Welcome to the Viewathon! Basically its a recap of each episode, but with commentary and dissection. Not the kind with frogs, but examining each episode and looking for clues.

Disclaimer: This story is a spoof. I created it because I have an unhealthy obsession with TW. All characters belong to Jeff Davis. Also please keep in mind that I am a guy.

Teen Wolf Season Three Viewathon

Tattoo

(Wakes up) Wooo! Teen Wolf Marathon today!

What actually happened…

Cailin: Hey, I missed the bus. Can you give me a ride to school? I'll buy you breakfast.

Me: Ughhhhh.

Later: (Sitting in the drive thru)

Me: Do you really need to go to school?

Cailin: No.

Me: Wanna stay home and watch the Teen Wolf Marathon.

Cailin: Yes.

And so we did. And she got busted for it. And grounded for two weeks. Nothing happened to me though. I'm the good child. Soooo.

Previously, on Teen Wolf…

Scott: You can't just go around turning people into Werewolves.

Me: Well of course you can Scott. Derek already did it. You should have told him before he went around biting every socially awkward teen he could find.

Allison: Scott, I'm trying to break up with you.

Scott: It's okay.

Me: No it's not! How is that okay?!

Derek: It's their symbol.

Peter: An Alpha pack.

Me: Oh Peter, what are you so worried about? It's not like you're afraid of dying. Again.

And Now

Me: Whoa, someone is dragging a body! I wonder who it is? Oh wait, that's right. We've all already read the first page of the script, so we already know it's Isaac who is dead. Hey look, jumper cables!

Warning: In an emergency, do not shock your dead friends with jumper cables from a fucking car battery. It will only make them deader. More Dead. Very very dead. Much more dead than they already were.

Me: It bet the air smells like burning werewolf…

Isaac: Arrrggggg. (Moan)

Me: Is that Ms. Morell? Hi Ms. Morell!

Isaac: I don't remember anything…

Me: Good thing you have a therapist with you.

Ms. Morell: Blah blah memories.

Me: Wait a minute, you're not Ms. Morell! There can't be two similar looking attractive black ladies who know about werewolves on this show! We'll get confused and stuffs. I demand that one of them dies before this episode ends!

Attractive Black Lady: No matter what happens, don't let go.

Jack: Don't ever let go Rose. Don't ever let go.

Rose: I won't Jack. I love you!

Me: Damn it Cailin, you sat on the remote. Change it back, change it back!

Attractive Black Lady: (Puts on helmet)

Me: Because safety first kids! Wow, look at all these filthy back alleys. Beacon Hills has really let itself go over the past four months. It's almost like its being filmed in a different location than last season…

Isaac: I hear something. Something's coming.

Stiles: (In the future) Something bad.

Me: Oh look, a werewolf. And another werewolf. Brothers?

Lydia: (In the future) Twins!

Me: Yes yes I know that. I was just pointing it out to the readers. I already know because I've read every freaking spoiler there is to know about season three already.

Twins: (Attacking the motorcycle)

Me: You know Isaac, I know you're half dead, but you could try and help out. Even Peter was more helpful when he was half dead.

Motorcycle: (Crashes through a window)

Isaac: (Falls off)

Me: You had one job Isaac. One job!

Motorcycle: (Crashes)

Me: And that is why you always wear a helmet.

Twins: (Steps through the window and starts stripping)

Isaac: WTF?

Me: Really MTV? Really? Do they really need to take off their shirts? We are not even five minutes into the first episode and people are already stripping OH MY GOD WHAT ARE THEY DOING. HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?

Twins/GIANT FUCKING MONSTER: ARRRRRGGGGG!

Attractive Black Lady: Eat lightning motherfucker!

Twins: Arrrrgggg. (Disappear)

Attractive Black Lady: You had one job Isaac. One job.

Theme song: Duh duh duh duh!

Tyler Posey: (Rises into the air)

Me: Okay, that's a sweet jacket, but why is he floating? That makes no sense.

Hands: (Bursting from the ground)

Me: Cool.

Tyler Hoechlin: (Turns into a wolf)

Me: Please let that happen this season. Oh hello Holland. Stunning as always. Hey, you doing anything later? I might not be a werewolf but I can totally be a beast when I want to be.

Me: A tattoo parlor. I guess laws must be pretty different in California because I'm pretty sure you need a parent permission to get a tat since you're underage… Oh god Scott, that's the drawing of the tattoo you want? How hard is it to draw solid black lines? You had one job!

Stiles: Hey Scott, sure you don't want something like this? (Holds up lizard man drawing)

Me: Way too soon dude.

Stiles: Too soon?

Me: Dude, I would totally send then picture to Jackson just to rub it in his face.

Tattoo Guy: You aren't afraid of needles are you?

