Okay, alright. You bitched at me enough for me to continue this gigantic abomination. Huzzah for you. Special mentions go to Flpirate305 for the freakishly long review that left me feeling so goddamn guilty I had to reward that kind of effort with something.

Warning: Present tense (might as well make it a thing for this), past tense (flashbacks are my loophole), not enough seriousness this time around, stiff dialogue (mainly with Regina), all-around bad writing, etc. Also, jealous magical creatures, carnivorous monsters, irony, call-backs, and other shit.

Betaed by: einsodair (So, if there's mistakes, they're her fault.)

Disclaimer: I clearly lack the mastery of the written word to be hired on as a professional writer for a decently popular show. Therefore, I could not possibly be a part of Once Upon A Time's production, much less own it.

"Get it off of me!" Regina shrieks at them from her place strapped against a massive tree trunk with vines coiled around every limb. As Emma and Snow go to help her, the blonde takes note of the identical smirks that both David and Hook are wearing. She'd rather not ask.

Once they manage to free Regina from the aggressive plant life–though not without some trouble, as Snow's fabulously bruised wrists can attest to–Hook once more begins leading their hodge-podge party through the apparently vicious forest.

The trek is mostly silent for a while, but clearly someone's been stewing, because Regina suddenly growls and whirls on Emma, whom is covering the rear. "And why is it, Emma, that nothing seems to be bothering you?" she hisses, suspicion clear in both tone and face. The rest of the group halts, Snow and David immediately shifting into battle-ready stances, Gold glancing back in curiosity, and Hook carefully watching.

Emma blinks at the accusation, pauses, and then shrugs, at a loss. "What do you mean?" she asks, confused by the random inquiry.

The former queen rolls her eyes, apparently amazed by her stupidity. "I mean, why is it that, despite literally everything on this damn island attacking us at every opportunity, you don't have so much as a scratch?"

She shrugs. "Dunno. Maybe I'm just lucky?" she offers nonchalantly, not really caring about the conversation topic.

Admittedly, the snort that she gets as a reply is a little annoying. "Oh, I highly doubt that." She suddenly jerks her hand behind her to point at a startled Snow. "She fell for one of the oldest traps in the book..."

They were barely on the island ten minutes, pausing only to set up a rendezvous point before going any deeper inland. Originally, the massive, gnarled tree seemed like a good idea.

Then Snow shrieked and was yanked out of sight. David, of course, went running after her, Emma and Hook close behind, only to halt at the gaping pit filled with spikes that had suddenly appeared.

David had shouted for Snow, looking desperately into the pit, already terrified the worst had happened. Everyone else also looked around, trying to find her. "Up here," came a frustrated voice in answer.

When they looked up and saw Snow trapped in a net, David just started snickering, earning himself a glare for his poorly suppressed amusement. It took some maneuvering to get the net to swing over and dangle somewhere a little less pointy, but they managed. David seemed to relish in actually cutting her down, though.

"So, I take it we'll be choosing a different location?" Gold asked dryly, leaning on his cane as he observed the others. No one bothered answering and just followed Hook away from the tree.

Regina smirks maliciously at the memory before refocusing on the conversation and shifting her finger from Snow to David. "This idiot decided to play with heinous little fairies."

In the middle of going through a particularly thick grove of trees, David became distracted by a glittering light and broke off from the group to investigate. Hook called for him, warning him that separating was a bad idea, but the blonde ignored him. With an irritated glance at Emma, as if she was in some way to blame for her father being pigheaded, the pirate growled at the others to stay put and went after him.

David followed the light a few more yards before suddenly being yanked to a halt by a ringed hand. At the sight of the owner, he growled and shoved it off. "What?" he barked.

It took everything in Hook to not punch him in the face at the disrespect. "We need to stay together, mate. Wandering off by yourself guarantees a quick end to any fool that does so."

"Look," started David, prompting the other man to roll his eyes, recognizing that 'reasonable authority figure that knows better than you' tone, "I know that light. The fairies back in our land had the same glow. If we could just-"

"I'm going to stop you right there, mate, and tell you to forget it," Hook cut him off. "These fairies aren't like the Enchanted Forest's. They don't have rules about only using magic for good, and they've got a mean sense of humor to boot."

David rolled his eyes and tried to walk off towards the light again, only for the pirate to grab his arm and stare at him hard. "Take it from me, mate. It's not worth the trouble," he warned.

