It had started as something casual. Both of them were single and there had always been a little bit of tension when they were throwing verbal barbs at each other back in high school. But, what had started as just a romp in the sheets became more.

There was more foreplay, learning each other's bodies better than they knew their own. There were faux causal mentions of staying the night, Sebastian excusing it by saying that he would love to have a blowjob wake up call, when really he just wanted to wake up next to him. But the offer was always met with a little laugh and a roll of the eyes along with a faux casual "maybe next time."

And when next time came around, the process was simply repeated, neither of them sure where to go from the stalemate they seemed to have reached. Slowly, the phone calls and texts to "come over" at some late night hour evolved too. There were texts asking to grab lunch or see a movie. They would send the other little mentions of their day, whether they were good or bad. Sebastian would laugh at the mentions of annoying roommates and casually mention that his expensive parent-provided loft was more than big enough for two, the response was always a joke about how Sebastian wouldn't be able to have his late night hook-ups anymore and the subject dropped.

Sebastian didn't realize what was happening until it hit him one day when he saw an incredible scarf that he thought would match his eyes perfectly, and without a second thought, went and bought it to give as a random gift. As he walked out of the store, pulling the scarf from the bag it was in and running the fabric through his fingers he was struck with the fact that this was becoming something more than causal- it was becoming something more than a roll in the hay, it was evolving into an actual togetherness that Sebastian had run from since the first time he was burned.

He had learned early that it wasn't worth it, had seen more relationships crash and burn than anyone needed to witness. Sebastian was scared as he unlocked the door to his loft, still rubbing the perfectly colored scarf into his fingertips. He took a shaky breath- in and out- and leaned against his now closed door, staring at the scarf in his hands and trying for the life of him to figure out what all of this meant.

Slowly, he felt himself harden to the thoughts of perfect days spent with him, laughing and talking as they did now, teasing each other in a way that was playful rather than hurtful. He couldn't do this, he wouldn't do this.

He refused.

He knew how these things turned out, had seen it happen to his family, his friends and on one occasion to himself. He had made it his mission to keep himself safe from that pain from then on- and so far he had done an outstanding job of getting what he needed without getting involved. That wasn't going to change now. So, with one final deep breath- in and out- he placed the scarf roughly back into its bag, stalking over to his bedroom closet and throwing the bag onto the high shelf above his nicer suits that he rarely wore. He slammed the door shut on the scarf and on the feelings he had decided to ignore- hoping that trapping them would stifle them enough to make them disappear.

Sebastian refuted the feelings easily, making himself feel angry instead, hardening himself to the vulnerability he had shown. The first texts were easy enough to ignore, deleting them without even reading their context. The phone calls were at first ignored, until they became increasingly constant and finally Sebastian answered after the fourth call in fifteen minutes, telling himself it was just to get the phone to stop ringing rather than just wanting to hear the voice on the other end of the line.

The conversation was stilted and Sebastian blew off the other boy's worry by making a scathing comment that he knew would hurt even before he said it. He heard the sharp gasp after the comment, and the guilt sat low in his stomach as he tried to ignore it. The boy's voice was soft and hurt when he asked the deciding question about why Sebastian had been ignoring him.

Sebastian laughed and it sounded cruel even to his own ears, but yet he didn't stop himself from saying that he had just been busy and why did he have to spend time with him anyway, didn't he have other friends? And before he could stop himself, Sebastian continued, "Don't you have other people to fuck? I sure do."

It was a lie: he hadn't done anything of the sort since the last time they were together. A choked off noise came from his cell phone and suddenly the boy's voice was different- no longer hurt or vulnerable but instead hard and distant as Sebastian assumed his own had sounded throughout the entire conversation. The boy snapped back a tirade of why it was good he never took anything Sebastian said seriously and why it was a blessing he never gave in to sleeping over and why he was thankful he never took Sebastian up on the offer to move in together because obviously that would have been a huge mistake.

Suddenly, the boy's voice went from angry and distant to deadly calm and something clutched at Sebastian's heart because he didn't want him to act like this- to feel like this- but Sebastian couldn't fix him without endangering himself and he just wasn't willing to be broken again. The boy on the other line then thanked him for teaching him to know better than to put much faith in a man that obviously can't change.

Sebastian heard the boy take deep breath- in and out- before correcting his statement, "No, not can't change- won't."

Then the line went dead.

Sebastian felt sick, his stomach was a mess of twisting knots and his heart felt like it was being gripped by a pair of pliers. His head was a jumbled mess of what the other boy meant. Of course he wouldn't change- even if he did the outcome would be the same. Sebastian sighed, knowing he had lied again, this time to himself. He had seen relationships work before, one's that lasted or even ended in amicable friendship. His sister was engaged to be married to her boyfriend of eight years and they still hadn't tired of each other. Even his relationship with Mr. Sexonastickandsingslikeadream had eventually ended in few tears and promises to stay friends that were actually kept.

