A Cracky AU scene resulting from insomnia and excess chocolate during examination weeks based on Murkybluematter's Rigel Black series OR my love letter to the awesomeness given to us by Murkybluematter's Rigel Black.

Summary: For those of you who haven't read Murkybluematter's Rigel Black series – What are you doing? Go read it now. If for some incomprehensible reason you haven't but still want to read this- this is what you have to know:

Harry Potter is actually Harriet Potter and she secretly exchanges place with her male cousin (Sirius Black's son) to go to Hogwarts because he wants to learn healing in America and she wants to learn potions under Potion Master Snape but Hogwarts only allows purebloods and she doesn't qualify. She makes friends with Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson all the while masquerading as her male cousin and is apprenticed to Severus Snape.

Actually, all you need to know for this chapter is that Rigel Black (aka Harriet Potter) has an unhealthy obsession with Potions and is both very smart and a clueless idiot when it comes to social cues.

Chapter 1: Love at First Sight

Parvati sighed again as she looked past the latest antiques of the Weasley twins to the entrance of the Great Hall. She narrowed her eyes as she saw other students doing the same. Two of the Silver Three had just entered and half the Hogwarts population fancied themselves in love with one or more of them. And who could blame them? Powerful, rich, connected and beyond handsome – it had qualified them as the school heartthrobs by third year.

The heir of Lucius Malfoy yielded his overpowering charm like second nature. He had always had those gleaming grey eyes and nearly white blond hair but this year, he had also eclipsed the other two in height with his latest growth spurt. And unlike the majority of the Hogwarts teenagers, managed to sail through puberty with grace, bypassing the awkward gangly limbs, spotty skin and horrible fashion sense by some secret Malfoy inheritance. Unfortunately, he also went through girls like used tissue, and somehow still had a horde pining after him. Parvati flicked her eyes towards the most envied girl in Hogwarts who was supporting herself on Malfoy's elbow as she sat down. Pansy Parkinson was a harpy of the first order and no, Parvati was not jealous but that Awful-Girl whose only link to fame were her friends had scuppered her plans for true love. Her only use was in stopping other girls from encroaching onto Rigel Black.

Parvati had heard tales of Sirius Black being able to charm the robes out of any witch with his boisterous charisma and magnetic personality. Rigel Black was a slighter image of his father, as popular with the student population and yet nothing alike. His nature to seek the shadows and let his friends into the spotlight was endearing, as was his quiet personality and renowned kindness. Rigel had not grown much taller than the-witch-who-shall-not-be-named and had soft regal features with large arresting eyes.

If only she had recognised her future husband in second year. Parvati felt mortified when she remembered how she had acted in that hospital wing. With her growing crush and his growing fame after defeating the basilisk she had gone up to the Slytherin Common Room and apologised meekly because that's what the heroines did when the hero saved their sister from a monster basilisk. Rigel had given her an embarrassed smile and said he had already forgotten about it- that's when Parvati knew they were destined to be together. But then, as soon as she had that realisation, that Awful-Witch had called him to her and Malfoy the stupid heartthrob had drawled something cruel which she had blotted out of her memory for the sake of her self-esteem. Since that fateful day, Parvati had been hard at work in order to connect with her one true love.

It was just so – hard.

It was nearly impossible to catch him without a Weasley or a Slytherin hanging onto him and her first plan in third year had been an embarrassing disaster. She had only meant to pretend to be drowning on a day all the students were out enjoying the last of the Summer air and she knew Rigel had been dragged outside by the bossy Slytherins. Only, then, her romantic screams which had turned Rigel's eyes towards her had grown piercingly real as she felt herself being dragged down by a slimy tentacle and real fear had grasped her tight as her vision turned black and she gulped in water. The mortifying part was waking up, not to Rigel's worried gaze, but to the disgusting mouth of Longbottom who claimed to have been giving her mouth-to-mouth. Shivering under the nasty Slytherin smirks and shrieking at the embarrassment which had been quadrupled when she realised Rigel Black was watching, she had run off to the Hospital Wing for a calming draught.