Stiles: (Faints)

Me: Really Stiles? You almost had to chop off Derek's arm that one time, and that made you faint?

Later…

Scott: I don't think it's supposed to feel like this…

Tattoo: Smell ya later!

Me: Well that's fifty bucks down the drain. Bummer dude.

Me: Lydia and Allison are driving along. You look stunning by the way Holland. Just saying.

Lydia: You were in France for four months and you didn't do any dating?

Me: Look, it's not my fault women don't shave there… oh you were talking to Allison. Right.

Allison: Uh, let's not talk about me. What about Jackson?

Lydia: Don't say his name. How would you like it if I said Derek's name in the next sentence huh?

Allison: (Laughs, clearly not affected by the mentioning of the guy who caused her mom to kill herself.)

Me: So Jackson's in London. An American Werewolf in London. Like that won't be a disaster.

Lydia: An American Werewolf in London? Like that won't be a disaster.

Me: And in that one scene, Jackson is explained away. Damn you Colton Hayes for ruining the story line! How much more did CW offer to pay you than MTV huh? I bet it was a lot.

Lydia: Yes, it's a double date. It's not an orgy.

Me: But it could be…

Scott: No texts, no calls. No contact. I don't know if she's even coming back at all.

Me: And this is the girl you love?

Allison: (Laughing happily until she sees Scott. Then she freaks out.) Awkward…

Stiles: Sup.

Lydia's Car: See ya later bitches! (Runs red light)

Me: Wow, that was really cold. And now they two cars play stop and go…

Lydia's Car: Look here girlfriends, we don't need no boys to comfort you. We are strong, independent women!

Deer: TAKE THIS BITCHES! (Proceeds to commit suicide via impaling itself on Lydia's car)

Girls: SCREAMS

Scott: (Running straight to Allison) Are you okay?

Allison: Yeah, I think so.

Lydia: Well I'm not okay!

Me: When are you ever okay? You haven't been okay since season one. And since when is Scott a deer whisperer?

And Cut Scene

Me: But wait, you mean we don't get to watch the awkward car ride between everybody? Well that's disappointing. At least the Attractive Black Lady is back.

Attractive Black Lady: Find Scott McCall. He's the Alpha.

Me: Wait, what?

And Cut Scene

Me: I don't know about anyone else, but I was never that chipper on the first day of school. Who do you think you are Scott? Do you even lift? Do you even read?

Scott: (Doing one arm pull ups while reading Call of the Wild)

Me: You call that a pull up? You're chin isn't even coming close to that bar.

Cailin: That's still pretty impressive.

Me: And you've been a werewolf for how long now and you've only just gotten to Call of the Wild? At least you've read White Fang. Hey, I wonder if Jack London was a Werewolf? That would explain so much… Hey I just saw Great Expectations in that pile and I call bullshit. There is no way you could read all of Great Expectations while doing pull ups. It is almost physically impossible to read the book on its own. Your arms would drop off.

Word of the Day: Ephemeral.

Me: Not uh, that word of the day is Prosaic. I just checked. Geez.

Me: Hey, look at Allison's new room. That is a sweet room. And I want that bed. The things I would do to that bed. And on it.

Chris: You ready?

Allison: Yeah.

Me: You see? Allison is nearly catatonic. That is how you are supposed to be on your first day of school.

Me: And now Stiles is doing what Stiles does. Research on pointless stuff. Not everything that happens to you has to do with the supernatural Stiles! Oh look, a mac. Product placement much?

And…

Me: Hello Holland. Stunning as usual. Except that black jacket. Not everyone on this show needs a black leather jacket.

Shirtless Lucky Guy: Looks good on you.

Me: Is that a twin? That can't be a twin. And I know that age of consent is 16 in Cali, but there is no way that guy is close to her age. What are you doing Lydia? You could have me! And Allison's bed!

Shirtless Lucky Guy: Sooo. Wanna have sex?

Lydia: No.

Now just a shirtless guy, no longer lucky: Bummer.

Me: Yeah, good luck getting past Lydia's parents on your way out.

Me: Scott on a bike.

Scott: I am such a badass. (Looks over at those two mega awesome Ducati's)

Me: The things I would do to that bike. And on it.

Old Principal: Whatever happened to the old library while I was gone, I want it cleared out.

Me: You mean you never cleaned that up?

Old Principal: (Holds up a sword)

Me: And did Gerald just have a crate of those lying around?

Lydia: Look at all the freshman!

Me: Seriously Lydia? You want to corrupt young innocent minds now? You must be having one of your 60% evil days. And talk about Dawson Casting. Every boy they just showed must be at least 20. Freshman have acne and are short.

Allison: You know it's okay to be single.

Me: That's right! (Cries silently in the corner) I am so alone! Why don't you like me Holland?!

Allison: Brothers?

Lydia: Twins.