But for all of the relationships Sebastian had seen succeed, he had seen one fail too. His parents, who had been the "perfect couple" to everyone they knew, now lived on separate continents. There had never been a reason for their divorce- no one had lied or cheated- they had simply fallen out of love. Sebastian himself had been the one that had been lied to and cheated on- the one time he had given this whole "love" thing a chance. A boy named Oliver, fresh faced and fifteen, ever dashing with a light French accent and a charming personality, Sebastian, being newly fifteen himself and new to France itself, had swooned in seconds.

Their relationship was also dubbed "perfect" by all their posh private school peers. Sebastian thought he would be one of those lucky people that found their soul mate in high school and stayed together forever. Until the day Oliver had told him not to bother him because he was studying for a big test, something he had been doing quite a lot lately, and Sebastian decided to bring him coffee and one of those dark chocolate scones he liked so much.

Sebastian had walked right into Oliver's dorm room, already chiding him for never locking his door, when he caught sight of his boyfriend lying naked on his bed with someone else on top of him- a someone who was distinctly female- riding him like there was no tomorrow. The girl had been apologetic and bashful, obviously completely unaware that Sebastian was much more than Oliver's friend. She had grabbed her clothing and quickly yet politely excused herself into the bathroom attached to the room. Oliver had jumped up and quickly pulled on pants before rushing over to Sebastian, already trying to explain and begging for forgiveness and saying that he was "just curious and it wouldn't happen again." Sebastian had shaken himself out of his shock and hurt and said with a voice of finality that he knew it wouldn't happen again because they were done. The rest was a blur. Oliver had yelled and screamed that Sebastian couldn't break up with him and Sebastian had stood his ground. Eventually, Sebastian realized standing there and yelling wasn't doing anything but making his voice hoarse so he turned tail and began to walk from the room.

That was where the memory became stunningly clear. Oliver had grabbed Sebastian by the wrist, pulling him back into the room and pushing his back into the wall- hard. Oliver had crammed himself into Sebastian's space, growling menacingly at him, telling him that they were not breaking up. Sebastian had fought the grip, yelling at Oliver to get away from him. In the end, the girl who had started this whole thing was the one who saved him- rushing out of the bathroom door and screaming at Oliver that she would call school security.

The girl had left with Sebastian, apologizing profusely and promising that she hadn't known. Sebastian believed her. She had forced him to go to the nurse and stayed with him when they told him his wrist had a minor sprain. Then he had cried and this girl, Megan, she had told him on the way, had hugged him and known the best thing to say was to say nothing. Sebastian had decided to home school himself after that and during the day he studied and at night he went out to clubs. He closed himself off to the men he met, only using them for his carnal needs and then disposing of them. At the end of summer he decided to move back to the U.S. and live with his father in Ohio, wanting to get as far away from the memories of France that still haunted him.

Little did he know, Ohio is where he would meet him when he wasn't even looking.

Sebastian growled in frustration, banishing the thoughts running through his mind. He couldn't go there. He didn't want to end up hurt again. Huffing out a sigh, Sebastian tossed his phone down on his bed, before falling onto it himself and hiding amongst the warm blankets, wishing for the warmth of him instead. Sebastian went through the motions of going to his classes and going to work and going home and staying there all night every night. He had no interest in finding someone to spend the night with; he only wanted the one person he refused to let himself have.

Three months went by in a flash of too hot days spent in too cold classrooms and nights spent watching nothing on TV and going to bed early. It was snowing in New York, a blanket of white making everyone cheery, except Sebastian. The snow did nothing but give him a cold- making him look like Rudolph for a week.

He wondered idly if he was enjoying the city like this, knowing he would be smiling at the way the lights looked reflected off the snow and how excited he would be about Christmas shopping. He wondered what he would look like walking around Central Park right now, looking like he stepped out of a Winter Wonderland himself with his sparkling blue eyes. He let himself imagine warm coffee and ice skating, laughing at themselves as the fell again and again but not caring a bit. He imagined cuddling close and watching some silly Christmas Special, watching him rather than the show. He sighed and told himself to forget already. But he knew it was in vain.

He was coming home from his work Christmas Party when it happened.

He had decided to go since he actually really wanted an actual writing job on the paper, rather than just being an errand boy and usually people remember you if you're nice to them, or so he's heard. So he had dressed up in one of his nicer suits hiding in the back of his closet and called a very angry cab driver who complained the whole way about having to work on Christmas Eve.

He had spent three hours making small talk and thanking god that he was a good eavesdropper since it made it easier for him to look like he cared about his boss' sick basset hound and he knew better than to mention Gary from Sports to Phoebe from Fashion, unlike the other errand boy who had been officially fired last week for that very mistake. He had smiled and bid his good nights and happy holidays before sweeping out of the room and into a somewhat more pleasant waiting cab.

