if you believe the weird copyright things they
also belong to Warner Bros., but I'm only going to acknowledge J.K. Rowling
because she is a wonderful and imaginative woman and Warner Bros. stole her
idea. Well, bought it, but it's all relative, Watson.
A/N: OK, here is another typically weird story for you all to enjoy?! Please review! Pleeeeeeeease?! ( Oh, and Harry and Hermione are staying at the Burrow - it's late summer holidays.
THE FIFTH-YEAR HOWLERS by Norbert for President (Head of the Leprechaun Society, Honorary Mushroom, Fake Order of Merlin - First Class (well, naturally), and Randomly Mad Individual)
Chapter One: Hormones and Harry
Lord Voldemort was getting on Harry Potter's fifteen year old nerves. So young Harry thought that to compensate, he would get on everyone else's nerves. And everyone included Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger.
'He ANNOOOOOOOOOOOOYS me!'
'Yes, we KNOW Harry, we know he annoys you.'
'He ANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYS me!'
'Yes, Harry, we KNOW! Now shut up!'
'But he ANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYS me!'
'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!' screamed Ron.
'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!' screamed Hermione.
'If he annoys you so much, Harry, DO SOMETHING about it. OK? Only DON'T tell us about it. Scream at him or something. Send him some of Snape's toad guts. Curse him. But DON'T TELL US about it.' said Ron.
'Now there's an idea!' said Hermione, exasperated. 'Just . . . just shut up about it.'
'But what can I really actually do to annoy him. Because I have to do something because this is really ANNOYING me!'
'Yes. We know. We know only too well.' said Hermione, breathing rather fast through her nose, à la Professor McGonagall.
'But what can I DO about him?'
'Work it out for yourself, mate,' said Ron, unsympathetically. 'Or you could come and play Quidditch.'
'Yeah. Yeah. I'll come and play Quidditch. But he ANNOOOOOYS me!'
'We know Harry. Believe me, we really do know.'
Fifteen minutes later, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, and Ginny all trooped out to play Quidditch on the small paddock outside the Burrow surrounded by tall trees. And all was going well for Harry's side. Except that the star player was too ANNOOOOOYED to concentrate. And missed the Snitch completely. Several times.
'Harry, what's wrong with you?' asked Fred, after Harry had missed the Snitch which had this time actually perched on top of his glasses.
'Don't ask!' said Ron and Hermione in unison.
'He's ANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOYED.' Said Hermione.
'Why?'
But Ron just rolled his eyes in reply. Meanwhile, a switch had been flicked inside Harry's brain. A rather faultily-wired switch, but a switch nonetheless. And consequently, Harry Potter, celebrity and moron, had had an Idea. Not a brilliant idea, but come on, it counts for something.
'I know!' began Harry.
'What?' asked Hermione.
'I've forgotten,' said Harry, dejectedly. But two minutes later . . .
'I know!'
'What?' asked Ron.
'I've forgotten.' But two minutes later . . .
'I'LL SEND HIM A HOWLER!' Harry bellowed, falling off his Firebolt. 'Whoops!' he muttered dazedly before picking himself up and taking himself into the Burrow.
'Mrs. Weasley . . . ?'
'Yes, Harry dear?'
'Can I write a Howler?'
'All right, dear.' said Mrs. Weasley, looking slightly worried. 'The envelopes are in that cupboard there.'
Harry went over to the cupboard, opened it, and took out an envelope.
'Er . . . Harry, that's just a normal envelope actually. Howlers are red, remember?'
'Oh yes,' said Harry vaguely, choosing a pink envelope instead.
'No, red.'
'Oh,' said Harry, finally choosing the correct envelope. 'What are pink ones for?'
Mrs. Weasley turned vermillion and began stuttering and giggling. Harry left the room, clutching his red envelope, and didn't ask Mrs. Weasley any further questions. Unfortunately this was because he had forgotten he asked one, not because he possessed a discernible amount of tact. Harry took the envelope up into Ron's bedroom, and prodded it with his wand. The envelope exploded.
'Whoops,' was the pearl of wisdom that now dropped from the mouth of our favourite black-haired hero.
So silly little Harry pootled off downstairs to get another one. He took a red envelope from the cupboard. Mrs. Weasley was still there fanning herself and giggling, but now only crimson. Harry looked at her concernedly, decided not to comment, and went off in search of Hermione, who, he was sure, would know how to send a Howler.
'Um, Hermione?'
'Yes Harry. We know he ANNOOOOOOOOOYS you.'
'That wasn't what I was going to say. Though he does ANNOOOOOOOOY me.'