Me: Again, I'm calling bullshit. No amount of Dawson Casting will ever make me believe that those two are in high school.

Attractive Black Lady: Gasp!

Me: Figures. Why is everyone into twins?

Isaac: I'm awake. And I want Scott.

Me: You and an army of fan girls.

Sheriff: Hey Melissa, there's an amnesiac in 215 and an Attractive Black Lady in 216, and I don't know what's going on.

Me: Well that's nothing new. What is new is an amnesiac in 215. Is he referring to Isaac? He knows Isaac though from a previous case so why wouldn't he call him Isaac? Is the amnesiac someone else? As in the only Alpha we don't get to see this episode? Hmmm.

Me: School, oh fun.

Allison: Crap, I have to sit in front of Scott.

Me: Is it really that awkward between you? You've had sex. You've seen each other naked. This can't be awkward between you. Just say hi.

Allison: Hi.

Scott: Sup.

Cell Phones: Ring ring. (Teacher walks in, quoting the last line of the first book they are reading)

Cailin: How did she do that?

Me: I dunno but she just totally ruined the ending to that book.

Teacher: No texting in class y'all.

Me: Well that's going to cause all kinds of problems this season.

Melisa: Damn it!

Me: Called it….Whoa, Alpha alert! That chick is definitely an Alpha!

Alpha Chick: (Walks into 215) Me: Damn it, there goes my theory. At least the Alpha seems nice. Oh what big claws you have…and eyes… you know you could totally kill Isaac right now if you wanted him dead. She has him all to herself… too bad he wants Scott. She's not bad looking y'know. Ten bucks says she and Derek do it by the end of the season.

Isaac: (Passes out)

Me: Wouldn't he have some kind of resistance to a sedative since he's a Werewolf and all?

Allison: Scott, can we talk?

Me: Well I don't know Allison, can you?

Teacher: Mr. McCall?

Me: Busted.

Teacher: Yo, don't skip my class.

Me: What a bitch. First you spoil that book and now you're telling him off because the principle just said there was an emergency? Just kidding. I think she's a sweet teacher. Too bad she'll probably die later in the season.

Alpha Chick: Grrr.

Me: And what big teeth you have?

Stiles: Hey Lydia, what's with that band aid?

Me: Whoa, you win the prize, I didn't even notice that.

Lydia: Prea bit me.

Stiles: Your dog?

Lydia: No, my designer handbag.

Me: Lydia, your rat dog could easily pass as a handbag. That is not really much of a comeback.

Stiles: Something's coming. Something bad.

Crow: SUP BITCHES! (Commits suicide via window)

Me: Well that was creepy. Anyone else wondering if Lydia is attracting these things?

Birds: CAW CAW MOTHERFUCKERS!

Me: Oh snap, it's THE BIRDS! How ironic that this is happening in English class.

Class: Screams and panics.

Me: God, these people are slow to react. Get on the floor. At least Stiles is taking care of Lydia. Not that she'll thank him or anything. And I half expected Allison to whip out a knife and start killing crows. At least the teacher is shielding students, though that boy she's holding needs to hand over his man card, and his balls.

Music: Dramatic

Me: Well that was fun.

Scott: Why didn't you tell me earlier?

Melisa: Oh Scott, you've gotten so smart lately, even though that bike scares me. I didn't want you to get dragged back into all of this.

Me: His bike scares you? He can heal! And y'know, considering that you have a high paying job Scott, you probably could have gotten a car.

Scott: It's not going to happen. I'm going to be a better everything this year.

Me: Pfft, yeah right.

Attractive Black Lady: (Walks in the background)

Me: How does no one notice her?!

Scott: (Gets in elevator)

Blind Man: 2nd floor please.

Elevator: (Already on the 2nd floor)

Me: While that was clever on Scott's part, wouldn't the guy realize that the elevator never moved?

Blind Guy: Help me!

Me: Uh, Alpha alert! And if he wants to kill Scott, why doesn't he just do it now?

Doctor: I'm going to go smoke.

Me: Again, ironic. And now another Alpha has Isaac. Where are they getting all of these scrubs from? How many dead doctors are in a closet somewhere naked because a bunch of rabid Werewolves stole their clothes?

Scott: (Wandering the Hospital) Hm. My Werewolf senses are tingling.

Me: WEREWOLF FIGHT!

Scott: I'm going to kick this guy's ass… OH SHIT IT'S AN ALPHA, ABORT ABORT ABORT!

Mean Alpha: I'm an Alpha!

Derek: So am I bitch! (Turns to Scott) Aren't you supposed to be in school?

Me: That's the thanks he gets for trying to save Isaac? Show some gratitude why don't you, sheesh.

Mrs. Blake: Hyperventilating.

Stiles: To the rescue!

Chris: Next time you want to stay home, you stay home.