Smile vanishing, shoulders slumping and aching loneliness rushing in the moment the cab moved into traffic. The ride had taken twenty minutes too long and when he reached his door he almost didn't notice the package sitting in front of it. Cocking his head to the side in question, he knew his family and friends wouldn't send him presents to his loft, he was going to see them all in the middle of January for his sister's engagement party and they would exchange Christmas gifts then.

He looked at the box propped up against his door; the gold wrapping paper was shining in a way that made it look classy rather than garish, the green bow tied around it matching perfectly somehow despite its evergreen hue. Sebastian picked it up carefully, as he mockingly wondered if anyone hated him enough to leave a bomb disguised as a Christmas present. He laughed without humor and shook the box, something inside shifted around a bit but no beeping was to be heard. He maneuvered the box under his arm and unlocked his door, shrugging out of his coat as he shut the door behind him, toeing of his shoes at the same time. Taking the present with him he placed it on the kitchen island as he made himself a cup of coffee, staring at it every so often as if he thought it was going to disappear if he didn't keep an eye on it.

Once his coffee was made, he sat down on the stool in front of the island, picking up the present and turning it in his hands. After assuring himself that the box meant him no harm, he untied the bow and carefully pulled apart the wrapping paper more because he didn't want to clean up the mess of paper scraps if he tore it to pieces rather than for the livelihood of the paper.

Underneath was a simple and very anticlimactic white box.

Sebastian shrugged at it, taking a sip of his too hot coffee and using a word his mother would hit him for when he burnt his tongue, and he opened the lid. Inside lay a handsome leather bound notebook that Sebastian would give his left hand (not so coincidentally his writing hand) to have. Staring at the notebook in awe, Sebastian recalls a memory, now vague with months of distance between the then and the now. Sitting outside a café in slightly too cold weather, the leaves on the trees just starting to change colors, a boy with pale skin and ice blue eyes smiling at him as he waxes poetic about the beauty and superiority of lather bound notebooks like the very one in front of him now. He remembers his companion teasing him about his love for leather notebooks when he didn't even own one. His response had been a joking, "Well you can buy me one for Christmas."

Joking or not, he knows who the gift is from, even before he sees the small envelope sticking out of the notebook, he just knows. He takes a deep- all be it shaky breath- in and out- and picks up the envelope. He is expecting a Christmas card, maybe even a photo collage of him and that mini Barbara Streisand roommate of his posing behind a mismatched Christmas tree and a menorah with some cheesy made up word across the top: Happy Chrismukkah!

But instead there is a simple slip of cardstock inside with a short inscription in handwriting his wishes wasn't still so familiar:

I bought this months ago for you when it caught my eye in some store Rachel dragged me into looking for something for Brody. I hope you like it. Goodbye Sebastian.

Merry Christmas

Sebastian can't even read the signed name at the bottom of the card. He just keeps reading the last line, swallowing what feels like molasses each time.

Goodbye Sebastian. Goodbye Sebastian. Goodbye Sebastian.

It mocks him each time he reads it- knowing exactly what it means for him to say goodbye to someone like that. It means he has officially and intentionally completely given up. But all Sebastian can think is that he didn't say it to him when they talked on the phone that one fateful day. He had parted with a scathing- however truthful- remark and a click.

No goodbye.

And Sebastian understands that means he spent the last 3 months hoping for a call back or a text or a random serenade in the middle of Vogue's offices. Sebastian understands that he spent the last 3 months holding out a second chance for Sebastian and waiting for him to take it. Sebastian also understands that he didn't take that chance- or any other chances for that matter- and that this card is the last contact he will receive from him. Ever. That sits heavy and horrible- like a block of cement in the bottom of his stomach as he pulls the notebook out of its box. It's perfect. Exactly what Sebastian had pictured in his mind. The leather is that perfect shade of brown, the feeling not too buttery and not too rough, and the simple design around the edges make it look dignified rather than cutesy. The leather doesn't make a sound as he opens the notebook, the paper inside is the perfect texture and just the right shade of chartreuse to compliment the brown leather and add an aged look to the notebook.

Sebastian takes a deep breath- in and out. He sets the notebook down on the island and takes his now cold coffee to the sink, pulling off his suit as he makes his way to his room. He tosses his tie over the desk chair, the suit jacket is thrown with a bit too much force into the closet, but Sebastian resolutely ignores the resounding crash deciding to leave the mess till morning, the dress shirt and pants land in a puddle at the edge of the too large too empty bed and with the too short too empty letter in his hand, Sebastian lays down, ignoring the hot tears dripping onto his pillow until he falls asleep.

The next morning is awful. His eyes are red and puffy, the apartment is freezing from forgetting to turn the heat on and the news announces that there was 6 inches of fresh snowfall last night, which is making traffic even more hellish than normal- not that Sebastian has anywhere to go. He knows he could have flown to Ohio to spend Christmas with his dad at least but the new wife keeps trying to mother Sebastian and he can't handle it for more than 3 days without losing his parent approved manners and he doesn't want to deal with his father's "polite questions" about whether journalism is really working out for him and if he's put any more thought into law.