The second time occurred just before the Christmas Holidays and was perfect and would have worked if not for that interfering witch. Parvati knew she had to kiss Rigel. He was so shy he would never take the first step. And to catch him at a truly romantic location, she had enthusiastically helped Professor Flitwick with the Christmas decorations and had put herself in charge of hanging mistletoe in all the possible locations she could think of. The result was a lot of wary students including her beloved carefully dodging the areas so she redoubled her efforts and had hung some on nearly every doorway including the Great Hall. The day before the students left for the holidays she took her chance and waited just inside the Great Hall at breakfast, pretending to read a book. She patiently ignored the students trickling in before finally hearing the Awful-Witch's laughter and pounced forward - and yes! She just had the time to see his startled beautiful eyes before they locked lips.

It was meant to be perfect.

How was she supposed to know the students had tracked snow making the hallway slippery and her slightly eager jump would result in her beloved slipping and cracking his skull into unconsciousness with her still on top of him in a position that would usually make her ecstatic. She shivered; it had only been Dumbledore's amused presence that day that had stopped the 5 accompanying Slytherins from cursing her. Even then, after Dumbledore had reenervated Rigel and healed the mild concussion the stupid Slytherins had make an evil alliance to keep her away from her future husband. Whatever she did, she could never get close to him again and her poor fiancé shivered with longing whenever he saw her.

Which was why this plan was foolproof.

She had observed Rigel Black's coming and goings carefully and she knew that he spent every evening alone in his lab brewing potions. Parvati had also noticed his friends often went down with food when he missed dinner such as today. She had orchestrated the timing perfectly, fifteen minutes before the Awful-Witch finished dinner and started fetching food for Rigel Black in order to trap his affections she got up quietly, dodged the squawking canary that used to be Ron Weasley before his brothers got to him and holding the plate carefully, slipped down towards the dungeons. It was a matter of seconds to drip the love potion she had proudly brewed herself with the aid of Witch Weekly's recipe over the baked potatoes which she had heard on good authority Rigel loved. Of course Parvati knew their true love could not be manufactured, the love potion was just for him to get rid of his dreaded friends so they could spend time together. Reaching the lab door- it had taken weeks to follow him to this lab without him getting suspicious- she breathed in deeply and pasted an enticing smile as she walked briskly in. As expected, Rigel was there, brewing feverishly over a large cauldron. He didn't even notice her entrance.

'Hello Rigel, Parkinson told me to pass this plate onto you, she needed to talk to Professor Snape about something first.'

She watched him jump and half turn: 'Patil! How- You shouldn't be in here. I'm at a rather delicate stage-'

She held up the plate, 'But Parkinson told me not to leave until you ate; she says you've grown too thin.' That was a total lie, her Rigel was perfect but her weeks of stalking did help knowing the Awful-Witch's character.

'What? Pansy sent you?' Rigel turned away from his potions distractedly, 'Look, I'm grateful, but I'll go eat something later at-' He paused at the plate she had brandished under his nose and his eyes slowly glazed.

Wow, the potion must have been very effective if even the smell could distract her beloved. Slowly, he dropped the herbs he was holding into the cauldron and lifted a spoonful into his mouth, chewing mechanically. Yes! It had worked. Now Patil gazed soulfully into his eyes, waiting for the realisation that they were soul mates and belonged to each other. Unfortunately at that moment, the cauldron spat an angry red and Rigel automatically turned and waved his hand, vanishing all the liquid.

And then he paused.

'Rigel?' she tittered nervously as he unrelentedly stared at his empty cauldron. Her beloved continued to ignore her, even when she delicately placed her hand over his heart.

'I'm in love...' he finally murmured and Parvati sighed happily, finally it was happening!

Only... Rigel was not supposed to shake her off and dive into the cauldron.

Which was how when Snape burst into the room like an angry bat he found Rigel clinging to the inside of a cauldron while Parvati desperately tried to pull him out by his legs.

'What is going on here?' He said in a deadly voice and Parvati shivered.

She didn't understand what had gone wrong. She whimpered at the Potions Master's glare, especially as she saw Malfoy and that Awful-Witch coming down the corridor with a plate of food.

'I- I ...' She stuttered, unable to explain in a coherent manner what had once been her brilliant plan.