Allison: I'm okay… (Looks down)

Me: Well looks like Allison has gone back to being meek. Countdown to raging kick ass Allison is T-minus how many episodes?

Sheriff: Yo Chris, what the fuck is happening?

Chris: Hell if I know.

Stiles: (Plays with a feather in the background… oh wait, it's a phone)

Me: No texting in class Stiles!

Scott: (At Derek's house) You don't still live here do you?

Derek: No, but there's something here that I need.

Me: Like a blow torch?

Scott: So what was that back there?

Derek: Just some random shit. None of your business really. I still owe you one though.

Me: Awwwww, Derek is trying to protect Scott!

Scott: Hey, I know how you can repay me!

Me: Oh God, I do not want to know how many slash fic those lines just created. Even Derek looked a bit scared there.

Lydia: God, this is just like Buffy.

Attractive Black Lady: Where's Scott McCall? You're Allison right?

Allison: Yeah…

Attractive Black Lady: (Grabs the girls, then flees the Twins)

Me: Nooo! Give us answers damn it!

Girls: We have matching bruises!

Me: How on earth do you both think those are normal bruises?

Allison: I think I should go investigate…

Chris: No! We only stay in Beacon Hills if we don't get involved.

Me: That…is a terrible plan. Why would you come back to Beacon Hills if you're not going to get involved! That makes no sense!

Sheriff: Animals are acting strangely, so I figured I come to you doc.

Deaton: Why does everyone come to me? Isn't there another vet in Beacon Hills?

Me: Anyone else notice that it takes forever for Deaton to get his point across?

Deaton: Look at all of these dead animals!

Me: Dude, aren't you worried you're going to get sued? That's a lot of dead pets you got there.

Derek: (Looks at Scott's arm) Yup, definitely not a tattoo there. You should get your money back.

Me: Uh, shouldn't you be helping Isaac instead of giving Scott a tattoo lesson?

Derek: What's it mean?

Scott: I dunno, it's just something I draw with my fingers.

Me: Looks like a boob.

Scott: I just miss Allison so much that I want to get a mark on my body that will last forever to remind myself!

Me: At least you aren't tattooing her face on your chest. And Derek is being super understanding about all of this. He must have had a hard four months if he's this mellowed out.

Derek: Hey Scott.

Scott: Yeah Derek.

Derek: This might hurt.

Me: Like Stiles could hold Scott down… and with Scott moving around so much there is no way Derek could be doing a good job. If Derek screwed up, that would be hilarious.

Scott: Well that wasn't so bad… it's definitely not ephemeral.

Stiles: PSATs?

Scott: Yup.

Me: I hope we get a word of the day in every episode.

Scott: Why did you paint the door?

Derek: Go home Scott.

Me: But because Scott never listens to Derek…

Scott: How many are there?

Derek: A pack of them.

Scott: How do you deal with an Alpha pack?

Derek: With all the help I can get.

Me: Nooo. You were being so good about protecting Scott. Why did you have to tell him? Now he's going to fail all of his classes and people are going to start dying and it's all your fault Derek!

Isaac: Where is she? Where's the girl?

Me: Oh so now you want the Attractive Black Lady instead of Scott huh? Well you can't have her, I've already called dibs!

Attractive Black Lady: Time to pull a Jackie Chan!

Me: She's in a locker room…the girl's locker room? So that's what the girl's locker room looks like…

Attractive Black Lady: Gasp!

Alpha Pack: Creeps silently

Me: Alpha Chick needs a pair of shoes.

Attractive Black Lady: (Starts kicking some Alpha ass)

Alpha Chick: Not today.

Attractive Black Lady: Shit

Blind Alpha: (Is blind)

Attractive Black Lady: I might die in a minute, but I know someone who will take you down.

Blind Alpha: Maybe. But I think I'll get someone kill that person so I don't have to worry about it.

Me: Yeah, like Derek. I'm sure that plan is going to go over well. It would be so much easier just to kill him yourself y'know…

Blind Alpha: (Kills the Attractive Black Lady)

Me: Sorry Attractive Black Lady, but we all know that there can only be one, and Ms. Morell called dibs last season. Anyway, death count is now one human, a deer, a flock of birds, and a bunch of pets.

Allison: So what color should I paint my room… Hey look, our arms make a mark!

Me: Look, it's Boyd! And an arm. I guess that could be Erica… except the actress didn't renew her contract. Then again, the TW tumbler page had her picture in that cell with the caption Surprise, so maybe she won't die this season!

I'm going to try and update each week, but don't get mad at me if I miss a deadline. I thought this would be fun to write so I wrote it.

As for reviews, please don't tell me to update faster, or just say good job. Those aren't reviews. You can tell me what you liked or did not like about my story. You can also point out anything that you think I missed or got wrong, or share your own opinions on what you think will happen.

Thanks for reading!