Waiting until both his mom and sister will be there to glare at his father if he tries anything is a much better plan for Sebastian's sanity. So instead he wraps his comforter around himself and patters around the kitchen making coffee after turning the heat up almost full blast. He's just starting to be able to feel his fingers when he catches sight of the notebook sitting harmlessly on the island.

He takes a deep breath- in and out- and turns to pour his coffee into the waiting mug. Grabbing a quick bowl of cereal, he sits down in front of the notebook and glares.

5 minutes and an empty bowl later, the notebook hasn't glared back and Sebastian's starting to get a headache.

He sighs and his shoulders slump. He sips his coffee, humming contently when it's the perfect balance between warm but not hot and opens the notebook to the first page. Then Sebastian sees it.

Right behind the front cover of the notebook, where the front page should be, there is a frayed strip of paper stuck in the binding- like the first page was torn out. Sebastian tilts his head in surprise, smiling at the comment he hears his sister make in his head about this being his "confused puppy look."

Then suddenly it hits him. He wrote something on the first page and then decided against it and tore it out- probably assuming or at least hoping Sebastian wouldn't notice it. And Sebastian just has to know what that enigmatic first page said. Finishing his coffee in two large gulps, Sebastian rushes to his room, tossing the comforter on the bed before turning into the closet. He guiltily surveys the damage his precarious suit jacket did, a few things from the top shelf above his nicer suits are now littered over the floor.

Sighing, Sebastian bends down to pick everything up. Sebastian tosses a duffel bag, old text book, a shoe box full of pictures that were scattered over the floor back up into their rightful places and reaches unassumingly for the last thing laying on the floor- a small shiny black bag with a random store name imprinted on the front. Sebastian grabs it by the side, underestimating the weight of the item inside, and out tumbles a forgotten scarf in the perfect shade of blue.

Sebastian's breath catches in his throat. He stares at the scarf pooling on the floor, the shiny black bag now forgotten in his hand. He doesn't know hold long he stood there until suddenly his doorbell chimes. He quickly throws on jeans and a gray sweater that were lying over the top drawer of his dresser, leaving the black bag and scarf on the floor of his closet as he quickly makes his way to the door, tripping over his comforter where it hangs of the edge of his bed.

The doorbell chimes again. And again. And yet again.

Sebastian glares at the door, assuming its some girl scout trying to sell Christmas cookies, or his elderly lady neighbor asking to borrow a cup of milk again, and repeatedly telling his stomach to stop fluttering because there is no way it's who those damn butterflies think it is. And he's right. It isn't him.

Instead, there is a very small, very vibrantly dressed brunette standing in front of him tapping her foot like he's wasting her time. "Well it took you long enough." She says in a huff, inviting herself in. Sebastian shuts the door and turns around, to find his new visitor is standing in front of him with her hands on her hips and a very irritable look on her face.

"Well?" She asks, her voice sounding as irritated as her facial expression.

"What can I do for you Miss Berry, you just barged into my apartment on Christmas and are apparently expecting something of me- if its holiday cheer or a Jewish Christmas carol then you're shit out of luck my dear- try me next year." Sebastian responds, his voice dripping with mock cheerfulness.

Rachel rolls her eyes. "No, I'm here to make sure you pull your head out of your ass before I get on a plane in 2 hours and my best friend is sad and alone on Christmas." She explains as she paces around the loft before falling dramatically onto the chaise Sebastian's mom made him buy to "complete the room."

"Why are you leaving him alone on Christmas then?" Sebastian ponders, an awful feeling settling in his stomach at the thought of him being alone in a giant loft in Bushwick on Christmas.

"I'm going home for the holiday, I was supposed to leave 2 days ago but I found out about an audition I just had to go on and obviously I got a call back so I had to leave later than planned." Rachel explains, leaning back in the chaise.

"Why isn't he going home for the holidays?" Sebastian presses, needing to know if he is the reason. "Don't worry, it had nothing to do with you. He got promoted at Vogue and his first big job was to pull of this Charity Fashion Show all on his own. He's spent the last 3 months slaving over it and its scheduled to happen on New Year's Eve, they turned it into this sort of fashion show New Year's Eve party thing that all the proceeds raised all night go to some special charity I guess- Dress for Success I think? Something like that, anyway, he's planning all the last minute details so he can't go home. So, Burt, Carole and Finn came up last weekend and they did Christmas a little early. But tonight he is going to be all alone in our huge apartment, on Christmas, all because you're an idiot." Rachel rushes out, only stopping once for air before turning from her spot on the chaise to glare at Sebastian who is still standing near the front door.

"Oh of course, I'm to blame for this." Sebastian huffs, glaring right back at Rachel.

"Well of course you are, he was happy with you and I thought it was doomed but somehow you managed to work. You push where he pulls and vice versa but yet you even each other out somehow. And then just when everything was starting to really become something you went and freaked out and ran away." Rachel accuses, throwing her arms up dramatically before landing them in her lap, still leaning back on the chaise like she lives here.

