"It's not against the law to take a mistress, Mr. Bates," Anna blurted, but it was a relief to say it.

She reached for him; he cradled her hand in both of his.

"I know you Anna Smith and I love you and that is not the right path for you. But it won't be long now,"

Anna nodded, telling herself to be patient, still more patient. But then she said, "It seems a long time already," she couldn't help herself.

"I know. But I have to do this the right way,"

Anna nodded again.

"And I want you every bit as much as you want me. More than," he said.

"I doubt that,"

"Don't doubt. Never doubt,"

"Your mind can't possibly be going the places mine does,"

"You are wrong, Anna,"

"I want you so badly sometimes, that at night I cry. Not just from my heart. I cry from wanting you. Do you do that?"

"You've ruined my sleep for years,"

"I used to stand by you in the kitchen-"

"Yes,"

"As close as I could, without...impropriety...just to smell you, just to try to feel...what you would feel like if you would touch me or kiss me-"

"I felt you. I wanted you. You know I did,"

"I wanted to slip my hand inside your waistcoat. I wanted to wrap my arms around you, I wanted-"

"Anna-"

"You make me into...a...a ravenous creature," she said.

"Hardly,"

"Am I not?"

"No. You are the finest woman I have ever met. I've never known anyone like you,"

"Then why am I so hungry around you?"

"Because you," he said, lightly rubbing his thumbs on her palm, making her wish she had taken off her gloves, "Are life itself. And because we have done things properly, which is never easy. But I will honor you in every way, in every conceivable way,"

Her eyes flicked across the pub, then back to him.

"I'd rather you ravished me," she whispered, "Than honored me. Right now I would. Truly. I can't stop thinking of it sometimes. It overwhelms me,"

"Do you think I'm not overwhelmed?"

Anna knew she was pouting; that was hardly helpful. Still she sighed a big, shuddering sigh.

"On Tuesdays and Fridays, you smelled like lavender, or tea roses," he said, "Because you'd been scenting Lady Mary's linens. Sometimes on Sundays you smelled like the meadows, because you'd wander in them after church. Saturday nights, when there was apple tart, your breath would smell like apples and I'd listen to you talking to me at dinner and try not to stare at your mouth because I wanted to kiss you so badly, I wouldn't be able to stop at your lips. I would need to kiss all of you,"

Anna's breath caught.

"You have one lace collar that catches the light in the mornings just a bit blue, and it makes your eyes a lighter blue. But only in the morning. By afternoon they're as deep as the Irish Sea, a dark, stormy blue. By the afternoon your shoulders are bunched up until you've finished for the day, because you can't relax until all is done. When you are tired," his eyes were soft, but his breath was coming a bit faster now, "You have a little sadness in the corners of your eyes, like a disappointed child, and I always want you on my lap then, I've rehearsed in my mind a thousand times how I would pull you onto my lap and kiss you right there in the servant's hall and bring ruin on us both,"

Anna laughed.

"I will not only honor you, Anna," he said, his eyes darkening, "I will serve you. In every way,"

"Serve me?"

His eyes were even darker. "Yes,"

Anna blinked uncertainly.

His voice had lowered into velvet. "I will serve every inch of you. A million times,"

Anna gasped, understanding.

"As your husband,"

Anna lowered her head.

He reached across the table and lifted her chin, his finger lingering, giving a tender, light stroke under her chin for only an instant; the caress seemed to flutter down through her, down through her dry throat, past the beating butterfly wings in her belly and settling in an agonizing little spot to quiver there like a feather in a breeze. If he wanted to make my life complete torture, she thought, he could nearly send me off a cliff. They both glanced around the pub, where no one was paying any mind to them.

Anna was dizzy. Her skin seemed to be humming. He was holding her hand quietly on the table. She swallowed.

"I'll go back to my room tonight and imagine what you meant," she said.

"You should,"

"Should I?" said Anna, with a touch of sarcasm now, "Isn't that improper?"

"Of course not. And nothing that happens between us, when the promise has been kept to you, none of that is improper. When I have given my troth to you, everything you want will be my ambition. So it follows," he lowered his voice even more, "That if you know what you want, and are willing to discover it and share it with me, so much the better. I can't be much of a husband without some guidance,"

Anna's head reeled.

"But, you've already been ma-"

"Don't mistake experience for relevance,"

Anna shook her head, confused.

"The better informed you are of your pleasure," he brought his voice to a near-whisper, "The better I can serve,"

Anna was suddenly hit by his meaning, in a series of vivid pictures in her mind. She blushed deeply and looked at the wood grain of the table.

"I've embarrassed you. I'm sorry,"

"No. Well, yes, but-but it's what I wanted. I needed something. I needed to think that-that you want me," her voice trembled, finally saying it.

"When you are alone, and you think of me, think of pleasure for yourself. In any way you are able to. And know that I am thinking of pleasing you. When you undress for bed, I am thinking of undressing you for bed. I am thinking of taking down your hair, of your fine little figure, your sweet mouth, your enormous blue eyes looking up at me, Anna. I am thinking of you beneath me, your scent, your voice, what sounds you will make, what you will ask me for, how I will please you. I think of it every night. Know that,"

Anna was still flushed, her heart pounding.

"I don't know if this has helped or not," she said.

"Well, we'll need to change the subject," said John, "Before we get up from this table,"

Anna nodded, then it dawned on her what he had said. He was smiling at her.

Anna bust into giggles and covered her mouth. He was biting his lip, his eyes shining into hers. They laughed as quietly as possible for a few minutes.

Anna sighed. She did feel better. She felt that he wanted her now, and she had some recourse to deal with her own disturbances. And she felt closer to him, knowing that he was thinking of these things. It turned discomfort into comfort.

She looked across the table at him, drinking in the way he was looking at her with his fine eyes. How beautiful he was, and how loving, in a way she hadn't thought of. She had plenty to think about now, in the lonely hours.

"Will you come and see me next week?"

"I was going to ask you," she smiled as they headed for the door.

"There's no need for you to ever ask me that,"

"Next week,"

He held the door, gazing at her with such heat that Anna flushed again.

"Sleep well," he said. "And never doubt,"