A/N: So let it first be known that this little project started out as an idea in my head, born from way too many late nights spent aimlessly browsing Wikipedia entries. I've always been a fan of the Resident Evil series, having picked up the series starting in Resident Evil 4 and then slowly working my way back through the previous releases and then the subsequent releases in the series. (Not too big a fan of the new action-shooter route they're taking but I'm sticking by them nonetheless) And since I was inspired by the middling and mixed reviews of the latest numerical installment, Resident Evil 6, I decided why not just throw all the RE characters into one story and combine them into some meta all-star ensemble quirky comedy piece. Blame my recent discovery of Arrested Development on Netflix which inspired this piece as well.

Consider this also a nice little break from my other main work, an original story set and intertwined with the Mass Effect trilogy. In other words, this is just an excuse for me to go out there and write something silly featuring the cast from Capcom's long-running survival horror franchise.

I don't consider myself to the be the ultimate fan who knows every single lore of the Resident Evil series inside and out, so I'll only be utilizing characters from the main, canonical games or the spin-offs that I've had the chance of playing. That includes most of the numerical installments in the franchise and hey, maybe you'll be able to see other recurring characters make a small cameo.

So, sit back and I hope you'll enjoy this quirky little piece I've whipped up.

RESIDENT EVIL 7: CASTING CALL

Chapter 1 – Back into the Fray

The place was a tropical paradise. Pristine beaches, cerulean waters, and clear-blue skies; there was honestly little more that Leon Scott Kennedy could ask for. After the grueling ordeal that was the production of Resident Evil 6 only to have the game garner mixed and polarizing reviews, all he wanted was a nice little vacation to get away from it all. And he did, which was why he's been stuck in this paradise ever since the game was released almost a half year ago. And boy, was every single moment worth it.

Sunlight flittered through the white satin curtains into the luxurious hotel suite which he had been calling home for the past few months. Leon groaned as he turned his head to avert the sun's piercing rays. He was on vacation and right now, not even the sun could tell him when to start his day. Until, that is, when the bedside phone rang.

Leon grabbed a pillow and wrapped it around his ears, hoping to drown the jarring sounds of the phone out. Maybe if he lay there long enough, the phone would stop ringing. There was no such luck. Mumbling something intelligible, he rolled over and reluctantly picked up the receiver.

"Hello…" he muttered, still groggy from sleep.

"Say that again?" What was being said on the other line startled his senses wide awake – enough to cause him to sit upright.

"Yeah," he nodded. "I understand. When do you need us to be there?" several more attentive nods, "Sure, yeah…we'll catch the first flight out." And with that, Leon set the phone down, running a hand through his unnaturally and finely-coiffed hair; still in disbelief over the recent exchange of words.

There's a murmur on the side of the bed next to him and soon, a delicate arm snaked its way around his wai

"Who was that, Leon?"

Helena Harper grunted as she sat up, resting her disheveled face on Leon's shoulder.

"It was from the guys at Capcom. They're sending out casting calls to see who gets to star in Resident Evil 7. They're calling us both in."

At this, Helena immediately perked up, the sleep wiped completely from her eyes. "What? Who else is invited?"

Leon's mind replayed the conversation. "They said they were getting everybody. So that means…" Leon started counting down the previous cast member he's had the 'pleasure' of working with.

Ada, Claire, Hunnigan, Angela….oh dear God I hope Ashley's not gonna be there.

Leon gulped as the reality of the situation struck him. All his previous 'flings' gathered in one spot. If Helena found out…well, if all of them found out, this won't end well for him.

"Umm…yeah. Everybody's gonna be there," he managed his best possible smile, trying to play it cool.

At the same time, he knew he was going to be royally screwed.

Inside what seemed to be a homey-looking kitchen, with a large window that revealed the green, finely-manicured lawns of the suburbs beyond, the phone rang.

"Chris! The phone!" a woman's voice can be heard from somewhere within the kitchen, the owner out of view.

"I got it!"

