All I can say is jily feels are a bitch to write because they hurt soooo much.

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(Disclaimer: I am not the goddess that is J.K. Rowling but I am a Khaleesi. )


I remember the first time I slipped that white wedding dress over my head, the silk drowning against my skin, Severus' pearls sitting with pride around my neck...I knew that once I stepped into this world—stepped into it with Severus beside me—that there was no going back from that.

Until death do us part.

Marriage was a commitment; it was forever. And I knew that I had to make it my whole world and that I had a duty to it, had a part to play, to smile, to cry, and to bleed. The bleeding had always been the easiest bit, by far.

So there I stood, on my wedding day, looking back at the girl in the mirror, and I had no idea who she was.

And I still don't.

Did I want this?

I told myself that if I didn't, a million little girls would murder me to get it. I was lucky to be in this position, to have a future...to have any future ahead of me at all.

Whenever I felt like suffocating, like I couldn't cope, I always thought about Hogwarts.

Looking back, I never realised how much I would come to cherish those days and most of all, the people who had lived in them.

But...when I said those vows and looked into his brown eyes, his smile was beautiful enough for the both of us to live in, just for that one sparkling moment.

I never could forget James.

I just let him sleep away in my heart, so maybe that way I could cause Severus less pain, and supposedly myself, but I've always been very bad at lying.

And I'm even worse now.

To be honest, James was a complete broomhead when I first met him (with an emphasis on broomhead.) He made me laugh too much and cry too little, and our fights...were rather extraordinary. He was perfectly extraordinary.

And was mine.

I'm a fool, a perfectly adequate one, that's for sure. And I've learnt that breaking bits of my heart off for people can hurt quite a bit, especially when there's no more to give.

But in the end, I loved him.

Maybe if I'd been a better person or tried to be, everything wouldn't have swallowed us up so quickly but in the end, I believe that I was the best I could have been...for him.

But for myself...

L. Evans