The blonde yanked his arm out of the other's grip. "I am not your mate," he growled and then stalked off, calling after him, "And that doesn't mean we can't try."

As he got closer, more lights appeared before him, causing him to smile at the familiar sight of tiny fairies fluttering about. When Hook opened his mouth to argue once more, he cut him off and called out to the glowing beings, "Good morning, ladies!" A couple of them giggled, which made his brows furrow in confusion a moment before smoothing as he pasted on a charming smile. "I was hoping you could help us for a moment. We're trying to find a boy."

A few hovered closer to him, and one got right in his face, auburn hair pulled into a ponytail and soft pink glow about her. "There are lots of boys here," she giggled, fluttering her eyelashes at him. "But not many men. Especially not many as handsome as you."

The others nodded appreciatively as David scratched the back of his head and laughed. "I appreciate the compliment, but I'm looking for one boy in particular. Maybe I could describe him for you?"

"Nah," she dismissed, smiling coyly up at him. "I'd rather hear about you. You have gorgeous eyes, did you know? And such nice, thick arms too," she added as one of her friends flew forward to cuddle with his bicep.

David just laughed it off, albeit uneasily. "No, I can't say I've heard that. Listen, if you can't help, I guess I'll just be going now." He turned to walk away, only for the pink fairy to fly into his face.

"Aw..." she pouted at him, pursing her lips conspicuously. "Don't you want to stay and chat?" she whined, leaning over and giving David an eyeful of her–tiny–cleavage.

He averted his eyes and coughed, "Ah, sorry. But my wife is waiting for me, so if you'll excuse me..." He tried to walk away again, only for the fairy fly into his vision again. Except this time, her face was fixed into one of absolute rage.

"Wife?" she asked, sounding accusing. "You have a wife and you didn't tell us?" An angry buzzing began to fill the air. Hook swore softly from his place behind the trees.

Confused, David asked without thinking, "What does that matter? I was only asking for a favor."

The buzzing grew louder now. The fairy's pink glow darkened to a violent red. "So, you were just going take what you wanted and go running right back to her?"

Hook opened his mouth to stop the idiot from saying it.

"Er... yes?"

Both men winced as the buzzing became a dull roar. The fairies flew in furious circles around David, the once-pink fairy joining them after hissing at him one last time. They began to pick up speed, until they became one giant glowing, multi-colored circle.

"GET OUT OF THERE, MATE!" Hook shouted over the din of noise. The other man tried to do as he said, but before he could take more than two steps, the hoard of fairies suddenly rose up and dove for him, knocking him to the ground and tearing at his clothes.

The pirate cursed loudly and ran into the fray. Once he got close enough, he pulled out a small sack, took a pinch of the powder inside, and blew it right at the biggest cluster. The fairies shrieked and sped away, hurling curses at him from a safe distance as he began to drag the dazed man away.

When they finally made it back to the others, David had managed to pull himself together, though he was still limping. He avoided everyone's questioning glances and studiously pushed towards the front. Hook just rolled his eyes at Emma and took the lead once more.

The former queen eyeballs him for a moment, to which he just looks away sheepishly, and then waves almost carelessly at Gold. "And then there's the lovely demonstration of how supposedly harmless animals are just as much a threat as everything else here."

They'd stopped for a break, to eat and rest. In order to avoid depleting the ship's already dwindling supplies, they hadn't brought much. The plan was to gather food on the island as they searched, killing two birds with one stone.

Snow went off to hunt for game while David got started on a fire. Originally, they'd been wary of making any signs that they were on the island, but Hook flatly informed them that they were hardly the only people here, and smoke would tell them virtually nothing. "The only thing it will reveal is where we are, and I don't plan to rest long enough for them to track us here from the other side of the island," he reasoned.

Regina started searching for fruits and such, casting a spell on each thing to check whether it was poisonous or not. Emma offered to refill their water supply, Hook volunteering himself to help. And Gold sat down after sending a magical mist into the air, apparently waiting.

David raised an eyebrow at him. "It will call game to us," he answered the unspoken question. At the horrified expression on his face, he assured the man that the only animals that would be drawn to them would be harmless prey animals.

Not two minutes later, a plump doe wandered into their camp, snuffling at the air. David slowly got up from his place by a tree, reaching for a knife in one of the satchels. The doe ambled over in Gold's direction, the scent of the magic strongest on him, if anyone had to guess.