Heavy footfalls thud down the corridor and a large, hulking man moves towards the phone. Reaching out a heavily-muscular arm sculpted like the Greek god Adonis himself, the man picked up the receiver.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Yes, this is Chris Redfield speaking…What? Could you repeat that please?" Chris continued; his tone grave and business-like.

Holding a plate of freshly-baked brownies in her hands, a brunette emerged from the kitchen, "The first batch's done! I'm halfway through the next…Chris?" she trailed off upon seeing a pensive look etched on Chris's features.

"Yeah, okay. They're with me right now. I'll be sure to let them know. Sounds great! We'll see you there first thing in the morning!" As soon as Chris hung up the phone, his shoulders fell a little as he let out a long, heavy sigh.

"You okay, Chris?" Jill Valentine peered at him in slight concern. "Who was it? It sounded pretty serious."

Chris rubbed his temples. "Let's talk about this in the living room."

The two made their way into the living room, equally as homey as the other parts of the house. Jill set the plate down on the coffee table and the two took a seat next to each other on the couch.

"Claire! Get down here! We've got something important to talk about!" Chris called up the stairs.

Several moments later, a woman whose auburn hair was worn in a ponytail descended the stairs. "What's up, Chris?" Claire asked cheerily, all smiles. "It's not like you to usually yell like this." She plopped down into the chair opposite Jill and Chris. Her smile dissipated somewhat upon seeing the somewhat downcast expression on her brother's face.

"Capcom just called," Chris began. "They're starting work on Resident Evil 7 and they need to cast the lead roles."

Claire's eyes widened somewhat at the news and she leaned forward, eager to hear more of what her brother had to say.

"So they're calling us in to audition for the roles."

"All of us?" Claire said with a small twinkle in her eyes.

"Yes," Chris nodded, somewhat unenthusiastically. "All three of us."

"That's great news!" Jill beamed, turning to Chris. "We've not worked together in one of the numerical installments since the first one! And no, the Resident Evil 5 DLC don't count," Jill countered upon seeing Chris throwing her a funny look.

"Ugh…I don't know. After what happened to me in six…I just don't know if I can take anymore of it," Chris sighed.

"Nonsense! We're like the two longest running veterans in the whole franchise! Can you imagine the star power that the two of us would make?! Come on, Capcom's practically begging for us to star in this new game together!" Jill exclaimed excitedly.

"If you ask me," Claire interjected, somewhat affronted, "I think they're trying to bring back some of the old cast. They did it with Sherry, and since we were both in Resident Evil Two, that means they're going to pick me next."

"Girls, calm down," Chris said, defusing the argument. "In any case, I think the only thing that could save the franchise at this point is if they made this next game into an all-star ensemble."

"An all-star ensemble…" the two women murmured simultaneously.

That means…will Leon even be there? I hope they called him up too! Claire thought, unable to contain the giddy excitement rising up in her.

"You don't seem to thrilled about the prospect," Jill looked over to Chris.

"Well, I mean…" Chris leaned back against the couch as he tried to find the right words to say, "The previous game took a lot outta me, you know. And I just feel so burned out right now."

"Come on, Chris. It's not going to end up like six again. In any case, it'll just be like Revelations, I promise! If not for yourself, then do it for me!" Jill said, leaning into Chris and resting her hands on his leg.

"It'll be a lot more fun if you were there with me, brother. It'll be just like the good ol' days. You know, just like Code: Veronica. Remember how much fun we had doing that game?" Claire chimed in.

Chris closed his eyes, mulling it over. "Capcom did say they're getting everyone together again," he sighed, finally relenting. "So if it means seeing and working together with the old gang," he shrugged, "Why the hell not, right? One more for old times' sake."

The two women let out a jubilant cry as Jill planted a kiss on his lips while Claire rounded the couch to pull her brother into a crushing hug.