She was saved from answering by Rigel, who had taken advantage of her momentary distraction to clamber fully into the cauldron with only his head emerging. All three Slytherins took a step back as Rigel gave them the largest sweetest smile she had ever seen as he rubbed his cheek against the cauldron rim and declared again: 'I'm in love' . Pansy gasped while Draco stared but only the Potions Master had the presence of mind to turn his eyes towards her with an even darker glare.

'Ms Patil, if you value your continued existence at Hogwarts, I would advise you to tell me what exactly you have done to Mr Black.'

Her chin wobbled as she looked into his eyes and then suddenly, the events of the last hours were flashing in her mind until Professor Snape cursed out loud. She gasped. She had never heard him swear and her mother would wash her mouth with soap if she ever used those words

'You stupid girl! You could have killed him- you can't brew a shrinking solution never mind a love potion.
The Awful-Witch gasped in outrage and the Malfoy heir took out his wand but Snape had already turned towards the happily smiling Rigel and snapped: 'Come out of there Mr Black before you sustain liver damage from that combination of ingredients.'

'No. You can't take my cauldron away. We belong together.' And Rigel ducked his head inside, hands still gripping both edges.

Parvati let out a gasp as she realised she her actions: 'I've poisoned Rigel? He'll never be normal again? But I followed the recipe so-'

Snape glared harder if possible, 'You foolish child! Through sheer, dumb luck you created a bastardized version of the Infatuation Draught. As the name suggests, it causes the drinker to 'fall in love' with the first animate or inanimate thing they set their eyes upon,' he then softened his voice: 'Mr Black- Rigel, you can keep your cauldron, just come out of there.'

The Awful-Witch strode pass her and added: 'Come on Rigel, we would never take potions away, we'll even give you a new one.'

'No. I want this one. I love this one.'

Finally, while she watched aghast at what she had done to her one true love, Malfoy approached and after a simple stunning spell, levitated his immobile friend.

'There now, how do we fix him?'

Snape responded by grasping Rigel firmly and murmured: 'Erupto' which caused Rigel to vomit the partially digested potato slice and not much else. She looked away, slightly disgusted. Rigel continued to force heave until nothing came out. Satisfied, the potions master summoned a vial and practically shoved it down the throat of the vacillating boy. Immediately his gaze cleared and he looked around in confusion.

'What happened?' He shivered.

Malfoy drawled: 'We interrupted a love affair with your cauldron.'

'What?' Rigel frowned, as he took in the occupants in the room. 'Patil what are you doing here? And where is the Aconite variation Potion I was brewing?'

Parvati took a deep breath, this was her final chance, he needed to understand.

'I came to talk to you. We never talk!' She announced a bit shriller then she would have liked.

'Ms Patil I would suggest you shut up now.' The Professor tried to interrupt the conversation but Parvati would not be denied. Two many failed attempts to connect with her beloved. 'This is ridiculous! We are meant to be together. You're my soul mate but we don't talk! And if we don't talk then that Awful-Witch', she nodded viciously at the other witch to make sure there was no confusion, '-will break us apart and how will we get married then!'

All four occupants began to speak but it was Rigel's soft voice that silenced everyone.

'I'm sorry Parvati, but I already have a fiancé.'

'WHAT?' She wasn't the only one who shrieked that and she glared at Malfoy and the Awful-Witch for copying her.

'But you can't be engaged, mother is making her lists of potential brides for you too and you know how she hates surprises and how is that even the point-'

'Rigel Arcturus Black how dare you not tell us before now? I thought we were your friends! And what are my going to tell Aldon? And how are my going to organise all the invitations and guest lists if you don't tell me from the moment the papers were signed-'

'But you can't! Who! I've followed you for ages; you didn't even kiss anyone this year.

Her beloved who was breaking her heart smiled slightly. 'Sorry Pans, Dray, I didn't want to say anything until the papers were finalised. I'm engaged to my cousin, Harriet Potter.'

In her periphery she saw the two other students erupt in a barrage of indignation, even the Potions Master choked at that point but she ignored it all as her poor heart couldn't take anymore and she fainted.

A/N: The Erupto spell for vomiting was borrowed from Death of Today by Epic Solemnity.