'Shut up! We know! What were you going to say?'
'Erm . . .' (two minutes later) 'Oh, I know!' said Harry looking down at the red envelope in his hand. 'How do you send Howlers?'
'OK . . .' said Ron.
'OK . . .' said Hermione.
'How do you send them?'
'Well, you have to scream really loudly to start it off and then you can shout everything you want to say, and then you close it. That's all there is to it, really.' Said Ron, worriedly.
'Oh. OK. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!' shouted Harry.
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!' shouted Hermione. 'Not near ME!'
'Yeah, go away Harry! Don't shout in our ears!'
Harry gave no sign of having heard, so Ron and Hermione ran off.
Harry started screaming.
'I HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE YOU! YOU'RE HOOOOOOOOOOORRIBLE! KEEP AWAY FROM ME YOU FREAK! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! YOU REALLY REALLY ANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY ME!'
Harry continued in this vein for quite some time. Unfortunately, he then forgot who he was shouting at, and asked, 'Who are you?', quite calmly, which kind of reduced the dramatic effect, like, y'know. And as he couldn't remember who he was howling at, he decided to sing instead.
'YODEL-EH-I-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' bellowed Harry. 'YODEL-EH-I- EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!'
Then he remembered what he was doing. 'Oh yes!' he shouted, then carried on. 'I HATE YOU! GO AWAY! DIE DIE DIE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! YOU ANNOOOOOOOOOOY ME!'
He then shut the envelope and tried to give it to Hedwig. Unfortunately, she was too traumatised by his shouting, and ran away from him. The same happened with Errol. And Hermes. But Harry thought they couldn't send it because it wasn't addressed. So he went and found a quill and began to write.
He thought he'd write 'Lord Voldemort' but he just couldn't get it to look right. So he tried to write 'You-Know-Who', but got a bit confused. So he tried to write 'Tom Riddle', but he wasn't SURE he'd got that one right either. So he finally settled for a word he could spell, 'freak'.
The envelope, now covered in scratchy writing and ink-blots, read, 'Voldermoort; Vldemourt; Yoo No Hoo; Tomm Riddel' and finally, in big, black, triumphant capitals, 'FREAK'.
Proudly, Harry gave the red envelope to the only owl in the house who was too stupid to be scared of him. Pig. The little owl flew off into the sky. And Harry waited. Waited for a reply.
A/N: I'll put another chapter up soon if people like this. Please review!
A/N: OK, here is another typically weird story for you all to enjoy?! Please review! Pleeeeeeeease?! ( Oh, and Harry and Hermione are staying at the Burrow - it's late summer holidays.
THE FIFTH-YEAR HOWLERS by Norbert for President (Head of the Leprechaun Society, Honorary Mushroom, Fake Order of Merlin - First Class (well, naturally), and Randomly Mad Individual)
Chapter One: Hormones and Harry
Lord Voldemort was getting on Harry Potter's fifteen year old nerves. So young Harry thought that to compensate, he would get on everyone else's nerves. And everyone included Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger.
'He ANNOOOOOOOOOOOOYS me!'
'Yes, we KNOW Harry, we know he annoys you.'
'He ANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYS me!'
'Yes, Harry, we KNOW! Now shut up!'
'But he ANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYS me!'
'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!' screamed Ron.
'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!' screamed Hermione.
'If he annoys you so much, Harry, DO SOMETHING about it. OK? Only DON'T tell us about it. Scream at him or something. Send him some of Snape's toad guts. Curse him. But DON'T TELL US about it.' said Ron.
'Now there's an idea!' said Hermione, exasperated. 'Just . . . just shut up about it.'
'But what can I really actually do to annoy him. Because I have to do something because this is really ANNOYING me!'
'Yes. We know. We know only too well.' said Hermione, breathing rather fast through her nose, à la Professor McGonagall.
'But what can I DO about him?'
'Work it out for yourself, mate,' said Ron, unsympathetically. 'Or you could come and play Quidditch.'
'Yeah. Yeah. I'll come and play Quidditch. But he ANNOOOOOYS me!'
'We know Harry. Believe me, we really do know.'
Fifteen minutes later, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, and Ginny all trooped out to play Quidditch on the small paddock outside the Burrow surrounded by tall trees. And all was going well for Harry's side. Except that the star player was too ANNOOOOOYED to concentrate. And missed the Snitch completely. Several times.
'Harry, what's wrong with you?' asked Fred, after Harry had missed the Snitch which had this time actually perched on top of his glasses.
'Don't ask!' said Ron and Hermione in unison.
'He's ANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOYED.' Said Hermione.