Ada Wong sat at an outdoor patio at a European café somewhere, enjoying her afternoon meal. As she sipped on her cup of tea, she watched as people strolled on by. Returning her attention to the open magazine on her table, her eyes picked out a variety of spy gadgets and equipment that caught her fancy. Sure, Resident Evil Six may not be the blockbuster success that Four was, but she wasn't complaining too much about the pay. After all, it was more than enough to fund her shopping habits for quite some time. And she did recently hear that Neiman Marcus was putting a fire sale on that new, red dress that she'd been eying for quite some time. If she still couldn't afford it, well, I guess nobody would pay it much mind if the dress so happened to mysteriously disappear.

She heard the telltale ringing of her phone in her fancy leather purse (yet another one of her opulent purchases) and fished for it.

"Just where is that damn phone?" she cursed, as she continued digging through the contents of the bag until she finally found it. It was the pyramidal-shaped glass smartphone that they let her keep after they wrapped up production on Six. She did have some reservations about the design at first, but to hell with it, she remembered, the phone looked cool.

"Ada Wong speaking," she answered curtly and assumed her usual professional demeanor. "Who is this?"

She let the person on the other end of the line chatter on until she was sure he had finished. "I see. When are you scheduled to start?" The person chattered on again. "Understood. I'll be there," she nodded.

With a flick of her wrist, she snapped shut her phone and rose out of her seat. Taking one last swig from her tea, she pulled her grappling gun out of her purse and pointed it at the nearest ledge she could spot. Squeezing the trigger, the grappling hook shot out and latched on to the ledge before reeling her upwards and away from the startled crowds on the ground.

The waiter at the café even came rushing out of the store, staring skywards and angrily shaking his balled fists at her.

"Silly me. Guessed I forgot to pay for the check again," she murmured. "Oh well, duty calls."

Sometimes she wondered if she could ever get used to getting around like those normal folks down there ever again. The grappling gun was simply too much fun to ever give up.

A man sat broodingly in a darkened room, the only source of light coming from the various computer screen displays in front of him. The faint, red glow of the screens casted a ghostly and menacing silhouette over him.

"So they're starting production on Resident Evil 7 without me, it would seem," he remarked in smug and condescending tone.

"Look at those fools. So they tried producing Six without me…and looked where it got them! A lukewarm reception, polarizing reviews; the fools at Capcom are running their franchise right into the ground."

The man let out a dark, humorless chuckle. "Well then, I believe it's about time I made a reappearance and enlighten these pitiful mortals on the error of their ways."

The clicking of keyboard keys can be heard echoing in the dark, enclosed room. The display screens come to life and display a roster of various faces – all of them cast members from the previous games.

"So…they've sent out the casting calls for the lead roles, have they?"

He read through the roster, absent-mindedly mumbling out the names as he went.

"Kennedy…Birkin…Valentine….Coen…Wong…Redfield." His voice was literally seething with venom as he uttered the last name on the roster.

The man swiveled around on his chair. "Well, not if –" the chair swiveled a full 360 instead, causing him to face the screen again. He tried it again, this time successfully. He cleared his throat.

"Not if I –" the man rose from the chair and stepped into view. The slicked-back blonde hair, the trench coat, and the pair of eyes that glow malevolently behind the ubiquitous shades – there was no mistaking it.

" – ALBERT WESKER can help it."

Wesker strode towards the viewer but paused mid-step, just remembering something. He doubled back towards the array of screens and pulled up another window, this time showing the hidden camera that he implanted in the Redfields' household overlooking the kitchen.

"No, no, no! You're supposed to add in the eggs before the flour, you imbecile!"

A/N: And there you have it, the first chapter that'll set the scene for what will (hopefully) be a journey full of misadventures, mischief, toil and trouble. I've taken particular care to keep the characters consistent to their personality and traits in-game, but since this is kind of a meta-fic, I will occasionally be taking some creative liberties with the characters; but rest assure, I won't go too far out of character. And besides, since this all happens out of the game, really it's anybody's guess as to what these characters do in their downtime when they're not busy trying to survive or stop a viral outbreak.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed this as much as I had such gleeful fun writing this piece. I'm not sure if I'll update this as often, as I'll probably update this when the mood strikes me since I'm working full time on another fic.

Still, thanks for reading! =D