I own nothing, and um...this is more for entertainment and squirming Kirk than an explanation for his predicament...hope you enjoy it though!

There'll be more soon (hopefully), just started back at school/work so I've been pretty busy and neglecting my stories .

It had started out simply enough.

"Sir, we're getting some…strange readings. I don't understand what I'm seeing here," the vigilant human helmsman, Sulu, declared uncertainly.

"Okay, well what are you seeing?"

"Um…I don't know."

"Could you try to clarify just slightly more? What do the readings say?"

"Sir…"

"What?!" The Captain rose from his chair, visibly agitated.

There was a sudden chorus of stifled giggles from the bridge.

"Okay, this is serious, stop that. Now, Sulu, tell me what's going on."

"Um, Captain. It appears to be…a message for you."

"Uh…what?"

The doors to the bridge opened, admitting the surly doctor, who charged up to Jim, almost perceptibly fuming. "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not your personal answer machine!"

Jim stepped back, raising his hands in the universal gesture of 'it wasn't me'. "What the hell is going on, Bones?"

"What's going on is that I just got a call from someone telling me to pass on to you that 'you are the best captain', and they hope to 'see you soon' for some 'pleasurable entertainment'. Now who the hell was it?"

Jim blinked several times in rapid succession.

"Well?" Growled Bones.

"Give me a second. I'm thinking," and indeed he was running through a list of his recent trysts. "Sulu, what exactly does the message say?"

"Well, sir…maybe you should read it for yourself. It's on all the scanners here."

"Just tell me, dammit."

Sulu cleared his throat. "'Hey big boy, I admire you greatly, come back to mine and I promise you won't be disappointed. Please respond, I wish to be in contact with you soon in a receptive but alluringly threatening way.'"

Jim's eyes flicked up to where Sulu sat, completely bloodless.

"That's what it actually says?"

"Yes, sir."

"Okay, Bones," he said, turning to the Doctor, "I need to know everything you can tell me about that voice."

"Dammit Jim-"

"Look, I don't know who this is," he turned outward, to the rest of the bridge crew, "but until I do, we're treating any incoming messages as hostile. They've managed to access the scanners directly, and that's never a positive thing. So can you work with me here? I'm as much in the dark as you are."

The first officer, Spock, a Vulcan of some note, rose from his chair and strode toward the captain.

"Sir, from the nature of these messages, I would assume that you have some knowledge of the identity of the source. Is this assumption correct?"

"Spock, look," Jim said, rubbing his eyes, "I have a lot of enemies. None that I know of who would send that sort of message, but I can't rule out the possibility that someone is trying to play me."

"'Play' you? In what way? Please clarify."

"Well, I can only assume that they want the crew thinking this is just some past hook-up coming back to haunt me. But I don't think so. Who says 'big boy' anymore? I don't think that's even a thing. And that didn't even make any sense."

"Jim, why would they call me and not you?'

"I don't know, Bones. But what did the voice sound like?"

"Well, it was a woman."

"Oh, well done."

"Dammit Jim—"

"Okay, okay. What did she sound like? Human?"

"You mean to tell me you date outside your species?"

"I dabble. Now, was she human?"

"I think so."

"Old? Young?"

"Probably older than you, maybe…goddammit I don't know!"

"Please Bones. Work with me here."

"Captain, perhaps we should try to make contact with whoever sent the message." Spock spoke impassively.

"How, did she leave a communicator code?"

"Not that I know of, but we may be able to track the signal."

"Get on that."

Kirk sat down in his chair, sighing.

He didn't have to wait long before the next transmission.

Sulu began to read the message on the screen but the Captain interjected at "I long for your imminent entry into social intercourse with me."

His eyes flicked across the screen, widening slightly. This reaction, in conjunction with increased pupillary dilation, contraction of the Occipitofrontalis, Procerus, and Corrugator supercilii muscles of his forehead, and the red flush creeping into his cheeks, indicated a mixture of human emotions including embarrassment and confusion.

Captain Kirk shook his head.
"I want to know who or what is sending these, and I want to know right now."
After a second's pause, the view screen displayed the face of a rather attractive and fairly mature woman.
Captain James Kirk faced the screen. He was about to open his mouth and deliver a cutting Captainly chastisement, but she began to speak first.
"Captain Kirk, I request that you sensually and irresistibly hand over control of your ship to me, my darling."
She paused for a second, and the Captain raised his eyebrows. "Just like that?"
"Ooh, maybe we should have a little rough and tumble first, big boy."
There were stifled giggles from behind Captain Kirk, and he shifted uncomfortably.
It was particularly strange to see the woman's unwaveringly blank facial expression as she expelled archaic innuendo in her speech.
"Uh, look, Miss…we don't know each other. If you're threatening this ship, I would prefer our communication to remain…uh…professional. You must have a reason to expect us to surrender, so what do you have to bargain with?"
"Captain, it is our understanding that you frequently engage in sexual relations with other humanoids, particularly of the opposite sex. Thus we expect our communication to proceed more gregariously if this knowledge is taken into regard and implied within the context of this and previous missives for our benefit and your own false feelings of comfort and security."
"Is it…something you can…uh…not do?" The Captain asked, taken aback.
"Indubitably. That would be quite simple."
There was a pause, in which the woman onscreen remained entirely inert, with her eyes closed.
The bridge crew glanced around at each other.
"Um, look. I want to know what's going on here." The Captain's voice was rather uncertain.
"Ah, Captain Kirk. My most hated enemy. You will be but a pile of ashes in an hour if you do not surrender your ship and beam aboard my own for appalling torture and eventual death." The woman's eyes flickered open as she spoke.
Kirk took a full step back. "Uh."
"Hahaha, he quails in fear." Again, the expression of the woman remained neutral and unblinking. Her laugh was a staccato repetition of the same sound.
"Tell me why I should surrender," the Captain said, somewhat recovered.
"I have manpower you could not dream of, and weapons you can't possibly defeat, and I will hurt your emotions, and you will cry like a baby, you are no match for me."
There was silence for some time.
"Um."

Yeah I know, it probably doesn't seem to make sense (yet), but tell me what you think of the update!

Ugh also I think has fudged up my formatting. FML.