"Did not." Sebastian mutters pitifully.

"Oh come on you know damn well I'm right, or else you would have a better argument than that."

"Maybe I just don't care anymore, did you think about that?" Sebastian says in a condescending tone.

"Actually I did, but after asking a few of the NYADA boys that play for your team and frequent the gay bars if they'd seen you I had my answer. Plus the fact that your eyes are pink and puffy and that you haven't thrown me out yet pretty much make me absolutely sure I'm right." Rachel responds her tone superior and just as condescending as Sebastian's.

And all Sebastian can do is glare.

And Rachel merely glares back.

Sebastian cracks, "He gave me a present."

"I know."

"Of course you do."

"I delivered it."

"What? Why?"

"Because he is freakishly obsessed with this event going perfectly and barely eats without me forcing him to, then again it was like that for about a week after you stopped talking to him too."

Sebastian feels like he's been punched in the gut, "He wasn't eating?"

"Of course he ate, I made him, but he just wanted to lay in bed all day in that ratty sweatshirt you left at our place and watch sad movies."

"How long did that last?" He asks worriedly.

"A week exactly, we have a rule about that. No wallowing after a week."

"Of course you do."

"It's a good rule." Rachel says defensively.

"I'm surprised you even delivered it."

"I was too, but it seemed so important to him that you get it, what's the big deal anyway? I mean I know you're a writer but what's so special about a leather bound notebook?"

"Don't get me started. It's just a thing for me and he knew about it and I can't believe he didn't burn it or something."

"Would you?" Rachel asks.

"What do you mean?"

"If you had something that you bought for someone you cared about as much as you two were starting to figure out you did, would you be able to get rid of it?"

Sebastian thinks about the perfect blue scarf laying messily on the floor in his closet, thinks about why he didn't just throw it away when he got home with it and decided none of this was worth the pain he expected. Why didn't he return it or burn it? Why did he put it in the back of his closet above his nicer suits he rarely wore next to the box of old photographs he treasured but rarely took out and he realized Rachel was right.

"Now do you get it?" Rachel asked him, her voice quiet as she stood from her lounging position on the chaise.

"Yeah I got it, but now what? He probably hates me." Sebastian asked, his voice fearful.

"You have to figure that one out- trust me, my advice in this area would lead to an emotional theatrical serenade at his party which would be a few days too late and would probably actually make him hate you." Rachel says with a small self-patronizing laugh as she pats Sebastian's arm, heading towards the door.

"Here" She says, pulling something black and glossy out of her bag.

"What is it?"

"A ticket to the party. He gave me one before I decided to go home for the holidays and he never asked for it back. I already called and put your name on the list of people invited and your last name has them flipping to get you on the guest list anyway, why is that?"

"My mom is from Paris, my grandmamma has a big fashion house there. You do the math." Sebastian says with an eye roll.

"Gotcha. Okay so the event is black tie and if you want any chance in hell to get him to even speak to you- you better dress well." Rachel says, her tone serious.

"Yeah I know that but his party is on New Year's Eve, tonight is Christmas and he is going to be all alone in your guys' giant loft. That can't happen." Sebastian says resolutely.

"All this New Year's Eve stuff is a back-up plan in case you do something stupid tonight or chicken out. And if not, then you can go to the party with him because you have a ticket since they're all sold out by now. So you're welcome." Rachel said with a nod and a smile.

"Wait but what do I do about tonight? I can't just show up with a bouquet of cliché flowers and an apologetic smile, now can I? And overly emotional serenades are off the table because they are not my thing and they would probably just get me slapped anyway. Plus I'm sure your neighbors complain enough about you singing. So what do I do?" Sebastian says, desperation creeping into his voice at the end.

"I don't know Sebastian. All I know is that he is going to be sitting at home tonight, probably eating fettuccine by himself, listening to Christmas carols and thinking about you. And he will be assuming you're out doing what you lied to him about doing. So, do you want to know my advice?" Rachel says softly.

Sebastian's heart drops into his stomach as Rachel paints the scene for him, he can see him sitting there alone and he can imagine all the things he could be thinking Sebastian's out doing.

So he nods.

"Try being honest. And I know that sounds like cheesy advice but I mean be so honest that it scares you. Let yourself be vulnerable if only for a few minutes. Just so that you give him enough proof to believe that you are the man he thought you were and the man you try so hard not to be because it's a lot scarier to put yourself in someone else's hands- but I think for you two it might just be worth it." Rachel tells him with such sincerity Sebastian's reminded of a girl in Paris who apologized for something that wasn't her fault and stayed silent and hugged him when he needed it the most.

"Thank you Rachel." She nods and opens the door, turning to look at him with a small smile and with a soft, "good luck" she's gone.