Gold raised his hand, ready to cast an immobilization spell and rip the deer's heart out, when suddenly it bore fangs at him and leapt for his throat. Paralyzed by shock, all he could do was raise his arms in defense as the monstrous thing attacked him. Its teeth, those more of a jungle cat than an herbivore, sank into his arm and began to tear at the flesh.

The next few seconds passed in a blur, David going for his sword, Gold raising his other hand for a spell, the thing letting go to take another bite. Luckily, the wizard managed to cast the spell in time, freezing the creature mid-lunge, and with a quick swing of his blade, David ended it.

"And those are just the the highlights," she finishes.

Emma looks at her flatly. "Maybe I just have the common sense not to get ahead of myself in a world where literally everything is trying to kill you."

The queen snorts once more at her, "Hardly. It doesn't matter what we do, or where we are. Nothing ever happens to you. Even just now, with that damn tree," she growls at the reminder. "All three of us were neck-deep in those vines from hell, but only Snow and I were harmed. They didn't even try to get at you," she accuses.

Now that Emma thinks about it, she does recall that the vines did seem pretty passive towards her. She glances at Hook to ask about that, only for a thought to occur to her. "Well, what about Hook? Nothing's happened to him either," she points out.

Everyone turns their attention to the pirate that's just been silently watching the exchange the entire time. When all eyes land on him, he blinks before simply shrugging with his arms folded. "I wouldn't be much of a guide if I was privy to getting into that many scrapes."

The others accept the answer at face-value. After all, the only reason they put up with him is because he's the only one whom knows a damn thing about Neverland. Emma, however, narrows her eyes at him, but refrains from saying anything.

"Look, all I can say is that I've just been lucky," she answers, not really having any better explanation. Regina eyes her suspiciously but drops it, and they begin moving again.

After they've set up camp for the night, everyone wanders off to take care of business. Thanking God for a strong bladder, Emma waits until she's a safe distance from the site to go searching for Hook, internally praying he's done by the time she reaches him.

Of course, he isn't, but she's used to not a damn person listening to her prayers, so she still walks over to him, studiously avoiding looking below the waist.

"Dammit, Swan!" he starts, about to turn towards her before remembering himself and staying put. "What in blazes do you think you're doing," he hisses at her quietly, in no mood to draw the others' attention have them walk in on this.

"You've never been on this island before," she states, ignoring his discomfort and her own. "You couldn't have been. So, whatever's protecting me is protecting you too." She juts her chin in askance. "Why?"

He shakes his head and grins in disbelief. "You assume a lot." He finishes relieving himself and pores a little rum into his hands to clean them before tucking himself back in and turning to her. "But you are correct in assuming that something's protecting us."

She nods to show she's paying attention. "And that would be...?"

"Neverland," he answers, tone just the slightest bit wistful, a touch of mystery coloring his voice.

She blinks at that, confused. "Wait, are you saying the island is protecting us? This island, the one that's been trying to kill everyone since we first set foot here?" she asks, incredulous.

"Ah," he raises his finger at her words and saunters closer, "exactly the moment we set foot here."

It takes her brain a moment to register his words, but the second she does, she latches onto the hidden meaning. "The curse-"

"-Causes Neverland to trap the lost here forever, yes. But the land has always protected its people, first and foremost," he explains, a touch of a grin lighting his face. "After all, this was once a haven for the lost and forgotten."

As she struggles to take in that information, he begins to make way back towards camp. Just before he disappears into the trees, he calls back and says, "And by the way, who's to say that I've never been before?" he looks back at her, the grin much larger than before. "I told you before, didn't I? The curse wasn't here in the beginning."

And with that, he was gone, leaving Emma gaping after him.

To be continued (I guess...?)

I have no idea where the hell half of this- actually, like, three quarters of this came from. The only part I legitimately planned for was that ending.

Bet you didn't see the fairies being the heinous little bitches that have major jealousy issues. Sorry, but mermaids are so last season. And as for the deer... yeah, I don't know where that came from.

Alright, tell me what else went wrong this time. And no flattery, this thing's starting to piss me off. I want to beat it into submission already.

Do you have any idea what it's like to go in with a plan for an emotional, serious epic with a bit of mystery and some good ol' fashioned bonding, only to end up with this series of comedic errors with a nice dash of mood whiplash?

It's not fun.

So, speak. I command you!