'Why?'
But Ron just rolled his eyes in reply. Meanwhile, a switch had been flicked inside Harry's brain. A rather faultily-wired switch, but a switch nonetheless. And consequently, Harry Potter, celebrity and moron, had had an Idea. Not a brilliant idea, but come on, it counts for something.
'I know!' began Harry.
'What?' asked Hermione.
'I've forgotten,' said Harry, dejectedly. But two minutes later . . .
'I know!'
'What?' asked Ron.
'I've forgotten.' But two minutes later . . .
'I'LL SEND HIM A HOWLER!' Harry bellowed, falling off his Firebolt. 'Whoops!' he muttered dazedly before picking himself up and taking himself into the Burrow.
'Mrs. Weasley . . . ?'
'Yes, Harry dear?'
'Can I write a Howler?'
'All right, dear.' said Mrs. Weasley, looking slightly worried. 'The envelopes are in that cupboard there.'
Harry went over to the cupboard, opened it, and took out an envelope.
'Er . . . Harry, that's just a normal envelope actually. Howlers are red, remember?'
'Oh yes,' said Harry vaguely, choosing a pink envelope instead.
'No, red.'
'Oh,' said Harry, finally choosing the correct envelope. 'What are pink ones for?'
Mrs. Weasley turned vermillion and began stuttering and giggling. Harry left the room, clutching his red envelope, and didn't ask Mrs. Weasley any further questions. Unfortunately this was because he had forgotten he asked one, not because he possessed a discernible amount of tact. Harry took the envelope up into Ron's bedroom, and prodded it with his wand. The envelope exploded.
'Whoops,' was the pearl of wisdom that now dropped from the mouth of our favourite black-haired hero.
So silly little Harry pootled off downstairs to get another one. He took a red envelope from the cupboard. Mrs. Weasley was still there fanning herself and giggling, but now only crimson. Harry looked at her concernedly, decided not to comment, and went off in search of Hermione, who, he was sure, would know how to send a Howler.
'Um, Hermione?'
'Yes Harry. We know he ANNOOOOOOOOOYS you.'
'That wasn't what I was going to say. Though he does ANNOOOOOOOOY me.'
'Shut up! We know! What were you going to say?'
'Erm . . .' (two minutes later) 'Oh, I know!' said Harry looking down at the red envelope in his hand. 'How do you send Howlers?'
'OK . . .' said Ron.
'OK . . .' said Hermione.
'How do you send them?'
'Well, you have to scream really loudly to start it off and then you can shout everything you want to say, and then you close it. That's all there is to it, really.' Said Ron, worriedly.
'Oh. OK. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!' shouted Harry.
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!' shouted Hermione. 'Not near ME!'
'Yeah, go away Harry! Don't shout in our ears!'
Harry gave no sign of having heard, so Ron and Hermione ran off.
Harry started screaming.
'I HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE YOU! YOU'RE HOOOOOOOOOOORRIBLE! KEEP AWAY FROM ME YOU FREAK! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! YOU REALLY REALLY ANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY ME!'
Harry continued in this vein for quite some time. Unfortunately, he then forgot who he was shouting at, and asked, 'Who are you?', quite calmly, which kind of reduced the dramatic effect, like, y'know. And as he couldn't remember who he was howling at, he decided to sing instead.
'YODEL-EH-I-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' bellowed Harry. 'YODEL-EH-I- EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!'
Then he remembered what he was doing. 'Oh yes!' he shouted, then carried on. 'I HATE YOU! GO AWAY! DIE DIE DIE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! YOU ANNOOOOOOOOOOY ME!'
He then shut the envelope and tried to give it to Hedwig. Unfortunately, she was too traumatised by his shouting, and ran away from him. The same happened with Errol. And Hermes. But Harry thought they couldn't send it because it wasn't addressed. So he went and found a quill and began to write.
He thought he'd write 'Lord Voldemort' but he just couldn't get it to look right. So he tried to write 'You-Know-Who', but got a bit confused. So he tried to write 'Tom Riddle', but he wasn't SURE he'd got that one right either. So he finally settled for a word he could spell, 'freak'.
The envelope, now covered in scratchy writing and ink-blots, read, 'Voldermoort; Vldemourt; Yoo No Hoo; Tomm Riddel' and finally, in big, black, triumphant capitals, 'FREAK'.
Proudly, Harry gave the red envelope to the only owl in the house who was too stupid to be scared of him. Pig. The little owl flew off into the sky. And Harry waited. Waited for a reply.
A/N: I'll put another chapter up soon if people like this. Please review!