Sebastian continues to stare at the closed door, the glossy texture of the invitation making the sweat on his palms obvious, as he replays the bizarre conversation in his head.

"Never thought I'd see the day that Rachel Berry barged into my apartment and told me to go for her best friend." Sebastian muttered to his empty apartment, shaking his head and turning away from the door. Walking towards his room, he headed back into his closet, taking a deep breath- in and out- as he stared at the scarf in a puddle on his floor and Sebastian realized that he didn't know what to do.

Not a clue. This was never the plan- he had vowed to never deal with the whole business of love and commitment ever again, so now that he was stuck in this limbo between staying in his comfortable albeit lonely existence or taking a fighting chance at a man that was everything he thought he never wanted- taking into account that he could still fail and end up alone anyway- it was all pretty unnerving to think about let alone know what to do about it. And he only had a few hours to decide what to do and execute it.

"Shit."

Sebastian ended up on the floor of his closet, leaning against the wall, holding the invitation Rachel gave him in one hand and he edge of the scarf in the other, mindlessly caressing the fabric as he thought.

"Well I could- no."

"Maybe if I call Jeff- no."

"Well the hobbit dated him, he might- hell no."

Sebastian mulled over every romantic comedy he had seen, which were admittedly few and far between, and hated every idea that he got from them.

"Movies are fucking cliché." He muttered to himself as he leaned his head on the wall behind him with a soft thump. Sebastian doesn't know how long he sits there, thinking about what to do or even if he should do anything. He goes back and forth between grand romantic gestures and small intimate ones and he tries to talk himself out of doing anything more times than he can count.

But each time he gets close to deciding to remain in his desolate existence, his eyes catch on that goddamn scarf and he just knows that he can't leave things this way, that no matter how this ends- he has to do something. Not to would be cowardly, and Sebastian could be called many things but a coward will never be one of them. He tries to think of what Kurt would like him to do but everything he thinks of seems too much like a show and Sebastian knows Kurt won't believe he's being honest.

And there's that word again, honest. Rachel's advice replays in Sebastian's head again and again, "Be so honest that it scares you." Sebastian wants to scoff, he's Sebastian Smythe and he isn't scared of anything, but he knows that Rachel hit the proverbial nail on the head with that statement.

Because even if big bad Sebastian Smythe isn't scared of anything, maybe this should scare him. And it's with that thought that he picks himself up off the floor, pushes the scarf into a Christmas themed gift bag Phoebe from Fashion had given him with a nice, if slightly generic, coffee mug stuffed inside with too much tissue paper, and makes his way back to the kitchen island to grab his newly acquired leather notebook. Stopping only to put on his coat, shoes and stuffing his notebook into his messenger bag, he rushes out the door.

Sebastian is sure the elevator ride takes twice as long as it normally does and then he is finally out on the empty street, breathing in harsh snow cold air- in and out- he sets off with the sun beginning to set behind him. He is lucky enough to pass a small florist shop that is actually open and the lady behind the counter merely smiles at his odd request and complies, wishing him a Merry Christmas as he bolts out the door, calling back the pleasantry with a kind smile.

The subway ride is long and nerve wracking and Sebastian has to keep stopping himself from getting up and getting off and heading right back the way he came, flowers and Christmas be damned, but each time he almost gets up, Rachel's words stop him- "I think for you two it might just be worth it" and he just can't manage to get through those doors. So instead he pulls out a pen and a messy NYU notebook and begins to write, trying to make his hand write as fast as his mind can think and ending up with words in the wrong places and little scratched out marks, hoping that this will be vulnerable enough.

All too soon for his knotted gut, he is a million stops from his cozy warm loft, walking through too high snow on a too quiet for New York day or almost evening now towards a rundown building with old fashioned fire escapes and big dirty windows. He walks up the four flights of stairs slowly, a sinking feeling in his chest until finally he is standing at the door, nothing but a short knock away from whatever this will turn out to be. He lifts a shaking hand to the old metal door and raps on it three times in quick succession and then holds his breath as he waits for an answer.

Suddenly, the door is sliding across its track with an audible metallic thrum and Sebastian hears his voice again for the first time in too many months.

"I'm sorry Ms. Conlin we don't have any…Sebastian?" Sebastian can finally see his eyes and all at once he can breathe again.

"Kurt." He says it like it's the best word he's ever tasted, like it's the only word he ever wants to say.

"What the hell are you doing here Sebastian? Aren't there gay clubs full of needy sacrilegious boys waiting for you to arrive?" Kurt's arms are crossed, one eyebrow raised in judgment. He doesn't look happy and Sebastian suddenly questions whether he should have come at all.

"You're an atheist, Kurt." Sebastian returns with a raised eyebrow of his own.

"Oh shut up, you know what I meant. You still haven't answered my question."

"Which one?"

Kurt rolls his eyes before responding, "Either, both, I don't care."

"No there aren't gay clubs full of needy heretical boys awaiting my arrival."

"You don't sound disappointed."

"I'm not, I haven't been to a club since we went in February and you got wasted and talked about Blainderson." Sebastian retorts, leaving out the part that Sebastian took Kurt home with him in order to avoid an angry Rachel and Kurt fell asleep curled up next to Sebastian in his bed after planting a very unexpected good night kiss on his mouth.

Their first kiss.

But Kurt remembers, if the blush spreading from his cheeks to his neck is any indication.

"Then how, pray tell, have you been finding your- what do you call them? Oh that's right, fuck buddies?" Kurt says the last part with as much malice as he can muster and Sebastian almost feels like he's been slapped, the fire in Kurt's eyes telling him to leave but he's come this far, he might as well keep pushing.

"I haven't slept with anyone since you."

"Liar."

"Nope, not this time. I did lie on the phone though. It was easier."

"Easier than what!?" Kurt looks like he's about to lose it and Sebastian is still running off adrenaline and blind hope.

So he leaps.

"Easier than admitting that…" Sebastian stops and pulls out a messy piece of paper from his pocket, covered in scratched out words and messy pen smears, looking down at the paper rather than at the boy in front of him.

"That I listened to every word you said and story you told and stored them away like they were my memories to keep. That I made it a point to delete every random guy's number from my phone because I didn't need them anymore, that I imagined unfulfilled memories of things we would do together, that I planned out time to see you when I honestly didn't have the time, that I cared when you were sick to be there and watch horrible musicals with you, that I wanted to know your body better than I know my own, that I wanted to mold myself into someone who was worthy of you, that I wanted to watch you sing at that silly NYADA haunt and I wanted to take you to a crazy elite fashion show for your birthday and not even mock the clothes-" Sebastian stops at Kurt's sarcastic snort, before continuing with a small smirk, "at least not in front of you, that I wanted to meet your crazy overprotective family and make a good impression, that I wanted to let you meet my family and watch you worry about making a bad impression, it was easier to lie, Kurt, it was easier than admitting that I was afraid, so terribly ridiculously afraid that this wouldn't work, that it would just end up another mess I would have to clean up alone, putting myself back together as best I could, and I wasn't sure I could handle it. I didn't want to try. I didn't want to risk it."

Sebastian stops to breathe, still staring at the marred paper in front of him rather than the boy in the doorway.

"Then what changed, why are you on my doorstep on Christmas telling me this?" Kurt's voice is shaking and Sebastian doesn't know whether to take that as a good sign or a bad one so he just starts talking again, hoping to cover the sound of his loudly thumping heart with his words. "I started ignoring you because of a scarf I bought for you for absolutely no reason and it scared me just how much I cared, and I found it this morning and I couldn't get it out of my head. Plus a lovely visit from your very dramatic little roommate I got this morning as well," Sebastian hears Kurt huff out a put upon sigh and revels in the fact that he knows just what Kurt is thinking by the small sounds he makes.

Sebastian reaches into his bag and grabs out the leather bound notebook and continues, "But it was this really that lead me here. Because you told me everything about you and Blaine and you told me what saying goodbye meant then and how even without that relationship the meaning held true for you. Saying goodbye was the final straw and you wrote it on this tiny piece of paper and I couldn't take it. I understood way too late that you never said it before, that you spent three months waiting for me to figure it out and I never did, and I am so very sorry that I was so dense, but seeing that word made me know that I couldn't handle never hearing you laugh or seeing you roll your eyes at me in mock annoyance, I couldn't handle the idea of not being a part of your life, Kurt, and I couldn't handle the idea of you not being a part of mine."

Sebastian finally looks up and Kurt is standing in front of him, crying. And Sebastian knows he must have done something wrong because why would Kurt cry if he just heard the things he had been waiting 3 months to hear?

He turns to leave, but a hand it suddenly at his elbow pulling him back around and Kurt is glaring at him with real annoyance and now Sebastian is just really confused.

"So after all that you were going to turn tail and walk away?" Kurt huffs out, wiping his eyes.

"You're fucking crying! I made you cry- that's bad!" Sebastian says, pointing at Kurt's tear stained face as if to prove his point.

"Not always stupid, it just means I am overcome with emotion. God you're a mess." Kurt rolls his eyes in mock annoyance and Sebastian actually cracks a small smile.

"So, what does all that mean now Bas?" Kurt asks in a small voice.

"It means that I came all the way over here despite snowy weather and a long subway ride. I means that I got flowers which is silly and I asked the florist to wrap it in newspaper since you think it smells better that way, which is just plain odd, and it means that I got you a Christmas present 3 months early." Sebastian says while passing Kurt the Christmas themed gift bag. Kurt smiles and pulls out the scarf, his jaw dropping just the right amount that Sebastian knows he is honestly wowed by his gift rather than just faking it for Sebastian's sake.

"It's the perfect shade of blue."

"I know."

"Thank you Bas."

"Thank you Kurt." Sebastian responds, raising the leather bound notebook so Kurt knew what he was thanking him for.

"Am I allowed to come in now? Because Rachel was sure you would be making Christmas fettuccine and I am hungry." Sebastian says with a joking smile on his face that only grows when Kurt rolls his eyes. Kurt turns back into the apartment and Sebastian moves to follow but Kurt turns back around right as Sebastian gets under the threshold and looks him right in the eye before speaking, "I need you to spell it out for me Sebastian, I need you to just tell me flat out, what are you so afraid of?"

Kurt looks almost like he didn't want to ask, he's biting on the corner of his bottom lip and shifting his feet and Sebastian knows now exactly what Rachel meant about needing to be vulnerable for a minute and let Kurt have this intimate piece of him- he needed to put himself in Kurt's hand's and trust him to keep him safe there.

So he does.

"I am afraid that I have fallen completely in love with you Kurt Hummel and I am just as afraid that I don't want to stop."

"Good." Is all the answer he receives before suddenly there are lips on his and all at once they are kissing and Sebastian never wants to stop. However, after a while the need for air becomes too hard to ignore and they part with panted breaths and private smiles.

"Mistletoe." Kurt says with a small mischievous grin as he looks just above Sebastian's head. Sebastian follows Kurt's line of vision and sure enough there is a sprig of pointy green leaves spotted with little red berries hung by a thick gold ribbon directly above where Sebastian is standing.

"Convenient, that you stopped me right here, huh?" Sebastian questions with a teasing lilt.

"Very convenient indeed." Kurt answers back with a smirk before pulling Sebastian the rest of the way into the apartment and closing the door behind them, the metallic click of the lock shutting them into their own little world.

"Fettuccine time?" Sebastian asks, bouncing just slightly on the balls of his feet as he follows Kurt towards the kitchen.

"Yes, Sebastian I will feed you now."

"Thank you, that is much appreciated." Sebastian responds before nudging Kurt to lean back against the counter so he could kiss him again. They break away after more than a few minutes, both catching their breath.

"I can't cook if you are going to do that." Kurt says, still breathless.

Sebastian smirks, "Why? Am I distracting you?" he says while running his hands up Kurt's sides.

"Yes, now go find a Christmas movie on TV and leave me be." Kurt says, pointing to the living room.

Sebastian opens his mouth to argue but Kurt talks over him, "Or no fettuccine for you." He threatens with a silly smile that lets Sebastian know he doesn't really mean it but he goes and sits on the sofa anyway, perusing the channels and looking for a Christmas movie he hasn't seen a million times and isn't just too cheesy. By the time he can hear Kurt whisking alfredo sauce, he has gone through the channels twice and has finally just put on one of the music channels that plays Christmas music and let it be.

"Nothing good on?" Kurt questions from the kitchen

"Nope, it's all the ones I've either seen a million times or never seen at all and have no desire to ever sit through." Sebastian responds critically

"Wow, not a big fan of Christmas movies, I am appalled." Kurt says as he sits down next to Sebastian on the sofa, handing him a bowl of fettuccine as he does.

"You'll live. So I hear you are putting together a crazy fashion show." Sebastian says, enjoying the confused face Kurt makes until it dawns on him.

"Rachel?"

"Rachel." Sebastian confirms

"What did she do?"

"Nothing awful. Barged into my apartment after nefariously abusing my doorbell and told me to get my head out of my ass immediately while lounging in my apartment like it was her own and then disappearing in a cloud of sweet perfume and rainbow colors once she was finished." Kurt laughs and Sabastian feels accomplished.

"The worst part about what you just said is that I completely believe it to be possible with Rachel."

"She sure is something."

"She wasn't mean to you though right?" Kurt asks, looking worried

"No, she was direct, granted but she was nice about it. Although I am still in shock that she wasn't doing a happy dance and bad mouthing me the moment I stopped calling you." Sebastian says a little perplexed

"Yeah I was too, she said she couldn't explain it, she was sure we were going to crash and burn but somehow we just worked. You pushed where I pulled I think were her exact words." Kurt tells him, smiling fondly at the antics of his best friend.

"She told me the same exact thing. It does make sense, doesn't it?" Sebastian responds

"Yeah, it does. But who would have thought it would take Rachel Berry to see it before we did?" Kurt laughingly questions. Sebastian laughs back and they settle into each other, curled up on a mismatched sofa in a too big loft all the way out in Bushwick eating fettuccine and talking about everything and nothing all at the same time. And as Kurt laughingly swipes a stray bit of sauce from the corner of Sebastian's mouth, he looks up at him and quietly says,

"Just so you know, I'm just as afraid that I have fallen utterly in love with you Sebastian and I am even more afraid that I never want to stop."

"Good." Sebastian says with a grateful smile as he leans in and tries to kiss Kurt while smiling, which leads to more laughing than kissing but there will be more time for that later.

Now they have all the time in the world.

And with that thought, Sebastian can finally breathe again-in and out.

FIN